Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Tamara Lexow. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Tamara, looking forward to hearing all of your stories today. We’d love to hear about the best advice you’ve ever given to a client? (Please note this response is for education/entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be construed as advice for the reader)

A lot of advice out there is about starting new practices or habits. I think my best piece of advice is on stopping. I tell my clients to stop apologizing for someone else’s behavior, stop trying to fix other people, stop allowing toxic people to have a say in your life, and stop pouring into everyone else without taking time to fill your own cup.
People who have endured trauma and abuse have a tendency to gaslight themselves. We say we are too sensitive, when most likely, we feel we haven’t been heard. We say to ourselves that we asked too much of someone, when the reality is we should expect love and respect in healthy relationships. We say we over-reacted, but it’s possible we have a wound that was triggered.
Learning to stop believing lies from our past is key to healing. We have to learn positive self-talk. Our mind believes what our ears hear. So if we surround ourselves with negativity, our brain begins to believe it. But if we speak loving truth to ourself, we will believe that. The choice is ours to make, and when we know and believe better, we want and do better.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.

I spent close to 22 years working in children and family ministry for my church. I was passionate about helping children, teens, and their parents see their lives as part of God’s story. We all matter! With each year, I saw and heard more stories of people hurting from traumatic events in their lives. It seems very few of us get through this world unscathed. People tend to question how a loving God could allow people to suffer the way so many do, but I like to think this world is a messy place. God chooses to love us in spite of the mess. He walks with us, holding our hand and guiding us when we ask for help.
I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years working for Hopeful Hearts Ministry, helping survivors of abuse find their voice. Abusers work to silence their victims. At Hopeful Hearts Ministry, we want to help survivors become thrivers. Our goal is to empower survivors, alleviate suffering, and help them restore self-worth. We want survivors to know they aren’t alone, to realize they have a voice, and their story matters.

Learning and unlearning are both critical parts of growth – can you share a story of a time when you had to unlearn a lesson?

I believe God allowed me to walk through some very painful experiences in my life so I would be equipped to help others do the same. I spent years believing I wasn’t enough. It was a lie I came to believe after being sexually abused as a small child, and again as a teenager. I falsely believed my body was all I had to offer anyone. When I was 19, my dad left, and my mom took her own life. This reinforced the lie that I wasn’t enough for anyone to truly love. Even though I had spent my whole life in church, I couldn’t fathom how God could love me if he allowed all this to happen. And if I wasn’t enough for my parents to want to stay with me, why would God?
Now I believe God was with me all along. He was holding me and giving me the strength to face each new day. I no longer believe I have to try to anticipate the feelings and needs of everyone around me. I don’t need others to approve of me. I don’t have to minimize my opinions or emotions, and I don’t have to say yes to things I don’t want to do. God gives me the power to use my voice to advocate for myself. Now I take great delight in helping others do the same.

Training and knowledge matter of course, but beyond that what do you think matters most in terms of succeeding in your field?

In the work I do, I hear a lot of painful stories. We work with adults who are survivors of all sorts of abuse – physical, sexual, emotional, religious, financial, etc. Many times, abuse began in adulthood. But often, people tell us about abuse that stems back to childhood events. One of the most helpful resources I have is a high level of empathy. If I listen to a story and have judgment for the teller, I can’t offer them the help they need. I have to try to believe that a person is doing the very best they can with the resources they have at hand.
I also have to have good boundaries. I can’t absorb the emotions and feelings of the person telling me their story. It took me years to learn this. I used to believe it was honorable of me that I would hear someone’s story and be so upset on their behalf. I was so co-dependent that I was like a sponge. If you cried, I soaked up your tears and cried them again. If you were filled with rage, I soaked it all up to re-release it myself. It was exhausting! I have since learned I can be sympathetic, but I can’t fix anyone, and I can’t carry the load for them. All I can do is listen well, offer support, and teach them how to take the steps toward healing. They have to do the work themselves; I can’t do it for them.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.hopefulheartsministry.org
• Instagram: @hopefulheartsministry and @tamaralexow
• Youtube: @Hopefulhearts333