We were lucky to catch up with Stacey McLarty recently and have shared our conversation below.

Alright, Stacey thanks for taking the time to share your stories and insights with us today. We’d love to hear about the early days of establishing your own firm. What can you share?

I graduated from law school when I was 36 and I was NOT one of those people who wanted to start my own law firm. I wanted a J-O-B with benefits and “security.” I landed at a state regulatory agency and discovered I loved practicing administrative law; I was happy with my career path in public service. But I had also discovered consensual non-monogamy and alternative lifestyles in my mid-thirties and became part of some amazing, colorful communities of people living their lives outside of the traditional path. From the beginning, the folks in my polyamory friend group would ask for my help. I was an insider in the community and knew the unique joys and difficulties of living these alternative lifestyles, so it made sense to approach me: “Hey, you’re a lawyer. Can you help me with my ____.” This help started out as the occasional free advice for friends, then I was representing community members who found me through friends of friends, then I professionalized my side-hustle (got a website and a separate bank account) and took on clients who found me through google and on national lists of polyamory-friendly professionals. As I practiced, I saw that there was a huge unmet need for the kind of legal services I was offering. I realized that many people could fill my shoes at my state job, but I was one of the only people in the country who knew the non-monogamous communities like I did and could offer these specialized legal services. At age 52, I finally started working in my solo practice as my full time business.
I was selected participate in the Texas Opportunity and Justice Incubator program, which supports attorneys launching their own firms while working to expand Access to Justice for all. The program introduced me to skills and tools that I needed to run a sustainable and successful law firm, as well as a network of peers who shared the same values.
Sometimes I miss the steady paycheck, paid time off, and benefits of my government job. I continue to work on the balancing act between working ON my business and working IN my business. I have struggled with cash flow at times – especially when I was making necessary investments in staff and technology. But even when things have been difficult, I look at running the business as a kind of exciting experiment: I try something here and see if it works, then reflect and re-calibrate as needed. I know I am serving communities that I care about deeply and that might not otherwise get the legal services they need. This makes the difficulties worthwhile.

Stacey, love having you share your insights with us. Before we ask you more questions, maybe you can take a moment to introduce yourself to our readers who might have missed our earlier conversations?

I am an attorney in Texas who has been practicing polyamory (a form of consensual non-monogamy) for nearly 2 decades. I provide my alternative lifestyle communities with legal services as an insider: I have a unique knowledge of alternative lifestyles and the particular problems and solutions associated with living a “non-traditional” life. I work to help individuals and families in addressing their specific legal issues AND I advocate for the rights of all people to live the lives they want with other consenting adults, in whatever configuration works for them. A quick note on consensual non-monogamy: This isn’t “cheating” or “infidelity.” In consensual-non monogamous relationships, everyone involved agrees to the practice of having more than 2 people in romantic or sexual relationships. Despite what you may see on Reality TV, not everyone is in a “throuple.”
I practice non-monogamy in a way that is pretty common, but certainly not universal. I have 2 main partners: I have been in a romantic partnership with A for 16 years and with K for 8 years, but Andy and Kevin have no romantic relationship with each other. The three of us might share a meal or play a board game together or watch a superhero movie, but we don’t share bedroom activities. I live with my partner Kevin and we are legally married to each other; Andy lives less than a mile away (in the same neighborhood) and I spend several evenings a week with him. We are all free to date other people outside of our primary relationships. I am completely open about my polyamorous relationships with my family and my family members are accepting of my partners. My partners and I participate in informal get-togethers, events, and educational conferences with other alternative lifestyle folks.
My years of experience living as a non-monogamous person in communities of other alt-lifestyle folks has given me insights into the real-life issues folks face and how they intersect with the legal system. Many people in my communities cannot be open about their relationships because the risk losing jobs, housing, medical care, and custody of their children. I work to build creative legal and practical protections for folks whose lives don’t fit in the standard legal forms. A will that I draft for a polyamorous family can include all partners as equals. When I help a non-monogamous person with a divorce, I understand that they were not engaged in “adultery” (and I can explain the difference to a judge) and guide them through this relationship transition without judgment. I can set up a binding cohabitation agreement for an extended family of not-legally-related people that spells out each persons agreed rights and responsibilities and protects them in the event of a breakup or shakeup that a court would not know how to deal with. When there are conflicts over custody or care of children, I can advocate for parents and people in parenting roles with the knowledge that having more stable, loving adults to care for children can be in those children’s best interests (and I have the evidence to back that claim up in a court of law.) I act as both an advocate and an advisor to help people in my communities build the lives they dream of with the people they care about.

What’s been the best source of new clients for you?

My best source for new clients has always been word-of-mouth referrals form people who have met me in person or virtually. I have a reputation for treating people in my communities with dignity and respect and offering knowledgeable and creative solutions to their legal issues. Former clients (and their partners and friends and even opposing partie) tell other people about me and recommend me to their friends. People who attend my presentations at conferences or who meet me at community events reach out to me to talk one on one when they have a legal question. I am building my reputation as an expert in this area among other attorneys and professionals who may encounter folks from my communities. I am becoming part of the national conversation on non-monogamy and alternative lifestyles through my advocacy work. I am still building and growing my public profile and exploring creative ways to share my knowledge and let people know that they can hire my firm to support them in their goals. I have been working on a book – a legal guide for non-monogamous folks – that will raise my profile to potential legal clients, highlight opportunities for consulting work with other professionals, and support my expertise as a speaker and advocate.

We often hear about learning lessons – but just as important is unlearning lessons. Have you ever had to unlearn a lesson?

One of the most pivotal moments in my legal career happened in the early days of practicing family law. I was working a day-job in administrative law, but I started volunteering to help clients who were survivors of domestic violence to divorce their abusers. One of my early clients was divorcing her spouse who was currently in prison for murder. I was so sure I knew what she needed – I drafted up a divorce case that kept her spouse from ever having contact with her and their children ever again. When I presented it to my client for approval, she firmly but gently explained that I had gotten it wrong – Yes, her ex had done some terrible things and she was not interested in minimizing the harm that he had done. BUT she knew it was in the best interest of her children to have *some* contact with their dad who would be in prison for the rest of his life. She wanted them to have safe, supervised visits in the prison where they could see their dad as a real person. She needed the divorce papers to allow for this kind of contact so that she could do what she believed was best for her kids. I was gobsmacked by the realization that I had failed to ask my client what her goals were and I had failed to recognize that this amazing woman was the best expert on her own life. I vowed to always keep in mind that every person I work with is a full human being with their own story, their own needs, their own goals. I promised to remind myself that I was here to support a client in being the hero of their own story, I was NOT here to swoop in and “rescue” them with my own agenda. This commitment to listen to individuals and carefully understand what they want has been extraordinarily helpful in my ability to provide customized legal solutions for my clients in non-traditional lifestyles.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://chosenfamilylawtx.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/staceymclarty/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chosenfamilylawtx
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/staceymclarty/

Image Credits
Allie Nelson https://www.hicksgirlproductions.com/ Stephanie Conrad https://www.spicykittendesigns.com/