We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Susie Lauri a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Susie, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. We’d love to hear the backstory behind a risk you’ve taken – whether big or small, walk us through what it was like and how it ultimately turned out.
Since my early twenties, I have loved learning and personal development. I started out as a hairdresser, makeup artist, and later doing photoshoots. I worked in the salon and on location. One day, as I was journaling, I felt a calling to help people. I wasn’t sure what that meant. I was confused. And I had this strong drive to learn more about trauma. So I started taking some courses and the drive grew stronger and stronger. It wasn’t long before I left my career as a hair and makeup artist and became a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach. First, I want to tell you how my interest in helping others evolved from my lived experiences.
Starting out in life, I never felt good enough. I grew up in an alcoholic home and was given the role of the black sheep. I had to work extra hard so I would feel somewhat significant. I received worth from my work as a hairdresser. To improve myself, I read books on positive thinking and personal development, and attended motivational seminars.
And then in my mid thirties, I had an emotional crash. The trauma from my childhood was pouring out of me. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). At the time, I thought none of those books or seminars were of any help. I felt like a failure and so lost. My world turned upside down with flashbacks of being severely abused as a child. The abuse started when I was about three years old. Memories came flooding through me. I didn’t want to live anymore because living felt worse than death at the time. All I wanted was relief.
I went to a women’s bible study and shared about my PTSD. The leader came over to me and said that Satan’s hooks were inside me as she squeezed my forearm. Dr. Peter Levine states, “Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.
Meanwhile, I confided to a woman, in another Christian group I was in, that I was having problems in my marriage and that I wanted to die. She said, “Oh you have to see this counseling pastor at this Mega Church—he helped me and my marriage.” So my husband and I made an appointment with him. Over the next couple of visits, this pastor began sexually harassing me. One time, I was wearing shorts and he put his hand on top of my thigh during prayer. My eyes felt like they jumped out of my eye sockets and I froze. He also, snuck up behind me pulling me tightly to his body with his arms wrapped tightly around me saying, “Are you looking for your boyfriend or your husband?”
This counseling pastor knew my story—that I had been sexually abused as a child at home, at a public school, and also by a Catholic Priest. I was very distressed and went to see my Christian therapist—who he happened to recommend—and I told her how he was sexually harassing me. She never said what he was doing was wrong nor advised me to stand up for myself. Instead she said, “Don’t say anything because you will hurt his ministry.” I stopped seeing her and took manners in my own hands.
I decided to have a meeting with the head pastor from the Mega Church to let him know what one of his pastors was doing to me. Also, I didn’t want what happened to me—inside and outside his office on church grounds—to happen to other women. I set up a meeting through the head pastor’s secretary.
To my surprise the head pastor didn’t show up to the meeting. But, he had a disciplinary pastor and a psychologist pastor meet with me instead. I insisted that the door be left open and I wanted a female in the room along with my husband. The first question, the disciplinary pastor asked me was, “How did you come to know the Lord.” I replied, “I didn’t come here to talk about the Lord.” He then became very serious and made me the problem. I was discarded, and the church leaders covered up for the sexually-harassing pastor. A few days later, I was sent a letter, obviously written by an attorney, stating in legal terms that the incident was, “he said, she said. And they weren’t there to witness it.”
I also, confronted the Catholic Church about a priest who raped me in the first grade. He was a visiting priest. The Vicar for Clergy lied to me and said they had no records of visiting priests. He was not empathetic to what happened to me as a child, nor did he want to help in any way. He was angry that I had asked see the room where I was taken as a child. In an angry he tone said, “We do not allow women to go in there!” In my mind I thought, “but it’s okay to let children in there and experience criminal acts done to them!”
Talking with the Catholic Church Vicar and Mega Church pastors was like talking to stone walls. They had no concern for my welfare. They wanted to silence me and for me to go away. On my healing journey, I’ve found this type of injustice and treatment of survivors of sexual abuse and sexual harassment to be so very common.
It was a big risk for me to leave all that I knew to become a Trauma Recovery Coach. I graduated from high school and went to straight into Cosmetology and have been a hairstylist ever since. I was a constant learner—fine tuning my craft. I had an established clientele. Hairdressing was my life and what I knew.
I did earn a bachelor’s degree Psychology later in life because I loved learning about the brain and what I was going through. God gave me the calling to help people and I knew at some point, I would no longer be a hairdresser. I was afraid and depressed. But, I stepped out in faith because of my love for God and His loyal love and care for me. Also, I knew there were many people like me and I wanted to help and support them. I didn’t understand how people could treat others so cruelly for speaking truth while the predators lie and recruit others to aid them.
As I was journaling, God wrote a message through me to the Churches. I want to share it with you…
To the Churches, Who Shield Sexual Abusers, Predators And Sexual Harassers.
My children come to learn of me; many are broken and raw. My children are hungry for love. You have exploited those who I have hand formed. Do you think I have not seen the leaders of the churches close their eyes to the sexual abusers, predators and sexual harassers. I am truth! How dare you not listen to my people’s cries. Woe to the Churches, who are more concerned of a false clean image and have their eyes on money, not human beings. These churches have bleeding souls on their hands. You turn dog eating lawyers on my chosen ones. How dare you. This is not who I am. My people come to the church to be fed and healed, not exploited and sent away for speaking truth—dark wolves and pedophile wolves masquerading in shepherd’s clothing. Where are my leaders? My eyes are red with anger. Who are you? I don’t know you. How many have you driven away? This is not what I want for my people. My wrath has hit the earth. I have hand picked the abandoned and they will eat at my table. Wake up slothful and enabling church leaders; shielding evil. Your hands are not clean.
My calling is to help those who have suffered, and to stand with them. As I took courses to become a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, I thought to myself, “what am I doing?” There were friends and clients of mine that didn’t want me to become a Trauma Recovery Coach. I would hear things like, “you can’t stop doing my hair!” Plus, “that work is too heavy, what if you get triggers?” What if? What if?
Their heavy words were weighing me down. I knew I couldn’t keep them in my life constantly questioning me. In addition, I was still healing Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD). I had my own doubts and I couldn’t carry their negativity, too. So, I stopped doing their hair and ended some friendships. As a hairdresser, I already was coaching clients who confided in me with their sufferings and challenges.
Now I was a beginner and learning a new career. But actually, I had a head start because I knew trauma first hand. However now, I was learning about the aftereffects of trauma—that I had been experiencing all my life. And, there was a scientific name and evidence for it.
I was scared leaving the hairstyling Industry which had been so good to me, but I kept going. I would ask my husband, “What am I doing? I must be crazy to leave the career that I loved.” Plus a few years prior, my husband and I had taken a loan out on our home so that we could open a hair salon. But the weird thing is, I never felt ready to do it, and it didn’t happen. I still have a few clients who come to my home to have their hair done. They know my story and have been very supportive, and cheering me along the way.
As I took more courses and classes; I started feeling more at ease and comfortable even though I was still doing deep healing myself. With each new awareness of how childhood trauma affected me—it became a catalyst to get the poison out of me. Now, I would no longer be haunted by my past, but manage it because I understand the neurobiology, my physiology, living freely, how not to be crippled by triggers or trauma that used to derail me in the past.
The most painful abuse I suffered was from my parents. My siblings didn’t believe it until eighteen years after hearing about it. Yet, I was outcasted for telling the truth then and still today.
My parents lived double lives and they were celebrated. I became the family problem by speaking the truth—that I was sexually abused. The injustice was amazing and it really ignited a fire in me, and a stronger pull to help those who were treated like I was as child and as an adult.
Just as the churches wanted to shut me down and side with the abusers, my family of origin did the same thing to me. My dad died a couple years ago. About seven months prior to his death, I learned from my sisters that when I had confronted my dad eighteen years ago of abusing me as a child, that afterward, both my parents got on the phone and started recruiting and telling the relatives, and others, that I made the abuse up.
Thinking back on it, not one family member ever called to see if I was ok. Although at that time, one of my sisters called me to angrily say, “You made dad’s high blood pressure go up! I don’t understand you!” My husband and I stopped receiving invitations, I was treated coldly and outcasted, again.
The most difficult part of attending my dad’s funeral was facing all the relatives who had no concern for my well-being about being abused. Before the funeral, one of my aunts came up to me with no eye contact saying, “We’re doing hugs and quickly hugged me and just walked away.” It was so cold. During and after my dad’s funeral, I had no tears to cry—I was just numb.
This is very common treatment when the truth teller comes forward in a family. Also, it’s very common for a child who is being groomed and abused at home to be easily targeted and abused by other predators. As Gabor Mate states, “Abusers can always tell who is without protection.” For every family member, relative, enabler or person who tries to silence someone speaking their truth, not wanting to know, not care or not believe the person telling the truth, there is an endless list of predators, pedophiles, sex traffickers, pimps, sexual harassers willing and ready to exploit and destroy the lives of children, teenagers and adults because they aren’t believed—and don’t have a tribe of people supporting them, or at times not even one person.
As time went on with my studies it was time to start coaching and I found it extremely rewarding. My lived experiences helped me greatly in connecting with others. I could see myself in my clients—their suffering and the long list of aftereffects that got embedded in their brain and body because of traumatic abuse and neglect. I want to help them live a better life.
Next, I had a BIG shift. In coaching, I realized my parents missed out on my developmental years, being abused by them, not being there for me and shutting me down instead. My parents handled their problems with alcohol. I came from a multigenerational family of alcoholics. I realized my parents missed out on so many beautiful teaching moments and in assisting with my emotional development. I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions and all the abuse was buried inside me. Only to come out later in life when I felt safe.
As a trauma recovery coach, I welcome all my client’s emotions. I partner with them as they heal and break free from old programming that suppressed their true being. I’m happy to be by their side and support them. Being a Trauma Recovery Coach was worth giving up my career as a hairdresser to come alongside others who are breaking free from traumas, lies, toxic people, trauma bonds, and as they start a new beginning. I am proud to walk alongside my clients.
Awesome – so before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers.
As a Trauma Recovery Coach, I come right alongside my clients as equals. There is no one upping. What sets me a part from others is that I have lived experiences of suffering from trauma and abuse, which gives me natural understanding, empathy and compassion for others.
My education, is not just out of a text book or observation. No one heals exactly the same. However, I have travelled the road of betrayals, emotional and sexual abuse. I know rejection, being ostracized, betrayed by my own parents, and the church. I know what it is like to be thrown under the bus. I also know what it is like to stand alone and being treated less than human. I’ve experienced gas lighting so many times that I felt crazy. I more than happy to stand with those who’ve been run over by enablers and abusers.
I want to help as many people as I can. People aren’t meant to heal alone. Yet, because of so many inhumane abuses and betrayals, people who have been traumatized can be terrified of getting close to people, or to trust people, and for good reason. It is very normal for people who were traumatized by the others who were supposed care for them—not to let love in. I know what it’s like to want help but be terrified that person helping me will turn on me. Trust is earned over time.
I provide my services through online video conferencing. My clients and I fill out intake forms together. It’s important for me to know the road they have been on, so I can better serve them. All the sessions are client-led. I’m a compassionate witness to their truth. There is no rushing. I let clients know if I have experienced what they are going through and share my experience with them briefly. It’s healing and validating when you know that you aren’t the only one. In addition, I provide psycho education on the aftereffects of trauma when needed to help clients understand what they are experiencing. I also provide resources to help with triggers.
I know what it feels like struggling to get out of bed when my body feels like lead from healing trauma. There are exercises that can help with shallow breathing, feeling agitated, disassociating, fight or flight, and freeze responses. Therefore, I teach clients to have an awareness of how their body is responding so they can identify triggers and take action before they are overrun by their emotions.
So by paying attention to their own physiology, my clients learn what activates them. It may be when they’re around certain scents, environments or people. For example, do they feel sick, get tired, have a racing heart, feel like they disappear, get irritable, feel small or nauseated? Paying attention to your physiology gives clues for healing.
In the past when I would attend a family function, I would feel sick for two weeks. I called it an emotional family hangover. I also realized, before going to a family function, I would get a lot of anxiety, however, if I cancelled the anxiety immediately stopped. Over and over my husband would say, “You do so much better when you’re not around your family.” Unhealed trauma speaks loudly through our bodies and minds.
Also, it’s good to know who you feel good around so you get filled up and have fun. I love having beautiful flowers in my home because the flowers make me feel good. I choose bright yellow flowers when I’m taking intense trauma courses and trainings.
Let’s talk about resilience next – do you have a story you can share with us?
I felt as if I were a Navy Seal as I processed and integrated my own traumas. I am aware, ready, adapting and adjusting to new changes and whatever comes up. I have borrowed the Navy Seals brotherhood motto: “Pain is acceptable, Puking is acceptable, Falling is acceptable, Crying is acceptable, Crawling is acceptable. Quitting is not acceptable.” – @Seals_brotherhood. I have lived the Navy Seals Brotherhood motto in healing trauma and in my career change as a Trauma Recovery Coach. I kept moving forward even though I was afraid. In most of the courses I was taking and the books I was reading, the nature of the material often triggered emotional flashbacks and body memories. However, I rode it out—this isn’t my first rodeo! This also was a time of intense grieving which is key to healing trauma and an opportunity to integrate the past to present. I looked at my class schedule, followed it, and did what I needed to do that day. Before I knew it, large assignments were completed.
I never gave up, when it was extremely challenging. And with people telling me not to go into the trauma healing industry, I didn’t listen to them. Instead, I kept up with my course work and kept moving forward no matter what. I didn’t let fear run my life. I see myself and other trauma survivors as Navy Seals and being a team. Together we stand. On a side note, I enjoy watching Navy Seal movies because they are always adapting and adjusting to adverse conditions. They work as a team in a synchronized manner. And they have each other’s back, no one gets left behind!
We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?
As a hairdresser, I was a workaholic. In somewhat of a joking manner, I would tell my colleagues, “if I had a catheter, I wouldn’t have to stop to use the restroom. And if I was hooked up to an IV, I wouldn’t have to stop to eat.” On my days off from the salon, photoshoots, and taking educational classes, I would sleep all day. I was exhausted. I didn’t like going on vacation, unless it was work- or education-related, because I didn’t want to feel my emotions or experience the depression and emptiness that lived inside me. At that time, I didn’t know I was still carrying unprocessed traumas. There are many different levels of healing that will surface at different times throughout our lives which is normal.
I had to unlearn being in a rush all the time and working until I collapsed. As a Trauma Recovery coach and healing trauma—slower is faster for thriving. Self care is vital to live the best life. Along with setting limits. It’s in constant flux because I am aware of my physiology and make adjustments when needed. I was conditioned to living for others at the expense of myself, but I am more fulfilled now. I am so grateful that God led me to take a risk and embark on an amazing journey as a Trauma Recovery Coach.
Finally, I know as my clients are healing there is something better on the other side of the bridge for them—away from the lies, be treating less than and the betrayals. No longer being influenced by the predators and enablers. They see their strength, their value, a renewed mind, open to connecting with others who have earned their trust, and the truth of their being—from their own eyes. For me, this is what makes being a Trauma Recovery Coach so rewarding.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://brainwashedundone.com
- Other: Email: [email protected]
Image Credits
Photography by Steve Lauri Butterfly photo by iStock Images