We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Kayla Licari. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Kayla below.
Hi Kayla, thanks for joining us today. Was there a moment in your career that meaningfully altered your trajectory? If so, we’d love to hear the backstory.
As the oldest daughter who grew up in an alcoholic home, I learned to rely on myself for safety and success at a very young age. That strength and resilience helped me become a successful physician assistant, wife, and mother of 3 children. I put myself through college and grad school, never knowing how I would pay for everything but always relying on a deep knowing that it would all work out for me. Fast forward 14 years of practicing medicine, growing up in a marriage that started as two 18 year old children, and having my past wounding reflected back at me daily with 3 kids, I was drifting farther away from feeling fulfilled with the life I created. I hired a coach to help me quit feeling stuck in patterns of anxiety, perfectionism, codependency, and avoid the path of addiction I was headed towards. I then started EMDR with a therapist, integrated somatic exercises, and dove deep into attachment theory, internal family systems, and polyvagal theory to understand how to work with my nervous system to actually enjoy my life. When my progress seemed to change the state of my husband and kids’ nervous system I knew I needed to coach people on how to do this much faster than I learned. But continuing to work as a PA, build a business, and be more present for my family while recovering from what I ultimately learned was complex ptsd felt impossible. So when a job situation essentially backed me into a corner to leave, I left. The universe really does give us what we ask for if we ask enough.
Shortly after that, I broke down crying to my husband because we didn’t know how we would afford everything and build a business. One night we were on a walk, trying to figure out what our next steps were and instead of insisting he find a solution, I surrendered into my empowered feminine and just allowed the flood of emotions to come. In the absence of criticism from me, a solution came to him when we had each taken space after the walk. He realized we could use money from our home during this transition. I MELTED into him, realizing in that moment that for the first time ever, I was trusting another human enough to fully support me and my dreams. And we’ve been dream building about my new career as a nervous system coach ever since. I don’t think either of us have felt more alive than we do now.
Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.
I’ve known since high school that I was called to be a healer. Until last year, I was doing that as a physician assistant and coaching on the side. The more I started getting healthier myself in ways the traditional healthcare system does not offer or teach about, the more I felt called to focus on coaching people to help them understand how their nervous system works for and against them while dealing with the daily stress of life. Most of us are under such intense chronic stress that we don’t have a healthy, flexible nervous system and that is what determines the health of your body and relationships. I help clients understand how perfectionism is at the root of most chronic stress and how to create nervous system health while dealing with stress, especially within their romantic relationship.
Before I got help from anyone, I kept thinking about divorce with my husband every time we fought because I felt like I was going to break under the pressure of everything. By learning what I needed to feel safe in this world, I saved my marriage, and my relationship to myself and my kids from repeating the cycle of addiction and the dysfunction that comes with it. So, I empower clients to learn what their body needs to feel safe enough to keep moving forward in their relationships, especially romantic relationships, and get healthier in the process. Using practices that everyone has access to and working with the cranial nerves, I help clients regulate in an overstimulating world so they can have healthy relationships and lives.
We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?
The lesson I’ve had to unlearn is that my worth is based on how productive I am. I learned that putting my needs last and over achieving meant I would be safe and loved because I grew up in a dysfunctional home where my parents carried the pain and generational patterns of emotional immaturity, addiction, codependency, people pleasing, and perfectionism. I didn’t know until I was in my 30’s that my mom battled alcoholism just like her mother, and her mother’s mother, etc. I didn’t know until my 30’s that my father was emotionally unavailable and contributed to my mom’s battle. I didn’t know until my 30’s that I was repeating the patterns of my parents until I was burning out and unhappy even though I had achieved everything I set out to. Now I measure my success based on how often I am present in the moments of the day and how grounding I am to others. Now I feel hopeful, excited, and energized (most days) by life instead of drained, overwhelmed, and anxious.
How’d you build such a strong reputation within your market?
My market is still growing and honestly I would still consider myself a novice in the coaching space. However, after helping patients for 14 years before this and always having a full schedule of patients who stuck with me over the years, what helped the most was vulnerability. By sharing vulnerably about my life, what I’ve been through and what has helped me, patients and coaching clients are able to open up and be receptive to support quickly. Being vulnerable is a challenge and strength. It’s a challenge because it feels threatening to your nervous system to open yourself up to judgment and criticism. It’s a strength because you and your clients (and business) grow when you just say fuck it and do it even though it feels scary. I’m working on being more and more vulnerable every day.
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