We were lucky to catch up with Erika Lim recently and have shared our conversation below.

Erika, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. We’d love to hear the story behind how you got your first job in field that you currently practice in.

The conversation in which I informed my Chinese parents that I wanted to become a death doula was not a simple one. While I’m grateful that they are quite open-minded compared to the typical lot, I knew that I would still be up against generations of cultural taboo surrounding death and dying and some mild disappointment that I’m diverting from the path of finding a decent hospital job with my Master’s degree in occupational therapy. I have to shout out my brothers who tried to explain it to them by rebranding a “death doula” as an “aging concierge.” This actually gave their entrepreneur minds some curiosity and solace.

My first job as a death doula came when my aunt, my dad’s sister, was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the end of 2021. The cancer had spread quite quickly and by the time they found it, it was too late to recommend treatment. She was in her last couple months.

When my parents informed me about this, I told them I’d like to go with them to spend time with her and they both said, “Are you gonna go doula?” Still gaining my confidence in calling myself a death doula, I said, “Yea, sure.”

So, my first job as a doula was going to be working with my own family and in the presence of my parents who were already a bit perplexed at what this work was about.

By the time we made it up to my aunt, her energy was already quite low and she was not able to communicate verbally with us. While I went up there with my doula notes and teachings, I knew that the needs of my aunt and the family would present themselves naturally and I would assess and act accordingly.

There were 2 things that stood out where I was able to act from a doula lens and not just a family member lens:

1. I ensured she felt clean, calm, and safe. The first time I visited my aunt, I could tell she felt disconnected because she couldn’t verbalize or express much anymore. I found ways to communicate with her through touch, cleanliness, and prayer. I washed her body so she could feel clean, I brushed her hair, cut her fingernails, and encouraged our family to pray with her so to connect with her in a way that is meaningful. We also lowered the lights and played calming music on loop which created a soothing ambiance in the hospital room to make it a bit more comfortable for everyone in it. I also spoke with her openly- letting her know how much she’s loved, how much she affected us throughout our lives, and ensuring that whenever she is ready to go, we would be ready too.

2. I was able to advocate for her wishes and explain some of the unfamiliar medical terms to my family. When the hospital asked us whether we should move my aunt to hospice, I could tell that my dad and his two sisters were taking on a lot of pressure of having to make this decision without knowing what was “right.” To release some pressure and make it more of a family decision, I had a conversation with each sibling to see how they felt about this decision and then finally, went to my aunt and explained the situation to her as best as I could. Even though she couldn’t answer me verbally, she was able to nod and blink and communicate her wishes to me that way. At the end, the family felt relieved that we were able to honor what she wanted and did not have to guess.

Practicing this work in front of my parents and family was a pivotal moment for my path as a doula. Both of my parents felt quite touched by the existence of this profession and shared that I had the natural qualities to do this work. That was invaluable to me and allowed me to root deeper into the work knowing their support was there.

My dad expressed that he didn’t realize he could find such relief at being able to honor my aunts wishes despite her not being verbal anymore. I think that’s what this work is. When families are clouded by grief, responsibilities, and heartache, doulas are here to offer softness, a fresh perspective, and true advocacy for the loved one leaving.

Great, appreciate you sharing that with us. Before we ask you to share more of your insights, can you take a moment to introduce yourself and how you got to where you are today to our readers.

My name is Erika and I’m a death doula. My path is curvy but full of beautiful sights and extraordinary people.

A child of Chinese boomer immigrants who were born and raised in the Philippines, I was born in America inheriting three cultures with their own distinct traditions and histories. Our family has been in constant negotiation between Eastern and Western values and with as much tension as this creates, it’s taught me how to embrace and hold space for more.

As a result of these three cultures, I was raised with the spiritual contradiction of generations of organized religion (Buddhism & Catholicism), cultural superstition, and the individual’s ability to create their own fate. Somehow, I find comfort in holding all of these belief systems at once.

While I have many identities: woman, ethnically Chinese, culturally Filipino Chinese, American born, a flower child, a sister, an auntie, a death doula, a giant heart, an occupational therapist, a meditator, I, most of all, identify best with living my life in the in between.

This observance and practice of living in the in between is what drew me to become a death doula. When one is in deep transition between life and death, what happens to one’s identities as the body changes, as abilities change, as roles change? It can be overwhelming and scary to lose the identities one so firmly creates in life without knowing what to grasp onto next.

That’s what I do as a death doula. I help people and their families find calm and peace in life’s most natural transition. Together, we may work together in forming an end of life plan so to discuss and document one’s wishes so they’re clear and simply able to be carried out. We may have conversations around death and illness and loss so to find comfort in the purpose and meaning of one’s life. We may work on legacy projects to ensure relationships are reconciled, expressed, and cared for. Whatever the needs are, I hope our work together can bring peace, presence, and faith into what can be a bewildering and disorienting time.

Can you tell us about what’s worked well for you in terms of growing your clientele?

I began an email newsletter through Substack called Die Laugh Love.

For awhile, I had depended on word of mouth to help jumpstart growth. The awareness in my community about me being a death doula was good but I wanted to generate more engagement and information sharing. Not many people choose to engage in topics like death and dying so I wanted to come at it from a more spacious, informative, gentle, and personal place.

Short form social media is not a way I naturally enjoy sharing or communicating so I tried to explore mediums other than Facebook or Instagram that felt more intuitive to me. A college friend suggested starting a newsletter and while I initially cringed at the idea, it really grew on me and after some deep marination, it started to make a lot of sense. Long form personally created content would offer people a closer look at what the work entails, a deeper understanding of who I am as a doula, and a nudge for those who may be curious about death and dying but have never actively explored these thoughts or feelings. So, from someone who had never written a peep in her life, I began Die Laugh Love.

I wrote about what a death doula is and does, personal essays about how death shows up in everyday life or experiences like end of life planning with my dad, and a letter series called #tellthemnow where people from the community can share words dedicated to someone dead or alive. The responses and feedback I received from these writings were extraordinary. It opened up dialogue and interest with friends I hadn’t spoken to in years. I would receive inquiries from readers asking how to approach the end of life conversation with their parents or some would just simply share that they’re grateful for a space where their thoughts around death and dying could be normalized and shared.

Putting training and knowledge aside, what else do you think really matters in terms of succeeding in your field?

I think the ability to drop down with people is helpful in this field. This work is spiritual in nature. When working with people around mortality and being with them as their physical body shifts, you’re working with the spirit.

Yes, there are a lot of practical tasks to be done and mental and emotional chatter which require a lot of various skills, but underneath that, this work is to assist the spirit in feeling at peace with the life lived so it can feel safe and free to go when it’s ready. It’s helpful to know how to be quiet, deeply listen, and be even more quiet.

Contact Info:

• Website: www.erikalim.com
• Instagram: erikavlim
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/erika-lim-a518268/
• Other: Substack: https://erikalim.substack.com/ Email: [email protected]

Image Credits
Sheila Darcy, A Portal for Healing