We recently connected with Cedar Worth and have shared our conversation below.
Alright, Cedar thanks for taking the time to share your stories and insights with us today. Can you talk to us about a project that’s meant a lot to you?
The most meaningful project I’ve worked on is actually the work I’m creating right now. I’ve recently been focusing on letting go of my attachment to the outcome and how my work will be perceived, as that is truly out of our control anyways. This has allowed me to get excited, play, and experiment within my art. What I’m working on now is a project centered around portals. I’ve been taking old objects, specifically mirrors, and turning them into these mossy forest portals that light up. I engrave the mirror itself, so that the etching lasts forever, and then incorporate a variety of natural elements. A lot of the natural elements that I incorporate such as sticks, stones, bones, acorns, etc. are found by me, and the process is incredibly intentional.
One of my favorite things to do is to spend the day out in the woods. I have a favorite spot, and have actually never even made it to the trailhead to walk the trail. As I’m driving through the wooded area, I always see something that excites me; whether its a creek, a log covered in tiny mushrooms, or an upturned tree. I’m pretty particular with what I feel comfortable collecting to use in my work, and while it might sound strange to some, I go off of how I feel, and will ask permission. I have found things, such as a red-tailed hawk feather, and even sometimes “just” a rock, and when I ask for permission and feel the answer is no, I leave it. Not being given permission can be a feeling, it can be hearing the answer, or it could be the rock stuck in the mud; resisting coming with me. The red-tailed hawk feather in particular is a memory that stands out. I was having a really difficult day and had asked for a sign; something to reassure me that I’m headed in the right direction, and that all of the work that I’m doing in EMDR therapy will pay off. I looked down and saw the feather and was kinda like “…. no way….” When I picked it up I could feel that I was meant to find the feather, but it was not mine to keep, so I left it there with my favorite tree.
I often am shocked when I ask the universe or spirit for something and then I receive it. I’m in love with birds in general, but red-tailed hawks are my #1 favorite bird and are really special to me. When I say that I ask for permission, it’s not always a thought out question formed into words in my head or spoken aloud— it really is an ongoing conversation if that makes sense. As I’m typing this I’m realizing that this may not be something everyone does, and some folks might think this ongoing conversation is strange. The connection doesn’t end when I leave the woods, but It does feel much stronger when I’m alone and am able to be myself and be in awe of the tiny things without worrying if I seem silly. Reciprocity is also important to me and I’ll often take a bag out into the woods to collect trash. I’m very excited to learn about invasive species, as I know removing those is a great way to help the environment as well.
What feels so special about this project is the transformative element; getting to play and create something I love, and then seeing my own reflection within it, as my art is an extension of me. I’m so proud of the work that I’m creating right now. I feel like I am allowing myself to create from my heart while holding the fear that nothing may come of it. I am so so so so grateful that I have the ability to explore currently.
For context, I’m 24 and moved back in with my dad a bit over a year ago, after hitting my lowest low, my body kinda super sorta gave out on me. I wasn’t taking care of myself and it said “hey silly goose you NEED to slow down”. I don’t know where I would be without my dad’s support through all of this. I explain my circumstances a bit more in depth in the question about resilience, but I am truly so privileged to have the room to get back on my feet and figure out what I want to do.
As an artist who immediately started a business off of a new craft in the beginning of the pandemic, I have instilled this belief within myself that whatever I’m creating has to get me closer to where I want to be in life and has to financially support me, or be the art form that I create forever and ever. Often this belief prevents me from even creating in the first place. It puts an incredible amount of weight on whatever I want to do- whether that be crafting a pair of earrings, cutting and pasting images and words to create an emotional collage, writing a poem that feels like I’m bearing my soul, or even just pouring a single candle.
This project feels different. In a way it feels like stepping into a portal or into a new timeline- rediscovering myself, looking back on the past with compassion, and reaching through the portal with hope for the future. Currently, my only hope for this project is that through creating work that helps me feel seen and what helps me feel all of the big feelings swirling around in my body; somebody out there will feel seen or see a part of themself within my work. Whether that is staring into their literal reflection in one of my mirrors, reflecting on the interconnectedness of us all, an ache in their chest, or simply a spark of joy.
Cedar, before we move on to more of these sorts of questions, can you take some time to bring our readers up to speed on you and what you do?
My name is Cedar Worth- I’m a transmasc (he/they) interdisciplinary artist based in Madison, WI. Writing about myself and my work is challenging, as I fear I wont properly communicate who I am or what I do. One of the main reasons I create is to express myself and communicate a feeling or idea. What I love about my art, is that it grows and changes alongside me. I find it difficult to participate in “hustle” culture or stick to a “niche”, and when I’ve tried to do that in the past it hasn’t felt authentic or sustainable.
As a chronically ill, late diagnosed autistic adult with ADHD, I find it helpful to allow myself to be fluid. I am much happier (and probably more “productive”) when I bounce from piece to piece and allow myself to gravitate towards what feels good.
Lately I tend to lean towards creating mossy magical forest portal mirrors, as discussed in the section regarding my most meaningful project to date. I am currently open for commissions on the mirrors, as well as glass etching, collaging, and jewelry making; if I feel the request is up my alley.
Crafting earrings that are centered around natural elements, such as crystals/stones, animal bones, and teeth is the main product that has stuck with me throughout the years. I have always loved going out into the woods and finding bones, and back in 2020 my dad would take me on a lot of drives through the countryside. These drives meant a lot to me, as similarly to many, 2020 was filled with quite a bit of isolation and mental health struggles. It was a great way to get out of the house, and also a great way to look for bones on the side of the road.
Alongside Jewelry making, I also love to collage on canvases, trinket tins, old pill bottles, and anything else I can repurpose. Incorporating and repurposing found and thrifted items has always been a big part of my business. I think there’s something so magical about bringing something that would typically be discarded back to life. It’s also important- I love seeing other businesses focus on sustainability or source what they can locally.
I enjoy drawing and have been having so much fun using procreate on my Ipad lately. I’m greatly inspired by nature and my spiritual practices, but also love to just doodle and see where it takes me. Drawing, as well as collaging, is something that is very soothing. I love stippling, and seeing all of the little dots is incredibly satisfying, as is cutting out images and the less structured process of collaging.
I love to write, though sharing it is still something new. Throughout my entire life I have been a thinker; my head is almost always filled with a million thoughts. I find that when I write, it helps put those thoughts or feelings into something physical, so that I no longer feel like I have to keep ruminating about certain things over and over, trying to figure them out or intellectualize all of my feelings. It is deeply impactful when others resonate with my words, as I feel most vulnerable when I share myself in written form.
P.S. this is the first written interview I’ve ever done and It’s terrifying lol. Not actually, I mean… it kinda is, as I haven’t really talked online in depth about my past, except for when it was currently happening and I was in crisis and trauma dumping on the internet. Being vulnerable and expressing myself in writing, in a thought out or intentional way feels intimidating and a little scary, but also incredibly liberating. Thank you so much for this opportunity Aaron. I want you to know that the door to communication is open, and If any of this is too much to share or you’d like me to answer a different question, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I don’t know how much writing is an appropriate amount or how long my answers should be, and I trust your creative direction to cut stuff and all of that jazz.
We’d love to hear a story of resilience from your journey.
From the beginning of 2017 to the beginning of 2024 my life was tumultuous. When I was 17 and still in high school, things began to spiral downwards, and it felt like one thing was leading to the next– and this really wouldn’t stop until I hit rock bottom in 2023. I was underage and “dating” a 38 year old despite not one, not two, but three different therapists knowing; I started drinking and smoking; lost my close knit group of friends; was navigating a messy home life with an alcoholic parent; was barely in school, and when I was, I was flooded with anxiety; and like many teenagers, I felt so out of place and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and oftentimes wished that I didn’t have one. I was honestly just desperate to leave Wisconsin at that point and ended up driving across the country and taking a job in Glacier National Park, shortly after graduating high school.
The job ended up not being what I thought it was, and looking back I was not ready to be on my own. Instead of moving back to Wisconsin, I moved into an open room that a coworker from Glacier had in Missoula, MT. Believe it or not, when you run away from all of your problems, they don’t just go away (who woulda thought). This period of my life was also rocky and I lacked the skills to communicate or show up for the people I loved, including myself, in the ways that I wish I would have been able to. Though the lessons this time taught me would take years for me to even begin processing, my time in Missoula laid the groundwork for much of my current life. I feel that some of the people I met during this time really changed the trajectory of my life and the way I interact with others. I don’t know where I would be without their vulnerability, understanding, and care. During this time I came out as non-binary and changed my name, I explored music, I made my first zine, had my first table at a show to sell my work, and I taught myself how to tattoo. Through tattooing I realized how much I love connection through art. I’m so grateful for clients gifting me their trust, as well as all of the impactful conversations I’d get to have. I moved back to Wisconsin right before the pandemic hit, and that was pretty much the end of me tattooing; which lead to starting my business making candles and jewelry.
The first year of owning my business was incredibly successful; I had my own website, I sold my candles and jewelry in multiple storefronts, and I vended at markets and pop-ups. I don’t remember what all exactly changed; I know that I had a lot of ineffective coping strategies and struggled with impulsivity. I thought that I was incredibly self-aware, but in hindsight I lacked accountability and was incredibly egocentric. Things really started spiraling again after a traumatic event in the fall of 2021. To this day I struggle to talk about this topic, not because of my inability to be open or reflect, but because I’m deeply scared that my openness will trigger or harm someone. I haven’t completely figured out how to navigate all of this, but feel being open about it is important. This event was, at the time, the “worst” time that I had been SA’d. Worst is in quotations as I feel when you are constantly adapting to a new reality after traumatic events, you get kinda numb and in my experience, certain things that others would be shocked by, became normal and in a twisted way there is almost a ranking or hierarchy in my mind of the “worst” or “big” events that I’ve experienced. It wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to me, and it unfortunately wouldn’t be the last either. The next couple of years were pretty intense- I sought out help and was in residential treatment for my mental health multiple times. The programs were intensive and I learned so much, yet would come out after a month or so, and fall right back to where I was before. It was constant instability; ups and downs and all arounds, but I think what really changed things was hitting rock bottom. I was living in Portland, Oregon, and my health had gotten so bad that I could barely walk. I was making many choices that I wouldn’t have made today. My body rapidly declined as did my mental health, and I left Portland without even selling my bed as I could barely pack up my car, or turn my head to check the side mirrors while driving back home to Wisconsin.
This was a gigantic turning point for me. When I got home I made more changes in my life than I can possibly count. The ones with the biggest impact being; going gluten free; consistency on my medications; communicating and upholding healthy boundaries; weekly therapy; receiving my AuDHD diagnosis; no sex/dating; getting back into art; physical therapy; and treatment for my chronic illnesses. I have spent the last year and a half unlearning and simultaneously learning so much. Understanding my AuDHD (Autism and ADHD) diagnosis not only helped me make accommodations in my daily life, but helped me to make sense of my past in many ways. During my time in Missoula, I had been misdiagnosed as having BPD and Bipolar II disorder, and the following years would become trying what felt like every antipsychotic and mood stabilizer medication which ultimately made things worse. BPD is a common misdiagnosis in autistics, especially for folks who are AFAB.
When you ask for a story from my journey that illustrates my resilience, this is what comes to mind– but in all truthfulness, I think the real resilience is my deep desire to to be heard, seen, and held; even though that is also my deepest fear. I find resilience in my ability to feel the ache in my chest and open my heart regardless, I see resilience within my love for the world, in all of its complexity and chaos.
I recently wrote:
What hurts the most wasn’t my face pressed against the cold hard tile,
the itchy wool blanket beneath my elbows,
or my knees constantly slipping out from under me.
It wasn’t the way they rolled my body over
when I was frozen and couldn’t move,
It wasn’t the excruciating pain of hearing my own voice
go unheard
over and over again,
It wasn’t how they sang to me
and watched me,
as I washed my body clean.
What hurts the most was having my face pressed against the cold hard tile,
and finding a little light within my darkest moment—
gasping as a tiny spider scurried under the dresser right in front of me.
The pure joy that I felt in that moment,
the immense desire to scoop the tiny spider up
with my own two hands
and tell him how incredible he is,
how in awe I am
of the way his little legs carry him
so far, so fast.
Oh, what a gift
to love deeply,
to find beauty in the arachnids eight legs,
Oh, how It hurts
to love deeply,
to wish this stranger found beauty in me—-
and sometimes I wish I didn’t feel so much,
to not have to keep going
with an ache in my chest,
but I now know
that it’s not a desire to numb,
but a desire to be scooped up,
with my own two hands
and tell myself how incredible I am.
how in awe I am
of the way my legs have carried me
so far, steadfast,
Oh, what a gift
to love deeply,
to find beauty within it all.
Is there a particular goal or mission driving your creative journey?
I want to hold others within my work. The driving force has always been connection– I love vending at markets and meeting new people, and getting to hear little snippets into their life. But recently, and honestly for a long time, I’ve been feeling like that isn’t as deeply satisfying as I’d like it to be. I still enjoy making jewelry, yet I crave something deeper. What I love about being a creative is the connection and reflection, the interconnectedness of us all. I think making jewelry has opened that door for me and has helped to show me that those are the things that I am looking for. As I write this I feel that If I could just crank out some earrings I’d have the funds I need to exist, yet I’m struggling to do so. I feel I have so much within me that’s waiting to be expressed in ways that I can’t even imagine yet.
The dream is to be focused on curating and creating immersive experiences. I want others to be able to see parts of themselves; past, future, or present; within my work. If I could help someone move through difficulty or reach through the portal and find compassion for themself, I think that might be it. When I think about changing the trajectory of others lives for the better I start to tear up and my whole body feels weird; I know that this is my goal, yet there’s a part of me that’s like “how the heck am I going to get there?” — I love working with others and am 100% seeking collaboration. I think it’s weird because I’m wanting to step into something that I’ve never really done before. I don’t have a portfolio for this kind of work yet, and in a way, seeking collaboration feels like asking someone to take a chance on me– and that feels scary. Yet, that’s a part of my mission as well; to be vulnerable, to move through fear & to accept good things when they come instead of telling myself I’m unworthy. You know that feeling you get when someone holds space for you, or when they resonate with your story? When you both realize you’re not alone in what you felt so isolated within? I want to help curate that. I want to lift and amplify others voices and experiences. I want to tell stories. I dream of collaborative full sensory experiences, with ambient lighting and sound; where it’s essentially stepping into a portal, even if just for a second. We’re living in an incredibly divided world, in turbulent times, where often it feels like the divide is just getting bigger and bigger, and I question my place within it all. I want to feel connected and like I belong, and my hope is to help others feel that way as well.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: my instagram and threads : @spirit.root
- Other: Cara: https://cara.app/cedarworth
Image Credits
Eli Rittenhouse