We were lucky to catch up with Jamilah Pollard recently and have shared our conversation below.
Jamilah, appreciate you joining us today. Can you open up about a risk you’ve taken – what it was like taking that risk, why you took the risk and how it turned out?
I’ve decided after more than 20 years of vacillating to share my gifts as a writer with the world. On the surface this may not seem like a huge deal but at the root is the story of a girl who grew up painfully insecure. I felt most myself by myself, my refuge was often found in alone time. There was no pretense, shame, critique, simply my joy, my tears, my laughter, my heartache. It was in these moments I learned a ton about myself and humanity. How we’re so afraid of literally everything our lives can morph into a complete mess of a thing, and we’ll watch it burn because we’re too afraid to say stop, no, go, next, stay.
We allow the worst-case scenario to unfold and pretend to be ok because we view that as somehow easier than stopping the bleeding. We’d rather bleed out, cleanse the energy and start over, still afraid, still stifled, still held tight by the past but we persist all the while breaking our own hearts, refusing to get what we desire. How many times have I done the exact thing? It’s heartbreaking really. So, one day I’m meditating on it because now I want to know, like for real “homegirl, wtf is you doing?!” and I sat with my reason for denying myself what I knew I desired, what was summoning me, demanding a response and I ignored it for years. I was afraid to share my work because I’d grown accustomed to stomping on my seed. I’d have an idea, one that would resonate and felt divine, I’d turn it over for weeks, months until it either disintegrated or faded completely from the timeline before coming into fruition. Precision of language…I had imposter syndrome and was afraid to leap.
I’ve always expressed myself through and been inspired by the written word and desired to be a part of the process; in the moment and energy of medicine women who’ve gone before and cleared a path. Allowed themselves to be a vessel, who wail and groan to birth new paradigms and making the way simpler for us in succession. There is an alchemy in transmuting pain into power, its layered, divinely inspired and ordained. It’s also challenging yet possible, but it requires something. I, having benefitted from those unafraid to lie their soul bare that we may be ‘saved’ didn’t desire a journey of transmuting pain into power but am starting to believe it’s each of our callings as it were, evolving from one dimension to the next, rising, killing, eating all that must be slain and eaten (metaphorically speaking). In this I’d have to come out of hiding and share what is being downloaded in spirit daily. A life/work that feels good in my marrow, proverbially dripping down my chin. An exhale I’d feel throughout my entire body which birthed Balanced Skepticism (@balancedskepticism). This would be my portal to share inspiration with the collective.
We’ve been led to think we must find our purpose, but a dope modern day philosopher Tripp Fontaine posits “we don’t find our purpose, we either accept or deny it”, in this my paradigm and the way I approach purpose immediately shifted. This gave me courage to share my heart, along with encouragement, ponderings, musings, ideas, meditations that give folk the inclination they need to press forward because in truth this thing ain’t easy. I do believe my purpose in life is to encourage, I love to lift the spirits of those in need of lifting, I know there have been moments I’ve needed encouragement and searched until I found the thing that would lift my spirits, I am a seeker in that way. I’m always on the lookout for the holy spirit in everything I lay my eyes on, more lately here. Walking into a new season is frightening, but it’s filled with possibility and if God be for me who then can be against me? And, full transparency, there’s no way of knowing the why, how, who, when, what of this life. You just know it’s happening in real time, and it begs the question “God, what is you doing??!” Yet, on the other side is joy, peace, calm, opportunity banging down our door…but we must open our head, heart and hand.
Jamilah, before we move on to more of these sorts of questions, can you take some time to bring our readers up to speed on you and what you do?
My name is Jamilah Pollard, owner of macymaryjane a handmade line of crochet scarves and cowls I sell on Etsy. This month marks 10 years of being in ‘business’ and it’s been quite a journey of unlearning. Before the pandemic I loved working the local markets and festivals, the people, artistry, energy of those events was always deeply communal. The support I received was so inspiring and it was always really dope to photograph and see people walking around the events with my work. I also sold on consignment with a few shops in an around Atlanta and Chicago, where mmj and I were born and raised.
Once the pandemic landed online sales were amazing; then life began life-ing and I put my shop on vacation and gave my self time to manage a series of proverbial deaths in and around me. It was an incredibly dark season in which I was unable to summons the energy to do creative work. Growing up in a culture that demands women keep going despite the crumbling under neath their feet, I refused to subscribe. I knew I was grieving while adjusting to a new normal, along with getting acclimated with my space and offering within the new normal. I’d also decided to change employers in the interim which added an extra layer of razzle dazzle to my life’s plot. So many changes at once made for a tornado of events that are finally beginning to settle but this after almost two years of tumult. My story isn’t necessarily unique in that way, I think most people found life shifting in that moment; it made room but the pruning was quite painful…in “The Salt Eaters” Toni Cade Bambara writes: “Are you sure, sweetheart, that you want to be well?… Just so’s you’re sure, sweetheart, and ready to be healed, cause wholeness is no trifling matter. A lot of weight when you’re well.” And truer words have never been spoken. I had to dig into a deep reservoir of hope to pull myself out of the cave, we have no idea what’s going to happen from one day to the next, foolishly we think we’ll live a thousand years, but we won’t. When I realized the door was open on the cage, I’d put myself in I simply walked out.
Walk with me for a second, allow me to illustrate how the universe conspires in our favor. I’d been thinking about releasing mmj during that period; admittedly thee old anxious tale of life is real and I need to disappear energy. Literally the next day I got an email stating my IG account @mmjatl had been compromised. I couldn’t access it for several weeks and when I finally could log in my content disappeared along with my followers.
This is incredibly annoying considering the state of IG as a platform for creatives; to say I was discouraged would be an understatement but up the block I decided to see it as an opportunity for divine inspiration to move forward. Eliminating fear as my primary emotion on the journey of rebuilding and rediscovery I’ve been asking myself…how can it be different? Something a good friend of mine shared with me this summer and has been driving all life decisions since. Simply “How can it be different?” This is not only for me, but a challenge question for the collective…along with…what does your resurrection look like? These two questions, with deep mediation and focused intention have the potential to shift the trajectory of one’s life, it is indeed willingness and faith that brings those things that are spoken into fruition.
Learning and unlearning are both critical parts of growth – can you share a story of a time when you had to unlearn a lesson?
Uncertainty as enemy. We’re wired to avoid uncertainty, the thought of it makes me wish the ground would open and swallow me. And yet, uncertainty is a place of magic and wonder, its where we get to create, explore, wonder, wander, only here can we make a different choice. Here we either stand up or sit down, it is here we intentionally cultivate the life we desire, and it hits different.
To be intentional means to be deliberate, so in what ways am I creating deliberately in my life?
Am I praying for one thing but directing my energy towards its opposite?
How do I bring myself back?
How do I shift?
How do I become the woman I desire to be?
What does she need?
It’s in these questions I get to solid answers.
I had come to the end of immature thinking; instead say this is not what I desire and course correct by simply asking how can things be different?
This question removes the pomp and circumstance, instead making my heart the scale by which I measure joy + peace + love + contentment + certainty + relevance + importance. Now, I use my heart to decide if its yea or nay. I want it all or nothing. I took a ton of losses and yet I picked my face up off the floor, grabbed my purse walking boldly in the direction of my desires and boy it’s challenging…but here I am. Who better to tell it than me??
Have you ever had to pivot?
I’m at the door now leaning into becoming a writer. This is the first time in history I’ve referred to myself as a writer. How incredibly empowering it feels to know I can honor God and myself by freely sharing my gifts. It’s quite gratifying; I finally feel a sense of adventure coming forward and imagining all the doors that will open is exciting. I’m proud of myself. I’ve had to make some hard choices, but I submitted to the initiation. When I stopped fighting against it, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief and finally move into my Queen era, one where every decision is based solely on what I desire…the liberation on that is solid!
Now my biggest question is how do I take on this new endeavor with intention, authenticity & boldness? During this walk, faith has been huge. I’m learning to trust the timing of the divine in seasons of drought and frustration. The biggest lesson is the power in moving forward despite being unsure. Not to be trite but developing my wings on the way down. It really has taken finally getting tired of my own bullshit and deciding to become the most unapologetic, authentic version of myself in this timeline; expressing myself in a way that fortifies the earth!
These are the affirmations, meditations I’ve been reciting, cultivating as I heal old narratives that seek to hold me hostage. As I explore sharing my work with the world; I am clear not everyone will resonate yet I will sit with the discomfort and do it anyway! #growth!
This season is about maintaining ease and grounded peace through the pivot. This involves lots of prayer and journaling, there is no easy way to put one’s self out there, but for sure there is no joy found in denial and hiding, mostly deep longing and regret; life is much too blissful for that!
Contact Info:
- Website: etsy.com/macymaryjane
- Instagram: @mmjatl & @balancedskepticism
Image Credits
BROOKE SWANSON FROM STYLE AND SNAPPED ON PORTRAIT