Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Becky McDermott. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Becky, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. What did your parents do right and how has that impacted you in your life and career?

After my mom’s sudden death due to a massive heart attack when I was 10 years old, my dad took my sister and me to peer-based grief support groups. Before she died, my mom taught me how important and impactful our words can be.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.

My name is Becky McDermott and I am Program Director at Joel’s Place for Children. At Joel’s Place, we provide grief support to school-aged children and their families who have experienced the death of someone special in their lives. We offer peer-based grief support groups for children, teens, and their caregivers. We believe it is healthy and healing for children to spend time and talk with other children who have similar life experiences, especially when dealing with grief. My passion for kids’ grief support comes from the sudden death of my mom, Mary Verner, when I was 10 years old. When my mom died, there was no one else at my school with that tragic experience, and it felt like I no one would ever understand how sad, angry, and upset I was. Thankfully, my dad took my sister and me to grief support groups (like what we offer at Joel’s Place) and I met other kids whose families were tragically touched by death. I had space to talk about my mom, and the fact that she was dead was actually what made me fit in. Every form from school still asked for my mother’s name; my teen magazines only mentioned ways to celebrate my mom with spa days or shopping on Mother’s Day; my dad was in charge of buying me tampons and pads for my first period. But I faced these reminders of my mom’s absence with a new sense of strength that we weren’t the only grieving family. Grief support groups gave me tools to feel my feelings in healthy ways and practice talking about the full spectrum of missing my mom. Many years later, looking for an organization where I could experience giving back in a kids’ grief support group setting, I found Joel’s Place for Children. I took their 2-day facilitator training in 2016 and have been co-leading groups since then. In 2019 I was hired as Progam Coordinator and Outreach Specialist, working closely with our co-founder Kathy Stellato to strengthen our mission through grief support, community engagement and education on children’s grief best practices and key information.

Training and knowledge matter of course, but beyond that what do you think matters most in terms of succeeding in your field?

I’m often met with what feels like sympathy when I say I work in children’s grief. People tend to look uncomfortable, utter something like, “Oh wow.”, break eye contact, and the conversation moves on. For so many people, talking about death is uncomfortable. Even though death is one of life’s universal guarantees, we’re so unsure of how to support others when they are grieving the death of someone they love. I took (and now help lead) a 2-day training to become a facilitator at Joel’s Place. We talk about ways to talk to kids about death and grief – concrete language is SO important! Telling a 5-year-old, “We lost Granpa.” implies there is looking to be done. The child can internalize that with enough effort, Grandpa can be found. Another example is that we are non-denominational at Joel’s Place, so as facilitators, we don’t introduce any particular religious or spiritual ideas. In my experience, faith would come up in the teen group during conversations about support networks or questions and ideas about staying connected to those who have died. Beyond any information learned, the most important skill for anyone looking to support someone who is grieving is listening. At Joel’s Place, our emphasis is on providing an environment where the children, teens, and their caregivers can talk with others like them about their experiences. One example I always think of was in the teen group one night, a participant said her mom died of cancer. Quickly, another teen responded, “What kind of cancer?” and the group started a conversation about ‘what’s harder to grieve? Knowing your person is sick before they die, or having someone you love die suddenly?’ Had I jumped in and said “I’m sorry.” or even “My mom died too…”, the kids would have missed this opportunity. This experience inspires me to stay present in groups and encourage the children to share their experiences and ask questions more than putting pressure on myself to “say the right thing” or “have the right answers”. We accept new volunteers throughout the year. Currently, there is a facilitator training scheduled for August 2023.

Let’s talk about resilience next – do you have a story you can share with us?

I remember the first time a little girl turned around on the school bus and said, “I heard your mother died. Is that true?” It stopped me in my tracks; I wanted to say no. Thinking about my mom’s death felt constant on the days home from school right after she died. But this day, I attended school like everyone else. I was riding the bus home like everyone else. My mind had wandered away from the sadness and shock of her sudden death, and I could think about homework or recess like everybody else. But I wasn’t like everybody else in a significant way. I had to answer, “Yes, my mother died.”

“Your mom died?! What a nightmare!”
“Your mom died?! I can’t even imagine!”
“I could NEVER live without my mom!”
“You only had ten years with your mom, so you don’t have that much to miss. My mom died when I was 20, so I have it much worse.”
“God, my mom is SO annoying!” (ignores cell phone call)
“I feel so sorry for you that you don’t have what I have with my mom.” (cries on my couch)

I’ve heard a lot of interesting, well-intentioned comments in the 25+ years since my mom died. It took me a long time to stop internalizing what I had heard so many times, that my life was everyone’s nightmare. That my mom’s death was so painful to imagine, and that pain needed to be numbed since it was the experience I lived. I realized these unhelpful comments were the attempt of others to comfort themselves. What actually comforted me was being with others who could relate or were willing to sit with me in an attempt to understand and nurture me.

In my work at Joel’s Place, I’ve met families who have experienced tragedies I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Statistics show there are more grieving children and teens than ever before in the world. We are serving more families than ever because of drug overdoses, gun violence, even COVID-19. The children in these families will live with their experiences forever, just like I live with my mom’s death. We have to stop telling others that their experiences are our nightmares. Instead, if someone you know experiences the death of someone they love, I recommend you let them know how sorry you are for their sadness, how available you are to be with them, drop off a care package of easy-to-heat/eat snacks, and make a note to follow up with them. Check in when the sympathy cards stop and new routines are established.

“It’s Mother’s Day and I’m thinking of you.”
“Your mom would be so proud of you.”
“You look just like your mom!”
“I miss your mom too.”
“Do you want to talk about her?”

Those are some of the more helpful responses.

Contact Info:

• Website: http://www.Beckyverneryoga.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/beckyverner
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/beckyverneryoga
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/beckyverner
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFka6Ic3yZNRGEYHU0zgrLA?app=desktop
• Other: Joel’s Place for Children – https://www.joelsplaceforchildren.org

Image Credits
Mark Wayner