We were lucky to catch up with Steve Withey recently and have shared our conversation below.
Steve, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. Can you tell us a story about a time you failed?
I am a Pastor. I’m supposed to have the answers for other people when they have questions about life and faith and meaning. I’m supposed to provide counseling when people have issues in their lives and struggle with hurts and habits and hang-ups. I’m supposed to be a polished, purposeful and pristine public speaker who others listen to in order to take notes on how to improve their own lives and relationships. I am supposed to be the one leading the charge, the one who advances when others retreat, a beacon of light and hope who others follow to freedom from their own places of darkness and hopelessness.
But, what about when I struggle too? What about when I don’t have answers? What about those times when I want to move forward, but all I can do is fall back. What about the days when I want to advance, but all I can do right now is retreat? 2000 years ago a man named Paul wrote a letter to his friends in a small church in the town of Philipi in Greece. That letter is now preserved as the book of Philippians in the New Testament in the Bible. Paul writes in Philippians 1:12, “I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel…” If we read just a little further however, what has happened to Paul to advance the gospel becomes a sobering reminder for all of us, “…I am in chains for Christ (Philippians 1:13).”
Much of what Paul writes comes from his own places of defeat, difficulty and hardship. Just a few chapters later he writes, “…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him (Christ) who gives me strength (Philippians 4:11-13).”
People love the possibility of fame and recognition in this life. Those who call themselves Jesus followers love the prospect of the gospel, or the good news, advancing through them, that idea of a Christ who gives strength and the possibility of “all things” they can do through Him. They print it on t-shirts, embroider it on pillows and paint it on walls. Athletes write, “Phil 4:13,” under their eyes, proclaiming, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” over touchdowns and homeruns. However, they tend to forget that when Paul writes, “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength,” he is talking about facing difficulty – being hungry and in need. They forget that when Paul writes, “what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel,” he is talking about being in prison and in chains for the sake of Christ.
No matter who you are or where you come from, we all crave relevance and desire to leave an impact and make a difference in the World around us. We want to advance and do all the things but we forget that those things where we find the greatest victories and highest levels of success are often directly connected to our greatest defeats and clamber from the lowest trenches of utter failure – all of the difficulties and hardships we will face. Our greatest victories will stem from our greatest defeats. Our most radical advancement will come from retreating into the the place of our greatest comfort and safety. For me, It was in retreating into the arms of Jesus.
About a year ago, I faced a deep mental health struggle – a time of personal difficulty that I now realize stemmed from years of my own internalized conflicts and dysfunctions as well as stuffed down and pent up emotions and frustrations. I became overwhelmed with compassion fatigue verging on full blown burnout. I found myself in a very dark place emotionally. I experienced intrusive, anxious thoughts I couldn’t explain. Overnight I felt overcome with feelings of sadness and depression. I was consumed with anxiety, filled with frustration, even irrationally angry. My job is, literally, supposed to be helping people, and I found I had no tolerance for people, zero patience for their issues, needs and concerns, and just wanted to snap and scream and yell at all of them. It got worse as the weeks bore on. My wife took notice, and so did my pastor and mentor. As I opened up to them about how I was feeling, both separately encouraged me to seek counseling.
Divine timing and direction led me to just the right therapist at just the right time. I found a therapist who, like me, was also a credentialed minister. My therapist was well acquainted with the needs of people, knew ministry burnout and compassion fatigue and was able to relate to me on a personal level in ways that I know many counselors would not. My therapist understood the anxious, invasive thoughts that were plaguing me, and helped me to lift my eyes up to see the good and the hope that still saturated my life. He knew the Word, the Bible, a comfort for me in my faith and pointed me back regularly to the promises of hope it contains. He reminded me that we believe there is a realm beyond our own, a spirit realm overlayed with ours, and that, along with the psychological side of my struggles, my battle lies with a very real enemy who twists the profound emotions God made me to experience to do damage to myself and others around me. When I feel sadness, I have an enemy who tries to nudge it into depression. When I feel Insecure, I have an enemy who tries to prod it into anxiety. When I feel angry, I have an enemy who tries to push that into bitterness and rage. I have an enemy who is constantly trying to gain a foothold in my life, attacking my mind and firing his flaming arrows of doubt, fear, depression, lust, hate, anxiety and self-destruction.
With the help of my therapist, my family and my Lord and Savior, Jesus, I began to break through the tangle of dark thoughts and into the wondrous light and clarity of living a life full of hope and peace, in victory with God and the wondrous freedom that I found through Him. As human beings, we have to remember that our greatest victories often stem from our greatest defeats. As a Jesus follower, I believe this is most radically evident at the cross when, by all outward appearances, Jesus was defeated. Yet I stand on the promise that His death brought the greatest victory in all history for all people for all time. With Jesus, my defeats can be turned into victories. I advance when I retreat into Him. Only as I retreated into the presence of my Savior did I advance through apparent defeat in my recent difficulties. He brought me through to the other side, and as I have leaned more into Him, I’ve seen His hope, peace and love more at work in my life, my family and my profession. In a time when many young people are focused solely on themselves and their own desires, I got to lead a group of 34 high school sophomores and juniors to serve and give at an orphanage in Northern Mexico. In a time when more couples get divorced than stay married, I love my wife more today than ever before, and she loves me. In a time when kids tend to rebel and turn their backs on everything their parents represent, my kids like me and actually want to hang out with me. In a time when church attendance is down across the nation my church is growing and people are pressing into the peace they are finding presence of their Savior.
My question to you is this – When you feel discouraged and defeated, where do you retreat to? When you fail (and oh, you will fail), when you face difficulty and hardship, will you wallow in the defeat of your failure? Or will you retreat into your greatest place of hope and comfort, to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on your feet so you can keep moving forward out of defeat and into victory? Like me, if you are a person of faith, I encourage you to retreat into your faith in those moments of defeat. If you have a strong and supportive relationship, I encourage you to retreat into the safety of that relationship in moments of defeat. If you have a place of peace and refuge (the mountains, the beach, a good book), retreat into that place of safety and refuge in moments of defeat. And if you even think you might need help, get help in moments defeat. Mental health issues are at an all time high in our nation. Admitting you need help is not a defeat, but one of the best steps you can take toward victory in the midst of defeat. Find someone you can talk to, who will help you and will be honest with you and call you out on your garbage while still responding to you in love and acceptance in the state you are in.
As I came through my defeat of burnout and anxiety, I think I needed to be reminded that it’s not about me anyway. I am not here to change the world. It is prideful to think I can. I am just here to do the best I can where I am, and to do all I can to help others along the way. I am here to try to get closer to those I love, and to retreat into their love to find hope and peace and acceptance. I am here to be a place of refuge and retreat to those I love, so when they face defeats they can retreat into my love and find hope and peace and acceptance too. When I do the best I can, where I am, and do all I can to help others along the way, then I can be used to help make the world around me just a little brighter and use all that has happened in my life, the defeats and victories, to advance others around me too.
I leave you with this – a defeat doesn’t mean you’re defeated, so don’t stay down. Get up. Get up. Get up, and move forward into victory. Let your greatest failures be stepping stones to carry you into your greatest successes. It will take time. It will not happen overnight. But in the darkest night, that is when your light can shine brightest.
Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.
I am a husband to an amazing wife. I am a father to two amazing kids. I am a pastor at a church where I have had the privilege of serving on staff for 24 years. I have led 15 humanitarian aid and work teams on four continents and I have helped raise hundreds of thousands of dollars for aid and relief for to help people all over the world.
I love to teach, coach and counsel people, and to help others discover their true potential and all they were made to be.
We’d love to hear a story of resilience from your journey.
Sometimes as a pastor you are going to offend people. Sometimes people will leave the church because of you, either because of things you say or things you don’t say.
Between February 2021 and January 2022 I had faced three such departures. The reasons are what may surprise you.
The first left because, in the wake of the 2020 presidential election and subsequent “January 6 debacle,” I would not publicly denounce former president Donald Trump proclaiming what a (in their words), “fascist, sexist, bigoted pig of a human being he is.”
The second departed about 6 months later because, in the wake of the 2020 presidential election and subsequent “moral and societal decline,” I would not publicly denounce President Joe Biden proclaiming what a (in their words), “corrupt and morally bankrupt career politician he is, who is only out for his own gain.”
Have you ever felt like you just can’t win?
The third departed after I had preached a message in which I was explaining why the Bible is trustworthy. In that message I made a passing statement about the misnomer where people think the Bible says the Earth is flat. People who don’t believe the Bible will use this as a “gotcha” against people who do believe it in an attempt to make the Bible seem irrelevant and ridiculous. The fact is, the Bible doesn’t say that at all, and the statements others use to claim it does come from intentionally figurative and poetic language in the midst of poetic books.
So, in the middle of this message about the Bible being trustworthy, I said the Bible doesn’t say the Earth is flat. A couple came to talk to me soon after. They told me they decided to leave because they firmly believe the earth is flat and couldn’t continue attending a church that didn’t believe and teach “the truth.”
Ultimately, I have to know that sometimes I am going to offend people, often in ways I least expect, and people might leave because of me. I have had to learn to be ok with that and know that the message I bring will be offensive to some. It doesn’t mean I love them any less. It just means we disagree. But, if they choose to leave because of me and something I said or didn’t say, I am not going to compromise who I am to try to please them and hold on to them.
Sometimes people will disagree with you. Sometimes you will offend people. That’s ok. Be you. Be the best you that you can be regardless.
We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?
I have had the privilege of leading 15 different teams on humanitarian and outreach trips around the world. One of the things that has opened my eyes the most, and completely shifted my entire worldview, is the generosity of people who seem (on the surface anyway) to have the least.
In in some of the poorest communities in Mexico, Columbia, Nicaragua, Brazil and many more, I have seen third world poverty through my privileged first world eyes. I have seen towns and settlements that look like a step above a tent city or a homeless encampment here in the United States. I have seen homes that are barely a single tiny room shack, built out of whatever hodgepodge collection of materials the residents could find. I have seen dirt floors, woven grass mat beds, and bucket bathroom facilities in the same small space that a 4 generation family of 15 calls home.
Here’s what shook me to my core – in nearly every single one of those places, where the people I encountered seemed to have nothing, they joyfully and generously offered to give to me and bless me with everything out of their seeming nothing. Whether a meal, a drink, a place at their table or even the clothes off their backs, they offered with a smile because they genuinely wanted to bless me.
In our first world country we are so blessed and we have so much of everything. Yet we cling to all we have so desperately and give so little so begrudgingly. We like what we have and we don’t want to share.
But those who have little and even nothing are so generous. They give joyfully, without concern, and just want to bless and welcome others lavishly. They are glad for all they have and just want to share with anyone they can.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.gvchristian.com
- Instagram: @stephenwithey
- Facebook: Stephen M. Withey
- Linkedin: Stephen Withey
- Twitter: @StephenWithey
- Youtube: https://youtube.com/@gvchristiancenter
- Yelp: Steve W.
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GV Christian Center