Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Pamela Karanova. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.
Pamela, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. Let’s start with the story of your mission. What should we know?
My name is Pamela A. Karanova, and I’m a closed-adoption adoptee who was adopted in Iowa in 1974. I always had this burning desire to find my birth family, and not knowing who they were felt like an inner torment, a constant companion. Being adopted was a deeply painful experience for me, one that shaped my entire life in ways that were hard to comprehend, let alone navigate. I spent 27 years of my life drowning in alcohol, trying to numb the unbearable ache of abandonment and rejection. As a runaway teen, I bounced between group homes and detention centers and eventually found myself incarcerated as an adult. I was at war within myself—desperate for answers, for connection, for healing—but no matter how many therapists I saw, it felt like the core of my pain was always overlooked.
Society expects adoptees to be grateful, to smile and say thank you to the people who “saved” us when our own parents didn’t want us. But the truth is, I was deeply hurting, lost in a system that failed to understand the layers of trauma that come with being adopted. I was not saved—I was severed from my roots, and no amount of forced gratitude could fill that void. Therapy couldn’t help me because it didn’t see me. I was battling an invisible war, and for so long, I felt like I was losing.
The story behind Adoptees Connect, Inc. is deeply personal and rooted in my own experience as an adoptee. In 2017, I found myself in a very dark place, on the edge of ending my own life, acknowledging deep inside that I was likely going to die from a broken heart due to my adoption experience. The weight of abandonment, rejection from birth parents, complex grief, and endless loss was overwhelming and highly misunderstood by the mainstream adoption narrative. I was also grappling with a lifetime of emotional, mental, and sexual abuse I grew up in, in my adoptive home, living a life of estrangement from the family that took me in. I felt alone, isolated, and lost. But in that darkness, a glimmer of light shone through. I followed the light and kept going. I realized I had a choice: I could either let this pain consume me or find a way to transform it into something meaningful.
Instead of ending my life, I decided to channel my pain into a purpose. I took all of those complex emotions and turned them into fuel to create Adoptees Connect, Inc. In this community, adoptees meet in person monthly, and they can find the support and connection I desperately need. The mission of Adoptees Connect, Inc. is to provide a safe, nurturing space created by adoptees for adoptees to share their stories, be seen, validated, and heal together. This mission is meaningful because it’s not just about creating a community—it’s about saving adoptee lives, including mine.
For me, this journey wasn’t just about finding a community. It was about finding my passion and purpose in life. By building a space where adoptees can connect in person, express their grief, and know they aren’t alone, we’re not only validating the pain many adoptees feel but offering hope and a way forward. That’s why Adoptees Connect, Inc. is so important to me—because it grew from my darkest moment and has since become a beacon of light for other adoptees on the same path.
Pamela, before we move on to more of these sorts of questions, can you take some time to bring our readers up to speed on you and what you do?
For those who may not know my story, I am an adult adoptee who has spent a lifetime navigating the complexities and pain that come with being separated from my birth family. I am a freelance writer at The Real Adoptea Moxie on Substack, and I write articles tailored to the adoptee experience where motivation meets moxie. I help educate on the hidden harms of separation trauma and adoption.
My journey led me to create Adoptees Connect, Inc., a nonprofit organization that offers adoptees a safe and supportive space to come together, share their experiences, heal in the community, and reclaim their voices. We provide in-person group meetings for adoptees—spaces where we can be real, raw, and honest without fearing judgment or being silenced. Our mission is simple: to offer connection, support, and a sense of belonging to adoptees everywhere, which is sorely missing in the adoption conversation.
One of the initiatives I’m most proud of is Adoptee Remembrance Day (ARD), which takes place on October 30th. This day is not just for adoptees—it’s a day of remembrance for anyone who knows and loves an adoptee. ARD was created to bring awareness to the struggles that adoptees face, including separation and adoption trauma, suicide, mental health challenges, lack of access to birth records, and the overpopulation of adoptees in systems like the Troubled Teen Industry (TTI) and prisons, jails, treatment centers, and mental health facilities. It’s also a day to honor adoptees who have been neglected, abused, murdered, taken their own lives, those who were stolen and sold, and adoptees who were deported at no fault of their own. What makes ARD especially powerful is that it is now honored around the world as people come together to remember, reflect, and take action.
In 2023, I had the privilege of partnering with a fellow adoptee and close friend, Jeffrey Leventhal of S12F, to co-create the Adoptees for Awareness grant. This grant was born out of a deep need for support within our community. It serves as a lifeline for adoptee-centric organizations that are 100% adoptee-led, designed, and created to serve 100% adoptees. This grant program has been one of the most meaningful contributions I’ve been a part of in my lifetime. As of now, Jeffrey and I have given 18 grants to adoptee-centric organizations! Along with ARD and Adoptees Connect, Inc., these initiatives allow me to give back in ways that create real impact for adoptees who, like me, have felt overlooked, forgotten, or unsupported.
What sets Adoptees Connect, Inc. apart is that we are led by adoptees, for adoptees. Our focus is empowering adoptees to share their stories, heal in community, and be seen and heard. We aren’t just another support group—we are a lifeline for many, offering authentic, lasting connections and a place to belong.
In everything I do, I want adoptees to know they are not alone and that there is hope, healing, and community available to them. My story, while filled with immense pain and struggle, has also been one of transformation and purpose. Through Adoptees Connect, Inc., Adoptee Remembrance Day – October 30th, and the Adoptees for Awareness grant, I have been able to turn my pain into purpose, and I hope that these contributions continue to change lives and spark conversations that lead to greater understanding of the adoptee experience. To learn more about planting an Adoptees Connect group, please visit our website. Our groups are location-specific, meet monthly in person, and have groups scattered around the U.S. and beyond!
We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?
One of the biggest lessons I had to unlearn was my grievance toward adoptive parents. For a long time, I believed that I didn’t have the gift of communicating with them, that somehow we were on entirely different wavelengths. I would insert my thoughts and feelings into conversations where they simply weren’t received, and that left me feeling frustrated and misunderstood. Over time, I came to understand that it wasn’t that I couldn’t communicate—it was that I was offering my voice in places where there wasn’t a willingness to listen. This realization taught me something crucial: my voice and time are the most valuable things I have. I made a conscious decision to only share them with people who truly want to listen and learn.
Now, when I cross paths with adoptive parents who have that willingness, the experience can be magical. I went from holding a grudge to fostering understanding, and many adoptive parents have gone through a similar transformation. I’ve also come to realize that most adoptive parents were never given the proper tools or teachings on how to raise a child with such profound and difficult experiences. Like my birth mother, they were sold the dream of adoption, the promise that it would lead to a better life. But the truth is, adoption can’t promise a better life—only a different one. Now, I approach these conversations with grace and openness, trying to understand where they are coming from, and in return, many of them do the same. It’s a journey that has not only changed the way I see adoptive parents but has also helped heal parts of me that once felt so broken.
Are there any books, videos or other content that you feel have meaningfully impacted your thinking?
During another particularly dark season in my life, I found myself needing to create something that didn’t yet exist in the adoptee community—a way for adoptees and their loved ones to express the unspoken feelings and emotions tied to the adoption experience. This led to the creation of the True-To-Life Greeting Card Collection found at The Real Adoptea Moxie Emporium, which I poured my heart and soul into. These cards are designed explicitly for adoptees, adoptive parents, late discovery adoptees, DNA surprises, biological parents, and anyone who knows and loves an adoptee—relatives, allies, friends, and more. The collection became a life-saving tool for meaningful conversation, addressing the often silent elephant in the room: the complexities of adoption.
The categories reflect the many layers of the adoptee experience: Listening to Adoptees, Out of The Fog, Adoptee Holidays, Birthdays, Reunion, Grief & Loss, Search Angel, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and many others. I created these cards as a way to give people the language to express what’s often difficult to say, whether it’s celebrating a reunion, finding a grave, processing grief and loss, or acknowledging the significance of adoptee holidays and birthdays. These cards are about changing the narrative—about giving adoptees, their loved ones, and everyone in the adoption constellation a resource to spark conversations that matter. They are a way to break the silence surrounding adoption and encourage honest, heartfelt dialogue.
This collection is a first-of-its-kind and deeply personal for me to create. It represents a shift in how we talk about adoption—no longer hiding behind clichés or uncomfortable silences, but instead, offering a space for authentic connection and understanding. These cards, available at www.therealadopteamoxie.com, are a labor of love and a testament to the power of meaningful dialogue within the adoption community and beyond. One of the most exciting parts is that each card is 21% off using code “TWENTYONE” at checkout. Why 21? I was 21 years old when I found my birth mother. Through this collection, I hope to continue changing how we approach adoption, one conversation at a time.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.adopteesconnect.com
- Instagram: @adopteesconnect
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/adopteesconnectgroups
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/pamelakaranova/
- Other: www.therealadopteamoxie.com
www.adopteeremembranceday.com
www.pamelakaranova.com
https://substack.com/@pamelaakaranova
Image Credits
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