We recently connected with Emily Dunleavy and have shared our conversation below.

Alright, Emily thanks for taking the time to share your stories and insights with us today. Looking back at internships and apprenticeships can be interesting, because there is so much variety in people’s experiences – and often those experiences inform our own leadership style. Do you have an interesting story from that stage of your career that you can share with us?

Within my master’s program, I was required to gain 700 clinical hours through internships. During these hours, I began seeing clients for the first time. I was nervous, to be sure, but I was also thrilled to finally be doing what I had trained for over many years.
Before my very first session with my very first client, I met with my supervisor for a pep talk. My supervisor gave me very simple advice: sit with the client in their pain and stay in the room with their stories.
Taking a deep breath, I repeated my mantra: “Sit and stay,” and stepped into my first session.

It has been years since that first session, and still, these simple and profound words continue to echo in my mind. Many clients have never experienced someone fully present with them in their pain and sorrow. As their therapist, I get to be a compassionate witness to the deep heartache they have experienced—without trying to fix it. I seek to let my clients’ experiences and emotions, whatever they may be, take up all the space they deserve in the room.
In the midst of devastating stories and excruciating pain, I stay in the room with my clients. I remain present and connected with their stories. I do not look away from their tragedies or cringe at their regrets.
Each day, as I prepare for the joys and heartaches I hear as a therapist, I remind myself that the greatest gift I can give to my clients is to sit and stay. In doing so, I get to communicate to clients that, maybe for the first time, they are not alone in their pain, their stories are not too much for me, and no matter they have experienced, they are worthy of connection and compassion.

Awesome – so before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers.

I am a Mental Health Therapist, providing services to both individuals and couples. I specialize in relationships, sexual concerns, trauma recovery, anxiety, depression, crises, and grief/loss.

I decided to pursue a career as a therapist because I am utterly fascinated by relationships—both with others and with ourselves.
Relationships impact everything we do. Everything we know, we learned through some kind of relationship. Every meaningful life experience, every deepest pain, and every choice we make affects our relationships. While in school to become a therapist, I was taught that we are most hurt in relationships, but we are also most healed in relationships.
And to me, that is the foundation of why I do what I do. For many who have been deeply wounded in relationships, therapy provides both a space to grieve and a space to renew. Whether working with couples or individuals, I want my clients to be able to acknowledge the wounds they have experienced in relationships and also find deep, true healing while developing safe relationships.
I help my clients make sense of their stories and confusing behaviors, supporting them as they begin to cultivate self-compassion. I want each of my clients to experience holistic safety: safety within themselves, safety in their bodies, and safety with others.

The relationships I work with may involve family of origin, chosen family, partners, children, whole families, or even one’s relationship with themselves. When working with families or partners, I develop practical strategies to increase emotional safety and connection. Through simple exercises, handouts, and homework, progress becomes relevant and attainable. Couples and families also learn communication skills, gain insights into how family systems function, and take steps to address conflict.
I often work with clients seeking to heal attachment wounds and enjoy delving into attachment theory, which explores how early relationships shape current ones.

I am known for empowering my clients while validating their real pain, cheering them on as they make meaningful changes, and gently confronting self-sabotaging behaviors—often with a bit of humor. I aim to address not only outward behaviors but also the underlying reasons for them. We can know the right answers without them impacting our feelings or behaviors. I want my clients to understand truth intellectually and experience it in their bodies.

What’s a lesson you had to unlearn and what’s the backstory?

I have learned two important lessons that, quite honestly, changed my life. These two lessons are:

1. Productivity does not equal your value or worth.
2. Pushing through and denying emotions does not equal strength.

I learned at a young age to measure my value by how many tasks I accomplished on my to-do list or by how many people I could keep happy. And when I was unable to accomplish the tasks or manage everyone’s emotions, I would try to increase motivation by heaping a fair dose of shame and criticism on myself. If you’ve ever tried that, you know it feels horrible.
Because of this belief, I stayed remarkably busy in all seasons. My calendar was color-coordinated and completely full. I frequently experienced physical illness because I was chronically busy and unable to slow down. From the outside, I looked diligent and productive, but internally, I was fighting a battle to prove my worth and value. All the good, self-disciplined tasks I accomplished were driven by a sort of frantic fear—the fear that if I wasn’t constantly productive and performing, I would no longer be valuable or acceptable.

In addition to this, I subscribed to a certain idea of strength: one that involved tenacity, power, and above all, the ability to “push through.” I believed being strong meant being unaffected by anything, and that belief became a core value. To be impacted by something felt like failure. As you can probably guess, these two beliefs (always be busy and always be strong) created havoc in my life. While I was running as fast as I could to prove my value, I couldn’t recognize the terrible toll it was taking on my health and relationships. I equated strength with stoicism, which prevented me from acknowledging the unbearable levels of stress and anxiety I was experiencing. The belief that strength meant pushing through pain left me disembodied from my experiences and disconnected from reality. My body was screaming at me to stop and slow down, but I couldn’t listen, because I had to be “strong.”

Though these messages were deeply ingrained, through softness and gentleness, I was able to release myself from this heavy pressure. Through my own experience in therapy, I gradually slowed the mad dash of my life. Contrary to popular belief, this wasn’t achieved by trying harder but by offering rest to my poor, tired body. I created space for myself to exist without having to prove anything. I discovered that my worth and value came not from my actions but intrinsically from my existence as a human being. Value and dignity are my birthright, not an award to earn.

In a surprising turn of events, offering my body gentleness and margin has made me more productive. I have more energy as I operate from a place of wholeness and health, not frantic fear. I now get to choose what I will say yes to and what I will say no to, as I get to protect my energy.

Other than training/knowledge, what do you think is most helpful for succeeding in your field?

Without a doubt, hands down, and unequivocally, I believe the most important factor for success in the therapeutic field is having your own therapist.

As a therapist, I have my own therapist. When I tell people this, they often respond with, “Why do you need a therapist? Just look in the mirror!”
However, as convenient as that would be, it unfortunately doesn’t work. As someone who cares for others and sits with them in their pain, I need someone to do the same for me.

Many of us in helping professions pursued this career because of our own life experiences. And with that comes parts of our own story that may be messy, painful, or dysfunctional. It is absolutely crucial for success in the therapy world to work on ourselves. If there are parts of me or my story that I haven’t addressed or healed, they will continue to affect not only me but also my work with clients. It is an ethical principle for me, as a therapist, to work on my own healing. I can only take others as far as I’ve gone.

And if other therapists are anything like me, they might think, “Great, I’m a therapist—I can do this work on myself!” Which is such a nice idea. But unfortunately, it’s not reality. The most important and healing part of therapy is the relationship between you and the therapist. Being in the room with someone who is a compassionate witness to your pain is the most healing component of therapy. The human body is designed for human connection, and the act and art of healing cannot be done in isolation.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.havenhouse-counseling.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/havenhousecounseling/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61558472104320
• Other: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/emily-dunleavy-coppell-tx/1273158