Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Silke Van Loenen. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Silke, appreciate you joining us today. It’s always helpful to hear about times when someone’s had to take a risk – how did they think through the decision, why did they take the risk, and what ended up happening. We’d love to hear about a risk you’ve taken.

Approximately 20 years ago, I went through a rough patch. I was combining a full-time job and studying for a bachelor’s degree. I held a job I was good at, and at the same time that job wasn´t good for me. There was mortgage stress because I needed that job to afford the monthly payments. Next to that my relationship wasn’t bringing the happiness I was looking for. So, too many things going on, too much stress and stressors and one day I just couldn’t function how I should have. There I was, mid 30s: burnt out, sick leave, single. 20 years later I still don´t know which straw broke the camel´s back, the only thing I knew was that I had to change something. But what? Something deep down in me told me that I needed a 180-degree turn.

Oh boy, did I turn.
It started with saying goodbye to my job and pausing the degree for a while to go on a nice holiday. Once back I decided to sell my home. Why? I just felt the need to be free from everything: job, family, friends, home. To get to know myself without any influence or advice from others (good or bad). To see how strong I was. To figure it out by myself. So, I packed a backpack, stored the rest of my belongings, and travelled around the world for 1.5 years.

I met the most wonderful people, including myself. It was tough and amazing at the same time. I could be me, I allowed myself to be me, I found me.

As education is important to me and I was not far from graduation before I left, I picked up my study during my travels. Whilst in South-East Asia I did research for my graduation project, I did the final exams in Japan and 1 year later, upon return to The Netherlands I graduated from university.

And then, I started all over again.
From a spacious apartment to a tiny bedsit.
From a corporate job to working as a hostess at events, to being a self-employed therapeutic coach (yeah, retrained again the last 5 years).
From single to being married.
From living in The Netherlands to living in Spain.
Sought professional help to truly understand and accept myself.

I took a risk.
Leaving everything behind I knew so well, but wasn´t beneficial to me.
Not knowing what the future would bring.
Trying to trust the process (whatever process there was).
I found out how resilient I am.
Living in tune with my values.

I took a risk.
It´s been worth it.

Awesome – so before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers.

The key to manage life and work is resilience. It is not how often you fall, it´s all about getting up again. Sometimes one needs a bit of help to get up. In my 30s I had a burn-out and with help I was able to overcome it. After some retraining I now help others to get up and move forward.

As a certified hypnotherapist/hypnotist and trained coach – I also have a Bachelor in Business Administration (management, economics and law) -, I help my clients to be in control of their lives. Personal leadership, in other words. I love to work with the subconscious mind. That´s where, in my humble opinion, the real change and transformation begins.

I guide my clients to find the root cause of their issues, destructive behaviour, negative thought patterns and overwhelming emotions. I assist them to let go of any blocking and limiting beliefs, improving their resilience. Profound and long lasting transformation is the result. Seeing my clients´ happy, relieved, relaxed faces brings me so much joy.

Building resilience, stress management, preventing burnout, personal leadership and establishing healthy relationships, especially the one you have with yourself, is what I focus on.

I mainly work online, and I organise spiritual retreats where we combine different modalities and group workshops.

My niche is vicarious trauma in lawyers and paralegals.

Wait, vicarious trauma? What´s that?

Vicarious trauma is also known as secondary trauma or indirect trauma. “Vicarious trauma refers to the emotional and psychological impact that occurs when someone is exposed to the traumatic experiences of others, often through empathetic engagement. This can lead to symptoms similar to those of direct trauma, affecting the well-being of individuals, particularly those in helping professions like therapists and healthcare workers.” (Wikipedia)

I have chosen this niche as I always have had a soft spot for the overlooked. People might think: “Aww seriously, lawyers? They have the means to seek help”.
That might be true, but I also know this: lawyers are not used to seeking help, thinking that they need to figure it out themselves, believing they must be strong.

Up close, I have witnessed friends and relatives taking their work stress home with them. They were either short-tempered, drank too much, relationships suffered, and more.

You can imagine that as a hypnotherapist/hypnotist and therapeutic coach I regularly hear my clients’ events, and I wouldn’t be human if these stories didn’t affect me.
Luckily, fellow therapists are my support system, and I have tools to deal with these heart-breaking or harrowing situations. Tools that were taught to me, tools that have been sharpened over the years.

Tools that are not taught to legal professionals. During their training no attention is given to mental wellbeing. In general, their goals are on helping as many clients as possible. This leaves little time to process everything. Let alone the lack of protocols in place or the safety to express any worries or stress.

My clients are not the direct victims of trauma, my clients often experience post-traumatic stress symptoms similar to those who are. It may lead to compassion fatigue, burn out, substance abuse, troubled relationships, irritability, numbness, aggressive behaviour, and more.
Worst case scenario for my clients is when they become ill, lose their job or company. Thus, affecting many people and creating even more stress.

So, let´s imagine you are a lawyer or paralegal and you see, read and hear your clients´ experiences or case files day after day. Clients hardly ever arrive at your office to tell you how happy they are. No, they come to see you because something traumatic has happened and they need your help. Without a problem you can deal with a traumatising story once in a while. But… how are you doing when you are confronted to these stories over and over again?

Right, these cases get to you, they get under your skin, you´ll take them home. The drive home is not enough to process it and over time you are experiencing stress, bad night´s sleep, feeling edgy, feeling guilty that you live such a good life, needing a drink to cope with the stress. You become short tempered, stressed, feeling low, relationships start to suffer.

Who might be affected by vicarious trauma?
Those who have had a traumatic childhood or whose parents were traumatised by certain events may be more prone to vicarious trauma. An example: if one of your parents was abused by the other parent when you were young and your client is a victim of domestic abuse, this can trigger certain emotions and feelings. You might feel extra responsible, or the case keeps you awake at night, perhaps you it brings back feelings of helplessness, agony or anger.

The world needs you and your legal skills. Let´s keep you fit and healthy for that wonderful job you are doing.

In my coaching programme From Vicarious Trauma To Vicarious Resilience I aim to strengthen clients´ resilience. Together, we work towards the future, but to get there, we sometimes have to go back to the past. In the sessions clients can vent, we go back to moments that are related to their current issue and they will receive tools to manage their caseload and cases. They will practice these tools, so that one day, these tools become skills and are integrated in their behaviour and thought patterns.
This freed and liberated client is able to manage the day, the caseload and the content of cases with more ease, still being caring, empathetic and committed, but no longer overwhelmed or negatively affected.

Being Dutch (not easily shocked…), having Indonesian roots (I looked white, smelled like garlic – the latter not common in a very rural part of the Netherlands in the 70s…), and living abroad in Spain (expat, insights in cultural differences and finding your feet in a new country), helps me to relate to and connect with clients from all over the world.

I am caring, authentic, practical, resilient, pragmatic. I see things from both sides, and have a wicked sense of humour. These characteristics, including the fact that I hold my clients accountable for their behaviour, spur my clients into actively working towards their goals.

Resilience is not running away from situations and creating a life without triggers. Resilience is about facing fears, addressing these, accepting you can´t change certain situations, accepting yourself, your past and admitting that you -as an adult- are responsible for your own wellbeing.

So, when life is overwhelming: take a step back, prioritise rest, eat well, go outside, become aware that situations are temporarily, seek professional help, talk to peers for peer support, meditate and breathe.

Let’s talk about resilience next – do you have a story you can share with us?

Sure, in 2015 I fell in love with a Spanish guy. Having travelled all over the world, and always found ways to connect to people, I expected the same when I moved to Madrid, Spain, at the end of 2017 to live with my now husband. To my Spanish friends: I’m sorry I´m going to offend you…

Little did I know that the Spanish are not so internationally oriented, and in certain ways years behind northern Europe or the rest of the western world. I speak Dutch, English, German, French and even in rural China or Japan I managed to get what I needed (train tickets, food, drinks, hotels). But here I was, in non-touristic Spain. My little knowledge of Spanish was not enough to get by. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t communicate and I love love love to talk, oh the agony. I needed help with the simplest of things, such as opening a bank account; or getting a residency permit; or even buying food: the supermarkets here sell fresh produce that they cut and weigh to your wishes, so instead of just grabbing leek, carrots, cheese, poultry or fish, you have to tell the employees what you want, how much you want and how you want your fish or chicken or meat…. I felt so dependent, lonely and helpless.

Aside from the language problems, there was a job issue too. I was used to working remote since the mid 2000s, in Spain that wasn´t really an option when I moved. And my Spanish was far from fluent. Get a job in a restaurant or a hotel, that shouldn’t be so difficult you might think. True that. But… my partner owns a restaurant, his weekend is during the week, and that means that we go away during the week. How many employers allow you to take days off during the week and work during the weekends. Next to that my parents are getting old, and at times I had to fly back home. More missed days at work and no income. More feelings of dependency, loneliness and helplessness.

I could stay in this dark hole of self-pity or make the best of the situation. I chose the latter. What was my role in my own suffering? These feelings of helplessness, loneliness and dependency. If I wanted a better life I needed to spur into action, because these feelings and behaviour were damaging my relationship with my partner.

So, I retrained to become a therapeutic coach. A job that I can do online, everywhere in the world, I work in English and Dutch. I learned to speak the language, my Spanish is now at level B1-B2 and getting better and better. I no longer feel lonely, helpless or dependent.

Do you think you’d choose a different profession or specialty if you were starting now?

Good question!

My life has given, brought and taught me so much that it´s a difficult question to answer.
It brought the most wonderful people into my life that I would not have met had I chosen the profession I have now.
The burnout I had in my 30s taught me lessons about myself that I probably would not have learned in another career.
All experiences have shaped me into the person I am now and I think I´m a better therapeutic coach thanks to all of I have been through.

If I had to do it all over again, I would probably read law at university. I also quite probably would have had a burnout and then changed my career, to coaching or therapy.

Whatever road I would have taken, in the end I would end up working as a coach/therapist.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.avemundetherapy.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/avemunde_therapy/
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/silkevanloenen

Image Credits

Charissa Cheong
Silke van Loenen