We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Vonnie Woodrick. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Vonne below.
Vonnie, appreciate you joining us today. We’d love to have you retell us the story behind how you came up with the idea for your business, I think our audience would really enjoy hearing the backstory.
For me…life changed. I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through, and if they do, I want them to have compassion, hope, and understanding on a topic that has been judged, stigmatized, and swept under the rug for too long.
I lost my husband 20 years ago to depression. I was devastated, confused, and thought suicide was something a crazy person did – but my husband wasn’t crazy – he was kind, loving, successful, and funny – he loved me, he loved our kids. He did live with anxiety which led to depression. I didn’t know depression could kill. I know now.
I needed answers. I needed understanding on the many questions I had.
Why is it we talk more about the act of suicide rather than the illness our loved ones are living with?
Why is our brain the only organ in our body that is judged and stigmatized when it fails?
Is our brain perfect? My husband didn’t choose his illness of depression, so how could he “choose” his death?
Why aren’t we talking about the pain that people live with that bring on suicidal thoughts, and suicidal actions?
Why do we judge mental health illnesses, yet grieve suicide?
We must find the answers to all these questions and talk about suicide in an updated and more accurate way… then maybe… just maybe… we can prevent suicide.
My motivation stems from change. The views and narratives surrounding mental/brain health illness and suicide need to be updated to an accurate, and less stigmatized version by removing the word “commit”. Did you know up until 1964, suicide was considered a crime? That is where the word “commit” comes in.
We’ve made a lot of progress by changing the language to “died by suicide” – But.. I’m going to take it one step further – why do we have to talk about the act of suicide – shouldn’t we be more focused on the illness? – My husband lived with depression and died from depression – couldn’t we have a much deeper conversation by talking about WHY someone died rather than HOW? By doing so we can talk about the signs and the symptoms rather than the devasting and traumatic act, and avoid the most commonly asked question after a suicide loss – “how did he do it?” Do you really need to know how? When you ask me that question, I’m forced to relive the pain.
Do people with other illnesses commit their death when they die? No, this is an effect that their illness has. Mental/brain health illnesses need to be looked at and treated like all other illnesses, with compassion and understanding. Like other illnesses, our brain illness can be terminal too, can’t they? Maybe then it won’t be considered a choice.
Isn’t it time we change and update the definition of suicide? I think so. Even if it never gets changed – we are talking about it and having a major impact in our community and beyond.
Rather than using the outdated definition in conversations about suicide as being “one who intentionally kills themselves” – a more accurate and updated version is – suicide is “an effect of a mental/brain health illness or pain”. Please go to iunderstandloveheals.org – read, sign, and share with friends and family and update the YOU talk and view suicide.
Simply by finding answers to the questions posed and updating the narratives, we can reduce the stigma and judgement surrounding suicide and in turn, change and save lives.
One of the important things to remember is that pain is the common denominator of all suicides – recognizing and taking action when you know someone is living with pain – could be how you prevent suicide. Or if you are struggling – it’s up to you to tell someone. Please know that support is available 24/7 – text or call 988.
Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.
Twenty five years ago as a young mom, I felt like we had it all. My husband Rob, and I had three children, Chase, Whitney, and Maddie. We were living the life of an executive, restaurant owners of Bistro Bella Vita (I chose Bella Vita, as I felt it represented out “beautiful life”.), had a beautiful home, country club membership, and a cottage. Isn’t that having it all?
Twenty years ago, my dreams were shattered as I lost my husband to suicide. I was 39, my kids were 15, 12, and 5. How do you tell a five year old their dad died by suicide? My son hit rock bottom, and my middle daughter was struggling because she didn’t hug her dad on that last day with him. My five year old, she doesn’t have much memory of her dad, but talks as if she does through the photos of them together.
Navigating this new life was not easy. The judgement and stigma attached to suicide made me lie about how he died, and forced me into what I call a “turtle shell.” I saw the finger pointing, and heard whispers like, “her husband is the one that killed himself.” So, I would go into my turtle shell and peek my head out for safety from others.
It took me a good ten years to open up and talk about suicide in an honest way with updated and non-judging conversations. I found that others felt the same way I did. I started i understand love heals, simply to evoke conversation and show others how to be judgement free. The t-shirts have always been a hit, and we have given over 16,000 away as we have expanded and grown in ways I never thought imaginable.
One of our first major accomplishments was funding the first in the country Clinical Nurse Specialist, specializing in mental health in a traditional hospital setting at Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital in Grand Rapids. Since then, we have also funded a sensory room for children who are at risk of harming themselves or others during their hospital stay. We also support the Michigan’s Sheriffs’ Associations Victims Advocates by providing resources and care packages for those who have had a mental health crisis. We also recognized 574 advocates with courage and compassion awards for their work of supporting those who have lost a loved one to suicide.
The book, I understand pain, love, and healing after suicide is one of the resources in the care package and has proven to provide understanding on something that is difficult to understand. We offer support groups, walking group, monthly community events, speaking engagements, a Be the ONE training program, are active on social media, and so much more.
We are currently working with the Grand Rapids Children’s Museum to create the Kimberly Mutch Bergner Memorial Mental Wellness Exhibit. This exhibit will use weather elements paired with emotions to teach children how to recognize and talk about their emotions. More importantly, we will educate parents on why their children may be experiencing these emotions.
My ‘having it all’ is different now. My husband left me a gift, the gift of passion. He was so passionate about many things, such as skiing, cooking, and wine, and I would ask him, “where does your passion come from?” I wanted it. It was inspiring. I now have passion to take a dark subject and make it easier to talk about. If I can change or update someones view, I have succeeded. I strive to do that one person at a time, in hopes of changing lives and perhaps even saving a life.
My passion is bringing the conversation to everyday places, like this one to normalize the conversation surrounding mental/brain health and suicide and to update the definition of the word itself.
I do have it all. The courage to speak up. The strength to not let judgement get in my way. The love that runs deep for all, and understanding the true meaning of unconditional love. One thing I have learned…. LOVE NEVER DIES.
What do you think helped you build your reputation within your market?
I felt alone. I had no one that really understood the loss I faced when my husband passed. I had friends that could come over and spend time with us, but they still went home to their same family and same routine, their life hadn’t changed. I had no friends who were widows or had lost someone to suicide. I would lay in bed at night, tossing and turning, thinking – why don’t they understand?
I began talking. Talking about my loss and reframing the conversation from the lived experience. I started asking questions and others wanted answers, others felt alone too, and by opening up with honesty and transparency others wanted to do the same. I created a definition petition that you can find on our website, iunderstandloveheals.org to help others understand the way to talk about mental/brain health illnesses and suicide. This petition has over 20,000 signatures who believe the change of conversation needs to happen.
The authenticity and vulnerability that was displayed on a topic that is very difficult to talk about, brought people together, which in turn brought our community together. The support from local businesses such as Meijer, Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital, Biggby Coffee, Celebration Cinema, and so many more. The belief and support to i understand from these well-established businesses, helped to validate my work. If they believed and supported my mission, this was validating to others.
Simply starting by giving away t-shirts to where we are today is due to community support, and making connections has brought on growth and support in ways I never thought possible.
Can you share a story from your journey that illustrates your resilience?
I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t give up on my kids, and I couldn’t give up on myself. The passion to make a difference and help others understand, is a gift. I do not want mental/brain health illnesses/pain and suicide swept under the rug. We need to recognize that mental health IS health and needs to be recognized as such.
My husband was 4th generation suicide. I began to worry about the 5th, 6th, generation, and so on. How do you tell a 5 year old their dad died by suicide? Maybe we begin by talking about the illness or pain that was lived with by talking about WHY someone died vs. HOW someone died. The most devastating part of my after loss journey was watching them grow up without their dad. Rather than add to the stigma and judgement that everyone faces after a suicide loss, I began talking about WHY.
My husband lived with anxiety and depression, as did the three generations before him. Why don’t we talk more about the genetic component, and other factors that are involved in a suicide death? If I say my husband died from depression; we can have a much different conversation than if I say, “he killed himself” or “committed suicide.” These add to the stigma.
My resilience is proven by my work everyday, to keep going, to keep making the changes necessary to reduce the stigma and judgement associated. My kids can now talk about their dad’s illness, and help others understand that like all illnesses, some are treatable, some are preventable, but all can also be terminal, even a brain illness.
My book, ‘i understand pain, love, and healing after suicide’ talks openly about my loss, and how I made it through. The love and support of my children on the most difficult days, helped me to understand how love heals.
Contact Info:
- Website: iunderstandloveheals.org
- Instagram: iunderstand_loveheals
- Facebook: i understand
- Linkedin: i understand
- Youtube: iunderstand love heals