We recently connected with Kristal DeSantis and have shared our conversation below.

Kristal, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. What’s the best advice you ever gave to a client? How did they benefit / what was the result? (Please note this response is for education/entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be construed as advice for the reader)

One of the most impactful things that I share with my clients is that there are only two types of relationships in the world. All relationships are based on either function or connection. Function-based relationships are formed around mutual need: you need something from me, and I need something from you. These are the most common types of relationships, and they really make the world go around. However, in an intimate relationship, operating on function is never enough.

Connection based relationships are what we crave in life. They are what make us feel like we matter, like we belong. When I have shared this with clients, whether they are currently in a romantic relationship or not, it gives them the context to evaluate their relationships. Some people realize that they have neglected their emotional connection to their partner. And other people may realize that they do not have the skills to truly make or maintain a deep emotional connection. This is where I see people begin to see the benefit of therapy. Emotional intelligence is a skill that can be learned and practiced!

When people see that there is a gap between the relationships they have (maybe mostly function-based) and the relationships they want (connection-based), they can then be empowered to make the changes needed to gain those skills. I have seen hundreds of people’s lives change when they realize this simple truth. Connection trumps function every time. As social creatures, we will always crave connection in our lives. Happiness and fulfillment comes when you have the skills needed to create and maintain those relationships based on deep connection.

In order to have a relationship based on healthy emotional connection, there has to be safety in the relationship.. There are four essential skills that make up what it means to be healthy in a relationship. I call these the 4 S’s of safety. These are Stability, Self-Regulation, Self-Expression, and Self-Awareness. When I work on these skills with clients, they can see immediate benefits to their relationship and their ability to create and maintain emotional connections with people they love and care about. To sum up, my advice to clients is: When you have the skills to get and keep the relationships you want, your life changes in profound and amazing ways.

Awesome – so before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers.

I got into the field of Marriage and Family Therapy by going to therapy myself. I had gotten into my first serious adult relationship and realized – I didn’t know how to do healthy relationships! Thankfully, I found a great therapist who helped me learn about myself, and after that experience, I decided that I wanted to do the same thing for others. I went back to graduate school and graduated in 2014 with my Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.

My passion has been relationships since day one and so I focused on learning all the things that pertained to healthy relationships. I studied Gottman Marital Therapy, Emotionally Focused Couples’ Therapy, Premarital Counseling, Attachment Styles, and Sex Therapy. Another focus area of mine was working with veterans and first responders, so I also became certified as a Clinical Trauma Professional, and received EMDR training.

I am most proud of creating the STRONG Model of Relational Therapy which is a trauma-informed, attachment-based approach to couples’ therapy. It blends a skills-forward, structured approach with a somatic, trauma-informed base of safety and connection. I have had the opportunity to train other therapists in this model, and my book for men -STRONG: A Relationship Guide for the Modern Man is currently being prepared for publishing!

What I want people to know about me and my work is that I am passionate about making healthy relationships easier and more accessible to all. Being in a healthy relationship is not a stroke of luck, but it is something than can be deliberately created, nurtured, and enjoyed –when you have the right tools. My goal is to help bridge the skills gap! My hope is that everyone can enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships no matter what challenges and traumas they have faced in the past. Everyone deserves a loving, connected relationship!

Any stories or insights that might help us understand how you’ve built such a strong reputation?

I really love working with high conflict couples. This is a population that not many therapists have the training or desire to work with since they can be rather challenging. I also really enjoy working with men who are coming to therapy for the first time. Both of these niches have more demand than there are resources. I think specializing in these two populations from the beginning of my career has helped me build my reputation and practice. I get a lot of referrals from colleagues who have come to know me as someone who enjoys working with men and high-conflict couples.

Are there any books, videos or other content that you feel have meaningfully impacted your thinking?

Start With Why by Simon Sinek helps to ground me and my team in our purpose. The Five Second Rule by Mel Robbins helps us to prioritize when things feel overwhelming. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown continues to highlight the importance of humanity and connection in the work environment. Real Happiness at Work by Sharon Salzberg has some practical tips and exercises for bringing mindfulness into the workplace. Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff helps us all remember that self-compassion is the key to self-confidence without arrogance. Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky and Connie Burk helps us to remember to care for ourselves even as we care for others. Burnout by Amelia and Emily “Nagoski” helps us to recognize and address the signs of burnout and stop the stress cycle by incorporating self-care into the workplace.

Contact Info:

• Website: www.austinstrongrbc.com
• Instagram: @atxtherapist
• Facebook: www.facebook.com/strongloveatx
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristal-desantis/
• Twitter: @atxtherapist
• Other: I am launching a new website (www.strong.love) specifically focusing on helping men increase their relationship skills. This will coincide with the publication of my book STRONG: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man coming in Feb 2023.

Image Credits
Creatrix Photography, Unsplash