We were lucky to catch up with Debbie Zeichner recently and have shared our conversation below.

Debbie, thanks for taking the time to share your stories with us today Was there a moment in your career that meaningfully altered your trajectory? If so, we’d love to hear the backstory.

Fortunately, we had some friends who had taken a parenting course and strongly suggested my husband and I sign up. The course instructor learned I was a psychotherapist and practically begged me to let her train me to teach the class. I thought, “Me? Teach? Heck, I have NO CLUE what I’m doing!” She assured me that with time, practice and her guidance, things would get easier and, fortunately, they did. After going through her certification training and finding my footing within my own parenting, I finally decided to close up my therapy practice and open up my own parent coaching practice, so that I could share the incredible tools I had learned with other parents who were also struggling.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.

One of the hardest parts of parenting was coming to the realization that so often, it wasn’t my kids that were the “problem.” It was ME!

Here’s the thing…My parents did the best they could, but they most definitely had their limitations. The unspoken vibe in my home was that there was a “right” way and a “wrong” way of doing things. Choosing the “wrong” way wasn’t pleasant. It often involved criticism, long lectures, shame, anger, lots of yelling and silent treatments.

As most of us do, I brought this baggage from my childhood into my parenting. Among other things, I carried the belief that there was a right way for my kids to act and when they didn’t act in the way I thought they “should,” well, I didn’t handle it so well. I got impatient. I got frustrated. I yelled. I became the parent I swore I would never be. And I had so much shame around this…especially because I was a therapist who “should” know better. Let’s just say I hit a low. I was struggling and needed to figure something out. All the behavioral methods I was trained in (consequences, punishments, rewards, bribes etc) weren’t working.

More specifically, I learned it wasn’t about controlling, correcting and fixing our kids. It was about connecting with them; trying to understand life from their perspective. It was about understanding that these young amazing humans had immature brains that were still developing and that they’re doing the best they can to navigate this complicated world with the (very limited) skills they have.

It wasn’t all about me and how *I* needed them to be and behave. It was about learning to understand their needs and how I could show up for them as the calm, patient, compassionate parent they needed and deserved. I learned how to set boundaries without using consequences, punishments, bribes and rewards. I learned I could be kind AND firm at the same time.

Little by little, I started to see shifts – in myself as I began feeling more grounded, less anxious and impatient. And guess what? As my behavior was changing, so was theirs! We started having way less tantrums, less power struggles, less meltdowns, less sibling fights, less defiance. Was it perfect? Heck no! But it was a dramatic improvement. We finally had more connection and more fun in our family.

Trust me, this didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of practice and doing the inner work on my own “stuff,” with many ups and downs. But, the work paid off! I finally got to a place where I felt more confident and calm instead of constant dread over what the day would look like. I’m still a work in progress, but am so grateful for how far I’ve come and all the tools I have that helped me get there.

If you could go back, would you choose the same profession, specialty, etc.?

Training and knowledge matter of course, but beyond that what do you think matters most in terms of succeeding in your field?

I think the most valuable tool to have in my profession is a warm, genuine and authentic presence. Parents come to me feeling so lost, frustrated, exhausted and overwhelmed. They also feel so alone. To be able to hold non-judgmental space for someone else’s pain and distress is completely transformative and healing, in my opinion.

Contact Info:

• Website: www.debbiezeichnerlcsw.com
• Instagram: www.instagram.com/debbiezeichner.parentcoach
• Facebook: www.facebook.com/debbiezeichnerlcsw
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debbie-zeichner-lcsw-b80b9773/