We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Lexx James a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Lexx, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. We’d love to hear about the best advice you’ve ever given to a client? (Please note this response is for education/entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be construed as advice for the reader)
The best advice I have ever given a client was something that I believed also transformed my life. There is a theory that I swear by from Carol Gilligan’s Theory of Morality. The crux of this theory states: Self-sacrifice never equals goodness.
Read that again. When working with a parent who was struggling on whether to leave their marriage and upend the family that they painstakingly put together I uttered these words. And this client went from drab to fab within a matter of weeks. Their mood changed, their attire changed, they were finally excited to live life, even though those around them were struggling with the changes. As it turns out they were never happy or fulfilled in their relationship and instead felt encumbered constantly. The monotony of parenting, the spousal duties, and family obligation had robbed them of who they felt they truly were meant to be. After realizing that this client was constantly sacrificing their happiness to be seen as a good parent, partner, and community member, they said no more. And were happier for it. They realized that they deserved the same respect that they give to others. I wish this lesson to be learned for every single person who is sacrificing themselves for the sake of ‘goodness’. To be a good parent, worker, child, spouse, church member, sibling, community servant, etc. Self sacrifice will never equal goodness.
As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your back background and context?
I’m Dr. Lexx Brown-James LMFT, CSE, CSES the premiere sexologist leading the field of sexuality with #shamefreesexed and innovative sex therapy skills. As an AASECT certified sexuality educator and supervisor, I provide education and therapy from womb-to-tomb through my practice, The Institute for Sexuality & Intimacy, LLC . As a multiple time Amazon best seller and creator of Dr. Lexx’s Relationship Tune Up Cards and The Black Girls’ Guide to Couple’s Intimacy, I am an international sexologist featured in Essence, The New York Times, Scary Mommy, NPR, multiple news outlets, Vice, Buzzfeed, multiple journal publications and academic books.
For me, therapy work helps people heal from relationship distance, intimacy challenges, depression, anxiety, grief, and trauma. My educational work teaches others about sex positive comprehensive sexuality from an intersectional lens. I break down the most complicated and taboo topics into easily digestible and actionable steps for change.
Combining therapy and education allows me to create a well rounded experience. Clients, learners, and professionals develop new applicable skills through our work together, whether that be in the therapy office, classroom, professional seminar or keynote.
Training and knowledge matter of course, but beyond that what do you think matters most in terms of succeeding in your field?
The field of sexuality is very small. As you can imagine it’s a niche field of study and research. Because of how specific our content and knowledge is, in order to succeed as a sexuality professional you have to network and build social capital. The value of relationships in this field is priceless. My relationships are a big part of why I am able to be a leader in the field. I’m the first Black woman to lead the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. That comes from social networking and gaining the trust of my colleagues. By making and maintaining positive relationships, I have been able to be on podcasts, have my books featured in top 10 lists, garnered sales, clients, teaching and television opportunities.
What do you think helped you build your reputation within your market?
Consistency. What and who you meet is exactly who you will get. I’m a Black, fat, pansexual, recovering Baptist from the south trapped in the north. I’m a parent. I’m married to the best lover for me and I listen to trap music. I’m the coolest nerd you will ever meet and that is who I am no matter where I am. The consistency in being who I am, where ever I am, has built my reputation as someone who is honest, compassionate, smart, and willing to listen. As a sexologist who is also a teacher and a therapist, these skills are tantamount to helping others. Additionally, because I am consistently who I say I am, others feel comfort in seeking support and help or referring their own friends and loved ones to my services. Consistency is key in being able to be recognized, found, booked, busy and referred.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.lexxsexdoc.com
- Instagram: www.instagram.com/lexxsexdoc
- Facebook: www.facebook.com/lexxsexdoc
- Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/lexxsexdoc
- Twitter: www.twitter.com/lexxsexdoc
- Other: tiktok: www.tiktok.com/lexxsexdoc