We were lucky to catch up with Karen DeBonis recently and have shared our conversation below.

Karen, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. It’s always helpful to hear about times when someone’s had to take a risk – how did they think through the decision, why did they take the risk, and what ended up happening. We’d love to hear about a risk you’ve taken.

“How will readers judge me if I share my truth?” It’s a question all memoirists have to consider. Telling our stories is a risk we take.

When I began writing my memoir Growth: A Mother, her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived, my heart pounded at the thought of exposing my lifelong Achilles heel: people-pleasing.

When her child is faced with an unexplained or serious illness, most mothers demand answers and treatment, becoming fierce mama bears to protect her cubs. It’s not just a trope. Society expects it, and I’ve witnessed it in others.

I was not the mama bear my son had needed. When Matthew developed tics at age eight, when his grades tanked and he became spacey and immature, I politely expressed my concerns to his pediatrician. When she told me the changes were “normal,” I backed down. I dared not create a conflict. I didn’t know how to push back. I had never learned to stand up for myself and didn’t know how to speak up for Matthew.

Could I risk telling that story? Did I want others to know how I failed my child? Sharing my truth would give others the opportunity to avoid a similar path; was that motivation enough to bare my soul?

Yes.

When I mention people-pleasing at my book talks, heads nod. When I share the medical gaslighting I faced, heads shake in sadness and solidarity.

When I reveal that I finally pushed through my paralysis and walked through my fear to get my son diagnosed before it was too late, women find hope. They know that they, too, can overcome destructive patterns that hold them back.

I took a risk, and it completely changed the trajectory of my life. The personal growth I’ve achieved as a result made it a risk worth taking.

Karen, love having you share your insights with us. Before we ask you more questions, maybe you can take a moment to introduce yourself to our readers who might have missed our earlier conversations?

My entry into the world of writing was cliche: friends told me I should write a book. It was a preposterous idea. At 42, a working mother of two, I hadn’t written anything more creative than a resume since college. But the idea percolated. Could I? Should I? And what would the story be—that my 11-year-old son had a brain tumor?

As soon as I posed the question, I knew the answer. Matthew’s brain tumor wasn’t the story. The truth screaming to be told was that my people-pleasing had made me a weak advocate for my child.

For three years, I had kowtowed to the pediatrician who refused to acknowledge my concerns about Matthew’s cognitive, physical, and emotional deterioration. It was a classic case of medical gaslighting. And I was a willing participant. Even my husband was in denial, and I lacked the fortitude to tear off his blinders.

If I wrote a book, I might save another mother from a similar trajectory. By exposing my vulnerability, readers might see themselves in my story and take the opportunity to change, to evolve.

Had I stagnated in my fear, had Matthew not survived, I might have lacked the courage to write a book. But I had pushed through my fears. I had pushed the healthcare system to respond, resulting in a horrifying but hopeful diagnosis. The experience taught me more about myself than I ever imagined. My book, therefore, would be a story of personal growth.

Fast forward nearly 25 years. In May 2023, my memoir Growth: A Mother Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived was released by Apprentice House Press of Loyola University Maryland. My essays have appeared in the New York Times, HuffPost, Newsweek.com, Today.com, and others. I’ve taught live and virtual classes about recovering from people-pleasing and regularly give book talks and appear on podcasts. I even developed a package of book self-marketing resources and consulting I offer at a reasonable price.

The process of writing a book and bringing it to publishing fruition was arduous but not preposterous. My friends were right—I needed to write a book. The idea wasn’t the least bit cliche.

Have any books or other resources had a big impact on you?

I started writing my memoir Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived in the days of the internet infancy. It’s hard to imagine how one even accessed resources in those days. In 2016, writing became my full-time profession, although monetization was not my focus; getting my story into the world was. Resources seemed limitless. Here are a few I wished I’d known of earlier in my journey:

– JaneFriedman.com. Information and inexpensive online classes on the craft and business of writing.
– WritersintheStormBlog.com. Articles about every aspect of writing, from craft to websites to building a platform.
– AuthorsGuild.org. Membership provides access to contract reviews, legal advice, web hosting, marketing resources, and an active, knowledge community forum.

My favorite books on writing include:
– On Writing by Stephen King
– Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott
– Seven Drafts by Allison K. Williams

Can you tell us about a time you’ve had to pivot?

Both of my career pivots were launched by “parking lot prophecies.”

The first prophecy involved earthworms. It was a few years after my son Matthew, 11, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He was expected to “bounce back,” per the neurosurgeon, so after he recovered from surgery, Matthew returned to school and I returned to my position as an elementary school counselor and health educator. Little did I know then that “bounce back” would be more like a slow dribble. Matthew required an exorbitant amount of support to succeed in school—keeping track of textbooks and assignments, completing homework, remembering what day it was. As a full-time working mother of two (my son Stephen was six), I began to crack under the pressure. Endless sinus infections. Debilitating shoulder pain. Binge eating. Depression.

Walking into my school building one rainy spring morning, I noticed earthworms blanketing the parking lot. A completely unedited thought popped into my head: “Earthworms have it so good.” The slimy invertebrates had no obligations, after all, no stress, if you don’t count getting squashed by a tire or speared by a heel.

After questioning my sanity, I realized I’d had a wake-up call. If I was so burned out that eating and pooping dirt sounded like the good life, I needed a change.

At the end of the school year, I gave my notice. I needed to heal myself, and Matthew needed a full time mentor, tutor, and cheerleader. When I told him of my decision, he said, “Y’mean I’m gonna have the stay-at-mom I always wanted?”

I continued to work on the memoir I’d started about my difficult motherhood. Then life with a brain-injured child consumed me. Like an earthworm, my manuscript disappeared underground.

My second career pivot was prompted in 2016 by another parking lot prophecy. After I had mentored Matthew through high school and he left for college, I returned to work in 2008. I choose to apply my master’s degree in community health education in the workplace wellness and health promotion space.

For six years, I helped businesses create healthier workplaces and workforces, a stimulating position with purpose. It paid well, too, a first in my career. Halfway through this period, my longterm chronic illness kicked into overdrive. In time, the constant pain and interruptions made it difficult to do my job.

At one doctor’s appointment, I learned a new complication had developed. Stunned, I concluded that my only hope of recovery was to resign from work. I dragged myself into the elevator. To hide my tears, I donned my sunglasses. My dreams of greater financial security, of home improvements, of traveling with my husband, Michael, vanished.

Then I stepped into the parking lot and my skin warmed to the brilliant sunshine. A thought filled my head. “Karen, you are going to have a great life. You and Michael are going to have a great life.”

In that instant, I knew the universe had given me a gift—time to finish my memoir.

It wasn’t easy battling my chronic illness and writing my book, but I did. What felt initially like a devastating pivot took me in a direction that truly feels like my life’s purpose.

I’m now managing my health well, I’m 90% recovered from my complication, and my memoir Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived came out in May 2023.

What I learned from my pivots:
– Wisdom may strike anywhere, even in parking lots.
– Earthworms actually don’t have it so good, but I do.

Contact Info:

• Website: [email protected]
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karendeboniswriter/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/karen.debonis.3
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/karendebonis/
• Twitter: https://twitter.com/KarenDeBonis