We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Dr. Sara J a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Dr. Sara , appreciate you joining us today. Parents can play a significant role in affecting how our lives and careers turn out – and so we think it’s important to look back and have conversations about what our parents did that affected us positive (or negatively) so that we can learn from the billions of experiences in each generation. What’s something you feel your parents did right that impacted you positively.
Growing up in a household where addiction, poverty, hustle, and God were the bones that held up the four corners of every home we inhabited, I truly can say my parents got “being their authentic selves” right! While writing that first sentence felt a bit strange, that in itself was honest. Which reminds me of a story with my parents and how their authenticity impacted how I now show up in my personal, professional, and purpose life.
A really great illustration of this reminds me of a time I came home from what felt like the longest day of my middle school career, being talked about because my pants were not long enough. In today’s fashion, that’s totally fine, but back in the ’90s and early 2000s, high waters just were not trending. I recall coming home and walking straight to my room, both my mother and father came in right behind me asking what was wrong. I turned to them with tears in my eyes sharing my longest day in my middle school journey of cruel kids singing “wayyy in the wattteerrr,” while pointing at my ankles.
My parents looked at me and said in unison, “They talked about Jesus, what makes you so special?” I looked at them in literal bewilderment and disappointment. They shared that the pants I had on were the pants I would continue to wear, and backing out of school wasn’t an option. I continued to sit on my bed in frustration with the living words of “They talked about Jesus, what makes you so special?”
Moments later, I heard myself say, “What makes you so special?” I sat with myself and really thought of all the things I thought were special about me. In full transparency, I can’t say that in that moment I came up with an exhaustive long list. However, I can say that from that day forward, when folks spoke negatively about me or provided feedback that didn’t align with my personal goals and/or purpose, I think back to that moment. I hear my parents say, “They talked about Jesus, what makes you so special?”
Now that I have been in my career field for more than ten years, founded The Shameless Brand, and curated Candid Conversations centered around shamelessness and rooted myself in the very Jesus that my parents shared with me all those years back. I now understand what they meant all those years ago.
“What makes you so special?” was less about me and more about Jesus, and it wasn’t until I understood that. Jesus (if this is your belief) is the savior of the world, and people still found fault and issue with the miracles that were performed, the love that was given, and the ultimate sacrifice. Therefore, if someone can do all of that, there isn’t anything more special that I can provide to my middle school classmates or the coworker who is dead set on being chaotic.
My parents didn’t do everything right; however, for me the greatest gift they gave me was their honesty and authenticity. They showed up as themselves, and never once did they lead me to believe they were more than who they were nor did they care to be who I thought they should have been. In that, I received an even better gift from their authenticity: the gift of truth, love, and unshakeable faith. And trust me, that goes a long way in entrepreneurship, professional life, and purpose.
As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your back background and context?
Yes absolutely, my name is Sara J and I recently received my Doctorate from the University of Dayton, therefore I am transitioning to Dr. Sara J. I am writer first, as storytelling in written form is my first true love. I am a podcast host and curator of shamelessness. I am a public speaker rooted in curiosity and motivation. I currently hold a leadership position in learning and development where I work with a variety of learners and leaders to reach a common goal, While I find all of that to be amazing, I truly love focusing on the message and the meaning of who I am.
Prior to all the titles and before the platform, my core is just a girl that was commonly called nosey because I asked a lot of questions and deeply consumed with my own thoughts. A true dreamer at heart. As my life continued to progress I found myself to be over optimistic by default while seeking peace and happiness. It wasnt until all the poverty, trauma and truth stated to make sense in my life, I was 25 years old seeking to share what all I learned once my mind caught up with all my heart optimism. That year birthed The Shameless Brand which is a quiet wellness shift that starts with confronting shame, dealing with shame and reducing shame. Since shame happens to be one emotion that destroys the individual from the inside out, its imperative that community is pinnacle and shared stories are heard, so that those who deal with shame do not fall into isolation.
I believe a few things about The Shameless Brand that stands out from other brands, one being that any feature that has ever been on the podcast has truly dealt with Shame and is an advocate for helping others reduce their shame. Another stand out is, the Sincerely Shameless podcast focuses more on the message rather noise. As the Shameless Curator, my proudest moments about the brand is just that, creating something that can last and heal in healthy doses.
We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?
Hands down, I heard this throughout my adolescents “watch your mouth”. Growing up, I thought that mostly meant to not back talk my parents and to be kind to others. I would consider “watching my mouth” when things would happen in my life. When it was bad, I wouldnt say anything or curse it, and when good things would happen, I felt like “thats what its supposed to be like”. After a while I started noticing I had more perceived “bad” happening than good. Then I would hear my parents voice, “watch your mouth” and it took on its own meaning.
I thought I was watching my mouth by not saying mean things to others and not talking back to my parents was the extent of that command and sure enough to this day, I truly wish that revelation came a lot sooner. To me, “watching ones mouth” is the epitome of intentional communication, not only with others but with self.
I had to unlearn negative self talk, despite my deep optimism to see, do and be better. While I had to unlearn, I started really focusing on watching my mouth. I wouldnt say the typical when tension appeared. I no longer saw problems as problems, but as opportunities to think a new way to solve a new instance. I stopped saying what was wrong, and started speaking about all the right that was happening in my life. And that, was when I realized that there hasnt been a “bad” thing that has happened in life, but good things that needed to be looked at with a different lense.
Let’s talk about resilience next – do you have a story you can share with us?
Absolutely, I have too many to count! I chuckle, because my closest friends call me the Grace Queen and overly resilient. Let me start with when I first learned that word, I was in high school and my basketball coach would always say ” Sara, you are so resilient” while I was running “down and backs”. At that time, I was truly annoyed with that character label for a few reasons, one of them being I didn’t even know the definition, the other reason was I was too tired with being labelled. LOL It wasn’t until my coach said it while driving me and my little sister home from practice, when I asked what it meant.
As she shared its delicate meaning of being a person that overcomes trials and tribulations, I was instantly annoyed again, because “why do I have to have all these trials and tribulations” was my internal heart posture. Truly, I used to think I was being victimized by Regina Goerge aka LIFE. Similar to the first question about a lesson I had to unlearn, it was truly how I thought of myself and the cards I was dealt in this thing called life.
To be clear, now that I fully understand and accept the definition of resilience, I can admit that I have a love hate relationship with that word. Reason being, I dont think I often consider the mental strain that is required when one is trying to achieve greatness, and the other side of that coin is I dont think I consider the mental stain that I would experience if I didnt achieve greatness. So theres that.. LOL
A more recent event that required every bit of my resilience was when my father passed, in Dayton, Ohio in 2021. Not only was I climbing out of a financial hole deeper than I can express. I had limited resources, minimal support from family and I truly was watching my father die right before my eyes in a state that I didnt even want to live in. While the loss of my father was great, the recovery from the loss was much greater. I remember trying to learn how to think that there was joy after another great loss. But as my coach often said while I was running my hear out on the basketball court, “Sara you are resilient”. While I didnt see a way through all of the emotions, competing demands from jobs, family and friends, I then accepted that resilience is who I am not something I pick up and try on. I
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- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/organizationaleader/
- Other: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sincerely-shameless/id1516543546
Image Credits
Sara Wilkins