Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Deneza Jadol. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Hi Deneza, thanks for joining us today. Can you talk to us about a project that’s meant a lot to you?

I am a first generation child of Filipino immigrants. My parents sacrificed so much for me to have the life that I have. I grew up without an Asian or Filipino community. I also was very disconnected from my parents and experienced a lot of trauma growing up as their youngest and only daughter. There’s such a disconnect between generations that as an adult, I can see how it seems nearly impossible for us to understand each other. It’s hard for our parents to even think of their immigration as trauma, and it’s difficult for us to understand why they’re so hard on us. But, they simply want us to have the things they never had. They worked so hard and gave up so much. They don’t want us to have to suffer as they did, and it translates into common traumatic upbringings among immigrant and first generation families.

My biggest challenge was my mental health. But, we weren’t allowed to talk about mental health. I know I’m not the only one who can relate. Since I wasn’t allowed therapy and had no friends who could relate, I wrote music. I wrote music designed to speak to my own inner child about her needs and dreams.

When I was 18, my family put a lot of pressure on me to become a nurse. I already knew I wanted to become a singer. I’d been singing my entire life and my family is mostly musical. My mom was a nurse and didn’t want me to suffer the way she did in the Philippines. As an 18 year old kid, I felt so much pressure. I carried the guilt of their sacrifice on my shoulders and I didn’t want to dishonor them. So, I went to nursing school. I absolutely hated it. It was one of the most depressing and excruciatingly discouraging periods of my life. I felt like I would never become a successful artist. I felt like I had no ability to choose or do whatever I wanted.

I eventually was ready to quit towards the end. But, my mom became very sick. On her death bed, all she wanted was for me to finish school. I was also almost done. I went through with it despite my own wishes – just for her. On the day of my graduation, she had trouble breathing. She was in the ER multiple times a week by that point. We rushed her back to the ER. I was already in my dress and heels. I had done her hair and makeup. I had already worked as an assistant there and even my colleagues were trying to rush me out – because they knew what day it was. As tragic of a day as it sounds – my family and I were so happy it was my graduation day. We didn’t care that we had to rush to the ER and back. We were gonna make it no matter what. We pulled up to the graduation last minute. My mama in the front row. On December 14th, 2017, she watched me graduate from that front row. And, on December 19th, 2017, she passed away.

It broke me. I have never been the same. I poured myself into my music. I had nothing else. I have music about grief. I have music about my fear of abandonment. I have music about being Filipino and not being allowed to have a mental illness. I have spent every day since looking for her in everything and everyone. She worked so hard for me to have what I have and it hurts that I can’t show her how far I have come. I am working so hard so break generational cycles of trauma, only for her to not be here. My mom carried so much pain and suffering of the many generations before her. Her shoulders were tired and it succumbed her to her illness. It breaks my heart. I have never been able to recover.

A few years after she passed away, there was a lot of pressure from my older brother and my dad to BE her. My mom was a typical Filipino mom. She did everything. The men in my family did not help while she provided and delivered. I never understood that as a child. Why are there gender roles? Why don’t people help her? Why do we glorify the suffering of our elders? Why do we brag about how much they don’t take care of themselves? Is this the kind of man I want to be with in the future? Do I want to be as obedient or as quiet? I am the complete opposite. My anger for her raised me to speak up and to command equality. My trauma and my history with my family motivated me to fight for change. They worked for that. Everyone in my family was pressuring me to take over and do everything without help from my brother and dad. Everyone. And I said what we should all learn to say: “No.” I thought someone would understand. But, no one did. Everyone in my family was telling me no. They have shunned me to this day. They even told me that if my mom were here, she would be disappointed. I felt so lost and alone.

Something told me that I was meant to do something else. Even if everyone was telling me no. I just felt like I was meant to break this cycle. And as creatives, we have an obligation to push and evolve culture with our artistry. Culture is meant to change. Generations are meant to grow. Even though I had no support at the time, I knew I had to keep going even if I was going to to do it alone. I just kept making music and cut ties with most of my family.

One day, I created my first single, “Daughter of Immigrants.” It’s about my obligations as a Filipino daughter of immigrants versus my obligations to myself. I wrote it wanting to remember that the best way to honor our parents is by honoring ourselves. I released it and it changed my life here in Chicago. I didn’t realize it would become what it became. I didn’t realize I could be known for making music on mental health of our community, the AAPI, the BIPOC, and the immigrant communities. I never imagined it could become what it is and I’m glad I endured so much, so that I could help others. I’m working on more music and taking my time, but telling my story has changed my life for the better. People still come up to me after shows, in tears, thanking me for sharing my story and writing that song. I have never felt so seen in all my life.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.

I am a Filipino first generation daughter of immigrants. My parents placed me in many music lessons growing up, and one day they made my try to sing. It’s like it found me.

I make music about mental health particularly regarding the AAPI, BIPOC, and immigrant communities. Sometimes, I get told not to specify these populations. However, these communities are underrepresented and just don’t have the same resources or privileges as others. It has always been my longing to represent and for young, little brown girls to see me and know that they can honor their parents by honoring themselves. I want to be what I needed when I was growing up.

Besides music, I am also a model. I love making art in other forms. Sometimes I crave making visual as it translates differently than music. I like to work for brands that are close to home especially. I got the opportunity to fly out to LA and model for Bago, a Filipino clothing brand that uses traditional textiles made ethically in the Philippines.

I want my followers to know that they can do whatever they want with their aspirations and their visions of the best version of themselves. I wish someone told me sooner. It took me until I was in my 20s to realize this.

What do you think is the goal or mission that drives your creative journey?

I just want to make the most of this life that my parents have given to me. I’m still learning how to do things for me, but I also don’t want to forget everything that they did for me to be here. They left the home and their family – everything they know. They came to a foreign country and barely spoke English. My heart hurts for them as I recognize that this is trauma in itself, having contributed to our misunderstandings growing up. I just want to make it easier for people who have similar stories.

I just want to make music about real things. Things that matters. Things that make a difference. Things that talk people off the ledge. Things that encourage people to keep going.

Learning and unlearning are both critical parts of growth – can you share a story of a time when you had to unlearn a lesson?

I had to unlearn my own natural trusting nature. I learned, don’t get too excited. Don’t trust anyone. Everyone could be a snake, in fact. Only a few could be your friends. Anyone could be out to get you. Everyone wants something from you. They either love you, or they hate you. They want to see you fall, or they’re there to watch you rise. They’re only there when you’re successful, and they leave when you fail. Everyone has a motive and recognizing the risk is important.

As a female artist, this became increasingly apparent. As a female artist, I feel people sometimes want things from me that have nothing to do with my artistry. I also feel I am not taken as seriously and I have to keep that in mind. I am a solo performer. I play guitar and I sing by myself. I don’t have a band or anything. Whenever I show up to a performance with a male friend or my partner, the assumption is always that my companion is playing the guitar for me or accompanying me. Some people even assume they’re the artist when I’m carrying my gear! I imagine this is an innocent mistake, but sometimes I wonder why people don’t think women stand alone.

I would have men contact me to come “record in their studio for free,” but there was no studio and they were not a producer. Many times. I have also wanted to work with several photographers and videographers, but they would burn the bridge when I wouldn’t do anything in return out of my professional realm.

I have also learned that people feel entitled to your time and energy and you have to protect it. And sometimes people will want to hangout with you because they think it’ll elevate their clout.

I learned to appreciate the real ones and stay hopeful for them. I learned to read people better and be more cautious. I have formed my circle of truly beautiful people and I couldn’t do this without them.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://open.spotify.com/artist/64AjUGI6V7WpXcAqMhFjWm
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/deneza_/?hl=en

Image Credits
# 1 2 3 & 6 – @CrisArezphoto #4 @Michaelgebhardt10 #5 @cesar_tacolover #7 #8 @kevinreodica