If you have ever felt crushed on one hand, but sustained on the other, then my message is for you.
The mission I feel I have been given, is to understand crushing seasons. To be crushed, and broken is to be disassembled, and then reassembled. My Crushing seasons were my pivoting points in my journey. For every dream and secret wish I had of being better and becoming more was being birthed into reality. I was becoming everything I ever hoped for, and it hurt. I was being broken in- to my next season.

I am a 2-time stage 4 adeno carcinoma cancer survivor.  The first time, I would find out I could get up from a cancer bed, the second time, I was sure of it.  Cancer isn’t my first crushing season, but it is the one that I feel validated me, it gave me courage to share my thought process about surviving transitions without a college degree. That courage was fueled by fear, the fear that I may not live long enough to let the world know that I had something to say.

“But who needs a degree when you’re schoolin’ life!” -Beyonce Knowles Cater
I realized I didn’t need a degree to share my story in hopes of becoming a bridge for someone else; I just needed to be courageous. Deep down, I’m just a girl from Jersey still dreaming and believing that all things are possible. Nothing proved that more to me than getting up from Cancer, twice. The first time around I was full of fight and determination, I was determined to do more than just survive. The second time wasn’t so easy, I cried often at 3 am to hide my tears from my children. All the things that I believed to get up the first time now haunted me, was my survival a fluke? Was it all bullshit? My mind was flooded with reasons to give up, and for a while I entertained them because I was so tired. This was, once again, my fight, and at the end of the day I’m the one who must decide my reason why. I began to really focus inward to become the hero that I so desperately needed. In my story I am the underdog, and I must get up for the person I am to become. It is possible to win, I just need to follow my theory to do that, despite my thoughts. They are just thoughts, not a prison sentence, I don’t have to go the way they tell me, I have the power to redirect them. I needed to cross the bridge from where I was, to where I wanted to be, and in doing that my theory became my blueprint.

I learned that unlearning is a thing. I learned that somewhere along my timeline of life I made agreements with myself that I had to go back and fix. With deep introspection, I realized that I made an agreement with myself that said, staying in a damaging relationship was strength, and that leaving was giving up, I needed to make it work. Where did I make that agreement? Why did I make that agreement? Where did I learn that lie?
My mother was a single parent, she worked a lot, so I was what was called a “latchkey kid”, and I spent a lot of time alone.  Separating myself from a bad relationship was difficult, a bad relationship was better than loneliness. I would stay until I absolutely had to leave, forgiving sometimes, the unforgiveable. It took me a long time to realize that I suffered with abandonment issues, and that’s no knock on my mother, she did what she had to do as a single parent! I kept exploring my inner self until I got the answer that I needed, and once I understood my issue the path I needed to take became less painful. I still hurt incredibly, but I was able to make sense of the pain.

I am a 2-time cancer survivor, but strangely enough cancer didn’t steal my life, it revealed it. In the startling silence, is where I found my answers, and my reasons. I had the love of my family, and best friend. My mind, however, focused on the lack, I had been married for 22 years by the time I found the strength and courage to leave, and almost a year to the date, I had my first bout with Adeno Carcinoma. You better believe that romantic love was what I wanted, it wasn’t how I pictured my life should anything ever go wrong. I searched my mind for anything that would bring me relief, I thought of the things that I enjoyed the most, what brought me joy? I needed something to focus on that would be positive while I went through this process. I needed a project; I loved the process of creating. While healing from my surgery, the clearest picture of the perfect project came rushing to the forefront of my mind. “Me! I am the project”, with tears streaming down my face, I realized I’ve never worked on me, just for me, I could be a bad ass in my own eyes. I took a dive into myself to begin to address every issue and shortcoming, every insecurity and “ugly thing” about me. I started my first bucket list, and as I begin to write, I realized I had never done simple things like a roller coaster ride, a hot air balloon, walking through a field of lavender, and watching a movie at a look out spot with someone special.
I began a journey that I am still on, and more and more, I am falling in love with myself, something that prior to this, I didn’t know how to do. Every day I am encouraged by someone I admire, and I allow them to lead me, without resistance, into the hero I desire to become. I am an inspirational speaker and point of light, I have been crushed on every side for the fragrant oil of change. I am here to help you see that you are as light, and as heavy, as a revelation on a day you thought you had nothing left.