We were lucky to catch up with Barry Selby recently and have shared our conversation below.

Barry, thanks for taking the time to share your stories with us today What did your parents do right and how has that impacted you in your life and career?

One thing my parents did right, was creating stability for me (and my brother) growing up. I didn’t think this was unusual and took it all for granted. That was and is a gift I cherish. Let me explain.

My parents were together for 60 years, before my mother passed away in 2012. I could perhaps attribute that longevity to being an English family, with the traditional stoicism, and hardly any drama. Uncertainty and disruption that others experienced, wasn’t part of my upbringing.

In my adult life, I realized this wasn’t the norm. I have learned that many people had parents who divorced, families that had fights, a parent who cheated, or they experienced some other form of disruptive family life. I recall many years ago, staffing a weekend seminar for kids, and at one point, the facilitator asked the children (there were perhaps 50 children seated there) to raise their hands if their parents had divorced. Over half the kids raised their hands. I was stunned. It showed me how “lucky” I had been. It seemed that many people didn’t have the stability I had experienced.

The gift I had from my parents has played out in my adult life in interesting ways. Specifically, my adult relationships reflected aspects of my parents’ relationship when I was young. From what I have written so far, there is an implication that my relationship journey would be all happy trails. It wasn’t that at all, unfortunately. Most of my early relationships were brief, abruptly ending, usually by or because of me. I had a few relationships that went deep, and yet, each time I quit, not able to fully commit.

Three lessons using 20/20 hindsight:
1) I discovered I was acting a lot like my father – stoic, reserved, or as I describe it, emotionally constipated. I wasn’t emotionally available or expressive to my partners, just like dear old dad.
2) I would quit when there was any argument or conflict. This deeper pattern, I discovered, was an unconscious belief that I had taken on, because in my family, we didn’t have full-on arguments, no massive blow-ups, or breakups. This informed my young unconscious mind that love and arguments did not co-exist. This unconscious belief meant if there was an argument in my relationship, logically there couldn’t be love, so I would quit. This pattern ran my love-life for a couple of decades.
3) I held my parents’ relationship in high regard, and would not commit to any woman I dated. I became aware later of another young unconscious belief that I carried that my prospective partner had to be perfect, like my mother.

These lessons have actually changed the course of my life, and ultimately gave me my calling in my work and life. It is for this reason I appreciate my parents for how they raised me. Frankly, I could have had much more challenging lessons!

Barry, love having you share your insights with us. Before we ask you more questions, maybe you can take a moment to introduce yourself to our readers who might have missed our earlier conversations?

The contrast between my experience of my parents’ relationship, and how my own relationship journey was so different, became the motivation and drive that led me into learning more about myself, and how we all operate. I became a passionate student of personal development, human psychology, and spirituality for almost 40 years as a result. And that led me to become a masterful relationship expert, author, and speaker. Honestly, I stand apart from most relationship coaches and matchmakers because of this approach.

From my own experience and education, and as part of the work I do, I teach and coach how our adult relationship experiences are mostly defined by our unconscious childhood programming.

The easiest way to explain how I got into my work/business/calling, is to explain what I learned about myself, and about people. I reference my unconscious mind, as that is where all my relationship programming was installed when I was in my younger (age 0-5 or so) years like everyone in fact does.

Simply put, when we are born, we are an open book, a clean slate, knowing nothing about life, love or anything. We are a sponge, so to speak, soaking up life and learning what that is and how it works, primarily from the big people around us – our parents specifically. We learn by their demonstration in how they act and how they talk to each other and to us. This observation gets absorbed into our young formative mind, installing more accurately in our unconscious mind. This is before we are old enough to discern consciously for ourselves what to believe and what not to believe.

This plays out almost universally when we grow up. As I have learned, we absorb the basics of relationships unconsciously at the feet of our parents at a young age, by being witness to their behavior and their words. Because it is learned unconsciously, we don’t decide what to believe, we just believe it automatically. These beliefs are installed over the first few years of our lives. As adults, when we begin dating and mating, this unconscious belief system operates automatically, under the radar. As a result, we tend to be with partners that repeat or mirror the relationship experiences we witnessed when we were young.

As an example, if a person keeps attracting partners that are never present, that abandon them, or simply don’t fully participate in the relationship, it is highly likely that, as a young child, one (or even both) of their parents or caregivers left them, whether by divorce, death, emotional absence, or other reason. If you are reading this, you might want to reflect on your own relationship experience and compare, and contrast it with that of your parents. You may discover some limiting patterns that you would prefer to drop and new choices you would prefer to install! I recommend reading Bruce Lipton’s book “The Biology of Belief” for a deeper explanation. I also recommend my own best-selling book “50 Ways To Love Your Lover” as a resource for your own relationship journey, and additionally, I share usable and enjoyable tips and insights on the TWO podcasts I cohost that dive deep into the dating and relationship conversation.

In 2007 I discovered what I stand for, as I stepped into being a fully awakened and open-hearted masculine man. At this time of deep transformation, I recognized I am a passionate champion for the divine feminine. I have had respect and reverence for women all my life, thanks to my mother, which is why women have been my clients since then. During the past year, additionally, I have been guided to also work with men, who have not learned how to open their hearts safely and still feel manly, as they have not had the best education about love and partnership either.

Why do I do this work? For almost 40 years I have been an intentional and conscious student of people and life. I value the path I have traveled, and the lessons I have learned. I have deep compassion and care for those who have had relationship challenges, traumas, heartbreak, etc., and with the wide and deep toolbox I have accrued, filled with powerful skills and services, I feel a dedication to use these tools to help those who want to thrive. This is what fuels my life, and why I love helping my clients attract and enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships for themselves.

Where do you think you get most of your clients from?

For me, there are multiple sources.

I have received referrals from friends and former clients. Prospective clients reach out after hearing my messages on our podcasts. I have also been interviewed over twenty different podcasts, sometimes multiple times. Online, I have gained audience and prospective clients from my social media posts, my video teachings on YouTube, and also from being a guest speaker on many virtual summit series.

Every interaction can be a source of referral or visibility about my work with someone new.

Any advice for growing your clientele? What’s been most effective for you?

Being generous with my expertise, offering counsel and guidance wherever I have opportunities to speak and teach. My email audience expands often from these activities.    

Contact Info:

• Website: https://barryselby.com
• Instagram: https://instagram.com/therealbarryselby
• Facebook: https://facebook.com/barryselby.author
• Linkedin: https://linkedin.com/in/barryselby
• Twitter: https://twitter.com/barryselby
• Youtube: https://youtube.com/barryselby
• Other: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lets-talk-dating/id1538324005 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relationship-mastery/id1680354670 https://linktr.ee/barryselby