“Sober, Searching & Still Stellar”
Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Paige Bresky. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.
Paige, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. What sort of legacy are you hoping to build. What do you think people will say about you after you are gone, what do you hope to be remembered for? What do you hope your legacy will be?
A LEGACY is something you leave IN a person forever, as opposed to an inheritance which is left TO a person for temporary gratification.
A legacy is an abstract concept, lesson or indelible memory; an IMPACT that produces a permanent transformation.
It is my hope that MY legacy will be one that touts radical acceptance, relentless tenacity and unconditional self-love.
“Hello, my name is Paige and I’m here for mental health and codependency.” These are the words that hesitatingly spilled out of my mouth 30 days ago, and with a bit more ease for nearly two months thereafter.”
What was codependency (more accurately unhealthy or imbalanced interdepedency) and how am I sitting in a room full of drug addicts and drunks?
Well, it’s estimated that 80 million people are chemically dependent or in a relationship with someone who is (Melody Beattie: “Codependency No More”). One-sided relationships (whereby one person wields more control over the other, who is usually more interested) presented in many forms, each with me starring as the main caretaker, rescuer and over-committer to my own detriment.
It turns out the people in my group and I had a lot more in common than I wanted to admit. We were all existing with trauma living inside of us, or some kind of ailing appendage. We were all concentrating on rewiring our brains in the presence of triggers. We were each on our own personal treasure hunts to find parts of ourselves that were lost; and, at the same time, shedding layers of our past to give birth to new iterations of ourselves for the future. We all possessed, at least a faint desire, to repair fractured fragments and create a lasting legacy that would make ourselves and our loved ones proud.
Like most women, I was conditioned into portraying the best, most attractive public version of myself at all times. What I think everyone perceived was an ambitious woman from a well-off suburban family; a professional tv host, marketing specialist or realtor with charisma; and a grounded human being with an orbit of beautiful friends and family.
The truth? I was always anxious, discreetly depressed, consistently stewing in self-loathing and constantly involved in codependent, conditional or otherwise unhealthy relationships– most surprisingly with myself.
After more than three decades of feeling “fifty shades of fucked-up” from familial, interpersonal, professional, spiritual and health-related traumas, I summoned the courage to seek support. My “rapunzel dis-ease” which involved locking myself in my castle and self isolating, needed to be arrested, once and for all.
I figured, my insides already felt mangled and any sense of structure had already been seized by my severely dysregulated nervous system. What more could I possibly lose? Little did I know…I ended up losing a lot… a lot of much-needed dead weight, which is exactly why voluntarily entering a drug and alcohol rehab ended up being the most rewarding decision I’ve ever made.
The global covid culture caused us all to accelerate taking greater care of our physical health; to wash our hands more, wear masks and digest dozens of vitamins that boost our immune systems. All this transpired as a repercussion to mortality and loss becoming increasingly prevalent. But just as important, perhaps even more important, is our mental health, because life is, after all, a no-exit enterprise. Sometimes the work can be achieved bio-chemically, but in my case it was done through somatic journaling, self-help books and podcasts…and intense cognitive behavioral therapy —both with an all-star therapist and an unforgettable group of like-minded legacy-leavers. I would later refer to these people as “Happiness Heroes” or “Wellness Warriors” because of how brave they were with their accountability and yearning to do better and be better.
I mean…how many people can you count in the “real world” who make a valiant effort to correct their maladaptive behaviors and clean their lens on life? Responsibility is not only mature, it’s valorous. Personally, I know more people who have “post-pandemic resignation syndrome” and don’t want to face their fears —of the new reality as we know it…or themselves. Of course, my peers and I would tell you, that fear is nothing more than “false evidence appearing real” and whatever is feared, should actually be the main subject of your focus and treatment.
The first thing I learned in clinical, was RADICAL ACCEPTANCE or surrendering. While I didn’t have a drug or alcohol addiction, we were all aware of what we were in treatment to fix and, for the most part, accepted the various solutions that were introduced to us (some for the second or sixth time). Humility frequently leads to retroactivity.
However, even if we exercise self discipline and discernment, life WILL happen on life’s terms and sometimes it will not seem in our favor. Sometimes it will be hard as hell and we’ll feel totally powerless over the consequences of our circumstances. But in the wise words of Brian Tracy (author of “No Excuses! The Power of Self-Discipline”), “what cannot be cured must be endured!” Basically, we’re not powerless over the choices we make, including those related to our recovery. It’s one of the many cheesy platitudes I discovered in my self-healing journey, but so spot on! The dialectic is that everyone faces hardships and some harder than others; but what are the most beneficial coping mechanisms to move through the muddy and unmanageable parts of lives and “settle in ” to our most supreme selves?
First, we accept what happened and what we have become as a result. After that, we use cognitive restructuring, to first comprehend, then reframe the way we think about our problems, which is often an indication of what we think of ourselves. Was I Personalizing? Magnifying? Polarizing or Catastrophizing? Perhaps. Not that my issues were invisible, but when I personally met and heard stories from survivors of the Parkland High School shooting, victims of incestuous sexual assault and millionaires who lost everything due to drugs, it made me not want to swap problems with any of them. It made me want to grasp on tighter to my own, and express gratitude for the good I neglected to glean from them for so many years. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that I was unwittingly blocking my own blessings, but acceptance is the ultimate ticket to freedom of mind.
What about the war veteran whose bad habits landed him in jail for so many years that he failed to learn how to function in society and couldn’t do so much as write a check? I even recall one individual saying his entire world consisted of the length to which he could horizontally spread out both of his arms from one wall of his jail cell to the other for 30 years. …And to think, we were here spreading grief over mandated distance statutes of “6 feet of separation.”
I knew if I wanted to feel new, I had to think new, in order to experience the evolution I so desperately desired. Simply put, I had to kill the old Paige’s patterns of thinking in order to transform the philosophies and psychologies adapted in my adolescence. “Our subconscious is the puppet master that truly pulls the strings” (“Unfu*k Yourself”: Gary John Bishop), and our subconscious thoughts have all been molded by earlier, second-hand experiences.
So, I agreed to be entirely committed and utterly honest; to repurpose the power I placed in my pain and channel it into personal growth…an Alcohol Anonymous term I would later come to know as “H.O.W” or honesty, openness and willingness to learn.
After I surrendered, I began detaching from toxicities. I began identifying the childhood roots of my problems and slowly felt lighter internally. I then reproduced a different movie for them in my head and the fear of “what was” started to fade. I say ‘started’, because recovery is an ongoing process and waiting for the results to show requires radical acceptance, too. A friend once told me to say the following out loud: “Oh God, I’m not where I want to be. Oh God, I’m not where I’m gonna be. But thank you God, I’m not where I used to be.”
My dear readers: life happens FOR us, not TO us. There are lessons we must learn and people we must eliminate from our lives because God hears and sees things we don’t. Divine providence is real and we must know this with complete certainty. Elevating to a higher consciousness and attaching a different meaning to our misfortunes, is called wisdom and that is also something I had to accept radically —to gain wisdom and not fuel the victim mentality, to “starve my fears and feed my soul.”
The next thing that happened was I sharpened my TENACITY tool. I call it a tool because it’s a mechanism we all have but don’t all harness. It’s an extension…an accessory that can aid us in all aspects of life, but remains dusty like a tool you’ve kept in the shed for far too long. Tenacity is holding on to the mechanical bull while it stubbornly yanks you back and forth, or falling off gracefully and then giving it another go.
In my opinion, tenacity is the most common differentiating factor between winners and losers in life —not aptitude. An intelligent and able bodied person will only get so far if they succumb to every sh*tty outcome. When you experience a negative or diminishing thought that disempowers you, zoom out of it and try to move on quickly. Remove all “limiting beliefs” and take action immediately. “We think a more productive mood will chauffeur us through life…but if you want to get to where you’re going, you have to take the wheel…action greases the wheel of life” (Gary John Bishop: “Unfu*k Yourself”). My mentor Gedale Fenster often preaches to his students, to think greater than we feel; to retire the scarcity/poverty mindset and adopt abundance. “Faith it ‘til you make it,” he says.
SELF-LOVE is the final ingredient for a happy and fulfilled life that is legacy-worthy. The greatest demonstration of self love is self-discipline. Employing the SMART system, whereby you set Small, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time-Sensitive goals, is an excellent means of keeping yourself disciplined.
Self discipline is not just about doing, it’s equally about not-doing. In fact, successful self discipline is most often established through impulse control. That means, refraining from things that are not serving us well (friends, family, certain activities and even unproductive thoughts). My therapist frequently uses the basic, yet profound saying, “when feelings are facts, you’re fucked!” We cannot assign meaning to, or validate every thought-cloud that crosses the stratosphere of our minds. We have to practice flushing sh*tty thoughts down the toilet. Doing the inverse would create a cognitive dissonance and go against our natural state, which is to be safe and positive-thinking (babies are not born worried or depressed even though labor is messy and traumatizing in and of itself). Maintaining boundaries from external stressors is the roadmap to mental and physiological recovery, as we are each born as diamonds that later got covered in layers of dirty interpretation, misunderstanding, autonomic behaviors and cultural and familial programming. For those on a self-healing journey, it’s incumbent upon us to remember who we are and who we are not.
Feeding our souls with “pockets of peace” known to release dopamine and serotonin, is my favorite method of practicing self-love. It’s what Charles Duhigg (author of “The Power of Habit”) calls “keystone habits,” the habits we form that put everything else in the periphery of our lives into place. Personally, listening to the smooth sounds of India Arie and playing with puppies helped me during one of my “eat, pray, love” weekends during which I treated myself to a series of safe, feel-good sensory experiences. I once read, “Simplicity is the most healthy refuge in a complex world!”
Putting your cortisol to rest really helps clear the neurocircuitry of your mind to better interpret your feelings about things. Gedale Fenster always notes that there is a distinction between being mindful and having our minds full. When we are doing happy things, such as meditating or praying, we are taking inventory of our feelings. We must “feel it to heal it.” In fact, it is known that every thought we hold in our body manifests as a physical ailment (Louise Hay: “You Can Heal Your Life”). For example, anger is connected to our liver and kidneys to fear or anxiety. Thus, vulnerability is a sure way of loving one’s self, because it is a representation of strength to set aside your ego, lower your guard and harness your humility. However, we are not slaves to our low moods. When a thought is negative, it’s usually God’s way of informing us about a certain component of our lives that needs repair; a pain point. However, we shouldn’t take these thoughts personally, the same way we shouldn’t take what others say about us personally. The Principle of Anonymity says that, we should always aim to “place principles before personalities” and extract the message instead of shooting the messenger.
Too often, we suffer at the mercy of our own thinking. Fenster says that we are merely souls that “hear the voice. We are not the voice!”. Autogenic conditioning, or using speech that is uplifting about yourself is another way to practice self-love, as the alternative often creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. My peers and I practiced this everyday during our daily “check-ins” with each other. Speaking of check-ins, can we just make that a habitual thing from now on? I’ve acquired so many gems of insight at rehab and have undergone a comprehensive self-audit that has enabled me to build my vessel in ways many people don’t ever have the opportunity of doing.
One thing I won’t ever forget, is the remarkable sense of true and invested camaraderie within the four walls of our group sessions with our therapist. Listening and talking intently with each other has proven to not only save others from derailing, but has saved us from ourselves.
Speaking of saving…In my own struggle, a romantic and exceedingly toxic relationship recently ended for me, which was the last straw to break the camel’s already bad back, or in my case, heart. It is said that “God breaks your heart to save your soul”. I know this is true, because I have never been more intune with my creator and inner GPS than I am now. Rehab fueled a permanent transformation. Rehab fueled my legacy.
Detachment from a person, place or ruminating thought is NOT a cold, hostile withdrawal, pollyanna ignorant bliss, the removal of love or concern, or a robotic walk through life.
It’s the antithesis. Detachment is better connecting to self. Evidently, I needed to lose the love of my life, to really reveal my own virtues and learn how to love myself from within. This is the impact with which I would like to bestow upon the world. This is my legacy.
After all, isn’t detaching with love what we all do moments before our legacies are left for the final time?
Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers
Paige is a seasoned and impassioned storyteller.
With over a decade of experience working in various facets of multimedia (production, broadcasting, advertising, marketing) and a deep-rooted appreciation for self-love, she has decided to use her knowledge of public speaking and personal growth to help others be curious students of life and elevate their self-image.
Following a series of “bumpy” life experiences, which have amplified her voice and conviction for living contentedly, she has found joy in writing for readers who resonate with self-discovery and alchemy.
What’s the most rewarding aspect of being a creative in your experience?
The most rewarding aspect of using my platform to be a storyteller and empowering self-love figure, is witnessing the transformative impact of my words on other people’s lives. There is power in rewriting our life stories and I relish the opportunity to help people heal their psyches in order to have more productive and positive life experiences.
Learning and unlearning are both critical parts of growth – can you share a story of a time when you had to unlearn a lesson?
I had to unlearn that love derives from other people or outcomes. I was in an unhealthy romantic relationship and needed to interrupt the pattern of over-giving, over-committing and over-caring for the other person in order to learn how to fully feel a fondness for myself. Following a break-up that left me with an identity crisis and feeling like my heart was hemorrhaging, I began “dating myself” and relearning what I liked or disliked and what kind of imprint I wanted to leave on this planet- independent of another person.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.paigebresky.com
- Instagram: paigebresky
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/paige.bresky
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/paigebresky
- Other: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPCYixHXaYc