We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Eileen Kielty a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Eileen, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. Can you open up about a risk you’ve taken – what it was like taking that risk, why you took the risk and how it turned out?
Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide
My biggest risk that I’ve taken over the years has been to trust myself. It might seem small to some and even impossible to others but I believe this is deemed a risk because it is a radical act to trust; it becomes a protest when that trust is extended to yourself.
Every time I have followed my intuition…that quiet whisper that affirms “because I can”, that asks “why not me?”, that knows “this is possible”…I have never experienced regret or resentment. Now, have I felt deep sadness or disappointment or confusion or fear? Yes. Have all of those situations resolved over time? Yes. Is it difficult when the world / society / our own friends and families (sometimes) tell us all the reasons why we can’t or shouldn’t? Absolutely.
Here are a couple snippets / condensed examples of trusting myself (specifically surrounding my career):
My senior year of high school I blew out both of my ankles 9 weeks apart. I was a competitive dancer and had just gotten into college (right before my first injury) for dance with a large academic scholarship. I ended up withdrawing from college the week I graduated high school after being told by a doctor that I would probably never dance again. He had suggested double ankle surgery, as I had torn all of the outside ligaments in both ankles (stating that it would have been better if I had shattered all of the bones), and said I’d probably still have to wrap my ankles during physical activity moving forward. I heard his words and could feel the anger in my body, a feeling of weight that wasn’t mine, and then could hear me saying to him, “yeah…no. My body is amazing and I’m going to figure this out.” He laughed a bit, I’m sure he was amused by what he’d probably characterize as teenage angst, but I could hear my body saying “we can do this, we can heal”.
It would take two years of physical therapy, reiki, reflexology, sports psychology (to work on my fear of jumping, as both injuries happened while landing), intense journaling and imagery focused meditation and vision boards. Any time I could feel my body constrict and the fear creep in, I acknowledged it, allowed it to exist and move through and recentered myself on how “we can do this, we can heal”.
I eventually started dancing again (without surgery) in styles I had never trained in to ensure I wouldn’t compare myself to what I “used to be able to do”. I re-applied to the same program, auditioned and got in. After a year of school, I got into a prestigious dance program in NYC for a Summer Intensive. I was a bit shocked but my body quietly knew…”why not me?” After I got back to school following that summer, I knew I needed to be in NYC. I was a bit older than my peers at that point and I felt a strong pull to make this decision. Despite professors, administrators and even family / friends, I finished out my Associate’s in Dance (summa cum laude) and auditioned for the year long program in NYC. I didn’t get in the first time but my body knew “this is possible”. I got in after my second audition.
I moved to NYC and entered the program. While I was there I had a huge pull towards working at a famous theater with a prestigious dance company during a tour of the building. My body said “I’m going to work here”…clear as day. There was a loud “how dare you!” energy that I met with a bit of a laugh…similar to that doctor. Then I took a breath and said “this is possible.” Two months later I met a choreographer who worked there in one of my technique classes. A phone call was made and I started my 5 year journey freelancing there.
From ages 18 to 28, I lived in Boston then NYC then Boston then NYC working back and forth between the two cities when I wasn’t living in the other one. My work has included arts management, fitness / wellness, teaching, choreographing, coaching, mentoring, directing, managing and performing; in companies, as a guest artist, co-collaborating work, originating shows, dancing, singing, acting, rehearsal directing, assisting…the list goes on. I finished my Bachelor’s in Psychology (magna cum laude) over the course of 7 years as I funded my own education and had to keep taking breaks due to finances. Countless certifications and trainings and workshops in movement, fitness, wellness, intimacy and relationships were also acquired over the years.
Because…”why not me?”
Then in August 2014 I got into a car accident. I was doing a short contract at a regional theater outside of Boston. It was opening weekend of the show and I was picking up a castmate from a nearby bus stop for our matinee performance. I had pulled over to the side of the road with my blinker and brake lights on and one of the ushers who was heading to work at the theater slammed into me from behind going 40 mph. Despite not hitting anything in front of me, my car frame moved 6 inches forward and was sitting on my back tires while it got pushed 25 feet forward. I was turned getting my bag off the front seat and the head rest hit the side of my face, my head touched my chest then flew back up. It was an hour before curtain and my partner and friends were in the audience. Clearly in shock, I pushed my car off the road, ran up the hill to the theater and did the show. Then again that night. Then four more times the next weekend. Because I didn’t have insurance, I didn’t go to the hospital. I would later find out that my car was a total loss, that I had clearly suffered a concussion and, after 4 MRIs that I had 3 bulging discs in my neck, bursitis and an impinged nerve in my shoulder, herniated L5 / S1, bulging L4 and nerve damage down the left side of my body.
It would take four years this time after doctors told me I would need back surgery and would probably not dance again. Physical therapy, talk therapy, energy work, massage, cupping, acupuncture, intense meditation, a lot of crying and pain medication (when it got too painful to breathe). I knew I could do it…”my body is amazing and I’m going to figure this out”. I worked tirelessly, letting the frustration and anger of feeling left behind in my career (especially as a dancer) as I watched peers book their second and third Broadway contracts while I built back my breath control to even sing properly to move through me. And then…that hope, that “feeling of trust” slowly started to fade. It was replaced with “because I could but can’t anymore”, “why me?” and “this feels impossible”. My body was in so much pain, she was tired and started to repeat “how dare I?”, “can we do this? Can we ever heal?”
It was my sister who reminded me. My sister who restored that feeling of trust. After years of working tirelessly to get strong again, get healthy again, get aligned again, my confidence in myself, my belief in myself, my trust in myself had been muted. I couldn’t hear that whisper anymore, it had shifted to a silent scream. When I shared that I didn’t think I could do it, that I was scared and older now and felt embarrassed to even try…she said, “if you can’t do it for you, do it for me. Dance for me. Sing for me. Because I could never do that. But you can.”
Her support shifted my energy and I got back into the industry in 2018. Just 8 months after that phone call, my sister would take her life. She had lost trust in herself too.
Just 9 months later the world would shut down due to the pandemic.
For the past 3 years, my entire focus has been on reconnecting to, strengthening, honoring and re-membering that whisper. That quiet inner knowing. The hope that lives in our possibilities, our essence, our beings. The risk is not in trusting myself again…the risk is in severing that connection again. Because our bodies always know – “we can do this, we can heal.”
Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers?
Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide
I am a queer, NYC-based artist who has spent most of my life asking the question, “why?” My curiosity for the underlying reason, motivation, drive, story, feeling or instinct behind a choice, decision or action has led me to search for countless resources throughout my life. As a lover of story-telling, community, learning and teaching, I have held positions of leadership and management across the arts, health and wellness, fitness and educational communities. As a believer in the power of the human body and spirit, I am committed to utilizing a combination of eastern and western practices for a holistic approach to health and wellness; including mindfulness techniques, meditation, energy work, intuitive channeling, somatic integration, embodiment practices, mental and physical therapeutic techniques and a strong connection to the spiritual side of the human experience.
As a dancer and performer, I do my best to listen to where my body wants to take me, how it wants to move and express itself and I enjoy playing with improvisation (aka intuitive movement) with prompts (a keyword or concept) when I am creating both for myself or with collaborative dancers and artists. As a highly intuitive clairsentient, I experience others’ emotions and feelings in my own body; oftentimes feeling anxiety or physical pain as a result of another’s worry, struggle, issue or fear. As an entrepreneur and freelancer, I have found ways to produce creative solutions for others through various skills sets I have developed over the years; from professional organizing to fitness mentoring to countless positions I have pitched / created for multiple organizations.
Most of my adult life has been spent searching for how I could combine and connect all of my transferable skills that I picked up through survival mode after being kicked out of the house at 18, suffering 2 (potentially) career-ending injuries and putting myself through school. I knew I wanted to utilize my love of psychology in conjunction with the arts as well as my love of health and fitness and performing. This path was not clear but I knew that my passion for connecting the dots, cultivating community and collaboration and using creativity to illuminate the tougher, darker or often hidden aspects of the human experience was my focus.
Then, on June 14th, 2019, my older and only sister took her own life. She was 37 years old. Katie (or Kiki or Sissy or Sister) was a doula, reiki master, massage therapist, shaman, medium, highly intuitive healer. A second mother to me and my twin soul; two sides of the same coin. We had agreed to do this work Earth-side together. She had been saving to buy land in the mountains in Portugal, where she was living at the time of her death, to open a healing center for women. This loss brought me to my knees. Hours before she was found, I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I turned to my partner and kept repeating that something was wrong…that I was dying. I wasn’t able to recognize in that moment that it was her. We were always incredibly connected and somatically intuitive; often calling each other to ask, “is that you or me?” when we were trying to place a feeling / emotion that was feeling extra intense.
I have since realized that I died that day too…
The version of me who existed on June 13th, 2019 was gone. Additionally, every resource and tool I had gathered over my life surrounding stress management, grief, loss, expression of self and trauma care was useless. It felt like I was using a kitchen spoon to do the work of an excavator, trying to apply a bandaid underwater or screaming with laryngitis. It was the devastation of this loss that illuminated the gaps in my own life; I had not included myself in the encouragement, support, love, grace and acceptance that I had willingly extended to others. The saying “be what you needed when you were younger” was a go to for me and I followed it whole-heartedly. But the reality was that – I needed me too.
Somewhere between my degrees in psychology and dance, my certifications in multiple fitness programs and integrative somatic trauma therapy, my 20+ years as a professional dancer and teaching artist, my 12+ years as a fitness professional and countless workshops and trainings surrounding movement, wellness, mental / emotional health and physiological / embodiment / somatic practices – I had intellectualized the process of being. I was barely even inhabiting my own body; I had dis-integrated. My knowledge was only residing in my brain, I was not actually applying / embodying my inner knowing (consistently). So when Sister died, the bubble burst. I was free falling. It was like my soul was shoved back into my body but within every dark corner, locked closet and broken space that had collected years of dusty anxiety-ridden chaos. All the areas of my life I had worked so hard to heal, to let go of, to forgive…they were all right there…waiting for me.
My sister was everyone’s safe space. A lover of life and babies and the ocean…the keeper of secrets and dreams…a witness to wonder and nuance. She would frequently cheer, “you’re doing it, Sissy!” when I was brave, when I followed through, when I took risks…when I trusted myself. When memorials poured in, the overwhelming sentiment was how much she was loved and cherished and looked to as a beacon for countless people. Many were confused about her death by suicide – “she was always smiling” “she was so happy” “she loved life so much”…many wondered how she couldn’t see her impact…she was so much to / for so many people.
The difficulty surrounding our inner work is that it’s just that…inner. Our bodies are incredible vessels that hold the universe within them and they collect and hold the stories, experiences, traumas and dreams of our ancestors even before we inhabit them. Our job is to “be ourselves” when we get here despite the incredible entanglement that is our humanity. Oftentimes, especially as female-identifying beings, we are conditioned to fear our own fire – our bodies become the graveyards of silenced rage, full of looping lies – “it’s not worth it” “I don’t have time” “it’s not good enough” “what if people stop liking me”…
Sister didn’t include herself in her own fierce love, in her own witnessing, in the dreams and possibilities she reserved for others – for people like me. Like a butterfly’s inability to see their own beautiful wings. She forgot how our ego gets louder as we heal. That our shadow works hard to cast doubt and pull us back into hiding. That her work here to remind others of their beauty and strength and divinity was also meant for her to receive too…that we have to invest our vision for the world into our own bodies…where the entire universe exists. When she left, I not only lost my best friend but my own sense of wonder and possibility. Despite all of the love that existed for her, she couldn’t feel it; it didn’t penetrate.
My life’s work has now become abundantly clear, birthed from the ashes…Kaia Evolutions is an integration of my life as a multi-hyphenate and a love letter to my sister. Kaia Evolutions seeks to support and promote the restoration of safety, intimacy and empowerment through movement, coaching and performance by providing resources, opportunities, outlets, content, collaborations and information to create space for healing. I have known what it feels like to be disempowered, disconnected and unsafe. I have also witnessed how that can change someone’s ability to truly see and safely be themselves. My vision is to create a hub where tough topics can be discussed, difficult conversations can be had, experiences can be shared and shadows can be brought into the light because we can’t do this alone. Although we each have our own individual experiences, our common thread, I believe, is our need for a sense of self, purpose and connection; the search for our individual meaning and how it connects us all.
I offer both virtual and in-person 1on1 and group coaching sessions as an Intuitive Movement Coach utilizing somatic integration and embodiment practices – for all bodies. I also collaborate with other artists / organizations to create moving memoirs and visceral vignettes that spotlight often stigmatized or taboo topics through movement – live or on film. I am an active auditioning performer and a guest teaching artist for various studios / projects.
Let’s re-member.
Together.
Current Offerings:
– H.O.P.E. Coaching – Healing Opportunities Processing Emotions to restore “a feeling of trust” (definition of hope) back in the body – my 1on1 offering (virtual / in-person)
-“What Moves Us” – intuitive movement group offering as a pop-up or requested (virtual / in-person)
-“Alchemized Embers” – intuitive movement group offering starting October 6th, 2022 (virtual)
For any additional information or inquiry, see my website where you can also schedule a FREE 30 min HOPEful chat to discuss working together.
Are there any resources you wish you knew about earlier in your creative journey?
I wish I had more access to the authentic, oftentimes ugly, stories of those who came before me. Speaking specifically about being a multi-hyphenate performer (dancer / singer / actor), the majority of performers that have been interviewed / featured for articles, shows, podcasts and books are those who have “made it”. They maybe had struggles over the years and questioned their place in the industry, got injured or even took an extended break, however, the majority of the resources that up and coming artists receive are first hand accounts of intense perseverance and resilience and that “big break” moment.
I wish there was more celebration and normalization of the ongoing process of BEING an artist. That there was less focus on the show that was booked or the tour that was cast or the role that was played but all of the in between. The intense highs and lows of making work that breaks your heart open and leaves you completely susceptible to criticism and jealousy. The joy that comes with hitting a goal and the immediate reality that it will be temporary. I wish I knew about all of the “side hustles” that many artists do quietly to pay their bills…the unnecessary shame that is entangled with our chosen career work not being “enough”, especially to support us financially. I wish I knew that there were others who felt like giving up every single day and were so tired of having to play the part of “happy” and “hopeful” without being able to express their fears or doubt; often seen as jaded or “hard to work with” when they were just being real.
Truly…I wish I had someone / an organization who openly expressed ALL of the layers of living a creative life. I have set out to help provide those said resources…sharing my creative journey and all of the in between that is sometimes ugly and always authentic.
Do you think there is something that non-creatives might struggle to understand about your journey as a creative? Maybe you can shed some light?
I think the fallacy is that there are “non-creatives” in the world. Every single person is creative. My creativity surrounds movement, coaching, performance, singing, dancing, acting, writing, choreographing, teaching, collaborating, community, connection, etc…someone else’s might be sculpting, building a business, telling a story or solving a problem. I believe the struggle to understand my creative journey lives in the space where we’ve been conditioned to think that we can’t pursue what we love. Those who choose to pursue their creativity as their chosen career are often labeled as not having a “real job” or are deemed “irresponsible” or even “selfish”.
Any struggle to understand my creative journey is wrapped in the lie that it’s not possible.
Many people have had a hard time understanding “how” I keep journeying as a professional creative…I would challenge them to ask themselves “why” they would identify as a “non-creative”. Because the how is not what I focus on…if I did, I wouldn’t be able to move at all. Instead, I return to my why every single day. What is my underlying why behind my work. I remind myself of that why and it fuels my ability to keep going. If you spend your life wondering about the how, the what ifs will take over and those what ifs are full of fear and deeply constricted. Lean into the why and allow it to widen the lens of what’s possible and create the space needed to feel the expansion of possibility.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.kaiaevolutions.com/
- Instagram: @ekielty
- Other: Additional Instagram – @kaia.evolutions
Image Credits
Jordan Eagle Photography