Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Kat Daou. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Kat, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. Do you think your parents have had a meaningful impact on you and your journey?

When I first got into Family Constellation Therapy, it was by total accident. At one of the lowest points in my life, I had asked a cousin of mine if she knew a life coach and I was told, “No, but I know this woman…” I didn’t Google what this work was, I didn’t seek out any information about it. I just showed up to my first session and the rest is history. And throughout the last 3 years of being in this work as a student and facilitator, I’ve grown to shift my perspective on my parents. If you would have asked me 4 years ago this same question, I would probably struggled with it. But today, after going into the depths of my relationships with them and their lineages, I can confidently say that one thing that I know for sure my parents did right that has impacted me is that they raised me with this saying, “Go and spread your wings, fly! But if you ever fall down, we will be right there to catch you.” And that they have. I’ve come to a more peaceful acceptance of them in reflecting on these words because I know it means they had the trust & confidence in me that no matter what I did in life, I was capable. Many times (especially in my 20s) I had the biggest, most wild, grand dreams of what I wanted for my life and while many of those have changed in the last 10 years, I still feel inside that I am capable of doing what I put my mind to. The shame of failing is softened by their love and willingness to be in my corner when times get hard. I know it stems from their own difficult life experiences and having their families to hold them as well. Sometimes I dream REALLY big and scale back as I grow, but I know that even if I were to fall, my family would be there for me in a heartbeat. That kind of safety and security is one I will never take for granted and one I will pass onto future generations to come.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.

My life didn’t start to make any sense until I turned 28 years old. I found Family Constellation Therapy at one of the lowest points in my life. I remember sitting on my bed crying in my studio apartment in San Diego and praying to whoever was “out there” that I felt I didn’t have true purpose and I wanted all the pain I’ve experienced to mean something in my life. I then felt inspired to reach out to a cousin of mine and ask her for a life coach because she is into healing as well. She said, “I don’t have a life coach but I do know a woman who does this thing called Family Constellation Therapy.” I didn’t google it or search for information on it. I just showed up to my first session.

I vividly remember standing in my bedroom, completely floored after my that Family Constellation Therapy session. As I lay on my bed, I grabbed my journal and started flipping through its pages until I found the one I was looking for.

Just three days before this session, I had written down all the things in my life that I felt ashamed about. I then crossed off all of the things that weren’t mine to begin with, realizing that they came from someone else’s beliefs and experiences.

This experience led me on a three-year journey to understand what happened to my family in the past and how it was affecting me. I faced everything from generational birth trauma patterns to immigration trauma, war trauma, & financial trauma. I also delved into the mother and father wound, abandonment, physical and emotional abuse, cancer, early deaths, mental illness, addiction, and eating disorders. I had to confront the anger, depression, sadness, guilt, shame, survival energy, and chaos of my family system and learn to how it was showing up in my life.

Growing up, I always heard the phrase, “we don’t air our dirty laundry outside the family.”

However, as I began to uncover the past, I realized that each uncovered piece of dirty laundry was actually the gateway to healing. Not only for me, but for my family. I stopped viewing myself as the “black sheep” and started owning the role of CYCLE BREAKER. Through this work, I began to trust myself more and to speak my truth, even though it was uncomfortable and went against the patterns of my family lineage, especially with women.

Some of the greatest values I hold in my work is the practice of understanding, compassion, acceptance, love, + forgiveness. Likely, these are the last things most people feel open to extending to their families when healing. There is certainly a time and place for these to be sewn into the fabric of the family healing journey. I am grateful that most people find me when they are ready for this. And while it may be an uncomfortable journey, it is one of deep healing and spiritual/emotional/physical freedom. Clients usually find me when they are feeling blocked in their lives and are curious if there is an ancestral tie to it. (Most of the time, there is).

We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?

Early on in my journey with Family Constellation Therapy (FCT), I had to face my uncomfortable relationship with being a victim and the stories that I tell myself about my family.

Many of us are, in fact, victims of some kind of hurtful act from someone else. There is no doubt in that statement. But when we take the things that have happened to us and make them our entire identity to the point that we cannot move forward in our lives because that mentality & vibration is holding us back, there is a loving way to address the pain someone is carrying.

I had to unlearn my own personal story of being a victim to everyone else’s behaviors and live by the old saying, “You are not responsible for what happened to you but you are responsible for healing it.” This quote shifts the entire energy of the world you create for yourself and how you live your life. There is a time for addressing your victimhood in something through therapy, support groups, friendship, family, etc. And there is a time where growth and redirection is available to you. Each part of that journey is super duper important and we it’s important to validate our feelings, experiences, and reactions.

Of course that part of me that was a victim of something will never be gone, die, or disappear. It happened to me. But when I was ready to move forward in life, I had to put down the idea that I am a victim of everyone and everything and take responsibility for my life. If I were to dream up the woman I want to be, would she still be blaming and shaming everyone for her problems? Would she be crying in her room afraid to leave the house because of something that happened to her many years ago? Or would the woman that I want to be alchemize that pain into strength, understanding, acceptance, and self love? Would she walk into the world with confidence, trust in her self, and truth?

That’s the question we have to ask ourselves.

Sometimes, us humans having this interesting coping mechanism where when we have been hurt, we push people away and create a story in our heads about what has happened. But is it always the full story? What I love about FCT is that it lovingly challenges the stories we’ve created in our heads about our families and helps us to see the truth. We get incredible clarity on who, what, where, when, and even why. We have the opportunity to step back from our pinhole view of the world and see things from a more zoomed out perspective. And in that is an incredible amount of freedom! Whew, all the things we thought made us or others “bad” had nothing to do with us, our worthiness, or how lovable we are!

Training and knowledge matter of course, but beyond that what do you think matters most in terms of succeeding in your field?

Hands down for me personally it’s adopting a deep level of curiosity and the statement of “yes, and…”.
These two concepts have truly changed the way that I facilitate Family Constellation Therapy sessions.

When you’re holding space for someone and their dynamics within their family system, you are actually holding space for many truths to be true at the same time. You’ve got the client’s story, Dad’s story, Mom’s story, Grandma, Grandpa, Great Grandma, etc. We are looking at many little puzzle pieces and trying to build a story of “what happened”. That requires me to be curious about everyone’s experiences and find the through line of it all.

For example, “Yes you feel you cannot use your voice in your family, and Grandma went through this certain trauma that blocked HER from using her voice. This became a pattern of relating in the family system and also a deep fear. Let’s untangle the enmeshment between you and Grandma to see if it starts to help you feel supported that your voice is important and what you say matters.”

What happens in a session is in an effort to support that.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.katdaou.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kat_daou/
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@healwithkatpod
• Other: HEAL WITH KAT PODCAST
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Image Credits

Sydney Brewer