We recently connected with Cora Lonning and have shared our conversation below.

Cora , looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. What did your parents do right and how has that impacted you in your life and career?

The most important thing my parents did right was vow to not “rob us of our learning.” It was painful at times to watch their children fail, to hurt, to experience the cruelties of life. Yet, they carried the burden of this pain to ensure their children had all the skills, tools, and experience they needed to be more than contributing members of society. My parents hope for their children was for them to have all they needed in order to carve out the life they wanted for themselves. This is the most important thing my parents did right, and clearly it impacted our life; and the lives of our children!
My father was a youth development consultant. Educated, trained, and experienced in the development of young people. Therefore, he had a leg up on what it took to develop his children from youth to adulthood. He also was quite intentional and consistent with his messaging and focus areas.
My father was very clear on his parental role and focus (beyond the basics of safety, food, clothing, housing). He strove to ensure his children had the skills and tools needed to become who they wanted to. This fell into four basic areas:
1) Cause and Effect.
More than just “do I understand the effect of the action/decision I am making.” Do I understand the impact my actions have on others; and the ripple effect decisions have on our future.
I remember working hard all summer picking strawberries and helping with the local harvests. I earned $400 over the entire summer. I decided I wanted a stereo system, and it cost around $350. My father asked two -three times if I was sure I wanted to use ALL of my money to buy one thing. I did. So, he took me himself to pick out the stereo. He also let me be without money throughout the coming months! Although I had the opportunity to do work to earn more, I experienced the consequences of my decision. The biggest one lacking cute clothes for school! My parents provided us a limited budget for school clothes at the beginning of the year that would provide the basics, we were responsible for budgeting those funds to get the clothes needed for school. We were able to choose between “deck” shoes or Adidas. The choice would impact what we had to spend on other clothes. This was an important lesson! We could do chores and small jobs to pay for extras, as we were all also responsible for the extras. This purchase meant very few new clothes for the new school year. He let me do it; and held me to my decision. This caused us to think through the intention and want/need behind our actions to ensure we were doing what we really wanted to do!
2) Delayed Gratification.
Whew, did my parents ever ensure these skills were highly honed! Do we know how to forego the reward today for the greater reward tomorrow? This set in motion the ability to set goals – and persevere through the challenges – to attain the accomplishments we seek! Without the ability to pursue what I want in life, I leave myself open to high levels of frustration and lower levels of empowerment (control)! The other thing delaying the reward provides is the ability to strongly attach to our values. We can forego temptation to serve the greater purpose. It also means we are less reactive to the “white noise” of our world in which we may find ourselves managed by external influences more than internal values.
I was allowed to fail miserably in a 4H show. I did not want to practice, so I goofed off the entire winter, choosing to ride trails and play horse games instead of practicing for the upcoming show. During pre-fair I got the most miserable awakening when I was awarded the “white ribbon” of failure. I cried. Riding out of the arena, I had tears of shame streaming down my face. I was a loser! There was my father. “CC, sit in these emotions for a moment and ask yourself, ‘is this who you want to be and is this how you want to show up for yourself'”? Later, at home, in a parent-child coaching conversation, he walked through with me how to change the next outcome. “What can you do today that will give you different results at Fair?” I identified the need to play less and practice more. I got super focused. Not because he told me to, but because he allowed me to experience failure and showed me the path to choosing actions that would drive a better outcome. And it did! I showed up far more prepared and earned a blue ribbon! Experiencing the different emotions between feeling successful and feeling like a failure was the life lesson I needed!
3) The Dynamics of Power.
We were taught from a very young age what it meant to give away and to keep our own power! Teaching us to experience what it means to be empowered; and the dysfunctional use of power. This created self-respect; and a strong respect for others. The expectation was to treat ourselves with respect, while expecting respect. This is basic for healthy relationships and intentional lives.
Although my parents were quite firm with their rules, they were open to discussion. We had the opportunity to plead our case and to challenge the rules. We seldom changed them, as most were pretty basic (curfew, dating, stayovers, dress codes, etc.); however, we would learn more about the WHY of the rules through the mutual respect of open discussion. This offered the opportunity to negotiate ownership and accountability. I can say for sure that this dynamic certainly attributed to my own personal comfort and preference for having those crucial conversations. I learned early on how to stay in the conversation, respectfully share my voice, and hear the purpose and intention from the other.
4) Self-awareness. The training for understanding our emotions and creating the ability to act wisely on them also began at a very young age! We were asked to explore and communicate our emotions well before 5 years of age! This has created the ability for us as adults to self-manage; and to serve our beautiful emotions well with productive choices and behaviors!
I recall being under 5 years old, and in one situation, all of these were taught and practiced.
I had left my toys spread out all over the entry way, at the base of the stairs. I was asked to pick them up and of course, I refused.
The first question my father had was, “do you remember the toy rules?”
I did.
Father: “Do you remember WHY we have these rules?”
Me: Yes, because if someone steps on my toys they could fall and get hurt.
Father: “Yes! In this house we have respect for each other and do not behave in ways that is hurtful or mean to others. Yes?”
(Cause and effect – impact on self and others)
Me (well that sure took the wind out of my resistance sails). Yes.
Father: “Great. Since you know the toy rules, then you know your choces. Either you pick up your toys, in which case you can come back in and enjoy Gunsmoke with your family (reward). Or, if you do not want to pick them up, you can choose to go to your room and miss out on dessert (consequences). Either way, as you know, if those toys are not picked up by the time I go to bed, I will pick them up and you will no longer have them. You choose.”
(dynamics of power-how will I respect myself and others; and empowerment through accountability)
Me: I don’t want to do it.
Father: “Ok.. Well, you know what that that decision means.
Me: I STOMP off upstairs to go to my room. I cry. I bang on the floor. No response.
I go down and ask if I can come watch TV.
Father: “CC. You know the rules. Make your own decision. I am not making it for you” ”
Me: I just don’t feel like picking up all those toys, there are so many. I am missing out on Gunsmoke right now.
Father: You get to honor those feelings. If picking them up is too much effort, then go back to your room. If you really want to come watch the show with us, then you know what you need to do. Your feelings. Your choice.
(Self Knowledge- understand the emotion; and HOW to act wisely on it! Where is it coming from, what will happen?)
Me: I go in the other room and quietly pick up all my toys.
Me: Crawl up on my father’s lap and watch Gunsmoke.
No power struggles. No battle. Just one 4-year-old trying her best to manage those complex emotions that can contradict each other!
My parents were highly vested in ensuring their children had the skills they needed to become the adults they wanted to be. Though it can be frustrating, time consuming, and painful at times, they were always focused more on the end goal than on the behavior of the day.
I am deeply grateful for the tools, knowledge, and skills I was given as a child, as it has made all the difference for me as an adult. More. Having owned each and every one of my childhood lessons, I had less to go through as an adult!

Cora , love having you share your insights with us. Before we ask you more questions, maybe you can take a moment to introduce yourself to our readers who might have missed our earlier conversations?

Having grown up observing the power of development, it is no surprise I am a learning professional today! Growing up, I observed young people that, given the life cards they had been dealt, were on course for becoming a cog in the wheel of social services. Through learning they were able to take charge of their lives to become who they aspired to. Not what they had been set up to be. This powerful experience led me to naturally place a high value on learning, courage, and personal development. It truly is the game changer and why I share information, knowledge, and tools with reckless abandon!
My MBA in Organizational Development, along with over 25 years of experience as a consultant, brings the insight needed to be a thought partner with clients. Together, we create talent strategies designed to execute on the organizational strategic plan, values, and key goals.
A BA in Adult Learning Theory (T&D) backs up my coaching experience with theory. As a coach, I was brought up by one of the best coaches I know. Providing me the opportunity to experience developmental theory from the very beginning; and certainly, to put it to use! My coaching is client centered, goal focused, and outcome based.
Development is best when applied in and for real world application. As I have been quoted, “don’t take the horse to the trainer to solve the problem, take the trainer to the rider.” Working with leaders to identify pain points and challenges, we work together to resolve root causes throughout the organization; and craft plans to address that. Coachees experience assignments and skill development specific to their environment, leadership, and goals.

Any advice for managing a team?

As a consultant that specializes in values-driven cultures, I would have to say first and foremost, be clear on the purpose-the why- and be specific to the values. Values and purpose have the ability to remain constant and to be above reproach. Humans, on the other hand, are fallible. We have good days and bad days and can send different messages based on our internal emotional experience. Agreeing on the purpose of what we are doing and how we will treat each other in the process (values) creates safety. I once led a team in an incredibly stressful environment in which the priorities were changing daily, with outcome demands completely unattainable. We landed on a solid purpose; “our role in the organization was to provide the information needed for each individual to be able to be successful in their role.”
We were tasked with creating and facilitating a “customer service bootcamp.” Of course, the processes and work arounds changed daily. The expectations were all over the board. Anyone else ever experienced this environment?
We would be working hard all week in preparation for the bootcamp day to be impactful. Late afternoon, the day before, we would get changes and demands. The team would get so frustrated. Why? Because what they really wanted to do was do a good job. An environment that does not allow for that creates frustration! So, we would daily ground in purpose. Instead of, “do we have all the hand outs and the deck we need for an exceptional workshop?” We moved to, “what do our learners need from us to be effective in their role?”
We dumped handouts, we dumped PP decks. We coached and developed SMEs to come in and facilitate so we could co-create case studies and diagnostic approaches. This got us away from delivering outdated material, taught the learners how to adjust to the changing environment, and engaged the SMEs in a positive way. Oh, and we threw in some fun competitions!
This created the opportunity for the team to move out of that place of frustration and into one of productivity; and to connect more with the purpose than daily tasks and outcomes.

Have you ever had to pivot?

So many times!!! The world is an ever-changing place; and given my work is in support services, I have had to pivot many times to adapt to the demands of the current environment. In most of the RIFs and layoffs I have been a part of, the indicators were there to predict the coming change. This allowed me to plan my exit strategy and negotiate with either my direct supervisor or HR. This approach has served me well! If the environment is not conducive for open negotiations, then I simply created my own plan B.
I believe perception and mindset play an important part in how we pivot. For example, I have spent the majority of my career as a self-employed entrepreneur. Therefore, I am confident in my ability to create my own income. In fact, there have been internal roles I have held that created angst because it felt like someone else was in control of my income and progression. This is atypical!
A great example of an important pivot was when I owned a restaurant in the downtown area. Market conditions changed significantly, causing an 80% decrease in immediate revenue. In evaluating the landscape of the changing downtown, I knew I had choices. One, ride the turbulence for the better future (heavy construction and abandoned buildings to build new hotels and shops). I calculated this would mean that approximately 2K a month would come out of my household income. I would have to support that business for 2 years in order to see a (potential) profit in the future. I chose to close the restaurant and negotiate with the franchiser while the business was still making money, everyone could be paid, and we were able to do it on our terms.
This example reminds me of how often we hear messaging around, “Never quit!” “Don’t give up on your dreams!” Another common one, “it always seems impossible until it is done.” I disagree. An effective pivot means we have the capacity to evaluate the situation objectively and realistically. If it is worth staying in and doing the work – do it! However, if the numbers do not work, they do not work.
Kenny Rogers said it best, “Ya gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run!”

Contact Info:

• Website: www.coachcora.com
• Facebook: www.facebook.com/coachchora
• Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/coachchora
• Twitter: @coachora

Image Credits
I own all images.