We were lucky to catch up with KELSEY GARNER recently and have shared our conversation below.
KELSEY, appreciate you joining us today. What’s the best advice you ever gave to a client? How did they benefit / what was the result? (Please note this response is for education/entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be construed as advice for the reader)
As a therapist, I’m not clinically trained to offer advice. My role , instead, is to offer my clients another perspective, or maybe even a consideration that lands outside of their typical way of thinking. I’ve been practicing as a mental health therapist since 2016, and through the years I’ve worked with many folks who come to me feeling exhausted. Whether it’s physical exhaustion from burnout, mental exhaustion from juggling too many roles, emotional exhaustion from draining relationships, or a values disconnect exhaustion from self-sacrificing to meet the needs of others before their own, I’ve learned most people are quite tired.
While I can always share the importance of healthy sleep hygiene and adequate rest, nothing seems to benefit my clients more than when I share with them this simple truth: “you are not responsible for making other people comfortable.”
People pleasing, perfectionism, and sociotropic behaviors are ones I see in my office often. These behaviors have developed over time as a means of survival. Our brilliant brains adapt as they take in information around us and determine what behaviors will help us either get what we want or need, or stay out of the way so we avoid getting hurt or disappointed. Of course, in adulthood especially, meeting the needs of others feels great. There is nothing inherently wrong with making people happy, and in fact, it’s often feels fulfilling because altruism creates an overall sense of belonging. Although, when we compromise our own sense of self to prioritize the needs of others, we lose the ability to embody things like our passions, contentment, and capacity to thrive.
The exhale that follows when I tell a client struggling with the points I’ve mentioned above is palpable. When they consider a world in which they can release the impossible mission of always pleasing others, they open the doors to finding fulfillment from their own values. They find rest in tending to the self; and when the self is content, others can then be served not from a place of desperation and performance-based acceptance, but rather a place of love and authenticity.
As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your back background and context?
I am a licensed clinical mental health counselor and certified yoga practitioner in Raleigh, North Carolina. I am also licensed in the states of South Carolina and Georgia to offer telehealth counseling services. I’m a deep feeler, lover of sarcasm, and mom to two littles. As an INFJ and Enneagram 6, I finds joy in meaningful relationships and cutting to the chase – no small talk, please.
I got into my line of work after pursuing psychology and pre-dentistry in college. After a summer internship at a dental practice, I learned I was the annoying person asking patients questions that they weren’t able to answer with a mouth full of dental instruments and cotton balls. I shifted gears my senior year of college at Wake Forest University and dove into Developmental and Health Psychology research. I was fascinated with a holistic approach to clinical health treatment through the lens of cognitive and behavioral psychology. I studied Clinical Mental Health Counseling at NC State University and worked in a college counseling center. I then branched off into private practice and expanded my therapeutic work into neuropsychology. My study of yoga overlapped with much of my beliefs and practices in my counseling office. I found mindfulness, meditation, and involving the body in the healing process were ways to successfully approach issues like trauma, dysregulation, and chronic stress.
My therapeutic approach is relational and integrative, with an emphasis on creating spaces of safety to enable embodiment and connection. I specialize in blending highly effective evidence-based strategies to work with clients through somatic and holistic healing processes. I am also a student of the Embodied Recovery Institute, which aims to build the bridge between traditional and somatic models of eating disorder treatment.
I am a believer in the power of coherence, which leads me to guide my clients through meaningful work to unify the mind, body, and spirit. In this harmonious state, I find my clients are more present and aware, and their bodies have access to function at an optimal level.
As a yoga instructor, I enjoy leading a variety of classes that incorporate breath work, mindful movement, and meditation. I am proud of my ability to adapt my work to fit the needs of my clients, whether it’s in my counseling office or in the yoga studio. I most often work with clients who are experiencing chronic states of stress and anxiety, a loss of sense of self, disordered eating and body image issues, depression, trauma processing and recovery, and life transitions.
I balance work with going on long bike rides, listening to audiobooks, dabbling in the culinary arts, hosting any and all kinds of parties, and deep breathing my way through the chaos of parenthood.
On and off the mat, my work is inspired by Sarahjoy Marsh, Dr. Brene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, Dr. Melody Moore, Dr. Linda Bacon, Dr. Stephen Porges, and Geneen Roth. Honorable mention to Blippi and Ms. Rachel.
Other than training/knowledge, what do you think is most helpful for succeeding in your field?
Your counselor should have a counselor. Your yoga instructor should be in the studio attending classes with you. To succeed in the field of wellness, the practitioner must practice what they preach.
I am grateful for my own therapist who allows me to hold space for my own clients. I could not do the work I do without investing the time and resources into finding the right space-holder for myself.
I also believe the somatic work I do through yoga and healing movement practices could not be beneficial if I did not tend to the needs of my own body. Our nervous systems co-regulate with others around us. We borrow each others’ nervous systems, so if I’m feeling tense and dysregulated going in to lead a counseling session or teach a yoga class, I’m doing others a disservice. Self-care is essential for healers. We cannot help others heal without first offering ourselves a gentle place to move through our own experiences.
If you could go back in time, do you think you would have chosen a different profession or specialty?
If I could go back, I think I would choose the same profession, but I would certainly have taken some classes in business management and marketing. Owning a private practice is not something that’s covered in graduate school for counseling. Much of my business development has been through trial and error. I’m thankful for the generosity of the community of mental health clinicians who are often more than willing to answer questions and provide supervision.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.kelseygarner.com/
- Instagram: @kelseygarnercounseling
- Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/kelseylgarner
- Other: https://yogainspiredraleigh.com/about/kelsey/
Image Credits
Emily Bennett Creative