We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Melissa & Wayne LeSane a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Melissa & Wayne, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. Let’s kick things off with your mission – what is it and what’s the story behind why it’s your mission?

Melissa & Wayne have been non-monogamous since day one of their 20-year relationship. Married and living in Los Angeles with their 5 children & together, they are the Creator & Co-Creator of Shades of Non-Monogamy- a supportive resource for folks who are curious about, exploring, or actively navigating non-monogamy. Within the first half of our relationship, we went through a lot of growing pains while navigating our non-monogamy, including the struggle of unlearning monogamous conditioning, postpartum depression and other mental health challenges, deep seeded resentments for not honoring our personal boundaries, navigating and integrating personal and relational changes and new experiential territories in our non-monogamous relationship dynamic.

Easily accessible resources and community spaces for non-monogamous folks were significantly less existent 10-15 years ago, especially from and for other black and brown people. Social media was not abundant with other non-monogamous content like it is today. Therefore, not only was it difficult to find other non-monogamous models and communities, but it was equally difficult to find trusting quality non-monogamous guidance and support. Since there wasn’t much for us to lean on, we were pressured to figure things out on our own. This led us into our current roles of Love & Non-Monogamy Advocates and Support, and to the creation of Shades of Non-Monogamy: the non-monogamy community and support that we didn’t have during the early parts of our relationship.

As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your back background and context?

Shades of Non-Monogamy is a passionate advocate for LOVE & Non-Monogamy, and a dynamic transformative (virtual and in-person) space for folks seeking knowledge, exploration, community, and fun related to non-monogamy, intimacy, sex, and sexuality. Shades is also a curator of Non-Monogamous & BIPOC – centered community spaces, events and coaching experiences.

Their vision is for everyone to experience and keep pleasurable, joyful, and fulfilling relationships of ALL types, including with self, with others and in larger communities; encouraging emotional, relational and sexual freedom.

Shades is fueled by their values of: Vulnerability & Compassion- their constant work; Nuance & Creativity- how they like to explore and play; Love, Freedom & Pleasure- their purpose; and Community- their medium for connection.

Shades’ support and services are inspired by community needs and Melissa and Wayne’s personal and professional experiences. Melissa- Licensed Sex & Intimate Relationship Therapist who loves talking about emotions and emotional wellness practices and enjoys working with sensitive people and those seeking to (re)connect to spirituality in their own ways. Wayne- a Certified Relationship, Sex & Intimacy Coach who’s passionate about helping new partners identify and confront potential general and/or non-monogamy conflicts and challenges and helping men confront their personal struggles in supporting their partner’s desires. They both love to share their personal stories of the good, the bad and the common experiences of non-monogamy.

Can you share a story from your journey that illustrates your resilience?

There was a pivotal moment in our relationship when conflict between us about our non-monogamy was high, our energy to deal with our conflicts was low and we hit a wall on how to help ourselves and each other. At this point, we were feeling lost and hopeless and began to doubt and question ourselves and our desire for non-monogamy. Our own fears and insecurities felt too big so naturally we both went deep into survival mode; needing to protect ourselves and meanwhile feeling more disconnected from each other but also from ourselves. Finally, a decision to temporarily close our relationship led us to individually and collectively reflect on the much needed question: Do I/we want to be monogamous?

Once we were able to feel more emotionally stable, we had lots of serious hard conversations and eventually we both agreed that monogamy was not sustainable for either of us, that non-monogamy was our truth and that despite the challenges, we wanted to continue to find our way in non-monogamy. We committed to being vulnerable and true to ourselves, while also considerate and supportive of each other. We got clear on what we valued and worked creatively together to integrate safety/security/oneness and authenticity/adventure/autonomy. It’s easier said than done, but we’re proud to say we’re doing it!

We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?

Frankly, it’s been quite the challenge to evolve Shades of Non-Monogamy into a formal business entity and means for our income. Shades started out as a deeply personal passion project, to a potential means to making some small change while helping folks, to establishing Shades as the official go-to for Non-Monogamy with a serious mission and valuable services to our community. Establishing Shades as a business exposed our limiting beliefs about money; particularly making money, and doing as self-proclaimed helpers.

We carried beliefs like- money is evil, helpers should give and not ask for money, helpers should live a simple and modest lifestyle, people don’t want to pay for helping services, etc. These limiting beliefs were at the core of us devaluing our selves, our unique gifts and contributions and compensation for our work. We thrived creatively but struggled to do business and bring in any significant income.

We welcomed the inner work necessary to shift our beliefs and with a tremendous amount of support and positive constructive feedback, we’ve been working to establish solid valuable services for our BIPOC non-monogamous communities, while also owning our financial potential and hopefully inspiring to to others to pursue their hearts (especially our to our kids and future family generations.)

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.shadesofnonmonogamy.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shades_of_nonmonogamy/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shadesofnonmonogamy
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/shades-of-non-monogamy

Image Credits
Desmond Faison