We were lucky to catch up with Ashley Pan recently and have shared our conversation below.

Hi Ashley, thanks for joining us today. What did your parents do right and how has that impacted you in your life and career?

Everything. At the young age of five, I was already a busy woman. I was involved in more things than I could count on my fingers and toes; heck, I could barely count back then! Ice skating, volleyball, basketball, ping pong, tennis, piano, singing, drawing, Kumon, swimming, dance, you name it. And I’m not alone, because this was simply the expectation for second generation Asian Americans from their first-generation immigrant parents. Naturally, it also became an expectation from our peers, teachers, and other Asian American parents. We are automatically labeled as the know-it-all, the do-it-all, the goody two-shoes. I was jealous of kids whose after school schedule consisted of watching TV and snacking on cheeto puffs, but I was also pressured by kids whose schedules were like mine but were better than me at everything, which probably explains why I packed my princess suitcase and attempted to run away from home (by attempt, I mean I walked maybe 5 minutes before turning back). And though the number of activities started decreasing as I grew up, my complaints were ever the more increasing, especially as I entered my rebellious pre-teen phase. I never really saw my mom’s point of view until my grandma passed away on Christmas Eve in 2015.

Ever since I was born, my mom and dad worked full time. So my mom’s parents, my laolao and laoye, were basically my second parents: from cooking and cleaning to taking care of me and my three younger siblings. I was incredibly fortunate to grow up in the warmth of my laolao, but I didn’t realize this nor express my gratitude for her until it was too late. In fact, I tried so hard to be American that I threw away my Chinese roots. I looked down on my laolao for watching Chinese dramas when I wanted to watch Pretty Little Liars, for packing me mixed congee instead of Lunchables, for asking me to wear a qipao to school for Chinese New Year. I was desperate to fit in with a group that I could never fit into. There’s nothing wrong with being “plain” American, and likewise, there’s nothing wrong with being Asian American, African American, Hispanic American, or Middle East American. But we need to recognize that differences exist, not in status, but in culture. Grieving my grandma helped me recognize this and grow up. Growing up is celebrating the beauty in diversity; I now spend all of my free time binge watching Chinese dramas, mixed congee is sweet and nutritious, and have you seen how beautifully silky and intricate qipaos are? Growing up is loving the people that I can still love a little harder. It’s saying I-love-yous and drive-safes often, it’s spending quality time with my laoye, it’s prioritizing health above all else.

At age 49, my mom already has a full head of white hair. She’s sacrificed the last 20 years of her time, money, and energy to nurture me and my siblings so that we could become the best versions of ourselves. Evidently, she’s done an amazing job, but in the process, she lost herself. My mom gave up her offer from Boston University to start a family, she had 4 C-sections (anyone who has experienced pregnancy knows how painful that is), she gets an average of 5 hours of sleep a night, and she eats leftovers so that my siblings and I can eat a good meal every meal. She doesn’t own any fancy bags, she doesn’t go on date nights, she’s never even been to a salon to get her hair done. My mom’s life taught me what to do, but at the same time, what not to do. To do: be humble, be selfless, be empathetic, be grounded in my morals, be frugal, be happy, be unashamed of my culture. Not to do: be too selfless and be too frugal. So after seeing my mom spend so many nights quietly sobbing, I made a promise that I will be good to myself. I also promised myself that I would show my mom how to self-love and let her know that it’s okay to be selfish occasionally. I bought her a designer bag, took her out for dinner, and booked her hair and lash appointments. So to all my second gens, please remember: our lives are hard, but our parents’ lives are even harder. Don’t expect them to understand everything of this generation, because likewise, we don’t fully understand theirs. And because of this inevitable generational gap, let’s be translators of their love and reciprocate that love. Enrolling us in these extracurriculars is their way of showing they care, because as kids, they never had the opportunity nor money to learn things like singing, dancing, or public speaking. I invite you all to see both sides of the story.

Understand that they pin their own hopes and dreams on us because to them, that’s love, not overstepping. At the same time, don’t neglect yourself. It is totally normal to feel overwhelmed by their expectations, and it is okay to not be okay. I can’t speak for all parents and children in the world, but having deep talks and communicating how I feel to my mom works wonders for me. You’ll discover how cute your parents are and that they really just want the best for you: my mom says cheesy catchphrases like “no pain no gain”, “life is like a marathon”, and “before every rainbow is rain”.

It’s safe to say I can count all my hobbies on just one hand now, but I’m thankful that at one point in my life, I got to experiment around and dip my toes in so many activities. My parents and I by no means, have a perfect relationship. However, I wouldn’t be the mature woman I am today without them; no amount of thank you’s is enough to express my gratitude and appreciation. If you’re reading this, mom, dad, laoye, and my late laolao, I love you.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers?

Can you share a story from your journey that illustrates your resilience?

This past year has been full of adjustments. Starting college in person and in a different state after 2 years of virtual school completely drained me. Moreso, running my organization, Light of the World, across time zones and with less than 30 members was the opposite of easy. It was only my freshman year, but there were so many days when I wanted to give up, when I felt helpless, when I needed a break. Berkeley was my dream school since 5th grade, so I thought what I wanted all this time was a fresh start far away from home in a fast-paced city. I couldn’t figure out why I craved southern hospitality, Whataburger, and the comfort of familiarity. And although I knew getting into a good college wasn’t the finish line, I wasn’t prepared for how fast I moved back into the cycle of study, eat, sleep, and repeat–it was high school all over again, just with more responsibilities and too much alone time. To be very honest, because of how rough first semester was, I was prepared to leave Light of the World behind in my high school days. But when Develop Africa’s pictures of kids holding the solar lanterns we funded reached my inbox in November, my heart melted. I was reminded of how beautiful life can be. How lucky I am to have an education. How I started this organization to bring smiles and an access to education to these kids. These kids and their smiles both saved my organization and gave me back my motivation. Although the size of my organization now can’t compare with last year, the involvement and dedication my members and executive team had towards LOW was more than enough. My word of advice to nonprofit leaders out there: don’t make promises you can’t keep. I learned this lesson the hard way. At the beginning of senior year, I was excited to have so many people on board, so I wanted to do a bazillion things, most of which I took chances on. I took the chance that the pandemic would be over long before May 2021 so that we could have an in person gala, I took the chance on a small business instead of using a big company like CustomInk to make our stickers, and I took the chance that many of the other officers and members would be as passionate as I am for Light of the World’s cause. However, things don’t always work out the way we want. We’re only now inching out of the pandemic, the stickers were too good of a price to be true, and both officer and member attendance were disappointing. 4 years after running this nonprofit, I’m still growing and experimenting.

Based on last year’s ending and this year’s success so far, I really like having a tight-knit organization. I’d take 3 members who are willing to donate, spread the word, and participate in our events over 300 inactive members any day. To Hiram Sanabria, Allison Pan, Kyle Liu, Katie Chung, Angel Pilli, Zimo Chen, Eva Jia, Annie Zhu, and Zadie Guo: thank you for believing in me, for pitching in your ideas, for being at every meeting and event, for being the most passionate executive team I’ve ever worked with. We just recently had an outreach event packaging hundreds of diapers at a warehouse, and now we’re preparing for another outreach event to distribute the cans and school supplies we collected. We’ll also be having a college application workshop later on in July, targeted at high school students and their parents.

Those kids in Kamawornie, Sierra Leone not only brought my nonprofit back to life, it also brought me back to life. Although I didn’t have the best experience with picking classes (programming was a struggle) and though I had some personal stuff going on, I’d say I finished freshman year just fine. On top of that, I made some pretty cool friends, landed my dream job at a luxury picnic company, fell even more in love with accounting, and started a little pop up shop with my family (make sure to check out PanCha Boba, we make boba and sponge cake for pickup every Saturday). Most of all, I found my identity at Berkeley as a woman of color, of power, of intelligence, of beauty, of the ability to change the world.

For the first time in a long time, I’m loving life.

It’s okay to be homesick. In fact, I will always carry a piece of Plano, Texas with me, but I’m starting to get used to expensive gas, the lack of southern hospitality, everyone being obsessed with In-N-Out, the beautiful weather, and stepping out of my comfort zone.

Contact Info:

• Website: lightoftheworldclub.org
• Instagram: @_ashleypan_ @lightoftheworldclub @panchaboba
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ashley-pan-ucb/

Image Credits
Develop Africa Rain Johnson Vamsi Kurukuri