We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Deborah Weilnau. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Deborah below.

Deborah, thanks for taking the time to share your stories with us today We’d love to hear about a project that you’ve worked on that’s meant a lot to you.

The most meaningful project that I have ever worked on, is myself. I have been working on me since the beginning of my time but never really understood the basis of my genuine self, which emerged through the creation of my Master’s Thesis. “The Entrance of One’s Genuine Self.” This project was meaningful in helping me to understand the idea of. “You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it.”

By means of self-reflection along with the willingness to maintain an open mind that plays with perception and perspective shifts, I was able to delve into the idea of knowing and unknowing. This project changed not only my outlook on others in given situations, allowing for healing and forgiveness, which in turn gave me insight into who Deb really is.

A life that was based upon business, materialism and blaming others, due to learned fears or self-limiting beliefs. I was my own worst enemy, as a suicide survivor and victim, who embraced blame and overshadowed self involvement. My Master’s Thesis was the hardest paper that I have ever written, the mental, emotional and physical pain that forced me to see my genuine self.

I now know who Deb is and I appreciate the person that she is and who she is becoming. A woman that has dealt adversity and self harm yet, is still humble, kind and human. A woman that now embraces fear to help others through writing book chapters for charity, writing children’s books, speaking, and even standup comedy opportunities. Fear now propels me to greatness, instead of holding me hostage in the depth of my internal darkness.

As I write this, I am in Athens Greece spending time touring the country and having conversation and experiences that will add to my life and the lives of others. Next week, I fly to London to graduate from Middlesex University with a Master’s of Science in Transdiciplinary Practice. I will walk across the academic stage to realize the power of action and to walk into a new chapter of my life.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.

January 2019 I had started teaching at a local university during spring semester 2019, a career that forced me out of my comfort zone and would prepare me for public speaking and learning to have meaningful interactions with others.

In August 2019, I visited my Marketing Professor in Florida, after being laid-off from my job and failing the first semester of my PhD attempt in Communications. The professor and I spent hours talking and sharing the journeys we have been on up to that point in time. I shared with her my sexual orientation and how suicide has affected my life, in which both areas brought me shame. Sharing these two key components of my life, lifted a weight from my shoulders and allowed me to begin to heal, I shared my shame but unlike others, my professor didn’t run, she saw the good in me and helped me to find my value.

October 2019, the professor contacted me, she gave me an assignment to attend a speech being given at the University I was teaching, removing any ability for me to make an excuse. Kevin Hines spoke to our students about his bout with suicide, as he had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived to tell his story. I can still feel how guarded and standoffish I was, as I sat in the back row with my arms folded. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I too had a story, an interesting story that could help others dealing with suicide, be it a victim or a survivor.

May 2020. Eva, my tenant, hanged herself in my apartment building. A trigger that forced me to see suicide full circle, from the perspective of a victim and a survivor. An event that would open my eyes to the effects of suicide within a family. Conversations, with Eva’s loved ones, that would eventually lead me to the answers I have been searching for all my life. I will never forget the last conversation that I had with Eva’s aunt. The pain and dismay of loss, gave way to mental illness and selfishness. “Deb, Eva had attempted suicide before and she left a video but we still missed the signs. Our family lost a child just before Eva died, she said, and now, we are left to grieve the loss of both children.”

September 2020, I was enrolled in cohort 2 of a Doctoral Program. It took me an entire year to regain academic standing, after the founders of the program reneged on their deal regarding setting out of any programs for a year. I battled to take extra classes while teaching and working a full-time job. In the moment, it appeared to be a huge setback, but in actuality, it was a win. I met Dr. Kluse, a professor that was an actual practitioner in the Quality field. A professor that believed in me and helped me work through several trials and tribulations.

October 2020, I gave my first speech for the Doctoral Program that I was enrolled in. A Front Row Talk, a rendition of a TED Talk, entitled The Journey. This speech was built upon vulnerability, in which I shared things in my life that had held me in my shame. A huge breakthrough that helped me begin the healing process.

I met Robyn in this Doctoral Program. Robyn and I connected immediately and little did I know that she would be the catalyst in my life. Robyn introduced me to people and programs that would change my life in a major way. Robyn introduced me to Deana, the founder of “Scars to Stars,” a suicide prevention charity. This introduction would propel me to successes I never dreamed possible.

February 2022. I wrote a book chapter for Scars to Stars, a chapter entitled “The Pandemic and Suicide,” which helped me to lessen my shame and begin to look at suicide from a different perspective. I would go on to write 2 more chapters in additional Scars to Stars volumes and join the board of the nonprofit. With each chapter, I was slowly realizing that my perspective was indeed skewed.

June 2022. I accepted a job as a project manager with a quality risk assessment company. A job that would ask me to travel on a regular basis. This job would change my life in so many ways. Linda, my ex-boss and I worked for the same solar company years prior to her hiring me. We met briefly but really didn’t know each other all that well. Linda is also an important person that has brought growth, learning and change to my life. She constantly challenges me to step out of my comfort zone.

In December 2022, I made the conscience effort to follow my dreams, to become a speaker that shares the effects of suicide. I slowly implemented a support team to achieve my goals, a team that asked me to be honest with myself and to become vulnerable and willing to do the work necessary to reach this goal. My dream team began to take shape my writing mentor; my Speaking Coach; my therapist and my Somatic Coach.

March 2023. Paula, a friend, delivered a message of empowerment that resonated deeply: “You know you have control of your life, right? If you don’t like where you are or what you’re doing, you can change the outcome.” I hear her, unlike others who have told me the same thing. I actually hear her. A beautiful message that caused me to reflect in that very moment as to change my perspective and grant me the gift of freedom, an unknown expectation that I held for myself. In that moment, I realized that I no longer have to settle for what no longer serves me and that I deserve to be happy.

In May 2023 Linda and I took a 9-day road trip from Santa Fe New Mexico to Phoenix, Arizona. A trip that asked me to face my fears in a manner that would cause me to reflect upon my life. That trip presented me with several opportunities to get real with my emotions, feelings and fears. It also gave way to some beautiful moments of vulnerability. We were staying in an Airbnb in Sedona, Arizona and found ourselves engrossed in one of many deep conversations. Out of know where I share some heavy life moments with Linda, unplanned words sharing shame that had been stifling me and my progress. Linda’s response shocked me when she said, “Deb, whatever happened, it’s not your fault, you were supposed to be protected by those that hurt you. Forgive yourself, it’s not your fault.” Her words brought tears to my eyes, releasing years of pent-up guilt and shame. A truly blessed moment in my life.

December 2023. My Master’s Thesis. A first-person action research inquiry into Deb. “You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it,” encourages me to be silent, to be patient in that silence, so my heart’s soft subtle voice can be heard. A voice overshadowed by the hustle and bustle of overwhelming. The result of Deb running as hard and fast as she can to avoid self-reflection. Physically an adult, yet mentally an 8-year-old child. I uncover the truth behind the suicidal thoughts, actions and failures, in order to finally heal and enter my life as my genuine self.

An in-depth self-reflection that gave me insight into the chain of events that had happened in my life. The failed suicide attempts, toxic relationships, a revolving door of jobs, lack of honesty with myself and others while a lack of self-confidence created an incessant need to reach extreme levels of success, that once reached meant nothing. Can you say imposter syndrome.

December 2023 also led to the publication of my first, self-published, children’s book “Tinker’s Triumph,” An endeavor that had been a fleeting moment dream, that was encouraged by my aunt. I didn’t think I had the time or ability to make this story, written a while back, a reality. Now I am on the verge of launching my next children’s book entitled, “Eagles in Autumn.” Writing children’s books brings me such joy, as there is just something about seeing a child’s eyes sparkle when they turn the pages.

February 2024. I gave my first public speech entitled, “Self-Centered To Survive.” A speech that found life during a meeting with my Somatic Coach in which tears flow as my somatic coach helped me see the 8-year-old little girl suffering and wondering why she wanted to die yet wanted to live. Self-centered to survive, a concept that escaped me all of these years. that forced me out of my comfort zone through vulnerability. An open book into how my self-centeredness actually saved me in the darkest years of my life. A speech that encompassed the chapters that I had written for the Scars to Stars volumes, as well as other admissions of events that have helped to mold me into the person that I am becoming.

March 2024. I took the stage for my very first open mic performance. At first the nerves were real, however the adrenaline was at maximum capacity, propelling me to continue the pursuit of additional open mic opportunities, which in turn has helped me become a better speaker.

June 2024. I flew to Greece, by myself to spend time with my publisher. A working vacation that set several other children’s books into motion before flying to London to graduate with my second masters of science degree in Transdisciplinary Practice. What an amazing adventure that demanded my attention, as I step into another chapter of my life.

If you were to ask those who know my story, they will likely tell you that I am not the same person. A person that is not only a suicide survivor but a victim of suicide, with the loss of many colleagues, friends and acquaintances. My purpose in life is to communicate life’s lesson in many different mediums. It is important for people to know that our differences are important, they are blessings. We are perfect the way we are, that our imperfections are meant to be, It;s important to realize that other people project their fears, inadequacies, jealously, and procrastination upon us when we step out of our comfort zone. This happens because they have chosen to stay in inaction, to not test the bounds of their desires or abilities. When I listen to other peoples opinions or critique of me, I tend to doubt myself and turn inward. This leads to self-doubt and inaction, this is when fear steps in and I become stagnant and allow the fear to hold me in the darkness.

Now of these years.
I am seeing the importance of my life in other people’s lives. I am whole with wounds that are healing. I will have scars and still be fully alive and on purpose. Alive on purpose. The wounds are not the truth of who I am.

A realization that my self-centeredness, normally looked upon as negative, in this case was positive. Had I not been self-centered, this speech sharing this important message never would have happened. It is a testament to the power of embracing our wounds and finding strength in vulnerability and true identity.

Self-Centered to Survive – Speak Event Speech

I’ve been more committed to living from my wound than from thriving and my true self. Surrounded by and living in sexist, racist, and narcissistic environments, unaware of the damaging effects, post -traumatic stress filled experiences and moments. In reflection, I was, I believed, a scapegoat that deserved everything that was happening to me, because of my gender and rank, treatment which set the precedent for all personal and professional relationships.

I took an entire bottle of Tylenol, chasing it down with mountain dew. This should do the trick, I feel sleepy already, this time it will work, my hell is going to finally end. It won’t be long now, as I will quietly sleep away. I’m filled with fear of the unknown, yet excited for this life, this hell on earth, to end. Oh no, I feel like I am going to vomit. Why are these toxins leaving my body? No GOD, I don’t want to live, I want to die. Please just let it be over. I just keep vomiting; my stomach keeps churning and I am constantly vomiting. I want to die; I don’t want to live. Then it was over, I had vomited up the majority of the pills that I had consumed.

Someone once told me “If you wanted to die, you would have died. You’re doing this to get attention, for people to feel sorry for you.” Hearing this made me sad, it made me even more determined to kill the evil that was me. At that moment, I didn’t understand why I wanted to die nor why I was a failure at committing suicide. So, there would be many more attempts, leading to even more failed attempts. There are few things more depressing than failing at committing suicide.

May 2020. Eva, my tenant, hanged herself in my apartment building. A trigger that forced me to see suicide full circle, from the perspective of a victim and a survivor. An event that would open my eyes to the effects of suicide within a family. Conversations, with Eva’s loved ones, that would eventually lead me to the answers I have been searching for all my life. I will never forget the last conversation that I had with Eva’s aunt. The pain and dismay of loss, gave way to mental illness and selfishness. “Deb, Eva had attempted suicide before and she left a video but we still missed the signs. Our family lost a child just before Eva died, she said, and now, we are left to grieve the loss of both children.”

Then I read Eva’s last Facebook post, “Do not take your family for granted, call one another, be there, tell them how much you love them. Tomorrow is never promised. Pray hard for each other. I love my entire family with all of my heart.” Eva S.

February 2022. I wrote a book chapter for Scars to Stars, a chapter entitled “The Pandemic and Suicide,” which helped me to lessen my shame and begin to look at suicide from a different perspective. I would go on to write 2 more chapters in additional Scars to Stars volumes and join the board of the nonprofit. With each chapter, I was slowly realizing that my perspective was indeed skewed.

In December 2022, I made the conscience effort to follow my dreams, to become a speaker that shares the effects of suicide. I slowly implemented a support team to achieve my goals, a team that asked me to be honest with myself and to become vulnerable and willing to do the work necessary to reach this goal. My dream team began to take shape my writing mentor; my Speaking Coach; my therapist and my Somatic Coach.

December 2023. My Master’s Thesis. A first-person action research inquiry into Deb. “You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it,” encourages me to be silent, to be patient in that silence, so my heart’s soft subtle voice can be heard. A voice overshadowed by the hustle and bustle of overwhelming. The result of Deb running as hard and fast as she can to avoid self-reflection. Physically an adult, yet mentally an 8-year-old child. I uncover the truth behind the suicidal thoughts, actions and failures, in order to finally heal and enter my life as my genuine self.

An in-depth self-reflection that gave me insight into the chain of events that had happened in my life. The failed suicide attempts, toxic relationships, a revolving door of jobs, lack of honesty with myself and others while a lack of self-confidence created an incessant need to reach extreme levels of success, that once reached meant nothing. Can you say imposter syndrome.

I sought to fulfill the outcome of my own self-centered selfish ways, all the while seeking for help to live. I wanted someone to love me enough to save me. I expected others to read my mind, as I was certain that I was on their minds 24-7. I was self-centered enough to believe that everyone’s world revolved around me. Ignorant to the fact that everyone is going through their own trials and tribulations. I dare not share with anyone that I want to die, if I do then I will either be locked up or they will keep me from killing myself. I was going to therapy to save myself yet lying to myself and others so I could selfishly maintain control, I held all of the cards. A sick form of mental masturbation that stroked my EGO in a satisfying sick fashion.

Linda, my ex-boss, says, “Deb, whatever happened, it’s not your fault, you were supposed to be protected by those that hurt you. Forgive yourself, it’s not your fault.” Her words brought tears to my eyes, releasing years of pent-up guilt and shame.

Paula, a friend, delivered a message of empowerment that resonated deeply: “You know you have control of your life, right? If you don’t like where you are or what you’re doing, you can change the outcome.” I hear her, unlike others who have told me the same thing. I actually hear her. A beautiful message that caused me to reflect in that very moment as to change my perspective and grant me the gift of freedom, an unknown expectation that I held for myself. In that moment, I realized that I no longer have to settle for what no longer serves me and that I deserve to be happy.

Tears flow as my somatic coach helped me see the 8-year-old little girl suffering and wondering why she wanted to die yet wanted to live. Self-centered to survive, a concept that escaped me all of these years.

I am seeing the importance of my life in other people’s lives. I am whole with wounds that are healing. I will have scars and still be fully alive and on purpose. Alive on purpose. The wounds are not the truth of who I am.

A realization that my self-centeredness, normally looked upon as negative, in this case was positive. Had I not been self-centered, this speech sharing this important message never would have happened. It is a testament to the power of embracing our wounds and finding strength in vulnerability and true identity! Thank you

We’d love to hear a story of resilience from your journey.

Blessings Within A Moment

OPPORTUNITIES SURROUND US EACH AND EVERY DAY… Decisions that ask us to step out of our comfort zone. Moments that ask us if we are willing to Face Everything And Rise, or Forget Everything And Run. Times filled with discomfort, unknowns that may require us to change, stretching us in ways we never would have imagined.

Even though not all risks come with rewards, they grant us experiences that contain a wide range of perspectives. Some come as lessons that need to be learned, and they keep coming back around, again and again, until we finally decide to open our eyes, our hearts, and our minds. For me, until something hits my doorstep or affects someone within my inner circle, I usually don’t exert energy to help alleviate the situation. It’s easier to stay on the fringe, on the outside looking in, judging and even spewing unsolicited advice without knowing what the other person is going through.

We listen to respond, but we tend to avoid listening to understand. We let our emotions run wild, expounding on things we have not experienced, because we believe we can do it better. How often have you heard someone say they would not allow themselves to become a battered woman? She would not fall into the trap of a narcissist. How many times have you had conversations with friends who have no children, yet know how to handle parenting situations better than those who do have children?

I never thought in a million years that I would ever allow myself to enter into or remain in a long-term verbally abusive relationship… and yet I did. I became unrecognizable. Mentally and physically, I was a mess. I remember the day she kicked me out. I was still begging my abuser to stay, touting that I would change, I would bend, I would, I would, I would… What I didn’t realize was that her selfishness and infatuation with her new muse gave me the greatest gifts of all.

Jane wanted me out of the house, so she pushed me to obtain my undergraduate degree in Business Administration, while she secured her newest prize. She told me I didn’t make enough money and that I brought little value to our relationship, when in actuality, I was carrying 90 percent of the load. She then complained that we were together too much. It was a winning proposition for her. She would know where I was and who I was with, and she could play as much as she desired. Her selfishness actually gave me the opportunity to get my degree and earn the pay increase I would need to support myself.

During the last semester of my senior year, I was working with a group to prepare and present our capstone project. Jane began to make insinuating remarks to family and friends that I was cheating on her with someone from my class, this way I would be the “Reason Why.” In hindsight, the day our relationship ended, was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.

At the time, I didn’t understand it as a great gift though. You see, narcissists only release their victims when they have a replacement. Narcissists do not like to be held accountable for their actions, so they devise ways to blame their victims.

The psychological damage from that six-year relationship taught me more than I ever thought I would learn. I now understand why women beg to stay in abusive situations, and why they are always looking over their shoulders for their abusers.

Jane and I worked for the same company. Though she was stationed in a different plant, that did not stop her from trying to regain control after she discovered her new muse was not as vulnerable as she once thought.

My head was such a mess, I trembled anytime she was near. She intentionally came and sat a few cubicle rows away from me. Though I couldn’t see her, I could hear her voice. My nerves were shot, and I began to shake, but there was nowhere to hide.

I went to therapy weekly, sometimes bi-weekly, to try to overcome the abuse I’d endured. As I write this, I am realizing that the rise and fall of this abusive relationship gave me a detour from my path, and a lesson that propelled me to achieve so much more than I could have foreseen.

Jane was always looking for ways to blame me for why the relationship was ending. She even told me that I needed to go to counseling because I was crazy. I was the problem. I remember sitting in the therapist’s office. The therapist asked each of us to say what we loved about the other. I responded with a list of reasons, while Jane responded, “I have nothing.” At the time, I was extremely codependent—exactly where she wanted me to be. In this realm, I was her victim. I wouldn’t fight back or ever gain enough confidence to leave, like a fly within the spider’s web.

When Jane decided to use my therapist against me, she led me to the one person who could help me most—the woman who has been my guardian angel ever since I was 21 years old. For decades, I lied to my therapist, to family, and to friends, but most of all, I lied to myself. This time, I truly hit my bottom. At age 42, I had to move in with my parents. I was financially buried and psychologically reduced to rubble. This time I got honest with my therapist. Guess what… I started to get stronger and healthier.

It took several years to overcome the fear of Jane’s voice or of running into her somewhere. As I gained confidence, I went back to college to obtain a Master’s in Business Administration. This really helped me fill time in a positive, healthy, and safe environment. At the end of the first semester, my higher power blessed me yet again in a way I could not yet see—I was one of 500 workers laid off. The factory where Jane and I worked, a company I planned to retire from, a company with which I had just gained tenure… it had been the place of my longest employment.

Getting laid off was traumatic, but it was exactly what I needed to remove Jane from my life. Once she no longer had access to me, I could finally heal without slipping back into old patterns or reliving the trauma. It also forced me out of my comfort zone, and opened the door for me to realize my worth. I had been stagnating and would never have reached the level of promotion there that I deserved.

It also gave me time to finish the accelerated MBA program with less stress. The program consisted of four-hour classes, four days per week. At the time, I was driving an hour and a half to campus, which made for long days while working the factory job.

People tend to think that getting laid off is like a vacation, but they are unable to identify with the disappointment, struggle, hardship, and heartbreak that comes with it. Plus unemployment does not pay as much as your job; it’s a stipend that barely covers the necessities. Due to the costs of Cobra or independent health insurance, there is also often nothing to help in the case of emergency or illness.

Mentally, I struggled after losing my job. I couldn’t think straight and had a difficult time learning. My mind was always focused on finding a new job. I remember walking into my communication’s professor’s office, sharing with her that I was thinking about dropping out of the program due to mental and financial issues. She looked at me and said, “Keep going at all costs. See it through. If you don’t, you will regret it.” She went on to tell me, “You can do this. Things are hard right now but you will find a job and get back on your feet again. Just don’t give up.”

Yet again, someone had been placed in my life to keep me on the path to finding my life’s purpose. Because that professor took the time out of her day to have that discussion, I was prepared for what was soon to come.

The last two semesters were hard, I was still living with my parents and receiving a constant flow of rejections to job applications. I was beginning to lose hope that things were ever going to get any better.

Then it happened. I received a job offer to be a Quality Manager, earning more money than ever before, starting the day after the graduation procession for my MBA.

Things started to turn around; it wasn’t long before I was able to purchase a house. For the first time ever, I was living by myself, which was scary. I had no one to count on if anything happened, but I used the money-managing skills I learned while being jobless.

Then I started a job in an unfamiliar field, entered a PhD program beyond my level of competence, and began teaching as an adjunct professor at a local university. What could possibly go wrong?

Hired to replace a woman who was retiring, I was supposed to shadow her for six months to learn the position. The company was also supposed to send me for certification training to learn the ins and out of FDA rules, regulations, and requirements. But the retiree could not give up control, which made it nearly impossible to learn the position. I spoke with the Director of Quality, who requested that I fly to California so he could help get me up to speed with their processes. When I arrived at the plant, he told me he would introduce me to the team an hour later. Instead he announced that he was leaving the organization. When we were later alone, I asked if I should start looking for another job—because it’s common for a new director to bring their own staff, which meant my days would be numbered. It took at total of nine months for the company and I to part ways, which eventually came as a huge relief. This position was not a good fit.

Unemployed again, at least I had part-time income from adjunct teaching. The university offered me two additional classes, which really helped. Teaching gave me presence. It allowed an opportunity to work through my fear of public speaking. It also opened my eyes to another passion—I quickly realized that I teach and am willing to be taught… everywhere I go.

For the first time in my life, I felt decent about my financial situation. Then the skies opened up again and my higher power reintroduced me to my marketing professor—a woman who saw me as a shell of a person in an abusive relationship. She asked me to come to Florida to spend a week with her and her husband. At first, I declined. It was way out of my comfort zone. We spoke on the phone for hours one night and she helped me booked the flight.

I was nervous about maneuvering airports, staying at someone’s house, and spending the money. Old frugal patterns are hard to break. But she was there for me, teaching me how to travel, acclimating me to different airports and showing me that I am strong enough to do things on my own. Sure, it’s all scary at first, then it turns into something magical—an adventure!

If someone would have told me that one trip would lead me to my life’s purpose, I would not have believed them, but it’s true. She gave me an assignment, an important one. Kevin Hines was speaking at my university. He had attempted suicide and lived to talk about how it changed his life. Again, right place, right time. I stood in the back of the room, guarded. Yet, at that moment, it hit me. My story had value, and like Kevin, I could speak to others to help save lives. It’s funny how things work out, if only we are willing to step out of our comfort zone long enough to gain a glimpse of what’s possible.

Just like the job situation, the PhD Program in which I was enrolled was not a good fit. I was placed on academic probation, which led me to the Quality Systems Certificate program to regain my academic standing, which became a segue into being accepted into the Doctorate of Organizational Development and Change program.
I was accepted but the very first meeting turned me off. I realized that I did not mesh with my cohort group, but kept going until I became unemployed. Again, my higher power had a plan. This blockage needed to happen for me to be at the right place at the right time. A year passed and now I’m working with a different cohort, a group of individuals that matches my insight.

This is where I met Robyn. We became instantaneous friends. She in turn introduced me to the founder of Scars to Stars, Deana Brown Mitchell. I attended her summit and realized that my story had value, and that I too could share my story to help others, especially after the seed planted by my marketing professor. In that moment, I knew I wanted to speak at Deana’s next summit. I too wanted to share my story, a test to see if others found value from what I had to say.

Deana formulated this series for authors to come together, each with different experience and perspectives, to share the trials and tribulations that had held us back from becoming the best versions of themselves—moments that help those who are still struggling to realize they are not alone… we all struggle.

In those dark moments that lead to the light, to the jelly in the jellyroll, that’s usually where we find our life’s purpose. The most precious moments are when you can look at your life and see the disguised “blessings” that led you to your path. When things don’t work out the way we want them to, it often leads us to things we don’t believe that we deserve. Once you see the pattern clearly, life changes. You give up trying to control everything and can just live in the moment, where we all belong, which is the only moment we can influence.

Robyn influenced my life in so many ways and yet she was not done. The DODC program was not a good fit for either of us. She tried to get me to transfer to a program in the UK, one that would be exactly what both of us were looking for, one that plays to my strengths, my passions, and my experience. That program is allowing me to write my master’s thesis on finding my voice. You see, we all have a purpose. We all add value to others’ lives, even if it’s something simple like saying, “Good morning,” to someone you pass on the street. People are blessings and you are too. I challenge you to look at your life as if it were a jigsaw puzzle. As you begin to see the image come into focus, can you spot the people or obstacles placed in your path, those things that irritated you and yet later on, you were glad they turned out differently? Can you see the chain reaction of events that led to where you are today? Are they blessings? Indeed they are, even if you can’t see that immediately.

The puzzle that is my life began to take shape only after I became frustrated and overwhelmed. Before that, all I chose to see was a jumble of pieces dumped out of a box. I could not recognize the small wins that would become the border pieces, the foundation of a beautiful life that was meant for me. Instead, I was always sorting, frantically trying to put random pieces together to secure some semblance of peace. Little did I realize, the pieces were coming together behind the scenes. With every job loss or bad decision, I was “picking up the pieces,” finding corner pieces that helped me to anchor this journey that is my life. Every time I exuded vulnerability and became willing to grow and learn from those trials and tribulations, my higher power blessed me with another chunk of the border. Little by little, as the frame began to develop, my confidence grew until I finally allowed myself to see the beauty that is life.

For so many years, I searched through the pile for that one puzzle piece that would make me whole—thinking it was another person—a piece I recently discovered is not included in my puzzle for a good reason. My path is for me to become the best version of myself. It’s a path I was meant to walk alone, but it is graciously filled with individuals who have guided me along the way. I see life differently now; I realize I don’t need a partner to fulfill me or to make me happy. I desire a partner who is her own person. Together, we can be two strong independent women who are great apart but even better together. Now, I am no longer searching frantically for a jigsaw person to complete me. My focus is on how I can share my own story and lessons learned.

All of the pieces are already in front of us—pieces piled in disarray, maybe, but they are all there. Don’t worry or fret. Some pieces are topsy turvy, upside down, or even sideways. Live in this very moment. Stop trying to jam the pieces into place, attempting to control everything. Instead, be willing to learn. Listen and look past the obvious to see the blessings your life is offering.

We all face struggles and have had to “pick up the pieces,” so to speak. What I’ve learned is simple but not easy. Lead with compassion and understanding, then share your own story and treat others as you wish to be treated. Life is hard and everyone is not where you are. Some are more advanced, while others are still searching for a border or corner piece. Wherever you are in your own struggles, remember also that you might just be the missing piece someone else desperately needs so they can begin to build the frame for their own life.

Can you tell us about a time you’ve had to pivot?

The past 12-months have been filled with plenty of firsts, extraordinary moments, interactions home and abroad. Adventures filled with moments that I needed to embrace in order for me to become comfortable in the uncomfortable. As I write this, I was in Ketchikan, Alaska, visiting Katherine, a woman I met in April of 2021 at the Scars to Stars Summit. I have been on a journey to find not only the best version of myself but also my life’s purpose, however, I have discovered so much more. Over the past year, I have learned who the real Deb is, not just who she was, and I have embraced who she will become, through the utilization of Action Research. Until now, I use to use self-reflection in a negative manner and reflection-in-action, was nonexistent. The opportunities that were available to me, like the welding class, seemed to be random and unrelated to my practice, when in fact they were windows of clarity that highlight my limiting assumptions and beliefs that have in the past held me back from becoming my full genuine self.

Elaine reiterates her discomfort for stepping out of her comfort zone. Elaine looks at her daughter Monica and I and says, “I can’t do this and I’m not really creative. I guess I should have read more about the class because I can’t do this and I really don’t know what to make.” Elaine’s negative comments mirror my own thoughts and feelings, exacerbating self-doubt and insecurity which hinders creativity. This realization hits me at that moment, I stop, and reflect on my thoughts, actions and self-limiting beliefs.

This inner silence allows for reflection, stopping to see the situation, that allows learning to occur. An epiphany, slowing down to see and feel, leads to learning more about my genuine self. I could not hear what my intuition was telling me, my internal navigation system was speaking but I could not hear it. The internal chatter, chaos, saturating a mind that is running fast to avoid stopping to see what I need to see and learning about Deb, my authentic self.

Reflection begins to breakdown the negative twinge, a dark cloud that overhangs upon a class that is meant to be fun. Elaine, an older woman in the group is as negative as I. Her words resonate with what’s going through my mind as she says, “I’m no good at this, I’m not creative at all. It sounded like something I could do, but I’m not comfortable with at all.”

August 2023. Taos, New Mexico. A 30’ by 60’ shop, filled with equipment to create. Christina, an accomplished welder and sculpture, is teaching our welding class. It’s the first day of this 4-day class and its warm outside, but we are blessed with a cross breeze that refreshes us. Acetylene and oxygen tanks, feed the flame of the cutting torch. Fear halts my excitement, as Nathan and Andrew begin to draw their creations on scrap pieces of steel. Christina says “Turn on the acetylene and give it a spark. Dial the flame to just past the black smoke. Turn on the oxygen to a medium blue with crisp cones.” It’s the prettiest flame I’ve ever seen and the cones, so distinct, lending to my eagerness.

Cedar, Christina’s assistant, hands me a soap stone and a piece of steel. Nerves, anxiety and fear lead to frustration due to my lack of creativity. Immediately, my mind reflects back to the negative, taking the stance of, “I can’t do this.
I am not creative.” Those negative thoughts replay as if they are on a reoccurring loop, until I recognized the pattern and changed my perspective.

I am totally outside my comfort zone, I am frozen with inaction, without a plan or pattern in mind. An uncomfortable place, which usually leads me to shut down. A piece of soap stone my drawing tool, etches shapes to cut from a doodle that will transform to 3D. I really think sculpting with metal will truly reduce my stress-level and allow me to become more comfortable within my own skin. To build or create something based upon the energy, the feel, of the metal and fire necessary to tame the steels desire for design. My eyes tell my brain, to let the piece speak its design.

In “reflection-in-action,” “doing and thinking are complementary. Doing extends thinking in the tests, moves, and probes of experimental action, and reflection feeds on doing and its results. I shake off the dingy, darkness of fear and the thoughts of this is something I cannot do and instead look at Elanie and say, “We are here to have fun, an adventure to learn something new. We don’t have to be perfect, just try our best.” Foregoing perfection and fear, I took control and used my fear to propel into action, in order to become comfortable with the uncomfortable. Facing my fears of inadequacy to overcome the negative experiences of the past, allowing myself to learn, grow and enjoy the creative process. I gave myself permission to be free from boundaries of expectation and trusted the process of being a free spirit. Coloring outside the lines for a change and experiencing the joy of creating a piece, not only from my mind but also from my heart.

Taking the welding class is something that I wanted to do, a goal that I set for myself, yet I am standing in my own way. The willingness to engage in creative thought and action is prevalent, but at the same time those limiting self-beliefs conjure up a risk-aversion, reflecting upon negative situational experiences. A reflection in the moment occurs, taking stock of the creative behavior in regards to risk and potential benefits. Welding, my creative manifestation, an abstract way and the reason why I was there, to discover an outlet for stress in a creative manner. I needed to value my creativity and to be willing to step out of my comfort zone by exuding creative confidence in my artistic abilities. Give myself permission to create from the heart, without criticism based upon old patterns of situational experiences that have built boundaries in my head.

The soap stone flowed in such a manner across the steel, asking the uncomfortableness of the moment to step aside as it morphed into confidence of self. Reflection-in-the moment providing a segue into a new and exciting perspective shift, a breakthrough that changed my negative behavior, allowing me to be a catalyst of change for Elaine as well. Realizing this shift and transformation instilled confidence as I felt the onset of self-love and understanding. My mood shifted as the possibilities of the situation no longer held limitation, a beautiful moment in time.

The smell of metal and acetylene fills the air as I put on my welding goggles, flame resistant gloves, and place the cutting torch in my right hand. The metal plate, now etched with my design, awaits as I lean in over the grated table. The flame kisses the edge of the steel plate, as I draw upon patience while waiting for the metal to pool. The sparks begin to fly when the cutting oxygen valve lever is pressed. Each of us drew, cutout, grounded and tack welded our pieces together, creating a unique class sculpture. Collaboration was necessary to democratically institute the overall look and feel of the sculpture.

The entire class collaborated, we were all active in making decisions as to where each shape might fit, within the realm of developing the sculptures creative form. Being asked to drawing a freeform, random shape, while other classmates watched, brought about the known feeling of critique that turned into limiting beliefs. Collaboration is normally a welcome endeavor, it allows me to set back and embrace not having to be the smartest person in the room, to listen and gain a well-rounded perspective that will benefit the collective. Stepping into this creative circle, brought fear of inadequacy and self-doubt, as any “firsts,” normally do for me.

Inquiry-in-action was necessary to assist with a personal perspective and attitude change, in order for me to set aside those limiting beliefs for the common good of the overall group project, a collaborative piece, a patchwork of each individual team member. There is a need to understand the end ask or result, to ensure that collaboration can occur, each person has to be aware of the others counting on them and their ability to produce a piece to accomplish the goal. Collaborative inquiry, in my mind, could extend to positive cheerleading or encouragement for all involved.

Elaine and I had, we both were allowing our self-limiting beliefs to cloud our judgement, so in essence, without even being aware of it, we used action learning to reach our goal. Action learning was achieved through deliberation of our self-doubts, searching for another person to validate those thoughts of being inadequate for the task at hand. A reflection within a moment, a stop in time that allowed us to both to propel forward, as I was able to overcome my self-limited beliefs to reach a point of comfort within the uncomfortable.

Forging. Amy, a local Sante Fe, NM blacksmith, brought her induction forge for our class to trial. A more environmental way to forge, reducing the amount of bi-products that are produced during the forging process. I fell in love with the hot-forging process, the steel rods stayed hotter longer, allowing more time for hammering. Working with the hot metal, and remembering the safety techniques, was challenging.

For the first time, I took it all in stride and allowed Christina to teach me. Monica, another welding student, had start over after she twisted her steel rod. I was impressed by her ability to take it in stride, without getting worked up or saying, “I can’t do this.” Fear arises from a false picture we create in our mind, which overshadows our intelligence as false fear attempts to manuever and manipulate. Limiting assumptions or in my case, fear of failure overshadows the premise or need to fail in order to succeed, learn and grow. Assumptions based on what other think, that develop within me as fear, when in all actuality, they should be joyous moments as I walk on the fringe of my comfort zone, to become comfortable in the uncomfortable.

I was impressed by how other students were able to make some intricate pieces using the forge. Elanie, really embraced forging and allowed herself to find her center or zen, without falling into a negative mode. She actually made a really cool bracelet, she hammered it in way that gave it texture. Elaine had to overcome her false fear, stop separating herself from others by refering to everything as, “I.”

Elaine and I were mirroring each other is some aspects. Self-limiting assumptions as my mind mentally embrace those false fears if not being good enough as the worry of not creating something profound swirled, removing all joy from this adventurous moment. This past year, I have been working on self-awareness, something that is necessary to complete the research for this project. After returning to therapy after a minor setback or lesson learned, Monica, my therapist shared with me that I am very self-aware, an interesting observation that brought a smile to my face and helped to cement the progress that has been achieved due to the research.

Personal Project. The first cut, jerky and too fast. Slow and steady is required for a smooth cut and less slag. Oops, I lost the cut. Oxygen lever is released, as acetylene heats up creating a pool. Oxygen added to again spark, what a feeling of power as the piece I am cutting falls out. 12 imperfect triangles, bring me joy as each is singled out from the metal plate. Now I use the grinder, to shave slag and debris, preparing for welding.

While cutting out the triangles, haphazardly, my mind cycled to 1996. I reflect upon a time that I had absolutely nothing. I wrecked my car, I didn’t have a job, no money in savings, and I was living with my parents, totally dependent on their kindness and support. I borrowed my dad’s band saw, a 4’ x 8’ sheet of paneling, a pencil and straight edge and begin to cut. A carousel, begins to take shape from memory. Christina asked us to make a container, so my mind wanders as to possibilities, as I decide to free flow at the welding table.

Gloves on, welding helmet pulled down. I yell, “WELDING,” to warn those nearby. The smell of melting merging metal as fiery hot sparks fly. Tack weld is complete. Building jigs to support the happy shiny triangles I cut and ground the day before. Jigs are used to add tack welds, to hold the structure in place. As I tack the first 2 triangles together, the shape comes to mind, it felt positive as if the triangles asked to form the piece. I felt one with the metal, creative confidence builds.

An abstract piece comes to mind, a piece that looked like a pinwheel, yet in 3D form to give indication to a container for wind.

Christina says, “10 more minutes on the welding station.” Frustration hits, as I catch myself focused on my limiting assumptions, as I am only halfway done. The jigs are not cooperating. Pieces are sliding, so repositioning consumes time. I catch on to my bad behavior, negative self-talk. Slowdown. Breathe. Telling myself, the piece will be what it will be, if time expires. We only know what we know, when we know it, so in this moment I realized that perfection and pleasing others was unimportant. This class was for me to regain my creativity, to introduce a hobby into my life that would reduce stress and be another outlet for my voice. Art is a continuation of our voice and who we are or are becoming. I ground myself in the moment, I find myself calm, cool and collected. The pieces start to make sense. Aligning as the universe desires them to be. Pieces continue to fall into place, without effort but with finesse.

Grinding, then polishing. Christina says, “Grind and polish use the torch to add a bluing effect, to make the piece pop.” I light the rosebud on the acetylene torch. The flames gently kiss each shiny metal triangle until the bluing effect takes hold adding colors galore. A final water quench and my piece is complete. I drilled a hole to attach a chain from which it will hang.

Pride and joy fill my heart, as I realized I created a beautiful piece of art. An imperfect object, pleases my eyes, and confirms this adventurous journey. I am right where I need to be. Cutting, welding and forging are creative outlets for me.
Christina says, “I’ve never had a student make an abstract like that. You should continue on with cutting welding and forging after this class. “A smile beams as I reply, “This is why I chose to take your class, to be more creative and reduce my stress.”

Christina’s comment stops me in my tracks. A moment of pride comes over me, in that moment I reflect upon the entire class and how I was ready to throw in the towel because I had no plan. I was afraid to fail at something new, all because I could not think of something I wanted to make.

A valuable reflection, one that set the stage for spontaneity and just allowing myself to color outside the lines without restriction. However, I was also impressed by Elaine’s bracelet, which she forged out of steel. Both nay sayers, both extremely competent and creative, once we got out of our own way. Perfection is unreachable, failure is not bad, being who I am is important. Willingness to learn, to fail, to be imperfect and to be me, no matter what the world knows, says or believes, I am a good person and deserve to let myself be free. Limiting assumptions are false fears that keep me from living life, dampening my light, confidence and creativity.

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