…..However, the story doesn’t end there…because as we all know life continues on….I say unfortunately, not because, I don’t have huge blessings in my life, I do, but because in 2017 my daughter Lael Summer killed herself. After 13 years of struggling with depression, an eating disorder, and suicide ideation (she had attempted to kill herself a few times) (and yes, she also had many bright spots and lots of recovery along the way) she finally lost her battle with the Black Dog – Depression.

Major Depressive Disorder. MDD.

Please, if someone tells you they have it, understand that it is a very serious illness. It kills.

Despite all the blessings. Despite all the gifts.

As she herself said to me,

“Mom, I know I have a great family and wonderful friends, and blessing upon blessing, but mom I can’t do this, I can’t keep being pushed down into the darkness over and over again, only to be let out into the light for a little while, knowing it’s going to drag me back down into the darkness and drown me all over again. I’m a sick sick girl Mom.”

Yeah, she had it all – intelligence, beauty, talent (she had the most beautiful voice I ever heard and was an incredible singer/songwriter). She also had a gorgeous tender heart full of kindness and compassion, that was just too damn pained by the harshness of this world. She couldn’t beat it. At least not on that day, July 26, 2017. That day she succumbed. She was 24 years old, one month away from turning 25.

She jumped off the George Washington Bridge in NYC.

What can I say? It sucks. It’s heartbreaking. It’s devastating.

My worst fear, that she would kill herself (she had at least 2 previous suicide attempts), happened — I knew it might and it did. I learned the harsh truth that it doesn’t always work out. “Mom, I can’t promise you a happy ending” and yes it tore apart the very ground I walk upon as well as my son’s, her father’s and everyone else who loved her. I remember saying to myself a few days after she died, “I can feel every cell in my body being re-sculpted”. People would ask, “How are you doing?” I’d say “I’m walking. I’m talking.” People were afraid for me, that I might harm myself but honestly, I never ever, not even for a second wanted to die. I’m saying this because I’m in a lot of groups with mothers who lost children and many of them do say they want to die. Especially, if they lost their child to suicide. Even if they have other children, even if they have jobs they love, a spouse they adore, parents, friends, doesn’t matter, they lose their will to live. Most do continue on, thank G-d, but it is not an easy road. Not at all. But, as beaten as I was I knew that I wanted to live, that I still had my life and that it was my destiny to live it.. I kept hearing a voice inside say, “Its not my time, it’s not my destiny, I”m here for the long haul…..”

What can I say? I have a strong life force.

The day Lael died was the day La Mama Experimental Theatre Company agreed to produce our family memoir, “The Pill”. It was a play that me, Lael, my son, my father and mother all wrote together. A black comedy about our family’s struggles with dealing with an anorexic/depressed teenage daughter. A “Rashomon” of sorts where each character gets to give their perspective on a particular story that happened . It was the story that I mentioned earlier about taking Lael’s anti-depressant by accident which was the precursor to my ‘breakdown.” We started it at the end of 2015 when Lael was stable and everything seemed to be ‘on track.’

Every word in that play was written by someone in the family – by the pieces they each wrote about the incident (I asked each person to write what they remembered — each contributed — my son’s version was a teleplay, mine was a play, Lael’s was a memory piece, my father wrote an analysis and we interviewed my mom) , as well as writings from Lael’s journals when she was a teenager and very active in her eating disorder, and writings from my son when he was in elementary and middle school. It was pretty amazing and said a lot about the closeness of our family that they each did it – happily.

The fact that we were given the green light and found a producing theatre to do the show on the day she died (we got the good news earlier in the day, she died later – no connection) gave me purpose when she died and the PS in her suicide note was “Mom, Yanai, finish The Pill. Big things could happen.” So, yeah, I had a purpose, a mission – it was a great gift. I also put up the show I was working on at the time of her death, a post-truth fairy tale directed by Lisa Milinazzo, based on my album “Miracles~Lost & Found”. We were scheduled to perform it on August 5 at The Colony in Woodstock NY, but then she died so it was postponed. Actually, Tomás Doncker & The True Groove All-Stars took that date and performed up there and I went with them. I mean what else was I to do? I ended up performing that day — I did 2 of my songs. I remember seeing the mother of one of my bandmates and when she saw me she turned white and started crying. I guess she couldn’t believe that I was there just 10 days after my daughter died. I performed even earlier than that, possibly even before they found my daughter’s body at The Bowery Electric in NYC. Again, I did two songs. Again, what else was I supposed to do plus I felt safe being with the band. I remember a friend of mine came to that show, she loved my daughter so much, and after I performed my two songs we were speaking outside the club and she out of the blue fell to the floor. She fainted! I think others were feeling for us (me and my son) what we could not. Thank G-d for shock. It really helps in those early days.

Anyway, I decided to put up, “Miracles~Lost & Found” that December, a month before we were to start rehearsals and production of “The Pill”. I wanted to close out the year, 2017, (the last year that Lael would ever alive in this physical realm) with the message of this show, that we are all wandering souls, united in our grief, in our joy, and in our losses, and that it is up to us to find the miracle that is our time here together on this earth.

“I want to be alive with you.

I want to feel alive.

I want to be alive with you.

It’s the best thing we can do.”

When people ask me, “What type of music do you do?” I tell them “I do Marla Mase. I do Marla Mase really well.” That’s my mission – to be me, to accept me, to be unapologetically myself because hey that’s all I got; and hopefully if I do that then other people, particularly young people will have the courage to be who they are and not to believe all the confusing messages out there that to be who you are is not enough. That there is something else to strive for, to be and that you must fix who you are….Bullshit.

It is a hard time out there for young people.

I’ll leave it at that.

I want people to know that they are not alone.

Never alone. That there are billions of us out here.

That there is hope.

For me, it’s all about Connection – that’s why I do any of this – to be in a room with you somewhere in this world, Communing….even for a little while.

For me, that’s as good as it gets.