We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Kylie Mcmillan a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Kylie, appreciate you joining us today. Was there a moment in your career that meaningfully altered your trajectory? If so, we’d love to hear the backstory.
When I was twelve years old, I made a PowerPoint presentation for my mother about the potential career paths I was interested in: a writer, a lawyer, and a doctor. A little odd for a pre-teen to do unprompted, sure. But if you knew me growing up, it adds up. From as far back as I can remember, I’d always been an existential, inquisitive, and speculative little girl interested in life’s big questions: Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? What happens after we die? … You know, the typical thoughts that run through every child’s head.
Logically, I remember thinking, first things first: Who the heck am I? If I can figure out my purpose, my path, my role on this earth… maybe everything else falls into place. Maybe I feel less alone, maybe I feel more present and alive, maybe I feel worthy of love, worthy of being here, of taking up space. So, I set to work: writer, lawyer, or doctor? Decide. Set forth!
Writing has always lit me up in a way I can’t describe. It’s my natural state, my comfort zone, my escape. A storyteller is who I am in my bones. But little Kylie already knew about bills. Little Kylie had an extremely hard working, pragmatic, and industrious family. Both of my grandparents had started their own companies, and both of my parents were full-time, rise & grind, ‘put your head down and provide’ working folks. I heard constantly and consistently how hard it was out there in the real world, and I internalized that. I put writing on the back burner. Unrealistic and indulgent, I decided. A lawyer could work… but again, if you knew me, you’d know that, no. A lawyer could not work, actually. Confrontation is not my default language. Accommodating, agreeable… a peace-loving, kumbaya-singing, harmonious little hippie is more my vibe. So, rationally: Doctor it is. And with this goal in mind, I continued through middle school and high school.
In my senior year, it all came together (or so I thought at the time). One of my classes had me volunteering at a retirement home in the Memory Care Unit with the folks who had Alzheimer’s and Dementia. I fell in love with those residents. I saw a space for me with them. I could be of service here. Most of their family members had retreated, understandably finding it hard to connect with loved ones who no longer resembled who they’d come to know. I found it quite natural to fill that missing link of human connection. Inherently, I am a caregiver, a listening ear, the space between the notes. I had found my purpose, I wanted to help those who did not have the voice to help themselves. I wanted to be an advocate, a nurturer: a nurse. Straight away, I figured out all the necessary steps to make that new discovery, a reality. I went to college, got my double degree in Nursing and Humanities, passed the NCLEX, and became a Registered Nurse…all the while ignoring that small intuitive voice that said ‘hey, something’s not quite right. This isn’t quite you.’
Seven years, five different nursing jobs, my own personal health journey with chronic migraines and an autoimmune disorder, and a full-blown world-wide pandemic later, here we are: full circle moments are finally unfolding. Traditional, allopathic medicine is lacking in the United States, I had come to realize. I had become disillusioned and frustrated with the system of throwing pills and band aids at far deeper, and more layered and nuanced chronic health conditions. I could see that in every job I had, I was somehow failing my patients in one way or another. And the system was failing me, too. I was sick and I didn’t understand why. A piece of the puzzle was missing, and it was driving me mad. So, I dove down my own rabbit hole. I enrolled myself in The Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN) and spent a year studying bio-individuality, multi-dimensional health, and the importance of food and lifestyle as medicine. I then took it a step further and got my Master of Science in Clinical Herbal Medicine. I learned how to treat the whole person, I learned about the importance of energetics, mindset, movement, and plant-based natural solutions for healing. And through this knowledge and understanding, my company was born: Return to Source. My goal is to guide individuals toward realigning with their true selves and the natural world, helping uncover the root causes of health issues to foster holistic healing that nurtures the mind, body, and spirit. In essence, to shift from merely treating symptoms to supporting inner transformation.
In all honesty, my story and the story of this company is unfolding moment to moment in real time. Currently, I am working in home health, hospice, and end of life care. Just yesterday, I was in the home of one of my patients, someone new to me, for a twelve-hour shift. I arrived and went about doing my duties of nursing: nebulizer treatments, medication administration, foley catheter care, the works… but as the day went on, I noticed something beautiful was happening. Moments between one human and another. Connection. Understanding. Witnessing. Presence. ‘My patient’ became ‘my brother’ … ‘my father’… ‘my grandfather’… ‘my fellow conscious being inhabiting this unbelievable planet, we call earth’. We conversed about family, hobbies, love. There were moments of joy, of remembering. But he was also in pain. He expressed to me the fear he had for taking opioid narcotics – “I am scared to fall into them. I am scared they will take me, and I am not ready to go.” The fear of losing control, of the unknown. The fear of what happens after we die? The fear of leaving loved ones behind, of possibly losing love, losing connection? We don’t know. But what I did know in that moment, was that I understood him. I understood those fears and I understood those questions; I understood the struggle of letting go. And I struggled with it, too. I struggled to watch him in pain, knowing there was something I could do to relieve it, a comfort-care box in the corner of the room just waiting to be opened…. But then his wife came over and sat next to him, held his hand and we talked, and she said something I’ll never forget. She said, “as much as I want to trade places with him, I’d do anything for this man, I know it is my time to be merely observe, to walk alongside him, to realize this is his journey and I am so unbelievably lucky to have been a witness to all the beauty and at the same time all the pain and grief. It’s all a gift, even this.” – and what a gift it was for me to hear those words. And how precise a feeling. Whatever I do next in this life, whoever I have the privilege to help, I hope I remember these words and embody them all my life.
As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your back background and context?
My name is Kylie McMillan and I am a Holistic Registered Nurse, Integrative Health Coach, & Clinical Herbalist. My company ‘Return to Source’ is a nature-based wellness solutions service providing one-on-one health coaching to those interested in realigning with their true selves and the natural world, wanting to uncover the root causes of health issues and to foster holistic healing that nurtures the mind, body, and spirit. I specialize in addressing chronic stress-related disorders such as autoimmune conditions, IBS, hypertension, heart disease, migraines, diabetes, insomnia, hormonal imbalances, and anxiety. My goal is to provide tailored health plans to individuals based on recognizing the role of stuck energy in the body, shifting mindset practices, regulating the nervous system, and connecting with specific plant allies to support in nutritional deficiencies causing disease in the body.
We’d love to hear a story of resilience from your journey.
As a nurse and as a human being in general, a very prominent theme in my life so far has been failure, breakdown, and defeat. Bones are piled in the corner from all the times I’ve forced myself to crack and contort into places and spaces not built for me. Over and over, job after job, relationship after relationship, I’ve had to learn the lesson that while it can sometimes seem easier to fold yourself into a template that already exists, the reality is I do not fit in them for a reason. I’ve come to realize and reframe rejection into redirection and protection. I’ve learned that alchemy is my superpower, that taking the old and decaying and forming into something new is my purpose. I can physically feel stuck energy and I can dislodge it gently, break it free, transform it. Moment to moment, I am learning how to breathe through the discomfort of that, learning the process repeatedly. The mantra: fall into place, fall out of it… recognizing the dance time and time again. Nothing gold can stay. Everything is fleeting. Energy is in constant motion. It dances, it glides, you can’t catch it, or it dies. Don’t chase it, stay still and grounded and it comes to you.
Since moving back to Los Angeles three months ago, I have already tried and been redirected away from three different jobs. I’m meeting with the growth edges of my old self. I’m feeling too big for my old skin. The barriers and the limits I’ve place on myself to attempt to gain safety and love in this life feel impossibly restrictive. My soul is requesting…no, demanding, a leap of faith. And I am listening to the call.
We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?
By the time I was eight years old, I was already fed up with surface level interactions and “adult bullshit.” My grandfather was driving me to summer camp. He was rambling on about nothing. I hadn’t spoken the whole time, instead just staring out the window of his noisy tin can of a van. He didn’t seem to notice. He just kept on talking just to hear himself talk. This wasn’t an uncommon experience for me as a child. I was a pretty reserved little girl and often felt invisible, like a blank canvas folks liked to paint all over and then abandon a mess. In this particular moment, I had apparently had enough. I turned to him finally and said in an uncharacteristically firm tone, “listen, can we have a meaningful conversation?”
He looked at me like I was an alien and then laughed.
I’ve never lived that story down. My grandfather tells it to anyone who will listen. But I don’t mind, really. I think it encapsulates my authentic essence. That’s me – let’s cut to the chase. Let’s talk about what matters. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty.
I’ve never had time for small talk, I’m uncomfortable around more than six people because odds are you’re never going to be able to go deep in a noisy crowd of strangers, and I can smell inauthenticity and insecurity a mile away and avoid it like the plague. If I’m honest, I probably know those characteristics so well because I spent much of my teen and young adult life being both inauthentic and insecure. I learned to put on a mask because who wants an introspective, curious, hungry-for-answers, little detective around all the time? They don’t. Most people want to numb out, disassociate, and go along their merry way blissfully asleep to what’s actually occurring on this planet. In some ways, that’s a lot easier and I fully understand it.
But my eager thirst for the truth does not let me sleep. I am awake for better or for worse. And I’m never going to stop asking questions. And I have a lot of them.
My main question, one that has consistently nagged at me my entire life, through lines weaving in and out of every chapter I’ve had thus far, is this:
Why do we, as human beings, believe and operate fundamentally as if we are separate from nature? How have we become so drastically detached from our roots?
Dr. Zach Bush, a multi-disciplinary physician and educator on the microbiome, states it clearly when he says, “when you look at the definition of nature in the Oxford English Dictionary, it says that it is the entire firmament of Earth: minerals, plants, animals, everything except for humans or anything humans have created. We literally wrote humans and everything we’ve created out of nature.”
My company “Return to Source” is a response to this predicament, as well as a way to help guide the health journey of others. It is my journey down the road of beginning to ask the real and most fundamental of follow-up questions: How can we rewrite ourselves back into nature? Is it too late?
As AI and technology continues to exponentially dominate every crevice of our world, I believe the answer to this question is an imperative one to explore. It is time to switch the narrative from one of passive ignorance to one of active, disciplined, and mindful participation. I believe it is not only possible but essential.
As Dr. Bush again states, “If we want to change our actions, see humanity thrive, and see the planet thrive, we need to change our story. There is tremendous power in storytelling. Through story, comes deep understanding.”
Contact Info:
- Website: https://returntosourcewellness.com
- Instagram: @returntosourcewellness
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kylie-mcmillan-227b57317
Image Credits
Allison Zahigian – headshots
Lisa Gaviglio – logos