Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Mari Lee, LMFT, CSAT-S, MBATT-S. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.
Mari , thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. What’s the best advice you ever gave to a client? How did they benefit / what was the result? (Please note this response is for education/entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be construed as advice for the reader)
As a therapist specializing in Sex Addiction and Betrayal Trauma, I’ve had the privilege of working with countless individuals over nearly two decades. People who are hurting and don’t know where to turn to deal with and understand their feelings or the stressors in life, will sometimes employ various coping mechanisms to alleviate their emotional pain. Some individuals resort to drugs or alcohol, while others turn to food, shopping, or gambling to numb unresolved trauma. Still, there are those who seek solace by channeling their pain into uncontrolled sexual behaviors, or immersing themselves for hours in online pornography, all while their lives and relationships unravel, and their dreams and goals disappear.
When individuals grapple with sexually compulsive behaviors that harm themselves or keep hidden sexual secrets from those they love, they often carry an immense burden of fear, self loathing, depression, anxiety and shame. However, through focused therapy and counseling support, as they gradually uncover the underlying trauma driving their choices, and learn tools to heal and grow, and begin to take accountability and ownership, I’ve had the opportunity to witness the blossoming of self-awareness and newfound hope as they create lives and relationships they are proud of.
For the clients I work with who are in relationship with a sexually compulsive person, sometimes referred to as a “sex addict” discovering the betrayal, or series of betrayals, sometimes stemming back years or decades, is incredibly traumatic. Clients report feelings of shock, anger, sadness, hurt, rage, confusion and fear. They wonder if anything was ever “real” in the relationship as the secrets surface. Betrayal trauma is complex in that it impacts many areas of the person’s life such as work, education, parenting, spirituality, and their social life. Betrayed partners or spouses usually experience a profound negative impact on their mental and emotional health with increased anxiety and depression, and on their physical health, with symptoms ranging from stomach issues, to migraines, to insomnia. Many partners struggle with staying or going. Those who stay fear that they will be judged by others, or made a fool of, yet leaving feels impossible. Other betrayed partners share that they feel ashamed, “How did I not see this?” and have a hard time trusting anyone around them.
The good news is that with compassionate support and focused counseling, betrayed partners can find their way back to themselves, learn the difference between healthy boundaries vs. threats and ultimatums, and learn tools to allow for consequences while they keep themselves safe and heal the deep wound of betrayal trauma.
One thing I often share with clients is, “We don’t have to live in the past, but the past lives in us and influences the way we attach to others. The past impacts our choices, and effects our relationships. Unless and until we give ourselves a season to focus on self insight, healing the pain that binds us to the past, integrating trauma, and give ourselves the gift of healing and growth, the past will direct our present and future.”
There is always hope and healing after betrayal, and there is always a chance for any person dealing with addiction to create a new path. It can be very hard to take the first step, but it is so worth it.
Mari , love having you share your insights with us. Before we ask you more questions, maybe you can take a moment to introduce yourself to our readers who might have missed our earlier conversations?
Clients often ask why I chose sex addiction and betrayal trauma as my primary therapy specialization. Many years ago, I was going through my own healing process while in a relationship with a sexually addicted person. I know first hand the heartbreak and also the hope of healing through my personal journey all those years ago. As a result, my therapeutic focus and passion is working with individuals struggling with sex and porn addiction, betrayed and wounded spouses and partners, and couples whose hearts have been broken due to sexual betrayal and addiction.
As a therapist, I hold the hope as I support the healing and recovery of my courageous clients as they heal from addiction, trauma, betrayal, anxiety and anger, creating lives and relationships that are honest, authentic and rewarding. I truly believe that healing is possible no matter where you are in your journey. Seeking help is nothing to be ashamed of, and having the courage to reach out for support, no matter what the challenge, is something to feel proud of.
My other professional roles…
In addition to my clinical work, I speak and present nationally on the topic of addiction and betrayal trauma for organizations and conferences. I have also written several books as a support, “Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts”, “Healing from Betrayal”, and “The Creative Clinician: Exercises and Activities for Clients and Group Therapy”. My current book on mindfulness based therapy will be out in 2024. My books can be found on Amazon, or my website www.growthcounselingservices.com.
I hold several certifications beyond my Master’s Degree, including, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and Supervisor (CSAT-S), Certified Partners Trauma Therapist and Supervisor (CPTT-S), Certified Mindfulness Based Addiction and Trauma Therapist and Supervisor (MBATT-S), Certified Telehealth Therapist, and Certified Domestic Violence Therapist, and I am trained in Gottman’s Couples Therapy and EMDR.
Additionally, I teach on betrayal trauma and addiction for two organizations, and am on their respective ethics committees as well, “The International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals” (IITAP), and “The Mindfulness Academy for Addiction and Trauma Training” (TMAATT).
Finally, I provide consulting support, materials, and helpful information for other clinical professionals through my website, www.thecounselorscoach.com, and can be reached via email at [email protected]
For those who reside in California and are interested in seeking therapy, I can be reached via email at [email protected]
Let’s talk about resilience next – do you have a story you can share with us?
As a former foster care kid, I have always had a heart to help and encourage other hurting people. Like many people, there were many stepping stones in my journey, and some fairly big obstacles that I had to overcome such as abuse, poverty, a lack of family support, and feelings of insecurity and isolation. Focusing on the goals and challenges directly in front of me at any given time vs. overthinking or negative thinking has been incredibly helpful on my professional path.
Additionally, treating others with non-judgmental compassion, understanding that everyone has a story that is unique to them, and each person is struggling with seen and unseen challenges is important. I believe that extending kindness and respect to every individual I meet, no matter their position or status in the world is of upmost importance.
Putting training and knowledge aside, what else do you think really matters in terms of succeeding in your field?
I entered the filed of Psychology with rose colored glasses thinking that every mental health professional I would meet and interact with would be healthy, compassionate, professional and grounded. It did not take long for me to realize that no matter what field a person works in, including the field of mental health, there will always be what I call the “Negative Neillies”, the “Revolting Robs”, the “Judgmental Johns”, the “Envious Irmas”, and the “Gossiping Glendas” – colleagues who do not represent health or healing, and do not have your best interest in mind.
This was a difficult truth to learn, especially as a therapist who was new to the profession all of those years ago. However, it also gave me the opportunity to set more solid boundaries, to speak my truth, and to be more selective about the colleagues I surrounded myself with, and to speak up and advocate for myself and others.
My best advise for anyone interested in pursuing their degree as a therapist is to surround yourself with healthy professionals, supportive mentors, and colleagues who honor your boundaries, celebrate your successes, and those who are trustworthy and respectful.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.growthcounselingservices.com AND www.thecounselorscoach.com
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thecounselorscoach AND https://www.facebook.com/MariALeeTherapy/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mari-a-lee-lmft-csat-s-cptt-s-mbatt-s-a51a876/
- Other: Healing from Betrayal (Book): https://www.thecounselorscoach.com/healing-betrayal-e-book-partners-of-sex-addicts Facing Heartbreak (Book): https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Heartbreak-Recovery-Partners-Addicts/dp/098327133X