Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Becky Farley. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Alright, Becky thanks for taking the time to share your stories and insights with us today. Can you share a story about the kindest thing someone has done for you and why it mattered so much or was so meaningful to you?

What’s the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?

It’s hard to narrow down because I have seen so much kindness but the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me was a very small and simple thing. In fact it was many small and simple things done daily for me by me as I learned to care and love myself.

The short story is, I learned to simply ask myself “what do I need right now?” and then tend to myself in that moment with that specific need. Am I hungry and I need a sandwich? Is my jaw tight and I need to release it? Am I in a hard moment and I need a deep breath? Am I stiff and I need to stand up and take a walk?

That essential question of “What do I need right now?” can make all the difference in the world. Research says that those who learn and practice mindful self-compassion have a decreased rate of depression, anxiety, and stress and increased life satisfaction and better health overall. That’s why it was and still is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.

This is my own self-compassion story. I hope by reading it you find ways to show up for yourself in the kindest way possible.

Anxious Teen

When I was around 14 I started having stomach aches on Sunday nights. I would start worrying about Monday and school and how I forgot to study for the math test or didn’t work on the project that was due. And then I worried about what I should wear or how I should act and what I did to make me look like a weirdo and how to avoid that. I ruminated and worried so much that my stomach aches started coming on Sunday afternoons and then started on Saturday nights. I had a lot of sleeping problems because of my worrying and then I just worried more about that. What if I didn’t get enough sleep?! My day would be ruined. My life would be ruined. It was exhausting to say the least. My mom helped me by listening to me and rubbing my back and I would eventually get to sleep but by the next weekend my anxiety would be back. I sort of slugged along like this throughout my life. I felt like I was constantly tired on Monday mornings, I wanted the worry to go away but it seemed like the more I tried to push the worry away the bigger it got.

Stillborn Baby

Fast forward many years later and I was married to Doug and a mom to 3 kids. I had been able to keep the anxiety contained enough to survive but definitely still really tired. My worries were different now. I had a plan for everything and then a plan for if the first plan didn’t work. I even had a plan C for when A and B failed. I smiled and laughed and told everyone that I was doing great, that is until I had a still born baby. That sent me into a deep pit. Plan A didn’t work, plan B didn’t work, plan C, D, and all the rest just didn’t work anymore. I couldn’t fake it anymore. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was sick of everyone telling me what would help or that I would get over it if I would just do this thing or that thing. I wanted to be sad, because I worried that if I stopped being sad then my baby would become non-existent. I didn’t want to lose my baby and the sadness seemed to be the only thing that kept him with me. But my depression and anxiety was getting worse. I wasn’t able to be the kind of mom I wanted to be. I had forgotten how to laugh and I really love to laugh. I ended up spending days in my basement with my kids watching too much T.V. and eating too many oreos and drinking orange soda with them. That was my low point. I was barely making it.

Standing At The Bathroom Window

I had so many sleepless nights. I was sad and wondered why I wasn’t allowed to keep my baby. I wondered if I was a terrible mom, I even hit the point that I wondered if my kids would be better off without me.

One night as I was standing at the bathroom window I looked out at the lights in the city and saw so many lights on so many houses and had the thought “maybe somewhere out there someone is feeling just like me. Sad, alone and wondering why they were suffering.” This thought actually gave me a lot of comfort and I came back to this very spot, looking out my bathroom window, time and time again.

Trying To Find Healing

Then I was able to find a therapist who taught me how to meditate. I found freedom in just watching my breath. It was a simple meditation where I would sit quietly on a chair and just breathe. With each breath I would count, one. Breathe in, breathe out, one. Breathe in, breathe out, one. I did this for several years and it really helped to relieve some of my anxiety but I wanted to feel more healing with my mental health. I learned how to practice with a body scan. This is where you lay down and focus on different parts of your body and relax them individually. This is actually the first scientifically proven meditation for pain relief, either physical or mental. I did this meditation for several years consistently every day. This was the first time in so many years that I felt hope. I knew I was on the right path and I read anything and everything I could get my hands on that talked about the power of meditation in helping to relieve anxiety and depression. Encouraged by my niece, I had started teaching mindfulness classes and many people were interested in what I was teaching. I loved practicing mindfulness and I loved teaching it to others.

One day I came across a book called “Self Compassion”by Kristin Neff. I knew lots about compassion but self compassion I did not know anything about. I was intrigued to say the least and I devoured the book.

Studying Self-Compassion

After reading the book, I learned that there was a program called Mindful Self Compassion, created by Kristin Neff who was a professor at UT in Austin,Texas and Chris Germer, another professor from Harvard. You could train to become a certified teacher of Mindful Self-Compassion. I started the program and feeling inspired to share it with others I began to develop Mindful Art Co with my brilliant niece, Candace as my business partner.

Teaching The World Self-Compassion

I remember spending a weekend together at a family vacation house where we developed the beginnings of a curriculum for Kindergarten through 5th grade using animal characters in 5 different stories that teach the three elements of self- compassion. Mindfulness, Common Humanity and Self Kindness. These three pillars of Self-Compassion are transformative and seeing the power it gave children to learn these skills early on was so incredibly rewarding. We would eventually write a Self-Compassion Handbook for adults and teens, produce a mindfulness doodle game, publish a podcast called Common Kindness, and teach thousands of adults, teens and kids around the world.

Teaching YOU Self-Compassion

Now you are a part of my self-compassion story, and I’d like to teach you the steps to being the kindest person to yourself.

First, think about what it feels like to have compassion for another person? What happens to us as we allow compassion to come in? Our hearts grow, we feel a softening, a tenderness that wasn’t there before. We recognize and are moved by their suffering and we want to help. Our heart responds to their pain.

But what about ourselves? We are often so hard on ourselves even though we have this innate desire to help others. In order to have compassion for yourself you must learn to recognize your own suffering. You can’t respond to your own pain if you never recognize that it is there.

When others fail or make mistakes, we forgive, we tell them “it’s okay, you can move through this, tomorrow will be better.” But when we fail or make mistakes, it’s all over! There is no mercy! How can we expect progression, positivity or balance when we are so mean to ourselves all the time? The best tool to help you endure hard times with kindness is, of course, self-compassion.

An easy definition of Self-Compassion is learning to treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. It’s asking yourself the essential question, What do I need right now? So often what we need is not a hard thing, it might be a drink of water, a hug, a nap, a sandwich or even just to breathe. But in our desire to go faster, look perfect, or just survive we forget that we are people too. We are worth taking care of.

There are three elements to Self-Compassion.

Mindfulness is the first element. This is defined as being able to be present with things as they are right now, in the present moment even if what is happening is difficult. To notice and be present with our own suffering because to have that caring response it’s important to be with whatever is happening right now. To notice our minds and our mood. The first step is just to become aware of our struggles.

I finally felt like it was okay that I wanted to be sad about my baby. I could just be present with that sadness and not have to try to always be positive, in fact I often felt like the positivity became toxic when I tried to shove my sadness away. I needed to feel and honor my sadness and when I allowed myself to become mindful I found relief.

The second element is Common Humanity. This is when we realize that we are all sharing this human experience. We all struggle and we all triumph in life. So often we feel like when we are failing or flailing in life that we are the only one. We feel so lonely in our failures or perceived failures. We watch others (in particular on social media) and it seems like they have it all together and we are just pathetic messes. We tell ourselves that “I’m the only one who has failed or it’s just me who has this messy life challenge.” This isn’t a logical response, it is emotional. So not only are we hurting but we also feel all alone, this makes our pain double in suffering. When we recognize that it’s normal to make mistakes and struggle in life and also remember to have compassion and connection with others, we don’t feel so alone. Without me even understanding it, this is what I was experiencing standing at my bathroom window looking out at the city lights. This is why it felt comforting to me.

Another story of common humanity is Sofia.

In one of my 5th grade mindfulness classes I taught there was a student who was just learning English and had just come from another country and was also deaf. The elementary school I teach at is in a more affluent area of the city and many of the students often talk about what trips they have gone on or things that they have received as gifts. In this lesson the class was guessing what emotion each other was drawing or doodling. This is an activity that I like to do with all my classes, it helps to recognize emotions and how they feel in your body. Several students had been participating and Sofia wanted to show her card and have her classmates guess what she had drawn. The classmates guessed several times but couldn’t get it right. They guessed sadness, anger, depression, frustrated and many others. I finally asked Sofia to tell us the emotion she had doodled and with a quiet voice, she looked up and said, “jealousy”. You could have heard a pin drop at that moment. Everyone sat quietly and knew exactly what jealousy looked like and felt like. There was a powerful feeling of common humanity at that point in the class, each student knew that they all understood jealousy. They were all the same at this moment and although it felt sad it also felt relieving and freeing, to know that it’s okay to feel this way, it’s normal and everyone understands what it feels like to be jealous. Then one of the other students raised her hand and asked if we could then talk about what empathy looks like. We had an impactful conversation about empathy and jealousy and lots of other emotions and how we all share in feeling the same thing. Common humanity changed that 5th grade class that day.

Those thoughts I had so long ago standing at my window of “I am not alone. Other people understand how I feel.” were so powerful because they were the truth. We feel like we are the only ones suffering but when we recognize common humanity, we know we are not the only ones.

The third component is Self Kindness. This is when we give ourselves the same kindness and care that we would give to a friend who is suffering. We become gentle and caring with ourselves. We say those things that a friend would say to us. Noticing that constant narrator that is in our head and helping ourselves say kind things not rotten things. Practicing self kindness doesn’t come easy for most of us. This is why it is called a practice. We continue to practice and allow ourselves to make mistakes, and say kind things to ourselves over and over again until they become more natural.

I was teaching a second grade class and Liam, one of the students who had lots of emotional outbursts and often was bullying his classmates, was whispering mean phrases into his neighbor’s ears while we were working on an art project. He was saying things like “nobody likes you” “ you are worthless” “ you can’t do anything right” It was very disturbing to everyone involved. I told Liam that he needed to stop. He continued. I told him that if he didn’t stop he would need to go up to the principal’s office. The behavior continued and so I sent him up. Liam had a history of frustrated teachers, school counselors and the principal. He seemed to almost be hopeless and I really wondered how I could help him. I practiced my self compassion at that moment. In my mind while I was teaching the class, I recognized my own frustration, hopelessness and worry that I wasn’t helping him. I realized I was not alone. I knew that so many other teachers and para educators and even the principal were feeling just like me and I realized with tenderness in my heart that Liam was feeling the most frustrated, hopeless and like nothing he did was good enough. I felt a strong bond of common humanity with him, both of us feeling frustrated and hopeless. I said some kind phrases to myself, may I be kind to myself, this is a hard moment, I will be here for you. May I care for myself and give myself the kindness I need right now. I put my hand on my heart as the kids were doing their projects and I felt the warmth and gentleness of my hand and breathed into it. I was able to relax and finish teaching the lesson. Later on I found Liam and told him that I hoped he could be at the next mindfulness lesson. He continued to ignore or snub me for another month or so but he was quiet during the lessons. Then slowly as the weeks went on he started to participate, even asking really thoughtful questions. I spent some time with him in our “peace place”, a room where students can take small breaks throughout the day when they are feeling overwhelmed. He told me that he had not seen his dad in 3 years because he was in prison. He said it had been really hard and opened up a little. We played a game together and just got to know each other a little better. Since that time Liam has continued to participate in class. There are times, especially when there is a substitute instead of his teacher, that he acts out but when I let him know that I want him there in mindfulness class and that I care about him, he tries to stay focused. This is why I believe in this.

Learning Self-Compassion Together

Now, some of you reading this may think, “oh, this would be such a great thing for my daughter to know,” or your husband, colleague, neighbor, etc. But the truth is, this is such a great thing for YOU to know. We are all an anxious teenager, a grieving insomniac, a jealous 5th grader, a negative-minded 2nd grader, and we can all be practitioners of self-compassion. We are all trying to figure out how to become kinder to ourselves and learning to soothe all the difficult lessons of life. We are students of self-compassion and we are all learning it together.

Becky, love having you share your insights with us. Before we ask you more questions, maybe you can take a moment to introduce yourself to our readers who might have missed our earlier conversations?

Sure! I am Becky Farley, a certified teacher of mindful self-compassion. That means I have been trained by the top mindful self-compassion scientists in the field. Over the past decade, I have helped kids, parents and teachers create more lasting connection, intention, and kindness in their lives. My niece and I founded Mindful Art Company, which creates products aimed to foster self-compassion, mindfulness, and emotional regulation in homes and classrooms. Using stories, art and meditation, our not-for-profit company has taught thousands of humans of all ages. I currently teach mindfulness at an elementary school and I am the co-host of the Common Kindness Podcast.

My niece, Candace Little, and I founded Mindful Art Company in 2016 because we could see a deep need for the science and art of self-compassion in today’s ever increasing fast, distracted and disconnected world. Mindfulness is a great tool to help combat the symptoms of depression anxiety and stress—but studies show that self-compassion works even better. That’s why we created Mindful Art Company. We wanted self-compassion for ourselves and everyone we met. Our focus is on parents/children and teachers/students learning together.

Can you tell us the story behind how you met your business partner?

I have actually known my business partner, Candace Little, since the day she was born! I am her aunt. She became my business partner after taking one of my mindfulness classes. She was a busy mom of babies and I was almost an empty nester. We actually didn’t have much of a conversation, it was something we both just knew we were supposed to do together. We knew there were plenty of people interested in learning and practicing mindfulness, and I felt inspired to teach what I had learned. Candace made me some business cards as a Christmas gift and from there, Mindful Art Company was born.

We spent family vacations and extended family parties mulling over all of our crazy and inspired ideas. We are both really good at letting the business grow organically, pushing each other to keep the business going. We have continued to work seamlessly together with lots of great and also difficult moments. I continue to specialize in teaching mindful self-compassion and Candace takes care of the accounting, marketing, website, and general business side of things. I often compare us to Dumbledore (Candace) and Professor Trelawney (me) from Harry Potter. I have these crazy visions that even I can’t understand at times and Candace can somehow translate what I’m thinking and bring it into reality.

Our family are some of our biggest cheerleaders and it’s been really rewarding for us to see their lives change as they implement what we are teaching the rest of the world.

We’d love to hear a story of resilience from your journey.

Just like all other businesses, COVID-19 was a big adjustment for Mindful Art Company. We had mainly been teaching in-person classes and workshops prior to 2020. We switched over to Zoom classes very quickly and it turned out to be a great leap for our company. We were able to teach lessons to people literally all around the world. With schools also turning to online learning, we were able to record meditations and create accompanying art projects that kids could do along with their teachers online. To me, being resilient is all about responding rather than reacting. It’s a choice that we get to make. There are many times that quitting might be the right answer. But I’m very glad Mindful Art Company was able to adapt and is better than ever today.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.mindfulartco.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindfulartco/
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MiNDFULARTCOTEAM
• Other: MindfulArtCo Free Resources: www.mindfulartco.com/freebies Insight Timer: https://insighttimer.com/mindfulartco Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/common-kindness/id1556213024 Spotify Podcasts: https://open.spotify.com/show/33C5nI48w3EkHalauMXUSP