We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Dr. Shawn Fuqua. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Dr. Shawn below.

Dr. Shawn, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. It’s always helpful to hear about times when someone’s had to take a risk – how did they think through the decision, why did they take the risk, and what ended up happening. We’d love to hear about a risk you’ve taken.

Betting on yourself is always a risk. What if you “mess up” or “get it wrong”. Failure is such a hard thing to accept and when you have been divorced twice, you cannot help but to see yourself and ask, “Where did I go wrong?”. The first relationship was not a healthy relationship, so initially I did not see myself as doing anything wrong. In fact, I was the victim, it was unhealthy and sometimes physically violent. It was easy to say that I was not the problem. In the second marriage, I chose someone who was the total opposite of my first husband. He was quiet, laid back and did everything I asked. But that was just it, I had to tell him what do to. Most decisions were all on me. If it did not go well, he looked at me with disappointment and frustration. This marriage was a bit more complicated because when it was good, we were good but when it did not go well, he blamed me. It was a marriage where I actually felt alone when things got hard. This is when I went to therapy. Yes, the therapist went to therapy! I needed a place where I could open up and ask myself questions out loud or try to explain myself. I was only trying to be a “good wife” and stay married. I had one failed marriage and this husband was different, so what was I doing wrong? We didn’t fight, I just felt lonely sometimes and I should be able to get over this feeling of loneliness.

In therapy, I learned I needed to look at my family history, what was I taught about relationships, communication patterns, conflict resolution and how did my personal values align with my husband’s. I had to learn to see myself as an individual and understand my early experiences were my foundation. My foundation was how I picked my partners. For example, marriage was important in my family, this led me to focus on getting married by a certain age and not seeing if my partner and I were a good fit, especially when it comes to trials and challenges. Therapy taught me to own what I liked and what I disliked and to be open during dating to get to know the person as this may be a potential long-term partner. Therapy taught me to look for how the person dealt with conflict. This was key as one partner used yelling and intimidation and my second husband would shut down and withdraw. Initially, I felt like a failure because of my love life but therapy gave me a way to see the marriages as life lessons. I needed to learn about myself so I didn’t repeat the pattern.

While, I could help people through depression or anxiety, I had vowed not to marry again. Therapy, also helped me believe in love again. I found my true inner voice, trusting myself more when it came to dating. I took my time because while I came from a family that valued marriage, I learned to value my voice as an individual first. Then as an individual who wanted to share things with someone. Then as an individual who wanted to share things with someone and being vulnerable. Especially, because I wanted him to be vulnerable with me, so I had to learn with vulnerability there’s safety. You have to recognize its value and be willing to protect it. We have been together for 16 years and married for 10 years with no signs of slowing down. We continue to share new experiences together, laugh together, be a safe place for each other and take time to talk when we disagree. I know I learned a better way to love because of therapy and “YES” he was worth the risk! A real love for my husband and a deeper love for myself.

As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your back background and context?

Dr. Shawn, the LPC is licensed professional counselor that has studied African American women and the mother-daughter relationship and has worked with women of all ages. Dr. Shawn has been a therapist and mental health advocate for over 20 years. Dr. Shawn has seen results with evidence-based treatment but quickly learned a woman needs a safe place to discuss her concerns and fears. She is a counselor, educator, author, and certified EMDR Consultant. Dr. Shawn, has helped many women take the pain points to power points, helping them heal from their past and guide them to a prosperous future to live as the best version of themselves as The Pivot Coach.

We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?

The lesson that I had to unlearn is we are only limited by our view. I used to see my divorces as personal failures but that were experiences that actually taught me life lessons. First, knowing the reason for the “why”. Is the “why” on what you know or your perception of what you know. Often it is our perception that keeps us limited. That is why dreaming is necessary, no matter how old you may be. You need a safe place to dream, therapy was my safe place. I dreamed of being in love again, traveling world and getting paid to speak. I no longer think any dream is too big.

If you could go back in time, do you think you would have chosen a different profession or specialty?

I did not choose this profession, it chose me. From the dark shadows of pain from the first marriage. It taught me you never know what a person is going through, so be a safe place to listen to others. Often people would share things with me that were deep and personal. I started a MBA program, and I really did not like it. I knew I wanted a Master’s degree and I sat in the school office and one of professors in the counseling program started talking to me. I decided I wanted to know more about their counseling program. I did not initially seek it out. It was not until I realized how my life experiences allowed me to leave emotional space for others who had been hurt or felt alone. My education taught me to put applicable steps together to bring healing and my PhD studies along with additional training in EMDR taught me how to bring healing to the generations.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.drshawnthecounselor.com
• Instagram: @drshawthelpc
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drshawnthelpc
• Youtube: @dr.shawnthelpc176

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