Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Colby Bruner. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.
Colby, thanks for taking the time to share your story with us today. Have you ever experienced a time when your entire field felt like it was taking a U-Turn?
We’re in a really exciting time in the evolution of the mental health field as both millennial and gen-z therapists begin to launch their careers pre- and post-quarantine. At the same time, the stigma around mental health is substantially decreasing and it’s becoming more normalized to talk about the things we all struggle with and it’s getting easier to ask for support from a therapist.
I was in my last semester of grad school when COVID-19 hit, and we had to scramble to figure out all of the logistical pieces of switching our in-person clients to virtual therapy. Like many other therapists, I found that I enjoyed telehealth more because it broadened access to therapy and my clients didn’t need to live in my city in order to access gender-affirming or queer-affirming care. Quarantine shifted a lot of pieces in the mental health field that had (and still have), honestly, felt like they were stuck in the 1970s; and while individual therapists have adjusted well to this U-Turn —taking to social media and using technology to enhance their platform— the field as a whole has been slow to adjust. While many are tirelessly working towards therapist multi-state licensure compacts similar to those available for nurses and psychologists (which would make choosing the right therapist for you so much easier and less dependent on where you live), it’s still unclear whether this will be something that happens in the near future.
From TikTok to Instagram and Facebook, folx are starting to share their stories around their personal struggles with both their mental health, their interpersonal relationships, and the impact of societal oppression/trauma. Social media is not only an outlet for people to connect with shared struggles, but also an avenue for therapists to connect with folx who have limited access to care. If multi-state licensure compacts were made available for Marriage and Family Therapists, Social Workers, or Licensed Professional Counselors, finding a therapist could be as simple as finding one on your “For You” page you resonate with.
What we’re seeing is that clients are responding more to therapists who show up authentically, which is a strength of the newer generations of therapists entering the field. For my community, the queer community, authenticity is something we’ve had to fight tooth and nail for, often at great personal cost within meaningful relationships. And, as a queer therapist, showing up authentically often feels at odds with how the field has trained therapists to be a “blank slate.”
While it’s hard to find that balance of maintaining professionalism/ethical care and showing up authentically, millennial and gen z therapists are making it work by still centering and empowering our clients’ voices.
I think there is a lot of anxiety by the older generations of therapists around this idea of authenticity and that’s super valid. They’re right to be cautious of the uses of self-disclosure, professional/personal boundaries, and dual relationships. These are pillars within what it means to provide ethical care to our clients. And, I argue that both ethical care and authenticity can exist in the same space. But what does this actually look like?
A short answer would be: that’s up for each therapist to decide for themselves and to explore in supervision/consultation. There is no right/wrong answer to this question (aside from very extreme circumstances that violate each profession’s code of ethics, such as dual relationships or when the client is being harmed).
A much longer answer, which would be more indicative of my subjective life experience and perspective, is that my role as a therapist is to be a human in human relationships. It often makes life weird outside of the therapy room, because, at the end of the day, I’m a messy, imperfect human, too; I share many similar struggles that my clients do. And let me tell you, I have had to think long and hard about how I show up in friendships and relationships differently from how I show up with my clients. It’s not like a light switch I can just turn on and off; how I navigate this is by letting myself be seen and take up more space in my non-therapy relationships. I try to put my own advice to work and let myself have and advocate for my needs to be met. I’m so grateful for my chosen family who accept me, even when I show them how messy of a human I actually am. I also try to let my guard down and actually accept care from them when life throws me curveballs.
In many ways, my goal is to provide my clients with secure attachment and offer a safe relationship for them to exist, be seen, and process everything including: last night’s hookup, identity formation/coming out, navigating dating and queer relationships, and the impact of societal oppression and how that affects our mental health and how we show up for our people. I see this as different from my non-therapy relationships because with my clients: I’m limiting my use of self-disclosure in an attempt to empower and honor their voices and recognize that this work is about them; I’m creating treatment plans and identifying strategic interventions to help them achieve their goals; I’m “zoomed in” and much more aware of how their energy shifts in reaction or response to a particular intervention or thing that I’ve said. My job is to care for other humans and to set aside my ego and recognize that it isn’t a client’s job to care for me in session. I also try to “reset” at the end of the day through routines/rituals to signal to my brain that I’m out of therapist mode.
I’m really excited to see how social media, technology, and life post-quarantine continue to change and shape the field of mental health. I think we’re in for some really exciting changes to the field as a whole.
As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that, can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your background and context?
My path to becoming a therapist started when I was a closeted 16-year-old who desperately made a call to a number on a business card handed to me by my sister. I was terrified to hit the call button, and almost didn’t several times. Through tears, I did call and set up my first appointment and my first therapist was the first person to save my life. All because she accepted me and showed me love, despite the overwhelming shame I felt at the time.
I didn’t always want to be a therapist. In fact, I kinda stumbled into this career…
I was a 20-something former English major working at a call center when I decided I wanted to feel more fulfilled by my life and by my career. I had been working with my current therapist for a few months when I decided to pursue grad school in English Lit (I know you’re probably confused, but the good part is coming!). I had wonderful plans on becoming a rad English Lit professor, much like the ones I so admired (I was definitely that queer kid who stayed behind and talked to the English teacher after class). You see, stories were always my escape. The characters in books, movies and TV shows were always there for me when I felt alone. Stories were full of possibilities. They were full of wonderfully quirky characters who made me smile, laugh, or cry. Stories filled me with hope when I felt utterly hopeless. Writing gave me a voice when I believed mine didn’t matter.
Cut to a year into my Masters in English Literature- Cultural Studies: I was in one of the worst headspaces of my life and getting through each day alive was a challenge. My scholarship on intersectional, queer relational structures excited me and I was so incredibly passionate about my work and the classes I was taking. I found a passion in teaching that I had never experienced before. I could be so incredibly depressed, but the moment my hand touched the doorknob of my classroom… my depression disappeared for the next 75 minutes. I learned that being in front of the classroom, teaching students about gender, race, sexuality, and socioeconomic class was everything. But something still wasn’t right. Even though I was taking my antidepressants as prescribed, I still felt empty. I still felt alone. I still felt like something was missing.
With my therapist’s encouragement, I went to an information night at the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Friends University and it was there that I found hope. While it wasn’t an easy road for me (being a very liberal, very queer and gender-fluid person in a private Christian University…), it was the path that brought me here today. Becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. It showed me that there is so much more to life than keeping my head down, hiding behind pages of books. It showed me that now I get to be the one, carrying the torch, accepting clients when they come out and showing them unconditional love. It showed me that there is so much pain in this world and yet, so much freaking hope that things can be different one day. It might not feel like things can be better right now… but give it time. Please give it time. It won’t always feel this overwhelming.
After I graduated from Friends University, I went on to become a case manager at an eating disorder clinic where I had done my internship and worked as a behavioral health specialist. This was such a foundational landmark on my journey as I was able to lead between seven to ten therapy groups per week focused on everything from shame to family systems to identity formation. It allowed me to reclaim my love of teaching and once again, step in front of the classroom and get folx excited about learning something new.
It was a hard decision to make, going into private practice and leaving teaching behind once again. I launched my practice, KC Character Development, in January of 2021. I took my first client in March and went full-time in May. When I designed my practice, I wanted to make sure that it was centered within the queer community and that my services were charged using an anti-oppression scale, charging more for folx who have more socioeconomic privilege so that I could also provide services for those who could not otherwise afford private-pay therapy.
It’s an honor to do this work exclusively within the queer community; it’s a wonderful little bubble of queerness filled with all the rainbows, sparkles, and unicorns. Don’t get me wrong, the work isn’t always easy, but I’m so incredibly passionate about helping my clients better their relationships with themselves, their mental health, and important others in their life.
For the last three years, I’ve been invited back to teach at my alma matter on how to create safety for queer clients in the therapy room. Each year, I am so incredibly impressed by the willingness and openness of these new Marriage and Family Therapy students to learn a little about our community and our needs within therapy.
My special interests include: working with queer clients who struggle with depression, OCD, and/or suicidal ideation; creating chosen families and/or helping friends overcome difficult obstacles in their queer platonic relationships; navigating romantic relational structures (everything from monogamy to polyamory and anything in between); walking clients through identity-formation and creating a safe space for them to process histories of relational injury.
You don’t have to be a total story nerd like me to schedule a session! At the end of the day, I am a nerd and I will totally geek out with you on your passions and we’ll use those to frame our discussions around your mental health. But, fair warning, I use a lot of metaphors!
I do this work in honor of the lost generation. The generation of queer folx who were tragically lost during the AIDS epidemic because of systemic heterosexism and political figures who made their careers by spreading their hatred for our community. Had this generation not been lost (they will never be forgotten), my generation and those that follow would have had more representation and more progress could have been made in fighting heterosexism, ending conversion therapy, and obtaining more legal rights and societal acceptance. More lives could have been spared and those members of our community we have lost (whether from murder or suicide) might still be alive. I hope to be that representation to all the scared, closeted queer folx. I made my practice as gay as possible (rainbow logo included) in an attempt to show others that it’s safe to come out… that you don’t have to hide… that the yellow brick road is full of everything… including possibilities.
Putting training and knowledge aside, what else do you think really matters in terms of succeeding in your field?
We spent so much time in grad school deciphering and identifying how we wanted to show up in the “role of the therapist; while this is such meaningful work, it’s also important to identify what your role as human is first. When you’re in private practice doing all telehealth sessions, there will be days that you’ve only been in therapist mode (even after you log out of your last session). And sometimes, it’s easy to forget that you’re not everyone’s therapist. It’s easy to forget how to just be a human, a friend, a partner, a child or sibling.
Trying to show up as a therapist in friendships, romantic relationships, and with your family can be fraught with disaster. There may be times when you unconsciously are put into that role with them. There may be times when you’re “too much of a therapist” or “not enough” of one. Give yourself so much grace and self-care as you learn how to show up authentically. Let yourself take up space and let your needs be seen by the people in your non-work life. Set boundaries with others, and if you need to, stop telling every stranger you meet that you’re a therapist (I dunno, maybe say you’re an accountant?). Let go of having to be in control of all the relationships and open yourself up to all of the possibilities that life has to offer you, as well.
Don’t be afraid to let your personality shine. Put aside what you think a therapist should look and sound like. Stop trying to be someone that you’re not. In school, we were encouraged to put ourselves in the shoes of the therapists who developed popular modalities (ie. How would Richard Schwartz, Michael White, or Insoo Kim Berg show up in this situation?). But the truth is, you aren’t those theorists or any other therapist you admire. You will never be (even you purists out there). You have your own unique life experiences that shape your relationship with those therapy models. Start asking yourself what your own flavor of therapy is, what your own relationship to reality is.
To be successful in this career, you must first do the work you ask your clients to do. As one of my professors always said, “you can only take your clients as far as you’ve gone yourself.” And, at the same time, you need to set aside your own ego and recognize that your work with your clients isn’t about you; your clients aren’t there to care for, educate, or heal you. While some of the stuff clients bring in hits especially close to home, and you may find yourself saying things that you needed to hear yourself, you have to recognize and be aware of when your own parts are getting in the way of a client’s progress. Long story short: do your own therapy and learn what it’s like to be a client.
But most of all, find those people who can care for you. Build your own chosen family. Let yourself be seen, loved, and cared for by others (even if that has to start by seeing, loving, and caring for yourself). We can’t do this work in isolation, all that does is lead to burn out and poor client experiences. You’re a human first and if you aren’t caring for yourself, you have less to bring to the table for your clients. Also, don’t expect yourself to bring 120% to every session. There will be days that you can give maybe 50% and that’s good enough. Trust in your client’s ability to do the work; it doesn’t all fall on your shoulders. Take the pressure off of yourself to be “successful” or the “perfect therapist.” Let yourself be “good enough” and trust in your ability to show up and provide care for the wonderful humans you work with.
At the end of the day, self-worth isn’t earned by proving how good of a therapist you are. It’s not earned by how many hours you work each week or how many books you read or what specialized training you’ve done. Self-worth isn’t earned. Self-worth is something we give ourselves, not because we’ve earned it, but because, as humans, we are inherently worthy of love, care, connection and endless possibilities.
Do you think you’d choose a different profession or specialty if you were starting now?
There are times when I feel like my values are closer to those of a Social Worker. I definitely considered Social Work when I was leaving English Lit. But my passions have always been centered in relationship and becoming an LMFT let me focus on, specialize in, and better understand the formation and functioning of relationships. It let me translate my scholarship in English Lit to real-world applications. Will I always be a therapist? I dunno. But I am one right now. Who knows, maybe in 10 yrs I’ll be doing something else that’s rad!
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.kccharacterdevelopment.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kccharacterdevelopment/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KcCharacterDevelopment/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/colby-bruner-619a64170
Image Credits
KC Character Development, LLC Colby Bruner, LMFT