Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Michelle Churchman. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Michelle, thanks for taking the time to share your stories with us today We’d love to hear about how you went about setting up your own practice and if you have any advice for professionals who might be considering starting their own?

I started this practice in the early days of the shutdown of COVID-19. This type of calling is hard to explain and for people to understand when you can network face-to-face. Without in-person options, I felt myself extremely handicapped. No one knows what a death doula is and trying to explain made me really work on my messaging.

I considered just going back to work several times in the first couple years. If I was single, I would have had to. But the Universe provided enough positive reinforcement to convince me to stick it out. A friend called when her boyfriend’s father went into the hospital. I met them and was able to help he and his mom understand what to expect and what next steps to take in case his health did not improve, and he was unable to come home. I remember on the car ride home after that meeting feeling an overwhelming feeling of contentedness and confidence and knowing this was what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know that at the same time, our friend was texting my spouse and telling him how much help I had been and how they believed I was answering my calling.

In just the past six months, I’ve met three different individuals considering being a death doula. I get messages frequently from people who are curious about how their lived experiences may relate to this “career” and asking about best certifications to take. More and more people feel themselves called to this field, and there are new certification and training classes popping up everywhere to meet the demand.

Ultimately, it does not matter what class you decide to take. I recommend researching and talking to someone from their directory about what they gained from the classes. My best advice is to consider taking a business class or getting a business coach before or during your certification. Learning how to be present and hold space is not a difficult thing to learn for most of us with a purpose and calling to this work. But few of us know how to run a business, network, market and be successful at it Business 101 should be a significant part of a program, not an after thought. You will probably not get rich doing this. And that is why many people decide to offer training for aspiring doulas to begin with.

Michelle, before we move on to more of these sorts of questions, can you take some time to bring our readers up to speed on you and what you do?

In 2018, I graduated with a Masters Degree. I had gone back to school to obtain the degree, because I love to learn, and, frankly, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life even though I was 48. After graduation, I gave my employer, an ophthalmology practice where I had worked for nearly 15 years, several weeks final notice so that I would be motivated to use that education and find a new career.

Instead, one week after I gave notice, my mother was diagnosed with glioblastoma, an incurable brain cancer. Since I did not have a job yet, I was with her through every surgery, doctor appointment, physical therapy, hospitalization, home hospice care and death 9 months after her diagnosis and her 67th birthday.

I’d never been part of a hospice experience. I had no clue what it would be like. Including that about 95% of the care for the dying person falls on the family of that person. We had a nurse who came a few times since Mom was in the last days of her life. We had a CNA a couple times a week. Our immediate family is small, but aunts, uncles and cousins are nearby geographically, and we are close to them all relationally. In addition, my parents had attended the same church for 40 some years and had close decades-long friendships.

I never felt overwhelmed or overburdened, but my mom was on hospice for seven days. Not everyone who dies is so well supported or dies so quickly. I thought to myself more than once in those quiet nights and early mornings sitting by her bedside how challenging the whole experience could have been if we weren’t a close family geographically or relationally, or if we only had our core four to care for her or if it had only been my dad trying to care for her alone. I wondered to myself how people handled it.

The day before my mom’s funeral, I ran into a neighbor who informed me her daughter in mortuary school was taking a certification to be a “death doula.” Neither she nor I had any idea what it was, but after researching it, I realized the Universe had heard my questions and pondering and placed it on my path and heart. I volunteered with a local hospice for a couple of months before finding a training certification program and getting started. It’s not been the most glamorous or financially rewarding career, but I’ve only had a few fleeting doubts about answering the call and finding my purpose.

I’ve been told that listening is my super power. It’s what I’m most proud of: listening and empowering people who are faced with struggles and fears and doubts and confusion. Giving people a voice and autonomy. Holding nonjudgemental space with someone exploring their mortality is an honor and blessing. Walking with people who are approaching death and exploring their mortality teaches me so much about the things that are important and meaningful and enriches me in so many ways.

In doing my own soul work surrounding my feelings and thoughts surrounding death, dying, loss and grief, I’ve come to realize my mom was afraid of dying. I regret that she did not feel comfortable enough with me or anyone in my family to talk about her fear, what she feared and what we might have done to make her less fearful. I do not want anyone to be afraid to talk about what their concerns, needs and desires are. I am here to honor them and their needs.

I do that through offering all types of advance care planning and legacy work, to providing caregiver respite and elder care assistance, dying vigils and after death support with logistics and grief support. I provide community and family education and advocacy. I strive in everything I offer to help each of us to be less scared and to have a bit more control over their end of life journeys. My mission is to help everyone in my community become more death competent and compassionate and to educate us how to care for one another in our homes and community again.

Training and knowledge matter of course, but beyond that what do you think matters most in terms of succeeding in your field?

We need to learn to listen to each other. I have always been a good listener, and that helped me to learn how to be present with people and meet them wherever they are. In today’s busy era where we gain status and define success by how much we do, we are not taught how to just be. When we receive a terminal illness, we have no choice but to “be” in our bodies, minds and spirits. It is often why the dying process is painful and scary. Few of us are good at knowing and being comfortable with ourselves. And once we have pulled out the rug of immortality from beneath ourselves, we fumble with learning more about who we were, who we wish we were or who we might could have been. We do not like to grapple with these existential questions, so we busy ourselves with doing, saying, helping, working, – with action not being.

For as bad a job we do simply existing and being present with ourselves, we are worse being present with others. We find silence threatening and awkward, so we fill silence with forced and faux curiosity or small talk. We sidestep uncomfortable conversations with fake platitudes and cheerfulness. “It’s ok..” “You’re a fighter.” “You can get through this.” “Look at it this way or the bright side or …”

We cannot abide pain and our human nature will encourage us to reach out to assist, fix, treat or cure, when these options are unattainable. At the end of one’s life, those who are dying need to be seen, heard, and witnessed. We need to learn to hold space for them to feel what they feel, to share those feelings without being judged or belittled or ignored or derailed.

To be a death doula, it is also important that you set aside whatever ideas you have about what a good death is. You may feel a call for this type of work, and you certainly need to feel that internal pull and calling to do it, but you have to be comfortable being completely in service to someone who may not look, think, feel the same way as you about a lot of things. Most of us have witnessed and held space for at least one loved one. We may have had hospice volunteer experience. We have this vision of what an ideal death is. We no doubt have planned our own as. much as humanly possible. If you are called to be a death doula, you are comfortable with death, you are educated about what it looks like and what to expect. We think we know what to expect, but every case is different. My first client had pancreatic cancer. He declined quickly, but ultimately still died unexpectedly of a heart attack. It was stressful and very traumatic for his family. We expected one thing, and it is not at all what we got. Be open minded. And adaptable.

What’s been the most effective strategy for growing your clientele?

This is really a challenge as a death doula. We don’t exactly get to count on return customers. I’ve only really just begun to feel I’m growing my client list in a way that serves me and my business well. I’m not sure if it was because I couldn’t do anything except social media when I started due to lockdown, but I got burnt out trying to post and be everywhere online. As soon as I could begin networking, I joined several networking groups and spent money on that I didn’t really have and abandoned social media.

I’ve learned now it’s all about a good mix of the two. I have learned to be more consistent and patient with social media, and I also have picked the two best mediums for my ideal client, Gen X women – Facebook and Pinterest. Until I can hire someone to create and post in more places for me consistently, this is where I spend my time and effort. I have a good number of followers and have made sales, and scheduled consults from both of them.

I also still network, but have narrowed my focus to healthcare, eldercare and estate attorneys primarily. I still attend large networking events when I am able, but spend my time more efficiently building relationships with these professionals.

And I just keep talking about it: at parties, to friends, family, in random Facebook groups if someone mentions anything at all that opens the door for the conversation of what I do and who I am. When I mention what I do to anyone, they almost always want to know more. It allows me to just educate people that I exist and that hiring a death doula is an option. After a few years, the ripples of influence from all those people are rippling back toward me.

Contact Info:

• Website: www.shojibridge.com
• Instagram: shoji_bridge
• Facebook: Michelle Kennedy Churchman

Image Credits
Jolea Brown