Yes! and YES! I think about this all the time because I did have a regular job for two decades; I reflect on what it was like then and how my life compares now. With my 9-5, my work day was straightforward. Tasks were assigned, and I knew how to complete them. If I didn’t know, I knew how to get help. When I was finished – either completing a task or because the clock said my day had ended – I received feedback and a paycheck. There was so much satisfaction built in to this kind of work day both with task completion, collaboration with co-workers, structured time, and even having a desk with all the supplies I needed provided for me. In every way, it was optimized for me to complete the work easily and smoothly. Structure, stability, predictability, security…all these words come to mind. But even though the work was satisfying in many ways, it was fulfilling. There was always a gnawing question inside me, “what is the point of it all”? Do x, get y, repeat. The work felt satisfying the same way checking a box feels satisfying. But, the feeling is short lived and doesn’t go to a deeper level. I was often on auto-pilot and I saw the next 40 years of my life on repeat and to what end? For me, work could never be something I endured as a means to an end. Work in and of itself, must be the end. Ironically, working as an artist now, I spend lots of time trying to create the built-in structure and stability I had with a regular job. I try to keep office hours and a regular schedule. This is an ongoing struggle. The payoff though as an artist, is that I know at the deepest level of my being, that the work I’m doing has meaning. There is a point to it all. The point is to bring my ideas to life as created things. This fulfillment is better than any short lived satisfaction, and satisfying on the deepest levels.

I am a lens-based visual artist working with digital photography. I like the term “applied photography” because my work begins with a photograph (one of my own); like paint or clay, it is my raw material. I then apply technologies to manipulate the image in a number of ways. Using the camera itself, image editing software, and printing technologies, I create a new work which is more meaningful to me than the original image because it simultaneously contains the original image and is something entirely new. Additionally, it is primarily within the transformation process where I express myself creatively. The manipulation is the art-making process for me. It is a kind of magical alchemy – taking one thing and turning it into something else. I am deeply inspired by the work of photographer and Bauhaus artist Laszlo Moholy-Nagy. In his own words, “The enemy of photography is the convention, the fixed rules of ‘how to do’. The salvation of photography comes from the experiment.” Being an artist for me means attempting the impossible – trying to do something that hasn’t been done before.

Another huge influence on my work is Moholy-Nagy’s fellow Bauhaus artist, Josef Albers. Albers said over 60 years ago, “in an age in which increased human sensibility has become such an obvious need in all areas of human involvement, color sensitivity and awareness can constitute a major weapon against forces of insensitivity and brutalization”. I believe his words are as true now as they were when he said them decades ago. So, my work is driven by an awareness of Color –  Color as Subject. It acts like a visual language, expressing emotion without words. For me, color “speaks” at a deeper level, it feels almost pre-verbal and so is able to connect to something deeper within us as humans. And so, my work exists on two levels. On the surface, it is about playing with Color. I deconstruct my own photographs to harvest the fields of color within them. Going deeper, my work is designed to transform humanity through a greater sensitivity to Color. Driven by our natural tendency towards fear-driven hatred, I believe that Humankind is at a crossroads – evolve as a species, or, perish. Greater Awareness of ourselves, one another and our world is vital; I encourage us to begin with increased awareness of Color. If we become more sensitive to Color, we might then raise our awareness (and acceptance) of others. I hope for nothing short of an awakening for Humankind through my artwork. My work is then utilizing abstracted, photographed fields of color to achieve this awakening.

Being a working artist for me is a bit like being a scientist. It begins with curiosity and requires a hypothesis then an experiment to test a theory. In this way, there are no answers at the back of the book. It is only through trial and error, testing and re-testing that results are achieved. In this way, it is both the hardest and most rewarding work I can think of.

I had to un-learn prioritizing what others think about my work. The first and most important question I must ask is to myself: “what do I think of this?” Do I love it? Only then can I move on to share the work with others and get curious about how they experience it. I am not saying I don’t care at all what others think – in fact, I want my work to resonate with others because this is my way to connect and communicate. I am saying that before I can connect with others, I must connect with my own work.  If I do not love a piece, I must keep pushing myself to work on it until I do love it, or switch gears to another project. At the end of the day, my opinion of my own work is the one I value the most. There is incredible freedom in learning this and un-learning that others’ opinions are the most important.