We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Loyla Louvis a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Loyla, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. Can you recount a time when the advice you provided to a client was really spot on? (Please note this response is for education/entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be construed as advice for the reader)
The best advice I have ever given to a mom comes from a “homework assignment” that instantly improves the parent/child relationship. I call this homework assignment the “Ask Before Action” conversation.
A client contacted me for help; she was frustrated, exhausted, and out of ideas. Nothing she did was working, and her relationship with her child was suffering. Undesirable behavior had become habitual, so I invite this mom to initiate the “Ask Before Action” conversation at bedtime as follows:
“I notice you’re not happy when (undesirable behavior) happens.
I’m not happy when it occurs either. Neither one of us is happy!
I want us to be a happy family; do you want that too?”
The psychology behind this question is that all kids want to enjoy a close, loving family. Once a mother and child can verbalize that they both want the same thing, the next step is to ask for permission to implement change:
Mom says, “I want to try new things to help us be a happy family. Is that okay with you?”
When a child gives permission for Mom to try something new, the stage is set for strategic actions, words, and mindsets customized to the unique nature of that child and family.
Getting permission from a child before trying something new is critical to the success of any new behavior. Because this homework assignment is so effective, I invite all my clients to have this powerful conversation with their children.
My client told me, “Loyla, I did what you told me to do, and my daughter just broke down in tears. She poured out her heart and explained why she’d been acting badly and that she wants to have a happy family.”
The details of that parent/child conversation led to a massive change in a very short period of time. It took so little effort to improve the relationship once this child understood the common desire behind Mom’s actions, and she felt honored by being asked for permission.
The “Ask Before Action” conversation was the best advice I gave because it’s easy to do and very effective!
As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your background and context?
As a young single parent with no real strategy or role model, I was no stranger to the challenges some families face today. The journey started off on a rocky road. Broken relationships set the stage for a marriage destined for disaster and heartache. Divorced at the age of 24, with a sweet, strong-willed child to care for, single parenting and long hours of work consumed daily life.
Those days were riddled with financial concerns, health issues, loneliness, and a growing sense of despair. However, those early years were the starting point on a long journey of exploration.
We all start with a dream filled with excitement and wonder, but when the stress of life begins to creep into the home, we tend to react rather than respond. Excitement and hope can fade as disappointments find their way into relationships.
After years of helping others resolve parenting challenges, and receiving encouragement from like-minded professionals, Mothers In Training, LLC became a reality in 2010. My highest achievements are as a wife, a mother to three sons and a daughter, a Certified Professional Parenting & Life Coach through the American Association of Christian Counselors, a public speaker, a Mentor Mom for MOPS International, a homeschooling mom, and a teacher to home-schooled children in the tri-state area for over 19 years.
It is a privilege and honor to come alongside my clients. It’s a calling in my life. All the events of my own journey find their meaning and purpose in that those experiences have equipped me to help others organically and authentically.
My coaching philosophy is that no two children are alike and what works for one child may (sometimes) have devastating consequences for the next. A customized strategy offers the best outcome for any family.
The most powerful tools in our parenting toolbox are authentic communication, natural consequences, and intimate connection with predictable consistency.
By coming alongside to empower moms as calm, assertive leaders, I believe children (especially strong-willed kiddos) will find peace and happiness as they meet their needs at home.
Mothers In Training, LLC provides private one-to-one sessions, parenting classes, on-demand video workshops and courses, and an interactive, supportive FB community. My website is Mothersintraining.org and have resources available at Gentleparentingsolutions.
We’d love to hear a story of resilience from your journey.
When I launched Mothers In Training, I didn’t have a model to copy because I didn’t know any parenting coaches existed besides myself. But there was a need for parenting support after the initial “New Mom” stage. My parenting journey compelled me to fill the gap for those coming up behind me in the motherhood experience.
However, it wasn’t long before my efforts to collaborate, network, and create public awareness led to burnout. I needed an easier way to establish the “know, like, trust” factor. A school shooting in my area triggered an idea!
It occurred to me that parents need a safe place to connect without leaving home when times become tumultuous. I launched an online support group on Facebook in 2017 and never looked back. Little did I know that a global pandemic was around the corner that would prompt thousands of moms to join my online community.
I was in the right place at the right time with social media skills and insights many businesses hadn’t even considered embracing. Moms joined my online community fast, with 100 new members a week. I doubled down on creating video tutorials, workbooks, and ebooks that were easy to consume and apply at home. I now have a website, GentleParentingSolutions.
For me, resilience has been an organic process of seeing a need at the first sign and responding as an early adopter.
Training and knowledge matter of course, but beyond that what do you think matters most in terms of succeeding in your field?
Other than training and knowledge, personal experience and respect for your client’s uniqueness is fundamental for parent coaching’s success. The goal of all coaching must never be to tell people what they should or shouldn’t do based on an academic study of the subject alone. Parent coaching is the art of understanding a client’s desired outcome and coming alongside to help them achieve their goals in a way that fits their family values and worldview.
Personal experience provides a measure of compassion, understanding, and perspective that goes beyond training and academics.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.motherintraining.org
- Instagram: www.instagram.com/mothersintraining
- Facebook: www.facebook.com/raisingstrongwilledkids
- Other: www.GentleParentingSolutions.teachable.com