We were lucky to catch up with Natasha Mahtani recently and have shared our conversation below.

Natasha, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. Do you think your parents have had a meaningful impact on you and your journey?

Wow, this isn’t something I’ve thought about much but it’s such a great question. My parents are my biggest cheerleaders and there’s 3 things they’ve taught me that have really sat with me. 1) Question everything, don’t simply follow what society, people or the media tell you. Have a curious mind and be open to seeing things from different perspectives. 2) Follow your dreams and do what makes you happy. Life is for living, we’re here on earth for such a short time, make sure it’s a happy time. 3) You can do anything you set your mind to. My parents were very different in their beliefs but I’m grateful they always allowed my brother and I the freedom to choose how we wanted to show up in the world and to be true to ourselves. My mum worked with my dad at a time when most women around her didn’t work and she truly modelled what an equitable relationship should look like.

Natasha, before we move on to more of these sorts of questions, can you take some time to bring our readers up to speed on you and what you do?

I’m Natasha Mahtani and I’m a Relationship Coach, focused on empowering Women and Men of colour to break free from limiting cultural patterns of thinking that may be holding them back from experiencing fulfilling and healthy relationships. I help them gain the confidence, self-esteem, and self-awareness needed to guide them towards creating stronger and more authentic connections with their partners. I work with my clients to challenge gender roles, societal expectations, and cultural norms that have been ingrained into their psyche.

Having lived in Liberia, England, Nigeria, Ireland, India, Hong Kong and Taiwan, I understand the cultural nuances within relationships and more specifically, the limiting narratives and beliefs that surface in relationships across many cultures.

I’m an advocate for women empowerment and have had the honour of speaking at multiple events across Europe, North America and West Africa, as well as hosting and facilitating talks for the Young Presidents Organisation, Gaia Africa & Klick Africa. I’m routinely featured as a Relationship Expert in Stylist Magazine, The Sun, The Metro, Women’s Health UK and many other publications and have appeared as a guest on numerous podcasts in Europe and North America. Prior to coaching and public speaking, I was an award winning parenting blogger, an intercultural trainer at JP Morgan, a Global Mobility Consultant at Goldman Sachs and a teacher.

I have an undergraduate degree from Kings College, London and I’m a University College London postgraduate. I’m also trained in neurolinguistic programming, manifestation practices and have the ability to facilitate inner child work.

I’m an unapologetically unconventional soul, an avid podcast listener and a self-development junkie.

Can you share a story from your journey that illustrates your resilience?

I lay on my side, silent tears falling down my face with my 6 month old baby beside me and thought “If he just hit me, it would make things so much easier”.

You’d think that having a baby would have been the most joyous occasion, especially as my ex-husband, in stereotypical Indian fashion, really wanted a boy and that’s what I had. But it’s almost like there was a shift in mindset and he believed now I had a baby, I wouldn’t leave him, for fear of judgment and ridicule. You see, the idea of separation and divorce is still such a taboo amongst South Asians.

Modern day Indians still practice many archaic traditions with pomp and glory. But for me, the celebration of being a daughter-in-law ended soon after I became said daughter-in-law. In typical Indian fashion, my in-laws were quite controlling. The only difference between your stereotypical Indian mother-in-law that you see on TV shows and mine was that it was done so covertly, I had no idea of the depth of control until after my son was born.

My ex-husband was always pretty temperamental, but I’d gotten used to it. I learnt the dance, knew when he needed space and was able to get on board with his outbursts. And boy were there outbursts; but I put up with them and adjusted because that’s what I was taught to do. Indian girls are praised for enduring difficult mother-in-laws and controlling husbands.

After the birth of my son, the outbursts got worse. I’m certain he and his family believed I wouldn’t leave and he thought he had the right to raise his voice, give me the silent treatment or, without provocation, lambast me with names. I was surrounded by people yet felt so alone and was constantly walking on eggshells. No one tells you that emotional and verbal abuse can often shrink you until you don’t even know who you are anymore.

As I lay in my bed that night, I thought things would be easier if he hit me because then, in my mind, I could go home and people would understand. I speculated that there’d still be some people who’d think I should stay but most would understand and whilst many may feel bad, leaving him would somehow be justifiable. Thankfully, he never did strike. I tried to make it work, I wanted my son to grow up in a two-parent home, I didn’t want to be a single parent, but when I realised my cries were ignored and my many requests to make things work resulted in one sided compromises, I finally decided that I had no choice. For my own well-being as well as that of my baby, I had to leave.

I hit rock bottom and it was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made but I’ve never looked back.

Here’s what I have learnt. It’s important to be honest and open and have difficult conversations, especially with the generation above us. We must correct our parents when they comment on someone’s marriage, when they say something that puts a daughter-in-law down or when they themselves treat their daughter-in-laws and their daughters so differently. We must stand with women we know are having a tough time. People often don’t want to get involved in someone else’s marital affairs, but there are a myriad of ways you can show your support to a woman without actively getting involved. We must talk openly about divorce and women should know that should they need to get out, they will be welcomed with open arms. I have realised that women should start asking better questions before they get married. Dowry and the need for a woman’s parents to give a man’s parents “gifts” in the name of duty and respect should be abolished.

I’ve now made it my mission to support and empower women in relationships and divorce to know that they can and indeed will get through it and thrive. It’s been over 10 years since I left and I’ve never been happier.

What’s a lesson you had to unlearn and what’s the backstory?

I was raised in a South Asian society and one of the things I picked up was the need for girls to be good, quiet, obedient, followers, non confrontational, etc. Growing up with this belief led me to put myself at the bottom of the pile, even when my gut screamed at me, even when I knew I deserved more. I grew in to a people pleaser, afraid to put myself first and weary about making mistakes. This has been my life’s key unlearning. But it wasn’t easy realising this. After I got divorced, it took a few years of work and healing before I realised how my upbringing and beliefs I carried from my childhood were holding me back. I’m glad to say, today, I know my worth. I listen to my gut when it speaks to me, I follow my intuition and I’ve jumped off the ‘good girl’ pedestal. I respect myself enough to know that I matter.

Contact Info:

• Website: www.natashamahtani.com
• Instagram: www.instagram.com/natashamahtani
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/natasha-mahtani-37474a88/
• Twitter: www.twitter.com/natashacoaches

Image Credits
Sheena Sabharwal