We recently connected with Diane Hullet and have shared our conversation below.
Diane , thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. Do you think your parents have had a meaningful impact on you and your journey?
There are so many things my parents did right! But I often think too, that they were a product of their times. I was raised in the 1970s and 80s, and it’s hard to believe it now, but those were decades when fear did not permeate everything from the nightly news to simply attending school. They were turbulent times, for sure, but my parents were able to raise us without the level of anxiety that runs through today’s world and today’s kids.
My brother and I were encouraged to try things, and we had a lot of both freedom and responsibility. We made mistakes. We were outside a lot. We were a family of do-ers, and this meant everything from driving tractors to learning how to tie knots, from having outdoor neighborhood corn roasts to making skateboard ramps. They also didn’t overtly compare the two of us, and so we got to be who we were. We were – and still are – really different people, and those differences weren’t discussed over dinner or used to compare and make us feel “less than” for being ourselves.
Another important thing they did, which has really played out in the work I do now, is that they were open in talking about death. It’s not that we chatted about it constantly – which my own kids might say I do a little too freely! – but they allowed death to be part of life from an early age. What I mean is: they took us to funerals, including sometimes an open casket; they let us know when a close or a distant relative had died; I saw them cry and grieve. They encouraged me to get guinea pigs and rabbits… which lived brief lives, and then I cried when they died, and together we buried them in the yard. In these small but significant ways, they shared that death was inevitable and sad, but not a frightening thing to avoid.
They also let me read anything I wanted to, and I did! Reading was my go-to activity, and they never said there was something I couldn’t read, so I read complicated stories and adult-level books from an early age, even if I didn’t always understand everything in them. Books are where I learned about tragedy, love, power, entanglements, and all that humans go through and endure, including death and terrible loss. My parents made space for rampant reading and honest conversations, and those things made a difference. But, this was before we carried computers in our pockets and had 24/7 news and entertainment… a different time.
I’ll add that my parents are both still alive. They are in their 80s, and in good health, which seems like a combination of genetics and sheer luck, for which I am wildly grateful. I feel like I got another chance to know them at a different stage, as my kids are now older, and I am older and there has been time to continue to learn from them. They are walking the line of “aging well” and doing it with grace. They have been proactive with this stage, such as moving to a one-story house before circumstances forced that kind of change. They are independent, yet know how to ask for help. So many people wait too long to make wise moves, or ask for help, and then it can be too late. I see firsthand how my parents have moved forward with the changes life brings, and they make choices in order to make each stage of life work on their terms.
Diane, before we move on to more of these sorts of questions, can you take some time to bring our readers up to speed on you and what you do?
For many people, talking about death can range from being somewhat uncomfortable to being completely taboo. Yet I find over and over again in my work as a death doula and mortality educator that such conversations make a huge difference for everyone involved.
For many years I have been a teacher in different arenas, including English at the middle school and high school levels and creative painting workshops with adults. As my own teenagers became more independent, I knew I wanted to work in the end-of-life field. But how? Become a hospice volunteer? Go back to school and get a Masters in Divinity? Maybe Social Work or Gerontology?
When a friend told me about a training she took with the Conscious Dying Institute, I knew immediately that was my next step. Six months later, I was certified as a Sacred Passage Doula and Conscious Dying Coach. I was trained to talk about death and dying, coach people one-on-one, guide people at the end of life, and work with families to offer support as a death doula.
Yet I was curious to learn more and to figure out how my personality and skills could best be used in this field. The next course offered through CDI was called Conscious Dying Educator. I realized that with my background in teaching and my affinity for facilitation, this could be an inspiring direction. After that class, Best Life Best Death was born.
Now I work in multiple ways with people who want to face their mortality directly. I host the weekly Best Life Best Death podcast, teach quarterly Best 3 Months courses, give presentations to all sorts of groups, and consult with individuals, couples and families. What my audiences and students have in common is curiosity about how reflecting on the end of their life can have a positive impact on how they live their life now.
Each week for the Best Life Best Death podcast I interview someone, ranging from hospice nurses and palliative care physicians to casket and urn creators; from pioneers in the science of Natural Organic Reduction (aka “human composting”) to documentary film directors and musicians; from Instagram influencers in the end-of-life field (yes, there is such a thing as a “death-fluencer”!) to New York Times best-selling authors. Through these conversations, I aim to share the message that it is possible to face mortality directly, educate ourselves about the end of life, and create a positive approach to death.
What started as a suggestion from my brother (“Hey you love to talk to people… you could have a great podcast!”) has turned into a core part of my business, philosophy, and message: conversations about death help us to understand what matters most in our life.
The main course I teach with groups over zoom is called Best 3 Months. These classes touch people’s hearts and minds and inspire them to take meaningful, personal action. In this multi-week course, participants imagine that they have only 90 days left to live. 90 days… 3 months… 13 Mondays. Most of us would say, “This is not a lot of time!” In the Best 3 Months course, the key question people ask themselves is: “How can I make these months the ‘best 3 months’ possible?”
Many people find that talking about death and dying and learning more about this “great unknown” is not as depressing as they might initially believe. It can be difficult at times, but it can also be a relief to talk about this taboo topic openly and with support. As well-known end-of-life educator and U.S. hospice pioneer Barbara Karnes is fond of saying: “Knowledge reduces fear.”
Best Life Best Death draws people of many ages and stages — sometimes young and healthy, sometimes elderly or dealing with a terminal illness, and everything in between. In my classes, presentations and podcast interviews, I see over and over again that having conversations about death can impact — for the better! — how we live.
[Say a little more about the “Best 3 Months” course. What does it entail exactly?]
Best 3 Months is a multi-week course, because meeting together over time allows people to digest and sink in to the information. The premise of the class is that we will die in 90 days, and on the first day of class I tell participants that date of “death.” Naming an actual day, and asking them to embody that real possibility, changes people’s sense of urgency.
We then explore the question, “How can we make these months the ‘best 3 months’ possible?” We discuss five aspects of our lives and deaths: the Physical body, our Spiritual beliefs, our Emotional lives, Practical after death care, and what we wish our Legacy to be. Through reflective questions, personal writing, discussions, videos, articles, and more, people take a deep dive into clarifying what matters most to them in these five arenas.
What sets the Best 3 Months course apart is that participants create personalized action steps for each area we discuss. By moving this work from the theoretical realm of “I should get to that someday,” and into the practical realm of “what action steps could I actually take before next week’s class and my upcoming date of death,” people make concrete progress towards what they would like to complete, change, or put into place.
I have seen this range from:
The obviously important…
-sharing passwords with a trusted loved one – critical to be able to open phones and computers
– completing advance directive paperwork – crucial for everyone in case of an accident
– finalizing wills and estate planning – key and surprisingly incomplete for many people
To preplanning for after death…
– making a list of friends to be contacted – whom adult children might not know
– learning about body disposition options and making a plan
– collecting materials to share at a memorial, such as music or poetry – ranging from putting a few important things in a folder to a full-blown ceremony planned out
– having conversations and putting in writing your wishes, to ease the burden and decision-making for loved ones at the time of loss
To the tending of relationships…
– reaching out to an estranged sibling
– creating a forgiveness ritual for something that needs more completion – such as writing a letter to a deceased parent and then ceremonially burning it
To the creatively satisfying…
– writing letters of gratitude and wishes to grandchildren
– completing photo books that have been put off for years
– finalizing a quilt or other creative project for a loved one
All of this work results in a new relationship with mortality. And participants find that rather than being depressing or difficult, for most people this course is liberating and invigorating! As one participant wrote after a Best 3 Months class: “In just the first week, I went from feeling anxious and unprepared to feeling excited and filled with possibility.”
On the Best Life Best Death podcast, I have conversations with all kinds of people, and I typically find them through articles, books, social media, and referrals from others. I think it’s fascinating that friends, family and fans have really jumped into supporting this angle of my work, and they constantly send me connections and links that might lead to possible guests. My mom just sent me an amazing connection through a Popular Mechanics article! Each person I invite to be on the podcast is somebody whose work I connect with, and I’m truly interested in. I think this shows in the questions I ask and the banter we have.
I began the podcast spontaneously, without much knowledge of what it would entail, and it has become a key creative outlet for this work, reaching thousands of listeners and providing mortality education far and wide. When I tell people who are just meeting me casually that I have a podcast, I think they expect it to be a few episodes of me chatting about something. When I tell them I have been doing it weekly since the summer 2021, and have world-renowned guests, they are quite surprised!
What’s a lesson you had to unlearn and what’s the backstory?
Starting my business, I had to unlearn the idea that I was too old or too non-techie to embrace new technology! I am proud of all the new skills I’ve had to learn through opening Best Life Best Death.
The funny thing is, I was an early user of personal computers, and in 1984 I actually had one of the first models of an Apple Macintosh computer, with a whopping 128K for memory. I credit my dad for this purchase, because he knew I was writing a lot as an English major in college, and he believed that this would be “the next big thing.” I had a hard time believing it, because at the time I hand-wrote papers and then typed final drafts on a typewriter!
My husband would tell you that my tech skills had not evolved a great deal from the mid-90s until I started Best Life Best Death. With its launch, I quickly learned everything for online teaching, including the features of zoom and turning materials into PDFs to share with students. Next I started the Best Life Best Death podcast with a simple platform called Anchor, after reading literally one article about how to do it. I had to figure out quickly how to edit through Garage Band, create social media posts, and upload everything. This is where having two teenagers and a tech-handy spouse, plus hiring a Virtual Assistant to create professional graphics and streamline the process, turned out to be crucial for business development!
How’d you build such a strong reputation within your market?
I think one thing people are craving these days is an authentic connection. I bring genuine curiosity to my conversations with each guest on my podcast and in my online classes.
For podcast guests, I do send questions ahead of time, but they are more of a general direction than a rote list that we work our way through. I think my authentic curiosity and attentive listening shows in the conversations we have. I want people to share their experience, expertise and history in a real way, and I want to engage with them directly.
Years ago, a friend said to me, “Geez, Diane, you could have a conversation with anyone, even if they were dead!” And of course I quipped, “So tell me, how did you die?” We both had a good laugh, but it’s funny how that joke has stayed with me as I’ve gone on to interview people who specialize in all things death and dying.
In terms of courses and presentations, I bring a lot of resources to the table, and I want people to engage at whatever depth and breadth they choose. I also bring humor and gentleness to a topic that can be terribly hard. I want to make space for the trauma and difficulty that surrounds death in our society, but for me that is not where I want people to land and remain. I want them to find ways to move forward, pragmatically and even creatively, as they engage with this tough and very real topic. That’s not easy for us “mere mortals,” but it is an authentic wish of mine and the vision that underlies my business.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://bestlifebestdeath.com
- Instagram: @bestlifebestdeath
- Facebook: @bestlifebestdeath
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/best-life-best-death
Image Credits
Photos by Ashlee Burke, The Love Joy Collective