We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Alexa Bailey, LMSW a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Alexa, appreciate you joining us today. What did your parents do right and how has that impacted you in your life and career?

I always believed I could do anything. From a young age, I had this vivacious determination that I could move mountains if only I tried and that if I fell in the process, I could always get back up. This resolve and this confidence was built through tiny moments of assurance and the magic of parents who tried their best. In the therapy world, parenting and attachment can be a tricky subject and I consider it a rare gift that I experienced a few of these positive moments for myself. When I was a young child, I had hardworking parents who both worked their jobs with enthusiasm and dedication. My mother was not a timid woman, but rather a force to be reckoned with who knew exactly who she was and encouraged me to be myself. She taught me that girls are just a tough as boys, and that we can do anything, and I had a father who did the same.

As a young girl, my father started his own business and he worked countless hours, up before the sun and back home long after it was gone. He was quick with a smile and always had a kind word, even after working long, hard days. I can remember my siblings and I begging him to promise he would swim with us when he came home, to pinky promise he would do it, not matter what. Lo and behold, after the longest of days and exhaustion beyond what my little mind could even imagine, he would come home to these eager little faces and would happily throw on a swimsuit and we’d jump in the pool. We may have only swam for a few minutes before we were back inside and then tucked into beds, but the lesson was not lost on me: your commitments matter and the people you love deserve your time.

I see clearly now the sacrifice of not only my hardworking father but a patient mother who supported it, too, who postponed bedtimes to allow us those precious moments of connection with our dad, and to sacrifice her own time to see it through that we felt loved, seen, and cared for. No parent is perfect, and my parents were certainly not immune from mistakes, but in my own life, they showed me through word and deed that people are worth loving, life is worth living, and being true to your word is of utmost importance.

As an adult, I appreciate their efforts because I took those words to heart and I reached for the stars. I knew that I was capable, I was smart, I was good because I first learned it from them. There are ebbs and flows to those beliefs, but the fact remains that the people who mattered were the ones who believed in me, and still believe in me. My first relationship with them opened the door to allowing me to connect with others and stand fully in my identity, knowing I was good. My practice now as a therapist has allowed me to help those who have experienced broken attachments and difficulties and to now extend that hand of connection and love and to encourage their process of growth, for others to know, as I have known, that they are good as they are and worth loving.

Alexa, before we move on to more of these sorts of questions, can you take some time to bring our readers up to speed on you and what you do?

When I am asked what I do for work, I often reply that I am a professional secret keeper. The reality is that I am a psychotherapist providing therapy to people from all walks of life. From the time I was a young child, I knew I wanted to work with people. There is a light and a spark that you find when you really get to know someone, and I am privileged to do that every day. In my career thus far, I have practiced with a number of different populations: addiction recovery, at risk youth, older adults, you name it. And with every position I’ve been in, I came to the same place of understanding that we are all trying to find our way in the world through the trauma we have experienced. So I took this understanding and used it as the catalyst to advance my training within the field of trauma and now see clients who have experienced all kinds of trauma, from big to little to in between, to reprocess the past, build healthy skills for the future, and understand ourselves as whole people with flaws and beauty intermingled.

Trauma responds in the brain the same, regardless of whether it may seem big or small to us. I have felt very strongly about meeting people at their level to begin building understanding and compassion for their own experiences and to recognize that their own coping to survive was borne from necessity though it may now be the thing that harms them. In my position as a therapist, I especially enjoy working with individuals, specifically women, going through life transitions and changes, because what I have found is that these transitions often begin to pull on past trauma and complex childhood experiences that previously seemed “in the past”. It gives this insight into our own experiences and newfound knowledge that maybe we need something more, and begins the journey of reconnecting to the inner child and other inner selves that we have for so long tucked away or exiled to the outskirts of ourselves. It’s beautiful and messy and so worth it. I think of the women that I see and I often work with mothers of both young and grown children who express this feeling of being dumbfounded as they begin to see moments from their own childhoods creeping back up alongside raising their children. It puts people in a curios position of having to learn to re-parent themselves as well as parent their own children in real time. The words we longed to hear for ourselves become vitally important to that inner child we hold inside and gives us the space turn back to her and say those words ourselves. It’s a beautiful process.

One of the most important parts of treatment, in my opinion, is also laughter. As my fellow colleagues in my office can attest, there are frequently moments of laugher emanating from my office. Interspersed between deep processing of past trauma and regulating the nervous system, we laugh and connect with humor and good feeling and begin to build a bridge back to balance expression and feeling. There is something almost magical about allowing laughter to be a part of treating trauma, because it’s healing this sweet internal part of ourselves that longs for play and joy. Laughter allows for a deeper, more connective experience with our inner child, and hits on those important feelings of play and joy and release.

Along with this playful processing, something I find to be important is exploring our own stories. A creative outlet that connects back to this storytelling for me is through my professional social media presence and writing with a local teen magazine. In my work and connection with people all over, we explore important topics and find meaning in small moments. A special joy to me in this exploration is analyzing fictional movies and shows to understand how we heal through seeing these moments on screen. It can be difficult to see our own stuff at times, so to externalize it through characters on a screen can be an empowering and validating experience. Exploring their patterns and experiences helps us to give voice to our own feelings and see things from more of a birds eye view. Plus, who doesn’t love rehashing their favorite movies? It’s fun and playful but also informative. More to come with this in the coming months!

We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?

Early on in my career, I worked in a community mental health agency providing in home therapy to at risk youth and their families. It’s a very intensive process and requires a lot of time, dedication, and energy. Being fairly new to the field, I jumped in with two feet and was ready to be the best of the best and work the hardest, to just succeed. The therapy model we used was a uniquely connected model that required lots of time and often encouraged you to take any possible moment you could to interact, to the point of extending your work hours, answering calls whenever they came through, and trying to meet the needs of your people often at your own expense. It was exhausting. The work was so important and my little social work heart was ready to be there 110%, but the burn out very quickly began to set in as I let every boundary around my personal time slip away. I’d had supervisors and colleagues attempt to help encourage better boundaries, but the very nature of the therapy model felt like it contradicted their words. And so I kept plugging along figuring that “one day” I would feel the balance, I would equalize in my responsibilities and all would be well.

Not so. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t make it too long at that pace. This dedication to putting everyone else first became the very thing sucking the life-force from me. I began to question everything about my professional path. Was I cut out for this? Could I do this for the rest of my career? How much longer could I survive if I never take a moment for myself? This half baked idea that my altruistic efforts would just magically one day transform into balance and serene existence was crumbling before my eyes.

It felt like all I had worked for was falling apart. And I ended up taking a step away to reevaluate the road forward. I had to analyze my patterns and see that this people-pleasing, “head down and get to work” kind of attitude was only serving to my detriment. I would never expect another human soul to survive this way, so why was I selling myself that lie? Unlearning that took great courage to step back and finally admit that I am allowed to have needs, I have limits, and I deserve to live within my own boundaries. That’s a lesson I think a lot of us are on the journey to understand, and I look back with gratitude that although I stayed in a tough place for much longer than I should have, that I did see the writing on the wall to finally step away and care for myself, to set self-boundaries and actually listen and uphold them. It’s a radical move sometimes to allow yourself the same grace you give to others.

Training and knowledge matter of course, but beyond that what do you think matters most in terms of succeeding in your field?

Working within a therapy private practice is a wonderful gift. And providing therapy is a wonderful gift as well. But something that often gets forgotten through this process is the importance of connections. Being a mental health professional means showing up for other people, and it also means that you need people, too. This recognition of community is an important thing because we aren’t built to operate as an island.

Success is not built alone, it is through collaboration and connection that we find our way. Being willing to connect with those around you, to build up your network of supports, opens doors to understanding and connection that is of utmost importance. Too often I see other professionals on their little islands, doing good work but quietly languishing. I have had countless moments of feeling the relief wash over me even after just a 2 minute conversation with a colleague about what’s going well and what’s been hard. To be seen in this work feels incredible. Getting connected doesn’t have to mean networking events or formal gatherings. Just being with someone who gets it and who gets you is a treasure.

Find your people, find your place, and you will go far. I have a lovely group of people around me to buoy me up, encourage my progress, and open doors for me to grow. So, build your support group. Therapy is built upon that foundation of connection and attachment and shared understanding that we heal and thrive through connections and relationships. Being a professional is no exception; we need people to succeed.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.evolvecounselingaz.com/alexa-bailey
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alexabaileycounseling/
• Other: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/alexa-bailey-gilbert-az/729751

Image Credits
Elise Olsen Willey