We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Dara Goldberg a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Dara, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. Let’s start with the story of your mission. What should we know?
For centuries, the beauty industry has been in the driver seat telling women that our ‘problem’ is that we are aging, that our beauty declines with age, that the only way we can remain attractive, visible and ultimately worthy is to fear and dread aging and spend millions of our hard-earned dollars on their beauty products that promise to help us achieve the entirely unachievable goal of staying young.
When brands use words like anti-aging, age-defying, forever young, youthful, turn back time, etc., in their messaging and marketing, and in their product names and descriptions they are reinforcing the demeaning and socially contrived notion that beauty is reserved for the young, that any and all physical signs of aging is a form of weakness and decline, that a woman’s beauty has an expiration date.
This is ageism. This is sexism. This is sexist ageism.
And, it’s time to take the power back and have women (and girls) tell the industry what our needs and interests (not problems) are and the helpful, supportive role we want them to play, which is not to tell us aging is bad and how to ‘avoid’ it but rather to provide us with products and advice that helps us remain healthy and looking and feeling as beautiful as we are at any age and every age.
After having conversations with literally hundreds of women, and also speaking with several beauty brands that have taken a stand against ageism in the industry, it was clear to me that I had to do something. I had to create something that would enable all of us to work together and use our voices, our strength in numbers and our incredible purchasing power to force a paradigm shift across the industry.
That’s what the Endless Beauty Collective is in a nutshell. It’s a strategy, a community of women and pro age beauty brands working together, and a pledge among a growing list of beauty brands to ensure their practices, messaging and product names and descriptions are not ageist in any way.
This is a passion project. It’s my work. And, it’s the legacy I want to leave for my daughters – and all future generations.
Dara, before we move on to more of these sorts of questions, can you take some time to bring our readers up to speed on you and what you do?
10 years ago everyone around me thought I was having a midlife crisis, and I agreed with them.
For years, I had been working with nonprofits as a management consultant and I absolutely LOVED it. I cherished every moment. My coworkers were like family, and the work was super satisfying and meaningful.
But then, the weirdest thing happened. Seemingly out of the blue, I wasn’t into the work. I was getting grumpy, and I couldn’t focus.
I thought I was going crazy because who, after years of happiness and satisfaction, just wakes up one morning and proclaims that nothing is right?
What had been fulfilling me and giving me a sense of purpose and value had shifted and it really scared me.
I dove into getting help, both professionally and personally. I asked myself the tough questions. I explored my uncomfortable feelings, and then one day something happened.
I got mad.
Not at myself anymore, but at society for ingraining these messages into my brain – all of women’s brains – that after a certain age, we are no longer allowed to grow and change. And if we do get ansy, it’s a flaw within us.
That was the day that I realized that I am not crazy in the least bit.
I was NOT going through a midlife crisis. I was having a midlife growth spurt.
I left my job–even though there were people close to me telling me that I was crazy to do so – and started the Lovin’ Midlife Movement for Women, a brand devoted to getting rid of the myths and misconceptions about women in midlife (with the midlife crisis being at the top of the list).
As I was having dozens of conversations with women in midlife and beyond about how they feel about aging, I consistently heard cries of frustration.
They were tired of being told over and over again that getting older means they are getting less attractive.They were angry about the mixed messages women get that we should see aging as a privilege but hide and feel shame about any and all visible signs of it.
These feelings kept being reinforced every time I saw an ad for the latest anti-aging cream, or when I went to the beauty store to grab my favorite moisturizer and saw countless brands promising to help me stay young.
I don’t want to stay young. I want to be seen for who I am today: beautiful and healthy. I want the beauty industry to help me stay healthy and looking and feeling as beautiful as I am as I age.
Come to find out, I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. But, the problem is that it’s so ingrained in us to fear and dread aging that at first, it’s hard to imagine any other way.
And that’s when I decided I needed to zero in on addressing ageism within the beauty industry and created The Endless Beauty Collective: Because Beauty Has No Expiration Date (the EBC).
The EBC is a strategy, an ever-growing community of women (we always need more women to join us), and a pledge among a growing number of beauty brands who agree that ageism needs to be eliminated from the industry.
How about pivoting – can you share the story of a time you’ve had to pivot?
I think I answered this in the previous question with the evolution of my career and realizing that what society was telling me was a midlife crisis was actually a midlife growth spurt telling me that it was time for me to pivot and that it’s something that naturally happens to most people, men and women alike.
We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?
I had to unlearn self-deprecation, particularly in a professional setting. It was so deeply embedded in my psyche to discount my value and my talents, it took way too long for me to realize that I was doing it and how.
I couldn’t hear myself using language that de-valued the advice I was offering, be it a client, a friend or anyone. Language like:
‘I’m no expert but…’
‘I have no idea what I’m talking about but…
‘Take this with a grain of salt…’
‘This may be wrong but…’
Another way I would self-deprecate is to ask if what I said made sense right after saying it. Why couldn’t I assume (at least most of the time) that of course what I said made sense? Why couldn’t I trust that I’m articulate and bright, so clearly it made sense…and added value.
I could trace my self-deprecating manner back to my parents’ somewhat critical parenting style, but at 45 (which is around the time when I realized it was time to unlearn this behavior – I’m 56 now), going back that far doesn’t seem relevant.
It was really hard to ‘unlearn’ it and I relied on my family, friends and some close colleagues to point it out when I was doing it. But, even more important and harder was addressing what was behind it: deep-seated insecurity about my intellect, my value and my ability to articulate my thoughts.
You wouldn’t know I had these insecurities if you saw me in a professional setting, with the exception of my self-deprecating lines here and there. But, underneath, I questioned it all. I questioned why I had risen through the ranks of my consulting firm. I questioned why people respected me so much.
But then, as I moved further into midlife, things changed. I stopped doubting myself. I started liking what I refer to as the ‘Dara Package’. I started to believe what I so often say to others: the world needs my remarkable talents. I still slip up today and self-deprecate but it’s only because old habits die hard, not because my mind really feels that way.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.endlessbeautycollective.com
- Instagram: @daradoesmidlife
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lovinmidlife/
Image Credits
Grace Ginn and Susie Lang