We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Courtney Edman a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Courtney, thanks for taking the time to share your stories with us today What’s the backstory behind how you came up with the idea for your business?

Thr entire inspiration and reason for 2tametheshamE, Inc, is my son. He is now almost 23, and we have been on a journey together for over 20 years of discovering what it means to be neurodivergent and the implications for me as a parent, raising him.

The term neurodivergent is a broad term that incorporates people whose brain functions in a way that is different from what might otherwise be “expected”; Debbie Reber termed the phrase “differently wired” to help describe people who are neurodivergent, and this term includes a broad spectrum of brain differences such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, giftedness, as well as something known as twice-exceptional which is a term that I didn’t learn until I read it in my son’s neuropsychological evaluation when he was 17. This term, twice-exceptional, means that a person has two exceptions to the norm in their learning profile: one exception is being gifted or having a high IQ/being highly intellectually capable, and the second exception is that they also have some type of learning difference such as ADHD, dyslexia, autism, etc. When I looked into this term and what it meant, I finally discovered what I had been seeking for over 15 years: an explanation for the challenges we had endured along with tools, strategies, and an approach that I could use that would work with his neurodivergent brain.

One of the hardest things about being neurodivergent (and raising a neurodivergent child) is that the root of the challenges are invisible; we can’t see the differences in the anatomy or neurophysiological processes of their brain which result in the inability to do what is asked or meet expectations. Unfortunately, the only evidence of the invisible, brain-based differences are a person’s actions, otherwise known as behaviors, and traditionally, we believe that when a person is not doing as they are told or following through with an expectation, they are doing so out of disrespect, laziness, lack of motivation, or forgetfulness. We see their actions through a behavioral lens rather than through the lens of a learning difference or lagging skill. This perception coupled with our traditional approach of shaping behavior through rewards and consequences only, is a set up for failure. The root of the challenges for these invisible learning differences are not behavioral; they are skill based and when we keep using behavioral strategies instead of teaching them the skills they need, we are setting them up for failure. This scenario would be like telling someone who is having difficulty learning how to read that they need to try harder or “just” read the words or else they will lose their privileges; or if they want to earn more screen time, they have to show that they can read. Rewards and consequences don’t teach reading skills nor do they teach executive function skills or any other skills.

So, this was the story for my son and me. I understood that he couldn’t do what we were asking him to do but I didn’t know how to help him because he seemed capable of doing what we asked until we asked him to do it, and unlike his sisters, he did not respond to rewards and consequences; no matter what behavioral system I tried or how creative or novel it was, his behavior never changed; he still wasn’t doing what we asked; he started lying and became increasingly dysregulated as he got older; yet no one could provide and answers on what I could be doing differently to help him. Neither doctors, therapists, nor teachers had any new ideas which left me feeling completely powerless to help him; to shape his behavior, self-regulation, follow through, and accountability for his actions, and it resulted in him developing limited understanding of or respect for limits, rules, boundaries, or expectations.

Sounds disastrous, right? Well it was.

But once I finally discovered what I needed to be doing differently and I found that it worked, I simply wanted to share it with others so that they wouldn’t have to struggle in the same way that we had struggled. I knew there must be others who were struggling to find answers about how to raise kids whose behaviors simply don’t respond to traditional parenting approaches, are easily dysregulated, and yet who seem capable in so many other ways..

Through my business, I wanted to help other parents and caregivers who were struggling to figure out how to support their child, but I also wanted to support the kids themselves. I knew what a toll it had taken on my son’s self-confidence, mental health, ability to manage the increasing complexities and responsibilities of life, and on our relationship, and I knew that I had the skills to meet people where they were, support them in discovering and understanding what was at the root of the challenges, help them believe in themselves again, and then go about working together to build skills and discover how to do the things that they hadn’t yet learned or been taught to do.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.

At 2tametheshamE, Inc. we provide specialized coaching services for people who are neurodivergent and their parents. This includes people who are ADHD, autistic, dyslexic, gifted, twice- exceptional, or other learning differences. Most of the time the people who we coach have difficulty with executive function skills which is why they are at the heart of our coaching.

Executive function (EF) skills impact a person’s ability to have goal-directed behavior which means they significantly impact a person’s level of success in school, with work, and with managing everyday life, including waking up on time, getting to appointments, cleaning the house, responding to emails, doing chores, and even charging the phone at night.

We have coached people as young as 6, as mature as 72, and everywhere in between. With our youngest clients, our coaching is primarily focused on helping the parents understand the impact of lagging executive function skills on behavior and to support them in learning strategies to use with their kids to build the executive function skills. We provide information on using visual supports and cues with their kids, co-regulation strategies, and help them develop and practice communication techniques based on motivational interviewing that fosters a sense of connection, collaboration and shared problem-solving.

The majority of our clients are between 13 and 30 years of age. This age range includes 8th graders, high school and college age students as well as 20 somethings who have not yet made the transition to independent adulthood. When coaching these clients, all of whom are typically living with their parents or are being financially supported by their parents, we always incorporate parent coaching and communication with parents as a part of the full coaching plan. We believe in providing parents, no matter their child’s age, with information to help them understand the root of the challenges their child is having and with the strategies to strengthen their communication and collaboration. We also believe that parents have important information to share with us that can inform our coaching, and the most effective coaching and progress takes place when everyone on the team is working together towards the same goals and with the same strategies. There are also times when we collaborate with other professionals who are supporting the student such as teachers, therapists, neuropsychologists, etc. In addition to these 13 – 30 year old clients that we coach, we also coach adults who having difficulty managing all of their responsibilities or achieving a particular goal that they have had difficulty with such as applying to medical school, completing a PhD program, or managing a new level of responsibilties because of getting a promotion, having children, or some other life change.

Many people come to us in a state of overwhelm, uncertainty, frustration, fear, disappointment, failure, grief, and so many other emotions based on the experiences they have had which have resulted in them seeking help. As a result of these emotional and sometimes relationship challenges (and because we know what it is like to have lived these challenges), we don’t just jump into sharing strategies like creating a braindump or using a calendar that will magically make their lives better. Instead, we start with helping them understand the challenges from a brain-based perspective rather than a behavioral perspective. We also focus on communication snd relationship building strategies to foster a new or renewed sense of trust, presence, acceptance, transparency and connection in the relationship. Sometimes we have clients who are emotionally ready to learn the strategies and after sharing a few strategies with them, they are capable of implementing them regularly and they don’t need much more from coaching, but this is not typically the situation. Typically, people come to us with parents and kids who have hyperresponsive sympathetic nervous systems, meaning they are living in fight flight freeze because of their life experiences. They are reactive to one another and we have to help them develop new ways of communicating with each other or new ways of understanding their responses to rebuild that sense of trust, safety, acceptance and connection before we can even begin to help them implement strategies for executive function skills effectively.

To do this, we intentionally focus on building a relationship with the person that allows them to feel successful and be seen for things they are capable of rather than just on the things they aren’t doing. We invite them to tell us about their interests and we always emphasize the importance of us knowing what is true for them. If a strategy we might offer won’t work or they have tried it before, we want to know. We always emphasize that we are problem solvers with them, not for them and our process is about discovering strategies and answers with them, not just for them. We have a toolbox of things that have worked for others, but as we say to our clients, that doesn’t mean that those strategies will work for them. We enjoy brainstorming with them about what might work, what things are getting in the way, where is the resistance and the block to doing things and developing creative solutions for how to help them identify the whats, whens, wheres, and hows for them to achieve their goals.

We have called our approach to this the B.R.A.I.N approach which stands for
Biology
Relationships
Agency
Individualizaition
Neuroplasticity

This process establishes a safe and trusting relationship where we see people as having a hard time not giving us a hard time; celebrates the little successes that will lead to big successes; gives them an opportunity to have a voice and be heard and validated for their perspective, goals, struggle, and frustrations while also keeping space for concerns, expectations of parents, a family’s values, rules and preferences. We don’t force anyone to use any particular strategy, nor shame them for not having done something; instead, we get curious about what might have gotten in the way, or what might have kept them from taking action or what ideas they have that could achieve the desired outcome or unmet expectation.

We call this process of discovery and problem-solving, Compassionate Curiosity, and it is not only what we use in our coaching, but it is also what we coach parents to use with their kids to strengthen their relationship, problem-solve together, build skills, overcome obstacles, and empower a child to meet expectations and achieve their goals.

It is through the process of getting curious that we help our clients develop self-awareness: their tendencies, their strengths, their challenges, the obstacles, things that work well, things that come naturally or easily, things that don’t work, things that might work. Through this process of self-reflection and developing self-awareness, we can then develop strategies that work with their unique brain and make it easier for them to take action repeatedly, which when done over time results in success that leads to improved confidence, self-agency, and the ability to meet expectations and accomplish their goals. In addition to empowering the person who is building new skills and achieving their goals, this process of coaching also has a positive impact on the relationship between parents/caregivers and their children, no matter their age. They go from having kids who lie, are avoidant, need constant reminders, and have non-stop battles over homework, chores, bedtime, and screentime, to talking openly about difficult situations, unmet expectations, disappointment, and being able to explore, together, possible solutions to those challenges and how to take action to overcome them.

Our coaching facilitates these outcomes by focusing on several main objectives: creating a safe space free of shame and judgment in which their experience can be shared, heard, and validated; reflecting and getting curious about the reason for these experiences and brainstorming and identifying strategies that address the root of the challenges rather than extinguishing behaviors through rewards and consequences only; celebrating mini-successes; iterating on the process and continuing to problem solve and believe in the person’s ability to be successful when the right strategies are used; normalizing the need to ask for and use help; and providing the just right level of accountability until they can do things independently. Because this process and approach is effective for people no matter their age, learning difference, stage, or goals in life, we are able to provide support to a wide range of individuals:
-Young children and their parents or caregivers who have a high level of frustration and dysregulation at home over chores, daily routines, and homework not being completed;
-Middle and high school students who aren’t doing homework, are spending too much time on video games or with friends, are avoiding school, or not showing increasing signs of independence, willingness to listen, and have increasing amounts of defiance, lying, or challenging behaviors;
-Students who are having a difficult time making a successful transition from high school to college and are failing classes, not making it to classes, but who have the desire to be there and the cognitive abilities to be successful;
-Students who are still trying to figure out what to do after high school if college didn’t work out or if they graduated from high school and haven’t been able to “launch” and are stuck at home playing video games or “hiding” in their room doing nothing;
-Adults who are having a hard time managing the demands of adult life, no matter what the reason.

There are several aspects of our coaching that makes us unique:
-Our coaching model is intentionally designed to evolve with the needs of our clients. We have no minimum number of sessions required. We also don’t have a set schedule for our coaching sessions. We intentionally allow the client’s needs and preferences to increase or decrease as is needed for that particular week. Sometimes this means that a client can be seen or communicated with on a daily basis for whatever reason that might be; to get started on an assignment, for accountability check-ins, to talk through plans for daily homework completion, etc.; or because a client is doing so well, the sessions are decreased to every other week or even monthly. We want to meet the needs of the individual and as a result, develop the plan based on the needs of the week.
-We provide in the moment, as needed coaching for those that need it. This level of support is often used by college students who get stuck writing a paper that is due the next day and need additional help that can’t wait. Sometimes this level of support is for a parent who is having a hard time with their child and they don’t, in the moment, know how to manage a certain situation. Oftentimes this coaching is not necessarily a Zoom call but comes in the form of coaching by text;
-For some clients who need a high level of support and collaboration with others, we provide what is called Coaching Case Management. This level of service involves us being a point person who brings the team together so that we are all working collaboratively towards the same goal with the client. We have found that when information from teachers, therapists, doctors, parents, and the coach and client are all shared that we have much higher levels of accountability with the client and much greater effectiveness of the coaching and other services;
-We will attend 504 and/or IEP meetings with families to support their understanding of the process of eligibility determination for services or accommodations for the student; as well as support their advocacy for them by attending meetings if needed;
-We involve parents/caregivers in coaching for all clients who are not yet financially independent, including young adults in college or who are living at home and are working towards independence, to ensure transparency and collaboration;
-For all parents or caregivers who are receiving coaching or whose children are receiving coaching, we provide access to a library of videos that provide pertinent information for understanding neurodivergence and its impact on behavior, including executive function skills, as well as communication techniques and other basic strategies they can use to support connection, collaboration, and building skills;

Challenging behaviors and unmet expectations many times are the result of lagging executive function skills or other unmet or unidentified learning differences or needs. When we use traditional parenting approaches with people who have these differences, we are asking them to do things differently without equipping them with what they need to meet our expectations. This approach results in a lot of shame, guilt, learned helplessness, anxiety, and even depression. As our name implies, we want to tame the shame, or better yet, eliminate any prospect of people feeling this shame by increasing understanding of what is at the root of the challenging behaviors and unmet expectations and providing people with the tools to meet their needs, support skill building, and empower them to meet expectations and achieve their goals. Even more than that, though, we want to be an advocate for change when it comes to understanding and supporting people with invisible brain-based differences, and we want to be a partner in problem-solving that ultimately results in boosting someone’s confidence, strengthening family relationships, building skills, and empowering lasting success.

We’d love to hear a story of resilience from your journey.

I hope that in reading the story of how I started my business, you see that resilience was at the heart of its establishment. I never gave up on finding what I needed to help my son and when I finally discovered what it was that he needed, I decided to share it with others. Thankfully, my son never gave up on me either, and he and I share a wonderful relationship now. In fact one stop along the way of his college experience was to move back home to receive the higher level of emotional support that he became aware he needed. He was home for a year and a half , received the support he needed to regain his confidence, and then returned to a college campus to continue getting his degree in Computer Science. Without understanding the importance of this different approach and the impact of executive function skills on behavior, we may not have ever developed this close, collaborative relationship, and he may never have developed the skills to be successful in college. Thanks to the discovery of the term twice-exceptional and the path it opened for us in understanding how his brain worked and what it needed to thrive, we have both been able to heal and develop new skills that have strengthened our relationship and led to new paths in life.

Have you ever had to pivot?

Starting this business required that I leave my previous career path and embrace this new career. Prior to founding 2tametheshame, Inc., I worked as a physical therapist in Early Intervention for over 15 years and then as an Executive Director for a private physical therapy practice that provided in-home chest physical therapy for patients with chronic, progressive pulmonary disease. I never imagined shifting careers because it had been such a rewarding career, but when I discovered coaching through the process of getting a coach for my son, I couldn’t help but want to shift careers. The shift wasn’t so major in reality because so many of the skills I used as a PT, I needed as a coach: establishing a relationship, taking a history, doing an evaluation, asking questions, developing goals, problem-solving, getting feedback, and identifying a treatment plan. I have always been a natural relationship builde, professionally and personally, and one of my strengths is finding information, researching, problem-solving, and a helping. All of these skills as well as the skills I learned in running the daily operations of the physical therapy practice and the experiences that I had raising my son, have informed and continue to inform my role as a coach and as a business owner. While the logistical transition itself was hard because I liked what I was doing and never anticipated switching careers, and building a business is certainly daunting and at times was overwhelming, I took it one step at a time and have never looked back. I feel very grateful and privileged to be invited into the journey of families and individuals who are struggling to figure out how to manage the uncertainty, the big emotions, the challenging behaviors, the unmet expectations, the shame, the guilt, the anxiety, and more. I have lived the journey and can empathize greatly with where they are when they come to me with their concerns, and I can say confidently that there is a way forward if are they willing to use the information, tools, and strategies to problem solve together through the current situation to what they envision. The primary difference in my role as a physical therapist compared to coach is that I use a different toolbox of strategies and “treatments” than the one that I used as a physical therapist because the work is not focused on discovering the physical impairments and obstacles limiting mobility but rather on identifying other types of obstacles that are more brain-based: self-confidence, communication, executive function skills, academic skills, and other action-oriented tasks. In both of my careers, though, my approach has always been grounded in seeing the person first, from a whole-person, strengths-based perspective, not just as a “leg injury” or “executive function disorder” but as a person with interests, skills, strengths, and challenges that can be overcome when we work together in a compassionately curious, problem-solving way.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.2tametheshame.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/2tametheshame/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/2tametheshame/
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/courtney-edman-71b712214/
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVqZPGIvUy44x7obPhpa21w
• Other: I also have a podcast called the See Me Podcast on Apple and Spotify at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/see-me/id1674266948 and https://open.spotify.com/show/2tkyFNoBXImyPkGy03cp73