We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Bara Mann a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Bara, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. What’s the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?

One of the most impactful acts of kindness occurred in my college days and was served up by one of my now-favorite professors, Janet DeGrazia.

It was freshman year, and I was hellbent on getting an A in her Introduction to Computing Class. She wasn’t giving me the information I needed, and that made me mad.

The gift Janet gave me was sitting me down and calling me out. “You’re an adult now, Bara. Everything isn’t going to be handed to you. You have to do your own research and try to figure it out.”

At the time this didn’t feel like a gift, and seemed to be anything but kind. But the impact was profound. It led me to a revelation: I was overly reliant on others for solutions.

I began to work through my challenges independently before seeking external help. This fostered better relationships and led to others truly wanting to help me (when I actually needed their support). It also empowered me.

My clients also benefit from my lesson on self-empowerment, which has become a guiding principle in my coaching practice. I encourage my clients to reach out for as much support as they need between sessions but emphasize that they should only do so after first questioning if they have the answer within themselves. Upon asking this question they often find that they do. For some clients, this has proved invaluable, as it has fostered greater confidence and self-trust.

Janet’s seemingly simple guidance altered my perspective, shaping not just my academic journey but also my approach to coaching and mentoring. Many professors would not have taken the time to have that conversation, and I am grateful that Janet did.

Awesome, thank you for sharing that. Before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers and tell us about your business?

I am a transformational life coach and speaker. I work primarily with women and queer people who feel frustrated because they’ve read the books and tried to do the work, but still don’t feel they have the lives they’re looking for. In some cases, they’re stuck on the fact that “my life IS good, so why doesn’t it FEEL that great?!

I have a background in engineering and training in various energy healing modalities. While this may sound contradictory it actually gives me a unique combination of analytical thinking and intuitive wisdom, which enables me to accelerate individuals’ quests toward lives filled with joy, confidence, and inner peace.

My clients and I don’t spend much time analyzing the childhood roots of their problems, because we don’t need to. Energy healing allows us to flush out trapped emotions and limiting beliefs without dwelling on the past, leading to rapid results.

We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?

Like many folks in their 30’s, I had to unlearn a lesson from childhood: “toughen up and quit being so emotional.” But, like many people on the spiritual path, I also had to unlearn the lesson that replaced it.

For the last several years I’ve been hearing that it’s good to “feel your feelings”. I used to interpret this to mean that it’s good to feel sad after something bad happens. So I would dwell on things in order to feel the feelings associated with them.

After a breakup in 2021, since I was “supposed to feel sad”, I decided that I would dedicate a couple of days to doing so. I even made space in my calendar. My thought process was “How can I be productive, if I’m busy being sad?”

To conjure up the sad vibes I’d turn on sad movies. Then I’d daydream (aka future trip) about moments in the future when my ex wouldn’t be there and how sad I might feel. I never considered that I may actually prefer spending that time without a partner I was no longer aligned with.

Since I was busy being sad I turned down invitations from friends to get outside and have fun. Who knows what fun and what connections I missed out on because I was busy worrying about a hypothetical future? (Those sad moments, by the way, never came to be. We broke up for a reason, and while I missed the idea of the relationship I never truly wished we were back together.)

I’ll never do that to myself again. This year, largely thanks to the science-backed Positive Intelligence® program I now offer my clients, I learned that it’s not helpful to keep focusing on thoughts that make you sad. That would be like forcing yourself to keep your hand on a hot stove, even after feeling the initial pain of the burn.

I used this knowledge to support myself after my last breakup, mid-2023. I decided that if I truly felt sad I would allow myself to feel that sadness. But if I started thinking thoughts that made me sad (like future tripping about feeling lonely during upcoming holidays) I’d refocus my mind on physical sensations to bring me back to the present. Then if I still felt sad (like if I truly missed my ex in the present moment) I’d allow myself to feel those feelings.

With this approach I didn’t bypass my emotions, nor did I waste time or energy thinking about hypothetical scenarios. As a result, the breakup didn’t significantly distract me from other things that matter to me. I didn’t have to take a big break from being productive at work, or from having fun and enjoying life. Nor did I spend much time feeling sad.

I invite you to learn from my unlearning. Next time you’re wallowing in sadness, consider asking yourself “Am I truly sad right now? Or am I sad about a hypothetical future?” If the answer is the latter, remind yourself that you’re not a future teller. It therefore isn’t a good use of your time to envision unpleasant situations that may never even come to be. Put on some uplifting music, get back in touch with your body in the present moment, and choose to keep living your life.

Do you think you’d choose a different profession or specialty if you were starting now?

If I had to go back I wouldn’t change a thing. I believe that my path has largely contributed to this life that I love. That includes coaching and speaking. And I firmly believe that my 6.5 years of higher education and 7 years in the corporate world as an engineer helped make me the coach I am today.

Some people are confused by that, because they can’t see how the two careers are related. The thing is though, every interaction I’ve ever had has helped me become the person I am today. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Not only that, my experience in the corporate engineering world helped make me a better coach. It required me to navigate many of the difficult situations my clients face, including corporate politics and having to work with difficult people. It also taught me to think like an engineer and pull from all of my knowledge to design the right approach. That led me to coach in a way that isn’t cookie cutter but is customized for each client, which is more impactful for them and more fun for me. Last but not least, it gave me financial security, so I could take the risk of going out on my own and trying something new.

So yes, I would choose the same path if I had to go back to square one!

Contact Info:

• Website: baraco.org
• Instagram: instagram.com/baracobara
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/bara-mann/

Image Credits
Danette Mitchell and Hilary Mann