Yes! There was a defining moment that changed my entire life trajectory! We’ve all heard the cliché advice that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It’s true to some extent. Unfortunately, the sentiment puts too much of the focus on the repetitive actions that a person is doing with no regard to how a person is thinking, and that is where it’s power falls short.

When I heard that expression for the first time, I’ll admit, it convicted me. Back then, I had one basic goal in my life and that was to experience real, true, epic romantic love….or as I used to say…”to find someone who will love me as much as I love them.” From the age of 15 to the age of 44, nearly 3 decades, I was in a state of innocent ego-driven desperation, trying to absorb value from the status of those around me, one failed relationship after another, meeting guys in the same places, doing the same activities, hanging out in the same circles year after year somehow expecting that miraculously one day, I would meet my ideal mate and true love would find me. The years and the broken hearts began to take their toll on me. A well-meaning male friend told me one day what a great person I was but since I was getting older, I needed to think about just picking someone and settling because the older I got, the
fewer quality men would be available to me. I was told by 2 other well-meaning male-friends on different occasions that they were sure I would feel a lot better if I could just lose a few pounds.

Are you angry yet? Because I sure was. I rejected those viewpoints with ferocity. That anger fueled the fire that I needed to get up off of my slightly overweight butt and make a change in my life once and for all. It turned my desperation into determination. Right around this time, my great epiphany moment occurred while sitting on the outdoor patio of a well-known Las Vegas rock music venue having a drink with an out-of-town friend. This friend was a very unique and eccentric individual, extremely wealthy, pretty face, talented and smart but he adorned himself in such an unattractive way with full heavy metal attire. He was covered in tattoos, had long, stringy shoe- polish-black hair, wore black t-shirts with skulls on them and baggy cropped cargo pants with combat boots. Some women may find this attractive. Unfortunately for him, the high value women he was seeking wouldn’t give him the time of day and he only attracted very damaged women with lots of problems, drama, addictions and baggage who used him for his money. While speaking to him about his woes, my own answer became so clear, it was like I was looking in the mirror throughout the entire conversation!! On the inside, I was a deeply spiritual, quiet, peaceful, earthy girl with conservative values who loved antiques, sunflowers, fine dining and bluesy guitar music. On the outside, however, I looked exactly like Lily Munster. Much like my friend, I too, was a false advertiser. In that moment of truth, I thought I finally understood why I attracted all the wrong men. My exterior did not match my interior and that realization blew my mind. However, that was only a fraction of the answer.

I immediately began to change my image from head to toe so that it would more authentically reflect who I felt myself to be on the inside. Bye-bye Lily Munster, hello Sofia Loren! I stopped hanging out at heavy metal concerts and rock bars where all my friends were and started going out alone to music and community events that reflected my personal tastes better. I deleted people from social media who I no longer wanted to be associated with. I went to churches and salt room meditations. I began grocery shopping in a different neighborhood. So here I was, winning the overachiever’s award for employing what I learned from the simple concept of “you have to do different things if you want different results,” but surprisingly, the results I got were not very different at all. They certainly weren’t the results I had hoped and prayed for. And there I was, alone with my fierce authenticity. I did not get a single date nor did I make even one new friend throughout the entire year that I spent in this mindset. Not one!!

Mindset. That was the key. I am here to tell you that you can do everything differently and still get the exact same results because it’s NOT just about what you do, it’s about how you think!! I had done all that external transformation but very little had changed with my mindset. Essentially, the only thing that really changed was that I was feeling a little higher and mightier than the friends I had left behind and I carried that arrogant mindset into these new places which made me seem cold and unapproachable and therefore produced my lonely result. What a hard lesson to learn! That huge external shift was simply not enough. The feeling of desperation came back worse than ever and I was convinced that there was something terribly wrong with me. I needed help. After watching several inspirational and motivational speakers on YouTube, I was compelled to seek the assistance of a life coach. I learned that an internal mindset shift was the magical missing piece and the most important part of the formula! I spent the next 2 years healing childhood emotional wounds, forgiving people, reading self-help books, meditating & praying, gaining laser sharp clarity about how I wanted to show up in the world, understanding what values I could bring to a love relationship and deciding what qualities my ideal partner would need to have to blend with my personality and lifestyle. I became truly confident and happy with myself. I decided I wanted to help others learn what I learned so I enrolled in a life coaching academy.

Then, on a random cold day in January when I least expected it, I found myself back at that old rock music venue where I’d had the life-changing conversation with my heavy metal friend. As I walked across the room, I had a love at first sight moment, or perhaps it was a moment of soul recognition, an extreme magnetic pull of attraction to a beautiful stranger sitting on a barstool alone. A friend gave me an introduction and that beautiful stranger has since become my husband, my world, the one true, epic romantic love I had been searching decades for. It still makes me laugh to think that we met at the place I once thought I was too good for. Oh, the irony!

After taking this long and difficult journey to love, it has become my passion and mission to help women understand that finding your ideal mate is not so much about what you do or don’t do or even about where you go or how you look. There is so much more to how you present yourself to the world than clothes and makeup. The right mindset is the greatest accessory you can have.