We were lucky to catch up with Gilly Kahn recently and have shared our conversation below.

Hi Gilly, thanks for joining us today. We’d love to hear stories from your time in school/training/etc.

I believe it’s really important to normalize perceived and actual failure. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my journey to being both a debut author and a psychologist, it’s that you need to fail repeatedly to succeed.

That doesn’t mean you should not try to make things easier for yourself in life. For example, I had to take the SAT/ACT 6 times to earn an average score that would (with a good amount of luck) get me into the University of Miami for college.

At the time, I did not know I had Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and if anyone would have proposed it, the people around me probably would have laughed in disbelief. Because outside of standardized testing, I was a good student. I was the smart girl–the one kids went to copy their homework off of. And I’m not just saying that to brag. If anything, it was the opposite. I struggled with saying no, which became somewhat of a problem.

I wonder what things would have been like if I got the additional time on standardized tests, school accommodations, and medication to manage my ADHD that I really needed. I bet–no–I KNOW things would have been so much easier. But I don’t know if my path would have changed much after that because (to say it eloquently) I have always been a stubborn m*therf*cker.

So with enough schmoozing by me (and my father), I ended up attending the University of Miami with a scholarship. I graduated as a double major in Psychology and Creative Writing with nearly a 4.0, and I earned several awards.

With my testing history, when I got another average score on the graduate entrance exam after taking it 3 times, I wasn’t surprised. What did surprise me, though, was not getting accepted into the University of Miami for their Clinical Psychology Ph.D. program (or to any Clinical Psychology Ph.D. program I applied to for that matter). It felt like a slap in the face because I worked so hard up until that point.

There is not a word that can fully describe the devastating feeling of failure, especially as a high-achieving neurodivergent woman coming from a minority, low-income background. I wasn’t going to settle. My brain set out this plan, and it was obnoxiously blown to smithereens.

I remember sitting with my mother-in-law and telling her, between bouts of tears, about me getting “rejected.” Here’s how she responded:

“Gilly, you can take several different paths to get to the same destination. If you want to be a psychologist, then make it happen. Maybe you didn’t get to take the path you thought you would take, but you can still get there.”

Sitting there, I had this visual of tree branches. I envisioned myself stopping at the end of one tree branch. And then another tree branch sprouted — an olive branch.

Another thing she said to me during that conversation was, “We plan and God laughs.”

Both of these lessons are ones I constantly share with my therapy clients. I did get into a Clinical Psychology Ph.D. program in the end. Was it the one I thought I would attend? Not at all. In fact, I remember smugly rejecting Nova Southeastern University (where I earned my Clinical Psychology Ph.D.) during my first round of applications. But we plan, and… (I’ll let you finish that sentence). And I ended up being very happy there.

We cannot control everything in life. There are things we can control and there are things we can’t. And maybe we can’t for a reason that is just unknown to us. And that’s okay.

I have experienced this type of situation on repeat on my professional journey. For example, while trying to get agented for my debut book proposal, one offer fell through for a pretty defeating reason. This felt horrible in the moment. But I later learned that experience would bring me to a literary agent I could not be happier with.

The gist is this: If you rely solely on fate, nothing may happen. If you rely too much on your carefully formulated plan, nothing may happen. Succeeding takes flexibility, ambition, and persistence. And it’s okay to laugh with God along the way, especially when we fail.

Awesome – so before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers.

I’m a clinical psychologist and a writer. When I am not blogging, writing articles, or working on my debut book (with the working title of Allow Me to Interrupt: A Psychologist Reveals the Emotional Truth Behind Women’s ADHD), I am seeing individual therapy clients. In therapy, I mostly see children and teens who are neurodivergent and/or who struggle with anxiety or depression. But I also love working with and see several adults, generally with a similar clinical background.

Before deciding to become a psychologist, as a young teen, I first wanted to be a writer. I grew up with my father and older brother after losing my mother to breast cancer at age 4. My mother was an artist. She painted and, like me, she loved writing.

My mother’s death really shaped me, both personally and professionally. I think she gifted me the creativity and zest of an artist. But as I grew older, a big part of me also wanted to help children who were suffering emotionally, because my childhood was challenging. I’m sorry if that sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.

The other thing is that, from a young age, whatever books I read and whatever stories I wrote had a big psychological element to them. So when I got to college and added Creative Writing as a second major to my Psychology major, it just made sense. I realized I don’t only need to be one person. I can be “Writer Gilly” while also embracing “Psychologist Gilly.” And, you know, that’s what makes me “Gilly.” No one is ever just one thing.

I see individual therapy clients in person in the Atlanta area (currently at Concierge Psychology in Buckhead), but I also see clients virtually both in and out of state (in PSYPACT participating states in the U.S.). I specialize in work with ADHD and autistic teens. The therapy modalities I lean into most often are Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), Social Skills Training (SST), and Organizational Skills Training (OST). I am certified in the Comprehensive Behavioral Intervention for Tics (CBIT) and also work with individuals with body-focused repetitive behaviors, including trichotillomania and excoriation disorder.

I was diagnosed with ADHD recently as an adult, and this drove me to decide to write my first book about ADHD in females. One thing I believe is so incredibly important is psychoeducation (educating yourself about psychological topics with the help of your mental health providers). While reviewing the work that is already out there and while recommending books to the parents I work with, I noticed there is a huge gap in the literature (and actually in the science too) about ADHD in females. Especially the emotion dysregulation piece of ADHD, which has been (I believe) unnecessarily intentionally excluded from the ADHD criteria.

My goal with my book is to bring more awareness to these issues in a relatable, understandable, and moving way. Right now, my book release is estimated to be in 2026. Until then, I will continue to write articles and blogs about ADHD (e.g., I currently blog for ADDitude Magazine). I love what I do, and truly believe it has been my calling because I have been down this path since I was about 14 years old.

I am now also a mother to two beautiful children. My daughter (Dina) is named after my mother. I am in my happy place when I am writing, seeing the progress and joy in my clients’ eyes, traveling the world, and spending time with my babies.

Are there any books, videos or other content that you feel have meaningfully impacted your thinking?

There are a few books that have really inspired me, but the one that speaks to me the most is Stephen King’s “On Writing.” Because Stephen King’s work was my introduction to creative writing, and to this day, I love the way he thinks and the way he writes.

I’m going to include some quotes from his book below and comment on them. I think this will give you a better idea as to why this particular work really resonates with me.

“Write with the door closed, rewrite with the door open.”

One challenge I’ve had to work through, as someone who is very blunt and who struggles to maintain a social filter, is to learn how to write or speak for others. This also shows up in my work as a psychologist. If I was 100% completely myself in my writing and in therapy, I would be shooting myself in the foot. Because not everyone is going to “get me” from the get-go. That doesn’t mean they won’t ever understand my perspective or “flair” though. I just need to give them a chance to get to know me and to be comfortable with whatever that looks like.

That’s exactly what Stephen King is saying in that quote. “Write with the door closed” means writing the first draft with a focus on being purely you. “Rewrite with the door open” means edit with the consideration of what others will understand and accept. This strategy is also crucial to therapy. You can be you at home, but when you are wearing your therapist hat, you need to “rewrite with the door open” and edit your demeanor and what you say so people feel comfortable to talk to you and so they feel understood and prioritized.

But just like with writing, in therapy, once people get to know you, you can start to reveal the real “you” because they will not need a translator for it. You gain a reputation as the warm, but also honest, therapist, who will not judge, but also push you to be the best person you can be. I believe both writing and therapy are a dance of letting go followed by exerting effort. Sometimes in writing you need to take a step back and absorb (information, other pieces of writing, your own physiological and emotional experiences) before you can leap back into creating.

Stephen King also writes about how he almost never knows what will happen in his stories until he gets there. I’m the same way with writing.

With whatever you do, it’s so important to understand how you work best. And, well, I get bored pretty easily. If I already had an entire story planned out for myself, I would get bored before reaching the end (or even the middle). Why not surprise yourself in art? Bring yourself along for the ride. Who knows what will happen? The truth is that if you can surprise yourself in your writing, you will probably also surprise your reader.

Here is one more quote he has in the book that I love:

“One of the really bad things you can do to your writing is to dress up the vocabulary, looking for long words because you’re maybe a little bit ashamed of your short ones. This is like dressing up a household pet in evening clothes. The pet is embarrassed and the person who committed this act of premeditated cuteness should be even more embarrassed.”

I definitely err on the side of short and sweet when it comes to anything. My stepbrother refers to “fluff” in relation to anything in life as the “green and orange melon in a fruit salad.” They are the water-absorbed fruit that take up a lot of space at the bottom of the bowl, and most people don’t go digging for them. The important stuff is on the surface. It is clear and succinct. I am like that in life and I am like that in my writing.

Do you think you’d choose a different profession or specialty if you were starting now?

In a heartbeat.

Like a lot of other neurodivergent folks, once I make a decision, it feels like it is etched in concrete. That’s probably why I take derailment pretty miserably. Sometimes I’m spontaneous, but for the most part, I like to really think through big decisions, and once I’ve decided, well, I’ve decided. It’s been that way in my career choices. It has also been that way in my relationships. I’ve been together with my husband since I was 17.

Of course there’s always going to be the thought of “What am I missing?” For example, I sometimes think about all the different potential paths I could have taken, the places I could have moved to, the way my life could have been different. But going down this rabbit hole, though interesting, can also be exasperating. It’s impossible for us to experience EVERYTHING in this life.

So with that in mind, I definitely would have gone down the same path. Writing and psychology are in my blood. It’s true that neurodivergent individuals develop specific intense interests. And I believe that as a society, it would serve us well to nurture those passions. As someone who is neurodivergent, when I am in love with a subject, I will, as Stephen King writes, “do it (whatever it is) until [my] fingers bleed or [my] eyes are ready to fall out of [my] head.” And it will feel amazing in the process.

It’s hard to explain to people who work just to make money. My self-care is my art, and my art is writing and learning more and more about why people think and act in the way that they do. I view human behavior as this amassed underground treasure that just goes on and on for centuries and generations. Humans are an endless Pandora’s Box. What is more thrilling, perplexing, and inspirational than that? My answer is…. well, nothing. Unless you also have a specific intense interest in a subject that is different. In that case, we are lucky to have you in this world. It needs you.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.drgillykahn.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drgillykahn/
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gilly-kahn-m-a-ph-d-1996892b4/
• Other: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/gilly-kahn-atlanta-ga/1273562

  https://www.additudemag.com/author/gilly-kahn-ph-d/

Image Credits

Paige Brigman of One Love Photography