We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Jenn Mott Redd. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Jenn below.
Jenn , thanks for taking the time to share your stories with us today Can you share a story about the kindest thing someone has done for you and why it mattered so much or was so meaningful to you?
In my life, kindness means everything to me, as I have been confronted with many excruciatingly painful obstacles to overcome – caused by sick, evil people. As a mere toddler I experienced horrific sexual trauma by an uncle – that my own favorite grandmother witnessed, and made me hide it under threat of her not loving me anymore. I was 4 years old. On top of that I experienced inappropriate and aggressive physical punishment as a child. Then bullied at school because I was “different.” However, my life’s experience with trauma had only just begun. I was raped yet again when I was 13 and 19 years old by being drugged by the same pedophiliac uncle. Following the rape at 13, I developed a drug and alcohol addiction, in the hopes of simply trying to feel normal, which started me on a troubling path. I even found myself attracted to abusers. My very first boyfriend at 18 was abusive as well. Then at 21 I was again drugged and raped by multiple gang members back to back in one fateful night at a party hanging out with my drug dealing friends. I became friends with criminals after running away from home and gravitating toward anyone who would accept me, including gangsters in the mob. In very stark contrast to the evangelical Christian country club atmosphere I grew up with, albeit with a dysfunctional family who had traumatized me, with the exceptions of some.
To make matters worse and exacerbate the pain, I married an abusive, compulsive lying, manipulative, cheating, highly critical, and narcissistic husband (later a felon for embezzlement from a children’s non-profit), in a desperate attempt to experience love and acceptance during intense loneliness. After 5 years of mental anguish and psychological torture. I finally divorced him. Being married to him was so terrifying that I used to take sleeping pills in the morning to stay asleep, just so I didn’t have to see him, face the world, or myself. When I met him I was heading to Seattle to be in an extremely difficult 5 year PhD Clinical Psychology program straight from undergraduate – a program more competitive than medical school. I was accepted into it after a 3 year period of sobriety and remission of symptoms, and by studying incredibly hard in college. But I began drinking again on our first date around my graduation time, ruining the stability and peace I had worked so hard to achieve. Due to my returned instability and flare up of PTSD symptoms being worsened by living with yet another abuser, along with heavy drinking and using, I got very, very sick – completely losing touch with reality. After listening to his urging for me to dropout, because he didn’t think I was good enough to graduate, I walked down Queen Anne Hill in Seattle to the school (SPU), and with great sadness, quit. It was my dream to help others with my story by being a Psychologist, but gave it up after years of hard work – all to earn a man’s approval and “keep the peace.” At that point I wanted to die. Later I may have gotten rid of him in the divorce, but was left with the massive weight of long term untreated pain and regret that continued to follow me wherever I went. It manifested itself as my own demons eating me alive through extreme mental illness and psychological torture, of which I never thought I would recover.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and several other serious psychological and social challenges that affected my sense of identity, ability to interact with the world around me, employment, social relationships. family, view of myself, and gave me a very chaotic inner world. I had absolutely no respect for myself and did destructive, horrible things that I normally would never do – all in order to help find relief for the pain. I was very self-destructive, and found myself also hurting people I cared about, even though I had no intention to – including my beautiful daughter Sadie, who with deep regret, had to be around a mother who couldn’t even take care of herself, much less a child. I daily feel great remorse for letting her down while being so sick. She is my priority now, and is the main reason I persevered and finally got help. She is the light and love that fills my heart, and enables me to never give up again. I was the patient at many psychiatric hospitals and rehabs, trying to get help, heal, and cope with the pain. It seemed that nothing worked. At one point I was on 8 different psychiatric medications. But still found no relief, they in fact made me much worse. The memories were so intensely troubling that my brain couldn’t process them, so I blocked out a lot of my childhood, and lost touch with reality for many years.
I had a few periods of success, like my straight A’s in college, being accepted to a doctoral program, and working as a top record breaking insurance agent, but intermittently dealt with total disability and demoralization. Those periods of slight reprieve were when I was sober and clean, and taking the right medication, and as prescribed. However, the fight often consumed me through relapse, to the point I could no longer see clearly enough to figure out why I couldn’t be successful in life, and why I felt that everyone and everything was against me. I am now clean and sober for almost 3 years now, and am finally experiencing victories, and making steps forward, and know who I truly am. All of this came after an attempt at suicide, loss of all my friends, total demoralization by desperate choices I made to feel accepted, not being there for my daughter, being fired from a grocery store and a horse farm. As a result of all of this, I was greatly humbled, saddened, and scared; I knew I needed to get help. I was rushed to the hospital following the overdose and stayed there for quite some time. It was there where I started to gain clarity about what I must do to turn my life around. I humbled myself and went to an AA meeting, accepted I had a problem, and decided to get help. I stopped drinking and drugs and began a spiritual life of my own understanding, and haven’t looked back. My life began to change drastically through a loving higher power, the selflessness, kindness, guidance, and sacrifice of amazing members in the AA program, a few family members, and new friends. They cared for me when no one else seemed to, and when I didn’t know how, or even wanted to care for myself. It was then that I began to find healing, more stability, freedom from my incessantly loud mind, and come a little closer to being in reality. Thus, I started to discover the true Me I had buried under many layers, and I began to find my way.
The healing really started when I not only found sobriety, but began practicing regular non-religious prayer, meditation, and mindfulness – utilizing the art of intention and manifestation. In addition, I finally started listening to others’ advice, rather than being so stubborn. It was in an AA meeting when I met my best friend, and now roommate, Drake, a fellow trauma survivor and sober buddy who taught me to believe in myself, have love and respect for myself, to leave the past behind, take action, no longer be victim, and truly start living. He has selflessly taught me how to live, how to function in society, experience growth, stay sober, and how to recover from a much aggrieved state of mind that might as well have been hell itself. It is through his generous kindness, tireless patience, hard earned wisdom, tender guidance, and love that I am alive and doing better than I ever have. He is the strongest, wisest person I know. I call him my “Gandalf,” as he has been a true wizard enabling me to have a new, magically beautiful life, and understanding of Self. I was like a pained tornado that never stopped, storming my way through life in a desperate attempt at survival – searching for happiness, inner peace, recovery, success, and not be haunted anymore. He remains my biggest confidant and supporter, besides my dear mother who faithfully cared for me even when I was terrible to her in my sickness and rebellion. She never gave up, and neither did he. I know I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for their incredibly profound kindness.
It was right before I met Drake that another person appeared out of nowhere to help me begin my music photography career. A well known musician in Charlotte, Von, messaged me. I had vaguely known him through social media, but never met him in person. He had seen my earlier attempts at music photography when I did it only as a hobby without charge. He complimented my work and gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe I wasn’t so bad of a person after all, and that perhaps I had talent; perhaps I had value. This time I was sober and wanted more than anything to be successful. I was living in extreme poverty on the verge of homelessness during that period. He was completely unaware of everything I was going through, but by some kind of divine providence, he had the idea somehow in his mind to reach out and encourage me to start doing music photography again, but this time as a full-time job with my own business. He literally gifted me a new DSLR camera and memory card to help me begin Jenn Mott Redd Photography, as those were items I couldn’t dream of affording, but were essential to the craft. He then invited me to one of his shows in order to photograph it and paid me. We would subsequently have many conversations that taught me the basics of running such a business. It was then that I began to try and believe in myself as being worth something. So I went to work with a vengeance, more hungry than ever, feeling as if this was my only hope for any kind of worthwhile future. So I took the risk and didn’t look for another job as I had failed miserably in any other attempt at employment due to disabilities. It was my last chance. So, however unsure I was of myself, I decided to start shooting live bands and artists as a career, and promoting their music with my photos. Later I even began to promote businesses with my photos to help them increase profits and client base. I have now been running my music photography and promotion business ever since. It has now been 1 year and 3 months, and it has been a surprisingly quick and successful venture, giving me a life that I never dreamed possible. Plus so many other doors of opportunity have opened as a result, providing me with even more a chance for success. There have been so many kind, selfless people have helped me get this far. Without them I know I wouldn’t be alive, much less run a photography and marketing business, and have a writing career.
The entire mission and main goal of my pursuits is not money or fame. But rather, and more importantly, the objective is to use my increasingly popular platform to help ease others’ suffering, especially trauma survivors, those with mental health disorders, and with any other symptomology that can ensue from deep pain of any sort. I still have to face my own demons daily, but now I know how to conquer them; silence them. So many amazing people have helped me along the way to get me where I am today, enabling me to not only still be alive, but also find freedom from fear, have peace in my heart and stillness in my brain, and the ability and desire to embrace the reality around me, no matter how difficult. I have at last discovered what it means to know and love yourself, to stay in the present – not linger in the past – or be anxious about the future. As well as how to use my creative abilities for the good of others, and have a successful multi-faceted career as an photographer, artist, music photojournalist, promoter, and writer/poet – dreams I’ve had since I was a child. There is so much more to the story that I cannot fit into this article, but I am writing a lengthy book about it all sharing how to be victorious over addiction, mental illness, and debilitating darkness. To the readers out there, I always will hold the door open to anyone who is hurting – to listen and try to help using what I have learned, transforming my own pain into something good – and hopefully helping to alleviate yours. Find me on social media and send me a message. I will always remain approachable to anyone needing someone to listen and help. I strongly believe you can overcome anything in this life, especially through the kindness of others, and that there is always hope to be found. Just don’t give up, and take care of yourself out there – there is light just around the corner, if you look hard enough and set your mind to it, I know you will find it.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://jennmottredd.zenfolio.com
- Instagram: @jennmottreddphotography – @jennmottredd – @jennmottreddwritings
- Facebook: Jenn Mott Redd / Jenn Mott Redd Art & Photography / Jenn Mott Redd Writings
Image Credits
By Jenn Mott Redd Photography