We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Daddy Doyenne. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Daddy below.
Daddy, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. Let’s kick things off with your mission – what is it and what’s the story behind why it’s your mission?
At age 17, I was thrust into the world of BDSM (Bondage.Discipline. [Dominance/submission] Sadism. Massochism). My Dominant was an older white man, and ex-convict, who had swastikas tattooed within the mass of Norse tattoos adorning his arms and body. His other submissive partners were, I believe 32 and 22 at the time, both also white and worked in the tattoo shop I was in my apprenticeship for. He was my boss, and quite obviously, to my adult self now, I was groomed, and this was an inappropriate relationship. Despite what sounds like a lifetime movie gone wrong, being introduced to BDSM became a blessing in disguise for me. I learned the basics, and learned the “old guard” form of training, as a submissive before discovering and claiming my dominance.
This experience also taught me what not to do in BDSM and forced me to learn and teach myself more about the intricacies of human psychology, not to mention, how to better enforce boundaries. My experience taught me about the white dominant world of BDSM, where sometimes you get lucky in finding a partner, or guidance, but most of the time, you face racism and anti-blackness, transphobia, homophobia, and narcissism. But my experience also taught me what it’s like to let go. What it’s like to hold someone’s trust and wellbeing in your hands, and what it’s like to honor that. It taught me that I become triggered by the use of leather belts, on me, but if I’m weilding the instrument, I am no longer afraid.
My spiritual journey began when I was 26 and had just given birth to my son. I needed to find my own strength after a failed relationship threw me into a spiral for a few years. On my way through the divine feminine, into the divine masculine, and connecting deeper with my roots, and my blackness, I found that honing my skills as a Dominant alongside learning discipline through spirituality really go hand in hand.
During the pandemic, I was laid off from my restaurant job, and put on hiatus as far as my burlesque career, and every other passion other than art. I began to form an idea, that would not only combine my skills and passions, for the culinary arts, performing arts, and BDSM, just as I was breaking into monetizing my lifestyle, but it would allow me to teach others and share my philosophy on “intentional BDSM.”
In the Spring of 2021, after losing my grandmother in the rough year that came before, I created The Kinky Kafé, first as a pop up restaurant in my former place of employment. I ended up losing that opportunity and converting the Kafé into catering, both private and delivered meals. From there, it blossomed into the catering and event business it is, after many location losses ,closed doors, and money lost.
The Kinky Kafé is a catering and event business, but it’s so much more. It’s a movement to restructure and reform what our kink community is, and can be. Where consent culture is not just what you practice in your bedroom, but in your day to day life. It’s a place where black and brown people, and the LGBTQ+ can find beauty and power in confronting inherited and generational trauma.
Our menu is based on my memories, my time in the culinary industry, and my Caribbean culture, being from Antigua, West Indies. We create experiences that intersect the love language of good food, art, and sexual and spiritual liberation. We educate the masses in safety, consent, and BDSM protocol, as well as point others towards as many resources we can. We aim to destigmatize kink, and humanize sexwork, as well as aid in the movement to decriminalize sex work.
We do not have a permanent location, but aim to secure financing for one in the future, with the option to continue to travel to different locations to create our events.
Awesome – so before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers.
My name is Santhel, but most know me now as Daddy Doyenne, The Demonatrix. I was born in a New York City hospital, raised in Antigua, West Indies, until I was 10 years old, then moved up to the United States to Rochester, NY to live with my grandmother. I spent the next 24 years of my life proving that I can not only do whatever I put my mind to, but I could excell at it, and would make myself distinctly different from the rest, the whole way.
I’ve always been the black sheep in my family. Around my early teenage years I found myself fascinated by the dark, macabre, and Gothic. As a black person, born female from the Caribbean, where our culture was still very stuck in the grip of colonial religious influence, this already made me stand out, so to speak. Add to that my queer identity. As a genderfluid queer, struggling to figure out their identity and relationship with their body, it made me both more susceptible to criticism and ridicule, and a lot tougher as a person. I was always considered “sensitive” because of my penchant for extreme empathy and self sacrifice, but I’ve always been a protector and a fighter when necessary. I’ve always been the friend you call in the middle of the night because someone’s doing you wrong or you’re in dire need. I’ve also always had a strained relationship with a sense of control over self. I was taught that to care for others is to be subservient to them, or through acts of service, but with a knack for self sacrifice and low self esteem, that can get you in a lot of situations where you are not careful of the value of your own life. My journey in BDSM, from 17 year old naive submissive to adult lifestyle and professional Dominant morphed me into someone who could recognize their power, and their value, and weild it accordingly. It taught me how to outline my boundaries and demand that they be respected. Being a Dominant has taught me what it feels like to live in the Divine Masculine ( assertive, forceful, the giver) and the Divine Feminine (nurterer, the receiver, divine wisdom) at the same time. It taught me that I can be in control, but I can still give, and care while I do it.
After high-school, then after a short try at a Fine Art degree, and an even shorter go at massage therapy, two failed and drama filled attempts at a tattoo apprenticeship, I ended up in culinary school. After graduating Culinary school in New York City, I was off into the world of restaurants for the next decade, fighting against misogyny and racism, not to mention a slew of sexual harassment, the whole way, to be paid pennies and destroy my body for the businesses of others.
Before the pandemic, I was beginning to make a name for myself on the burlesque stage, as San Bonnie, the pirate witch of Bewitched Burlesque, an alternative neo- burlesque troupe based in Rochester, NY.
I had also been running my small art business under the name Macx Macabre Arts, making visual art and products such as spiritual baths, skin and lip scrubs, and even selling my line of Caribbean style hot sauces, Santi’s Hellfire. All while still working in restaurants, and driving Lyft and Uber on the side.
Creating the Kinky Kafé allowed me to combine my passions into a work of art, that is not just a job, but a movement, and a lifestyle. I wanted to allow myself to work for myself because I know what stress is inflicted on my own body and mind. I realized I no longer had to put in 3 times the work to be passed up for the first white boy out of culinary school, or not see my child before bed because Timmy wants me to close the kitchen so he can get in a few rounds of golf before dusk. I even recently changed my stage name to The Demonatrix, to further align with my lifestyle as a Dominant.
We are not the first to bring BDSM and performance, as well as education into nightlife, but we are the first to introduce it to the Western and Central, NY area. We are the first to package it specifically as safer spaces for BIPOC and LGBTQ+ people. We are the first to focus more on community building and change while still presenting it in a sexy package. We are the first that I know of to include an aphrodisiac in every dish on our menu, and the menu is curated from my memories, history, and Caribbean culture.
I am immensely proud after every event, down to the smallest catering jobs, when we are able to change anyone’s mind just a little bit, or just to bring the joy of food made with love to a few smiling faces. I am so proud to showcase black, brown and queer, performers, artists, and business owners. Most of all, I am proud to be able to truly build community, and give back by fostering an environment of accountability, reciprocy, resilience, transformative reconstruction and sexual liberation.
On August 27th, my proudest moment came to pass. The Kinky Kafé threw a Pride event we called Thee Big Queer Kiki, at Wunderbar in Syracuse, NY. Each attendee’s ticket included a meal, of small dishes from our catering menu. Our “kink fairies,” (submissives who work for the Kafé) took orders and served the meal to each table while a cast of extraordinarily talented black, and brown and all LGBTQ+ burlesque and drag performers put on a spectacular show, intermitted by performance kink demos featuring myself. We also had some of our Kinky Kafé featured vendors bringing smiles and sparkle to our guests.
The night began with a reading of our mission statement, and a full interactive class from myself, Daddy, and our great friend and fellow burlesque performer and MC, Sin O’Nymph, also known as Mommy, on the basics of BDSM protocol and safety, and most importantly, consent.
After the first half of the event, we ended the night with “kinklesque” and another kink demo featuring myself and my fellow burlesque performer Lorem Velour, as my “bottom” (the person receiving Domination). A dance party followed, and the night ended with all smiles and good cheer.
This night received SO MUCH positive and beautiful feedback. Of course there could have been details that could be improved, but that’s truly the only way to learn. The community wrote to me about how much they felt seen and appreciated, alongside raving reviews of the food. Some discovered things about themselves for the first time. There was a resounding request for more. By far, my proudest achievement to date, is creating an environment for my communities; the people I endearingly refer to as my babies, to feel seen, safe, and special. I couldn’t ask for more.
How’d you build such a strong reputation within your market?
Before I was Daddy Doyenne, the Demonatrix, I was Daddy Semita, an adult content model, working for a Syracuse based adult website. I had been dreaming of breaking into the world of professional Domination from the age of 18, but had been so far successfully gatekept and discouraged from it. I had been working for this website while also being my grandmother’s home health aid in her last years with dementia. After her passing, the opportunity to monetize my lifestyle dropped into my lap.
I had met and befriended a young black artist by the name of Chrixtian Cloud some time before my grandmother’s passing who had introduced me to Mistress Marley. Mistress Marley is a well known black findom (financial Dominatrix), and founder of the, now disbanded Black Domme Sorority. She builds her business and endeavors with and for the black community.
Black Domme Sorority was not just a Sorority, but a collective of black and afro-latinx women, and femmes who came together from all over the world to learn all things findom and femdom, build community and connection, and to celebrate our selves and our melanin and culture. I had access to tons of information, classes, and events. While I was a part of BDS, on one hand I felt like I finally had community and support, but I also felt like there was a definite emphasis on “traditional” femdom. I found myself taking the advice and classes, but still feeling like there was something essential missing from the formula that was me, as Daddy Doyenne. I had also been in a relationship, which ended up an engagement, that was just not the right one for me. My partner at the time had some interesting and infuriating views on trans identities and sex work.
After BDS was disbanded, I felt as though I lost a family, but it also ended up a great blessing. So far I had been trying to fit into the box of traditional femdom, because it had been presented time and time again as the most effective way to make money in the industry. Cis-gender women and cis-gender men have been carving out a niche for themselves in the growing world of publicized BDSM, with people like Mistress Marley, Jet Setting Jasmine, and King Noire being featured on television and media. There hasn’t really been a place for trans, gender queer and gender non-conforming folks to shine in this industry.
My reputation has taken off since rejecting the confines of traditional femdom, coming out as genderfluid, and insisting that I build the niche that I found to be missing. I’m known as a Dominant “entity” in the world of Domination. I have created and will continue to build a place where strict adherence to gender binaries is neither necessary, nor a defining trait of what it is to be a Dominant, or any form of kinkster for that matter.
Daddy Doyenne, the Demonatrix, is an unbridled and uncensored presentation of my true self. I don’t hide my flaws, I speak my mind, and hold myself accountable for my mistakes and learn and grow from them. I encourage others in the industry to live the same, and work the same, and this creates a unique space of inclusion and empowerment that makes me stand out in my field.
We’d love to hear a story of resilience from your journey.
When I first created the idea of The Kinky Kafé, it was to be a BDSM themed restaurant that I hoped to find a brick and mortar building for with space for events. My most recent employer, before and during the pandemic offered me a pop up opportunity in his restaurant. He had just partnered with a friend to take over a second restaurant location, in the lobby of a posh, downtown high-rise apartment building.
My task was to create a test kitchen experience to roll out the pop up and my former employer’s business partner would stay to serve drinks during the experience.
I spent the entire night before and some of the morning prepping for the test kitchen, and my small selection of special guests had only great things to say about the food.
This doesn’t mean that the day went smoothly though. I had bitten off much more than I could chew. I chose to attempt to sample the entire menu, all the way down to the sides, and that caused me to run over my allotted time. The prep kitchen was in the sublevel of the building and the only way to bring prep to the restaurant was down a series of hallways, up a particular elevator and through the lobby with a small cart, and I had spent so long prepping, being on my feet, and walking, that I had strained the tendons in my feet, and had to wear a boot for weeks after. My only assistance had been my partner at the time, who was not very helpful or social, so my sister stepped in to assist with hosting, and for a short time, bartending, because our bartender and the co-owner of the restaurant had left for what we were told would be about an hour, and no one had access to even a glass of water. Then my son, who was 5 at the time, ended up running wild and free while my poor Mother attempted to enjoy her meal. Even after my guests left, I struggled to clean the kitchen and gather my things to leave, and a number of my brand new ramekins lost their lives to the floor.
The next day, I received what I felt to be devastating news from my former employer. He sat me down to tell me that he was happy to hear that everyone enjoyed the experience, and that the food was stellar, but because of the possible insurance violations, such as my sister behind the bar and my child also running behind the bar and once or twice through the kitchen door, he could not risk hosting me in this restaurant OR his first restaurant location. I was gutted, and felt like I had nowhere else to go.
He assured me that he would search for other kitchens that may host me, but that never came to pass. I attempted to find other hosting restaurants myself and found that that was close to impossible, especially in the wake of the pandemic. My operation so far has been completely self funded, and I had taken a great loss already with this first attempt. So I took a step back, and rethought my approach.
For the immediate time being I would attempt to recoup my losses by selling prepared meals on certain days weekly, and I created a catering menu with package deals in which myself and a submissive would come into our customer’s home and create a 5 course dinner experience for 2 to 10 guests. This also resulted in quite a bit of lost revenue, so I took some time again. During this period I focused on my fellowship with the Sex Worker Giving Circle; a grant making team consisting of BIPOC and LGBTQ+ sex workers, writing grants for sex worker lead organizations, and my femdom clientele. I also ended my relationship, moved out of my house and back to my family home, and sold or gave away many of my belongings.
As I began to heal and regain the strength of my spirit, I recalibrated my approach to the business model once again. I would begin to throw my own small events and include plated or buffet style meals within, while showcasing aligned performers, vendors, educators and artists. I could also use my platform to educate and share my philosophy on intentional BDSM.
I planned my first burlesque “Munch” (a gathering of kinksters interesting in meeting like-minded individuals over a meal and drinks in a public social setting.)
Despite a few small hiccups the Munch went off without much of a hitch, and the guests were so elated by this new experience that it was obvious that I had finally found my formula.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: @kinkykafellc
- Facebook: facebook.com/TheKinkyKafeLLC
- Twitter: Daddy_Doyenne